two rides

SATURDAY, MAY 22, 3:26 p.m. - Jiuzhuang Rd. climb along Taipei's southeastern border with Xizhi.

Walking home late at night through quiet streets, with a waning gibbous moon high in the sky, temperatures cool and pleasant. Earlier in the evening, it looked like Venus was in the western sky. In the wee hours now, likely either Jupiter or Saturn had risen in the east. 

Those objects in the night sky make me think they will endure for much longer than what's going on here on the surface of this planet. We by nature are transient, and by our nature make our planet a much more dynamic place in our little way. And transient. 

When I was much younger, when I looked at the night sky I didn't feel small or insignificant. I felt vast. Now, I feel insignificant, but not necessarily because of looking up at the night sky. More because it's become a clearer fact. More so for me than other people who accept and live their lives as substantial. 

My insignificance is profound, but my huge ego even attributes this ridiculous profundity to my insignificance. My dying is going to make such a small impact, but part of my mind dwells on that impact and it's just so pathetic because of what a small splash it will make. I really need to just go, let it go. 

As I stand on the sidewalk looking up at the moon, I feel a very concrete existence that I'm going to remove. This information I've collected as a person will be gone. Big fucking deal. I remember thinking that when I left San Francisco. I had this knowledge, information of San Francisco that when I left would be rendered useless and irrelevant. And I felt something like regret about it. 

Recently I've been spending more time than not in a state that I call the "unbearable". And I struggle with it because wherever I am, it's not supposed to be bad or negative, and "unbearable" has a negative connotation. 

I mentally push myself back to neutral, the best I can hope for these days. Negative space is just an illusion, it can be manipulated. It doesn't have to be negative, negativity is a condition, a choice even. I believe this because that's what I've experimented with and that's what's in my experience. 

I look at the moon and I'm so thankful for being able to experience that. That's good and all, but it doesn't make a difference, it doesn't mean anything. My best days are behind me. I'm deciding that. I've decided that. I don't act my age.

Whenever I consider what I potentially can do, I look at the people around me and they're all so young, and I'm just pathetic. When I was their age I couldn't imagine hanging around someone my age; and if I did, I wondered what they were doing around us. 

I hope I can go soon. None of this is new, I've said this all before, and the longer I go on the more I'll just be repeating myself while grappling with the unbearable.

Entry-level Yamaha Pacifica electric guitar

This pic was a draft post and I'm posting it at a much later date. I figure I must have bought it around this time. Good, solid entry-level guitar for cheaps. I forget how much it was, but NT$7,000-8,000 is sounding about right; in the $200 range. When I was growing up, you couldn't buy a guitar of this quality at this price, you got shit that felt cheap, sounded terrible and couldn't hold tuning. Anyway, these days with multi-fx units with digital modeling, even beginner guitars can sound downright impressive.

4:04 p.m. - Exploring the Erchong circular cycling path. The nifty mappage placing it in context of the greater Taipei area.

A new bridge in Taipei County, construction complete but not yet open to the public. Nikon N70, Kodak BW400CN.

Mt. Guanyin peak in the distance.

Guangdu Bridge in the distance, center. The last crossing of the Danshui River before it drains into the dire Taiwan Straits.

Guangdu Bridge and Mt. Guanyin peak.

4:01-4:15 p.m. - "Before" photos of these two locations from March 2009.

I went on an overnight trip to Kenting from Kaohsiung on Friday. Kenting is a national park/seaside resort at the southern tip of Taiwan, 2 hours south of Kaohsiung by bus.

Any plans I make are my own and don't concern anyone else, and can be executed or canceled on my own whim. Even going to Kaohsiung only happened because I attached that plan to something external, otherwise I might have ultimately just decided to stay home.

Going to Kenting was also a take it or leave it deal, but even as I was making rational excuses not to go, I also realized part of me felt like I had to go, whether I wanted to or not. If I didn't go, I probably would have just come back to Taipei. If I didn't go, it would've meant nothing was going to change, and I wasn't going to put any effort into making anything different, no matter what the future might bring. It's not that I necessarily want anything to change, but the important thing was to still have an attitude to accept change or make the left turn or do the something different.

I didn't have to go to Kenting, I just went 4 years ago with Hyun Ae and Takako. It wasn't compelling, maybe even the opposite. And there were times when it seemed like this trip wasn't adding anything to the time before. But in some ways, traveling with other people is boring and mundane. You're constricted by wondering what other people want to do, and then do nothing particularly extraordinary.

I like traveling alone, making my own decisions on what to do and where to go. This time I did go off and explore the few side streets and extended areas of the beaches. In the evening and in the morning I managed to find quiet spots to practice shakuhachi.

And going shooting, I did get some shots of the ordinary backstreets of Kenting, away from the bustle of the tourist crowds that I wouldn't have gotten if I was with other people. That stuff is way more interesting to me. I don't think I took a single shot on the main strip.

