More sophomorism on black holes:
I read an article in Astronomy magazine (April 2002) positing an inflationary theory of the universe that is eternal. The theory likens the growth and inflation of the universe to fractals, and when it stops in one region of space, it starts in another. (think of those neat computer generated fractals people use as screen savers that are best watched whilst stoned).

The fractal model actually squares with what I mentioned that black holes in our universe might be the big bang of other universes. Black holes in our universe might be points in our universe where it stops inflating. The article I read had a graphic of a fractal image that really helped. But the fractal image isn't accurate because it shows other universes forming off the "surface" of our universe.

But that's OK, because that is the best three dimensional rendering of the theory. I'm thinking that other universes are spawned from black holes in our universe, but they are within the matrix of a 4th dimension (or 5th if you consider time to be the 4th), so it would be impossible to visualize it.

Where it starts getting weird for me:
If black holes are the big bangs of other universes, at what point does the black hole bang big? Maybe there's some critical mass within the black hole that must be reached before banging. I don't like that – too linear. And a point of critical mass is assuming laws that don't exist anymore.

So now I'm thinking that since space-time breaks down in black holes, time as we know it in our universe is different than what it might be or look like on the other side, in the new universe. That is, from our point of view, outside of the black hole, the black hole exists in time, and it is sucking in everything – time, space, light, matter – that is unfortunate enough to cross the event horizon. It is accreting this material over what we perceive as a period of time.

However, on the other side of the black hole, it is just like our universe. All the matter in our universe was contained in this single, infinitely dense point in neither time or space. The universe banged at the moment that the black hole formed in our universe, but in our universe, it looks like the black hole is still accreting material. In the new universe, it's already all there!

And true to my comparative religion tendencies (which includes theoretical science), this idea was inspired for me (I'm sure this is all old hat to physicists) by Buddhist concepts of bodhisattvas and nirvana, but I won't go into that.

current soundtrack: Throwing Muses (Hunkpapa)

I showed this guy my pictures, he said they didn't breath
I said I painted them that way, kind of hanging on his sleeve, fall down
I showed this girl my stitches, she said she had some, too
She said she thinks she'll start a rock band, too. Fall down
- "Fall Down"

Oh, crap:
I just realized the same thing happened last year.

Aprils have been the hardest month for me to get through for the past several years. "Hardest month to get through"? What does that mean?

For some reason, it's always in April that my grip on reality slips and spirals out of control, as does my already dubious ability to deal with it, existence, and my own damn self. It's all internal, I'll usually slice, dice, cut, shop, drop, drink, sink, or stink my way through to the other side of the month, and I don't let anything show, and I don't let anyone know. Last year, it took me by surprise by starting a week early.

So I'm sitting here and I randomly catch myself something between a tear and a laugh, and then I look at the calendar, and I think, "uncanny".

Joycee factoid of the day: Fell down on her shoulder snowboarding this weekend. Her shoulder is stiff. Surprise, surprise.

On Working:
I don't belong here.

You work in an environment like this long enough, the same aisles, the same cubes, offices, the same walls, flourescent light, ceilings, the same work and grind . . . I can see how some of these people start thinking this is reality. And that it's not that bad, bearable.

That's the first step into becoming part of the machine. I can understand how people might think they have a life outside of this, but no, this is an integral part of your identity as long as you are here. You have no choice but to spend 8 hours of your day here and you squeeze what you can into the rest of the evening and recuperate on weekends.

The job makes us drones, even if we maintain our humanity. Edith, a lifer, surprised me a couple weeks ago:
Edith: how's it going?
k: as good as it gets, days melting into days . . .
Edith: . . . into months
k: (raises eyebrow)

I thought Edith was a drone. She is. Most of us are. She keeps her humanity hidden. But it's there. But she's a drone. She's a lifer. I might be a lifer, too. Short life.

