I think I've had a good run, and the web has provided me an opportunity of leaving a smattering of a record, incomplete as it must be, for as long as the mediums may last. To whom, I don't care. It doesn't matter. But this blog was the first, and is sorta the hub, which is why it's kinda dear to me. It's the most secret, I don't link to it, I don't tell anyone about it, but I link out to more socially acceptable places for a more complete picture.
It's September.
I couldn't believe it when we hit August. I keep telling myself I can't go on much longer, and I really, simply can't. But I still have to remind myself for some ungodly reason.
Being dead in the water is one thing, but I'm not dead in the water. I'm suicidal. It's my credo. So if all other factors in my life point to dead in the water, suicide still should have some momentum. And it does. I tell myself.
I'm still zombified from insomnia. And listening to music is still the most precious thing to me.
Touched by a few things.
My high school mentor that I mentioned not long ago, who I found on Facebook, sent me a kalimba(!), reminding me that I once was a good person, good enough of a person to make enough of an impression that years and years later, he would send me an unsolicited gift that would move me near to tears. Kalimbas are his business now, but still, it was something he totally did not have to do.
I'm not that person anymore. I don't even like people. And people I meet now have no idea about that. They just know I keep them at arm's distance. King Kong's arm.
So why is my co-worker Tako being so friendly to me. Flirty? Nah, I'll stick with friendly. She's not flirty. But she seems to be aiming for some connection, but I don't think she has any idea how OLD I am. She is WAY young. When she asks how old I am, I'll tell her the truth straight out. Put an end to that real quick.
Eva, also a co-worker, may be more flirty. I'm not sure. Flirty implies not as serious, so maybe. I definitely don't mean any negative connotations associated with that word. To the extent that she may be flirty, it's very sweet; just chatting up, establishing some sort of perceived "understanding" between us, maybe. And I'm just as flirty to her.
She is someone who I didn't think was attractive at all when I first saw her, but upon closer scrutiny found that she's exquisitely and uniquely beautiful. Red flags went up when she mentioned she's Christian and doesn't listen to music, but I realize the red flag system is purely intellectual, and has no practical use, if you know what I mean.
Put either of them up against suicide and suicide prevails. I need to keep my focus, I need to follow the signs.
Even if they were something, some potential, it's too little, too late. If anything, they are just a final test of resolve. If they were something, they should have shown up years ago; but I've had more than 10 years of cultivating nothing of that sort.
So why should I react to them at all? Habit? Sadism? I'll cop-out with something Amina once said: It seemed right at the time. And there actually is wisdom in that. But it doesn't change a thing.
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| TUESDAY, SEPTEMBER 1, 12:29 a.m. - It's fine to be funny in a headline if it's a fluff piece and undeniably says what's in the article. |
