The rhetorical question in my mind is how did Robin Williams know it was time? Not to be naive, I'm not thinking it was a rational decision. Although it's possible, I imagine a larger consensus would agree that a lot of emotions, what we often refer to as "demons", were likely involved in his room and in his head that night.

But also not to be naïve, given his history and struggles with depression and substance abuse, it's possible that he has tried to commit suicide numerous times before. What went on that night earlier this week, was quite possibly not the first time a similar scenario played out, and might not even have meant to be a definitive, decisive event. 

Some reports say he was found unconscious, but then couldn't be revived, in which case it was a matter that he wasn't found in time. But whether he was found dead or unconscious, his reported M.O. doesn't suggest a definitive commitment to the act, but was perhaps allowing for an aura of the possibility of surviving. He didn't go out like Kurt Cobain. Goddammit, do I have to draw a picture?

Anyway, my particular launch point is the rhetorical question how did he know it was time to go? He lived with depression and substance dependency all his life. He survived for decades. He was public about it and what he was going through. Why couldn't he get through another bad night as he had presumably many times before?

It's a selfish rhetorical question. I'm only asking it for myself. How will I know when it's time to go? What did he know that I don't but hope to? It's a ridiculous rhetorical question, like I'm looking up to him for inspiration. I'm not.

I've always assumed I'm going to commit suicide. It's a given. My definition of suicide has even morphed to where it didn't matter how I died, I'd still consider it a suicide because of the way I view my existence.

But the ideal is that my death would be my decision and as such executed. But when? What I said about Robin Williams perhaps having an "aura of the possibility of surviving" is a projection. As is the speculation that due to the nature of his condition, he has tried many times before.

Both of those are more my reality and experience. Suicide has always been with me. I've never in my life said I would never commit suicide, and conversely I've always said I would. Granted, mostly to myself, ergo the lack of attention and the virtual isolation in which I currently live.

Of course, a difference between Robin Williams and me is that I'm not suffering from severe depression. As far as I'm concerned I'm not even depressed. And as much as I abuse alcohol, well that's another discussion.

As much as I abuse alcohol, alcohol doesn't abuse me! Bam. No other discussion!

You can put me in a therapist's chair for however long you want and we could banter about various and sundry subjects and I would get a clean bill of mental health. Until the suicide thing is mentioned, at which point I would be immediately diagnosed as depressed and prescribed medication. I didn't even need to mention it if my mental health was just being assessed.

For me, there just comes times in my life where the totality of things converge pointing to an attempt. That's how I know when, and so far I've always failed. So if I failed, was I wrong about when? And if I was wrong, should I not even have tried? I don't know, I don't give a fuck, that's not my rhetorical question.

Maybe Robin Williams' death was an accident. Maybe it was an act of personal expression and he thought perhaps he'd pull through in the morning. There are, I gather, many details in his M.O. that could have allowed him to survive. As with me there are always numerous built-in details that allow me to fail. And maybe I'm waiting for an accident that will allow me to succeed.

Nevertheless, there is no doubt in my mind even if there were an aura of a possibility of survival, he didn't mind dying. He took into consideration the pain he would cause to his family and millions of fans and admirers, but in the end, I don't think he minded.

I'm sad for me that he's gone, not for him.