(from lan from hapachan through chocoliz)

physical appearance
what do you most like about your body? my scars
how many fillings do you have? my teeth? hell if I know.

fashion
do you wear a watch? several: a Timex with thermometer; a glowing PopHalo; and an assortment of swatches
favorite pants/skirt color? impartial
most expensive item of clothing? probably $65 Levi's jean jacket
most treasured? Kristin Hersh "Strange Angel" t-shirt; Versus t-shirt; Throwing Muses "Limbo" t-shirt; Amina's black henley
what kind of shoes do you wear? comfy sneakers
describe your style in one word. casual

your friends
do your friends 'know' you? not a clue
what do they tend to be like? sarcastic, either hilarious or have great senses of humor, sensitive
are there traits in you that are universally liked? everyone likes when I go psycho and smash shit up
how many people do you tell everything to? 86
how many people tell you everything? "everything" as in more than I want to hear? everyone.

love
are you in a relationship right now? no
rate it on a scale from 1 to 10. 10
how 'far' have you been? nauseatingly far. It would nauseate you.
what song reminds you of your special someone? "Morning Glory" - Versus
have you ever loved a person so much that it hurt? yes, but probably not in the way you mean
how many people do you say 'i love you' to on a daily basis? 1, if imaginary people count
have you ever cheated on your significant other? no

music / tv / film / books
favorite band ever? Genesis (that's of all-time, I don't listen to them much these days)
most listened to bands currently? Versus, Modest Mouse, 764-HERO, Rilo Kiley, Built to Spill, Death Cab for Cutie
do you find any musicians good-looking? all musicians are good looking
can you play an instrument? yes
type of music most listened to? anything but country, opera, angry whiteboy rap, metal, christian rock
type never listened to? if I knew, then I've listened to it
favorite book? Catch-22; The Little Prince
favorite film? Wings of Desire; Bagdad Cafe; Field of Dreams; Hook; A Life Less Ordinary; Desert Blue; Raising Arizona; Home for the Holiday (what is it about Holly Hunter?)

religion
do you detest religion? institutionalized religion, yes; personal religion, no.
how do you think this universe was formed (explain in detail)? from a black hole in another universe. see other entries.
if you currently follow a religion, do you think people who belong to another religion are ignorant? no. Stupid, yes; ignorant, no. But stupid not because they belong to another "religion". Just because they're stupid.

homosexuality
what is the first thing you think when you see two gay guys or lesbians holding hands? cute, love is love and it's wonderful whoever it is. Better than seeing two people hating each other.
do you detest homosexuality? no
do you agree or disagree with gay or lesbian couples bringing up children? agree

general questions
whom do you believe is the smartest man alive at the moment? Smart man is an oxymoron. Smart=oxy, man=moron.
what do you prefer, a sunny or rainy day? sunny.
do you consider yourself lucky? how so or how not so? lucky, because I'm still alive. Unlucky, because I'm still alive. Story of my life.
do you feel pity for people who commit suicide? I detest the question
choose one word to describe how you feel most often. like a smooth operator. I've always wanted to work for the phone company.

NAME 4 BAD HABITS YOU HAVE: 

1. not working at work (being unmotivated and procrastinating) 

2. not wearing a helmet while bike riding (not really a habit - I won't even consider it) 

3. passing homeless people without emptying the change in my pocket. (it's just change!) 

4. you don't want to know #4 

NAME 4 PEOPLE CURRENTLY ON YOUR BAD SIDE: 

1. Ms. Case Manager (note to self: buy voodoo doll) 

2. Elizabeth (for pointing out that Pinback is playing on the same night as 764-HERO) 

3. hm, who else is worth enough to be on my bad side? 

4. 

NAME 4 SCENTS YOU LOVE: 

1. Christian Dior - Tendre Poison 

2. Summer (which we rarely get a whiff of in this dang city) 

3. lasagna 

4. I dunno . . . monasteries maybe? Sandlewood, I guess. 

 NAME 4 THINGS YOU'D NEVER WEAR: 

1. leather teddy 

2. noose (although I have before. For Halloween) 

3. turtleneck 

4. heart on my sleeve 

NAME 4 ANIMALS YOU LIKE: 

1. cats 

2. penguins 

3. owls 

4. gerbils! 