Anyway, I'm pleased that I went. Perhaps the most valuable bit of information was how calm and soothing it was on the beach, next to the water. Comfortable and inviting, emphasizing that nothing really matters, anyone can see.

I'm probably going back down to Kaohsiung next month for Gracie's 6th birthday. Wondering about the momentum.

THURSDAY, MAY 13 - Kaohsiung bike path and Robot 85 Building. Nikon N70, Kodak BW400CN.

Port of Kaohsiung, floating restaurant and container art.

North access to Kaohsiung Harbor to the right.

Fishing. The distinct outline of Shoushan (Shou Mt.) in the lower pic, looking a lot like a boa constrictor digesting an elephant.

I got access to a bike at my uncle's place, so was able to explore farther afield than my usual Kaohsiung photostrolls. I went further south along the harbor than I had ever been.

4:15 p.m. - Creative adaptation of railroad into bike path.

4:50 p.m. - Same footbridge as the black & white shot, giving an indication of the time frame in those shots.

5:45 p.m. - Looks like it will be interesting architecture when it's done.

5:53 p.m. - The northern access to Kaohsiung Harbor actually faces more west.

5:57 p.m. - Again, it's not officially called the Robot 85 Building, that's just what I call it.

6:19 p.m. - Photoroll end with shaved ice, which I submit is better in Kaohsiung than Taipei. Maybe because the tropical fruit is better in the true tropics of Kaohsiung, or just because it's hotter in Kaohsiung which leads to greater appreciation. 

FRIDAY, MAY 14, 8:57 p.m. - Just a marker photo of the motel room in Kenting. I had barely just got off the bus on the main strip when I was approached about whether I needed a room. I did. The price was just what I expected (NT$1,000/US$30) so I asked to see it and accepted.

SATURDAY, MAY 15, 9:50 a.m. - The glory of morning, Kenting.

9:59 a.m.

Desolate feeling.

Red filter.

Believe me, I tried taking pictures of nature. It's Kenting National Park, after all. I just suck at finding appealing form and composition in nature and gravitate towards the human made.

 

To shoot nature, I'm more satisfied when I can shoehorn it into shots of settlement.

These days have been alright. The best that I can expect. But that's admittedly with a downgraded range. Neutral is the best that I can expect. But if it's the best I can expect, that's pretty damn good. It's still the best. I have flashes of the old negativity, but when it flashes up I realize that I'm not struggling with it all the time anymore, meaning something worked in my working on it. A lot of it I attribute to long-term sitting and associated mindfulness practices.

Practice changes through the years, and I shouldn't wonder that for long periods of time I would sit and let my mind wander and do whatever it wants. That's not the best practice, but it still had value in that I still did the 45 minutes of quiet sitting. That in itself is an accomplishment, although it just maintains a baseline of discipline without affecting what my mind is doing or how it processes the world. In recent practice memory, I've gotten more proactive during sitting, maintaining a general mantra of "clear the thoughts, calm the mind, relax the body" as a starting point and among other things. From there it can take any number of forms in any number of directions. Sometimes my mind wanders like before, sometimes 45 minutes goes by in what feels like 25 minutes.

On the other hand, with the flashes of negativity in crowds or surrounded by people, I can quickly identify it and neutralize it mentally, but getting to neutral is the best my mind and attitude and outlook can achieve. There is an array of positive feelings and mindsets that I remember from experiencing them in the past that I don't think I'll ever feel again. Even if the stimuli are there, my response and attitude towards them are now different and euphoria or achievement or response are not what they once were.

I know I took an unusual turn somewhere there on my path. It doesn't have to be this way. But it is the path I chose from the very start. I have this on record for over 20 years. There's nothing unusual about how I want this to end up. Preferably sooner than later. I guess what is unusual is that there was a time when I wasn't so good at hiding what was going on. There was a time when I don't think people in my life could claim that they had no idea something was going on. Or they could, but I think I was leaking out plenty of signals so that if they were paying attention, things would have made sense.

People I know now have no exposure to that part of my history. I don't show any indication that I'm like this. They might think back and remember seeing a lot of scars and free mention of alcoholism, but nothing that would act as forewarning. I think I'm banking on alcoholism as my guarantee. If I end up doing nothing, nothing's going to stop my liver from failing if I continue drinking like this, and nothing's stopping me from drinking.

I think I've lived my life fully. I've done what I wanted to do. If I was given a definite date in the near future that I was going to die, I don't think I would regret how I've done anything, nor would I do anything drastically different. I wouldn't go traveling or blow my bank account – I did that in San Francisco without the death sentence – or do something drastic or life-affirming. No fucking "bucket list".

All through this, I sometimes think about why I'm still running or riding or practicing bass or drums or whatever. And my answer is because this is how I live my life, and I'll live it this way until the day I die. I run because I'm a runner. There's no point to it, nor to the other things. If I was going to die tomorrow, if I thought I wanted to go for a ride or to the drum practice room or go shooting, I probably would. Because this is what I consider living life, however pathetic or paltry. If I just wanted to stay in on the internet, I probably would. I most definitely wouldn't spend time with other people.

