Practice changes through the years, and I shouldn't wonder that for long periods of time I would sit and let my mind wander and do whatever it wants. That's not the best practice, but it still had value in that I still did the 45 minutes of quiet sitting. That in itself is an accomplishment, although it just maintains a baseline of discipline without affecting what my mind is doing or how it processes the world. In recent practice memory, I've gotten more proactive during sitting, maintaining a general mantra of "clear the thoughts, calm the mind, relax the body" as a starting point and among other things. From there it can take any number of forms in any number of directions. Sometimes my mind wanders like before, sometimes 45 minutes goes by in what feels like 25 minutes.
On the other hand, with the flashes of negativity in crowds or surrounded by people, I can quickly identify it and neutralize it mentally, but getting to neutral is the best my mind and attitude and outlook can achieve. There is an array of positive feelings and mindsets that I remember from experiencing them in the past that I don't think I'll ever feel again. Even if the stimuli are there, my response and attitude towards them are now different and euphoria or achievement or response are not what they once were.
I know I took an unusual turn somewhere there on my path. It doesn't have to be this way. But it is the path I chose from the very start. I have this on record for over 20 years. There's nothing unusual about how I want this to end up. Preferably sooner than later. I guess what is unusual is that there was a time when I wasn't so good at hiding what was going on. There was a time when I don't think people in my life could claim that they had no idea something was going on. Or they could, but I think I was leaking out plenty of signals so that if they were paying attention, things would have made sense.
People I know now have no exposure to that part of my history. I don't show any indication that I'm like this. They might think back and remember seeing a lot of scars and free mention of alcoholism, but nothing that would act as forewarning. I think I'm banking on alcoholism as my guarantee. If I end up doing nothing, nothing's going to stop my liver from failing if I continue drinking like this, and nothing's stopping me from drinking.
I think I've lived my life fully. I've done what I wanted to do. If I was given a definite date in the near future that I was going to die, I don't think I would regret how I've done anything, nor would I do anything drastically different. I wouldn't go traveling or blow my bank account – I did that in San Francisco without the death sentence – or do something drastic or life-affirming. No fucking "bucket list".
All through this, I sometimes think about why I'm still running or riding or practicing bass or drums or whatever. And my answer is because this is how I live my life, and I'll live it this way until the day I die. I run because I'm a runner. There's no point to it, nor to the other things. If I was going to die tomorrow, if I thought I wanted to go for a ride or to the drum practice room or go shooting, I probably would. Because this is what I consider living life, however pathetic or paltry. If I just wanted to stay in on the internet, I probably would. I most definitely wouldn't spend time with other people.
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