Walking home late at night through quiet streets, with a waning gibbous moon high in the sky, temperatures cool and pleasant. Earlier in the evening, it looked like Venus was in the western sky. In the wee hours now, likely either Jupiter or Saturn had risen in the east. 

Those objects in the night sky make me think they will endure for much longer than what's going on here on the surface of this planet. We by nature are transient, and by our nature make our planet a much more dynamic place in our little way. And transient. 

When I was much younger, when I looked at the night sky I didn't feel small or insignificant. I felt vast. Now, I feel insignificant, but not necessarily because of looking up at the night sky. More because it's become a clearer fact. More so for me than other people who accept and live their lives as substantial. 

My insignificance is profound, but my huge ego even attributes this ridiculous profundity to my insignificance. My dying is going to make such a small impact, but part of my mind dwells on that impact and it's just so pathetic because of what a small splash it will make. I really need to just go, let it go. 

As I stand on the sidewalk looking up at the moon, I feel a very concrete existence that I'm going to remove. This information I've collected as a person will be gone. Big fucking deal. I remember thinking that when I left San Francisco. I had this knowledge, information of San Francisco that when I left would be rendered useless and irrelevant. And I felt something like regret about it. 

Recently I've been spending more time than not in a state that I call the "unbearable". And I struggle with it because wherever I am, it's not supposed to be bad or negative, and "unbearable" has a negative connotation. 

I mentally push myself back to neutral, the best I can hope for these days. Negative space is just an illusion, it can be manipulated. It doesn't have to be negative, negativity is a condition, a choice even. I believe this because that's what I've experimented with and that's what's in my experience. 

I look at the moon and I'm so thankful for being able to experience that. That's good and all, but it doesn't make a difference, it doesn't mean anything. My best days are behind me. I'm deciding that. I've decided that. I don't act my age.

Whenever I consider what I potentially can do, I look at the people around me and they're all so young, and I'm just pathetic. When I was their age I couldn't imagine hanging around someone my age; and if I did, I wondered what they were doing around us. 

I hope I can go soon. None of this is new, I've said this all before, and the longer I go on the more I'll just be repeating myself while grappling with the unbearable.