I had what could be described as a normal sleep, it looks normal on paper. Falling asleep took a little time, not right away, but then I slept for four hours before waking and then continued sleeping and waking at intervals until my alarm went off. That's totally acceptable for me. I had gone to the gym yesterday.

I am bracing for the recovery dead sleep. It lurks. It's like a time bomb. Maybe just those two days weren't enough to mess things up that much. I'm not worried, I'm just writing about it to describe it. I have the luxury of being able to take it in stride. If I'm wiped out and zombified for a few days, it doesn't really matter. I'm not doing anything. I don't have to do anything.

Truth to tell I'm forcing myself to continue writing this blog. I really don't want to, don't need to. My relationship with my ego has gotten to a point where I'm sensitive to the fact that writing a blog is an ego feed. There's a lot I haven't mentioned about practice and meditations.

Actually, everything is an ego feed. Any contact with any of the five physical senses feeds the sense of ego, that I am here. It's the most natural thing in the world in terms of human experience, yet Buddhism points it out as a fault, as the first step towards all our suffering. And to pursue non-suffering, Buddhism suggests a path to understand the role of ego and ego-attachment towards suffering and to transform our perspective on it.

But it's like having stopped playing guitar and bass. I still have a guitar and bass and I still take them out and play with them. In the past year, I've even bought a multi-fex gadget that I can plug into and play through headphones or speakers.

But I still consider myself having stopped. I'm not a bassist or any sort of musician. It doesn't feed any ego-identity. It's a karmic skill I've acquired, but I hope I'm not feeding any continuing karmic energy.

As for this blog, it used to be that I wanted the record to exist somewhere of who I was. Now that idea is ridiculous and I couldn't care less. Record for what or whom? My ego, of course. No one cares about it. No one knows about it and I've done everything to hide it that didn't involve actively restricting it through privacy settings. Hiding it in plain sight, that is.

Even as I'm writing this, I'm thinking, "this is so stupid".