Savory pancake street food. Rainbow V 22mm lens toy camera, Ilford XP2 Super.

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Here's the last one of these. I'm not planning on making a 2010 mix because I'm projecting I won't need to. Most of these videos are official uploads. I've indicated the ones that aren't and might have been deleted. Not that I'm under any illusion that this is for anyone else but me. I've also linked these postings together, and they can be put on one page by clicking the mix CD tag. For me, that is.

2009 (mix CD of every year of my life series):
1. Abracadabra (Brown Eyed Girls) Korea
2. Why I Am (Dave Matthews Band)
3. The Fixer (Pearl Jam)
4. Abbot Kinney (Love Psychedelico) Japan
5. Chasing Pirates (Nora Jones)
6. 향 Scent (Casker) Korea
7. 如果看見地獄, 我就不怕魔鬼 If I saw hell, I won't fear the devil (Tizzy Bac) Taiwan
8. 春のまぼろし (Haru no Maboroshi) (Superfly) Japan (audio only)
9. Blindness (Metric) (audio only)
10. 想いあふれて (Omoi Afurete) (Aya Matsuura) Japan (unofficial upload)
11. Butterfly (Kimura Kaela) Japan (audio only)
12. Bo Peep Bo Peep (T-ara) Korea
13. Honey (Kara) Korea
14. Hey! (e.via) Korea (unofficial upload)
15. 永遠 (Eien - Forever) (BoA) Japan
16. The Whale Song (Modest Mouse)
17. ありあまる富 (Ariamaru Tomi - Abundant Wealth) (Shiina Ringo) Japan
18. Moment of Surrender (U2) (audio only)

2008

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2:01 p.m. - Qidu hills, east of Taipei in Keelung. This is the highest point I could find. I haven't figured out an obvious cycling route in these hills. I found roads that go up, and then going up deciding which forks to take based on what looked more promising, and eventually coming down on some different road.

2:31-2:35 p.m. - It started raining while descending the Qidu hills and by the time I reached the bottom and the roads back to Taipei, it was coming down hard enough for me to take refuge at a local shrine. I don't ride in the rain. Think wet cat. I offered gratitude to the spirits of the shrine for the shelter.

So after establishing a time for a 4-mile run pushing it, I decided to do the same 4-mile run, but not pushing it, which means running to the best of my ability, but laying off if it was getting hard. Final time was 30:48; 8 seconds slower than last time, and average 7:42 miles. I was surprised I wasn't slower, but actually it makes a lot of sense. I like it when things make sense. It was slower because I wasn't pushing it, but it wasn't drastically slower because I'm still at a stage where I'm improving my time each run, and the last time pushing it was part of the process.

I did get a nasty bit of news from an old friend. Turns out she has cirrhosis and has just begun treatment. It's not the kind of cirrhosis you get from alcoholism, but it's kinda weird that I know that's where I'm headed, and she gets a liver disease out of nowhere. I'm hoping they caught it in time. This isn't saying anything, but she mentioned her symptoms leading up to getting this diagnosis, and they matched many that I've experienced recently. More importantly, not all of them matched, and I've experienced health-related issues that she didn't mention.

Liver disease is a funny thing. You can have a set of symptoms and have liver disease, but someone else with the exact same symptoms might not have it. And another person might not have any of those symptoms, but have liver disease.

I don't know what was the symptom that made her go check it out. I know that under no conditions am I going to a doctor voluntarily. That's one of my hang-ups; one of my "things". I never go see a doctor. The last time I did was when we got health insurance at work in San Francisco, and it was a "what the hell" kinda thing. It turned out I had a condition that the doctor treating me previously had. After he heard my description of the symptoms and examined me, he said, "You don't seem to be particularly bothered by this. You probably figured it would just go away, but just came in out of curiosity".

I was startled, he was exactly right. I was feeling a pain, but it didn't feel at all that it was pain being caused by damage, that something was wrong. If it weren't for people urging me to take advantage of the firm's health plan, I would've ignored it. He then admitted he had it before and that was his reaction as well. He told me his went away after a short duration, and I should probably expect the same. A nerve was being impinged upon, but it would adjust itself in time and the pain would go away.

Anyway, I envision the path I would take for some serious liver issue very differently. No doctors, no treatment, no medication. Just let it take its course. I knowingly brought it on, why would I suddenly turn around and try to fight it? I would consider how I deal with it as part of my journey and I would treat it like all phenomena I encounter and examine it and try to understand it and my feelings and reactions. I wouldn't get sucked into it emotionally, I wouldn't be upset or despair over it. Any emotional episodes would also be viewed as part of the process and the journey. I wouldn't be numb about it, just mindful.