insomnia diaries

Yea, even for me, that "ignore the effects of insomnia" policy isn't always possible. And I can only have that policy nominally because I can afford to. People who have to function and deal with the world can't even pretend to.

And note to self: going to the gym after a night of insomnia is probably not the smartest thing in the world. In a word, yesterday can be described as being "bad", although I'm not so much into the "good"-"bad" judgy thing. Things just are.

That being said, mindfulness practice does come into play in that I don't see myself as a victim of an affliction. Something "bad" is happening but I just observe it and my reaction and don't make it personal or get emotional about it. At worst, things are just "interesting". i.e., oh this is not good, I think I need to get home asap . . . how interesting.

The effects of insomnia do feel like an illness. There's a definite short circuit in mental capacity; I remember that from that time I was working at the Post and my boss came up to me and told me he called two other people to come in to cover for me and that I should go home. I was like, "why?!". I thought I was functioning fine when it was clear I wasn't. And, mind you, he told me this right after I had come out from the bathroom where I had been hyperventilating.

As for working out, it's stupid because, again, there are mental lapses of grandeur thinking I can do what I clearly can't and run the risk of injury. Aside from that, physical weakness manifests where a perfectly reasonable weight resistance workout ends up in unreasonable soreness, as if I had just started working out.

As for today, last night was a recovery dead-sleep and I got a full night sleep but then had trouble getting up and cancelled morning sitting. I didn't go to the gym and was pretty much zombified and wiped out. Exhaustion came easily.