Again I'm back at this wall. Again I keep stepping back away. But a very loud voice inside me is telling me it's not a choice anymore. I must do this. I have to do this. There is no or. There is no delineating reasons, no justification. I've lived my life, I know my life, and I simply have to do this.
It's my duty, it's my responsibility, it's my sacrifice, it's my destiny, I have to do this, I have to let go, I have to not cling to this ego-perspective by making the ultimate sacrifice for my soul, my karma, and my future.
If I entered the monastery, I could be doing good, improving my karma, but I would still be clinging to this ego-perspective. I would because I would know it. When I was at the monastery before, I could talk the talk and walk the walk; I could fool anyone but myself that I was still clinging to this ego-perspective.
I do think I've reached a point of transformation like none other before. For the past few weeks, I've been focused on maintaining a positive mindset and outlook at all times and the result has been pretty remarkable. I don't feel like I'm struggling with negativity as much as I've written before, and that has made me feel lighter.
I don't let things bother me. I have my armor on. When you have your armor on, what can bring any harm? Someone may do something that might otherwise make me react negatively, but I'm wearing armor and I ask myself, "What harm does that bring me? None, so why react negatively at all?"
I chase away negative thoughts by analyzing them, thinking "This such-and-such feeling/reaction is an unenlightened expression of my natural being caused by such-and-such afflictive cause". And I can always identify some afflictive cause for the negative feeling/reaction.
For example, if someone fails to get out of my way on the sidewalk and I feel a flash of anger, I think, "This anger is an unenlightened expression of my natural being caused by ego-clinging (or righteousness – I had more of a right to be there than he did)". Or if I observe someone in traffic do something stupid, I think, "This critical mind (or judgmental mind) is an unenlightened expression of my natural being caused by arrogance (or ignorance)".
I'm not sure I could maintain this positive mindset perpetually. Part of the force behind being able to maintain it is this drive to succeed this time. I am really facing it, often staring at the wall and realizing there's no reason why not right now. Right now, shut up, go! And I answer back, "Wait!"
And I know it might as well be right now. I could be making the decision right now. It's a wrap. Wrap up those last few things and go. Wait!
If I don't? Yea, it's bad. Really bad. Everything is bad if I don't do it. It'll be dire if I don't put it a good attempt. I'll have to do something absolutely crazy. If I don't do it, it has to get bad.
Now, or soon, because the time is perfect. It doesn't matter that I still have enough in my bank account to last a bit longer. Part of now is about the unbearable; part is about not wanting to continue languishing, lingering. Mostly it's because the time is perfect. Again. I know I've been here before.
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| Undated but in roll sequence (frames 25 and 26) so earlier this month or late last month, Taipei. Rainbow V 22mm lens toy camera, Ilford XP2 Super. |
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| THURSDAY, JULY 22 - Frame 27 |