NAME 4 TV SHOWS YOU LOVE: 

1. Northern Exposure 

2. Cheers 

3. The Simpsons 

4. Star Trek: The Next Generation 

NAME 4 CELEBRITIES YOU DON'T LIKE: 

1. Eric Clapton (so over-rated, I consider him a celebrity, that says it all) 

2. Tom Hanks (annoying to the core) 

3. Mariah Scarey 

4. any right-wing Republican and/or evangelical Christian personality 

NAME 4 DRINKS YOU REGULARLY DRINK (this was the easiest question): 

1. Coffee 

2. Water 

3. Orange Juice 

4. Diet Pepsi (not regularly, but I LOVE Diet Pepsi) 

NAME 4 ICE CREAM FLAVORS YOU LOVE (this was the hardest question): 

1. Ben & Jerry's Chocolate Fudge Brownie 

2. Ben & Jerry's Orange & Cream 

3. Ben & Jerry's Coconut Almond Fudge Chip 

4. Ben & Jerry's S.N.A.F.U. Strawberries Naturally All Fudged Up 2-Twisted

NAME 4 RANDOM FACTS ABOUT YOURSELF: 

1. fave color is orange, fave band is Genesis 

2. the two people I would have married dumped me! 

3. I have abandonment issues 

4. I have commitment issues (I've been committed before. Twice!)

NAME 4 RANDOM FACTS ABOUT YOUR FAMILY: 

1. grandfather was the president of a bus company in Kaohsiung, Taiwan

2. my oldest brother used to make me see red by calling me "fatso"

3. when we were kids, me and my brothers would greet father when he came home from work and kiss him on the cheek. and apparently, in my memory, I started it

4. we have a branches in Japan, U.S., Canada, and Hong Kong

Joycee factoid of the day: Went to the John Scofield show at Yoshi's last night. She said it was totally funked up. 

current soundtrack: Pearl Jam (Live on Two Legs - "Do the Evolution")

On the Value of Acquaintances:
People choose what to express and communicate to other people either through action and communication or inaction and non-communication. Both say something. Both speak.

Value in another person is usually expressed in action and communication, and likewise lack of value is expressed in inaction or non-communication. You can be attentive to someone you value, or you can be cavalier about someone you don't value. It's all positive expression. And rarely are you attentive to someone you don't value, or cavalier about some you value.

What's twisted about me is that I don't take umbrage when someone is cavalier about the value they place in me. That's just not the way I work, I try not to impose myself on other people. They've chosen what they want to express and I have to accept that. What can I do? Get upset, confront them? why don't you like me more? drop them? Well, eventually, probably. But for the time being I just accept it and adjust my perspective of the situation, basically match my value in them to theirs in me, and let it go.

Joycee factoid of the day: Finds Ms. Case Manager as degrading and dehumanizing as I do.

current soundtrack: +/- "(known to friends and family as "plusminus")" - Noisepop festival guide

Bon printemps

Vernal or Spring equinox takes place on Wednesday, March 20 at 2:16pm (eastern standard time), when the Sun crosses the Celestial equator from South to North, marking the first day of Spring in the Northern hemisphere. 

I check this blog every morning at work to make sure I didn't post anything incriminating or incredibly stupid painfully embarrassing the night before. Especially after a night at Beale St. (after which I tested my theory of RUI (riding under the influence), and yes, it works, although sometimes it takes a few seconds to get into a more controlled state of mind). 

I like randomly bringing New Jersey into conversations: 

Q: What are those scratches from? 

A: Mostly from cats. 

Q: Cats? Those must be pretty vicious cats. 

A: Big cats. I used to work at the zoo. 

Q: You so did not work at a zoo. 

A: Fine, don't believe me. 

Q: Which zoo? 

A: New Jersey Zoo. 

and 

E: Why did you live in 'Third World House' (in college)?

K: Because I didn't meet the Bon Jovi fan requirement to get into New Jersey House. 

and

After getting into an argument with Eric whether or not Bruce Springsteen is peeing on the American flag on the cover of the "Born in the U.S.A." album, I took a poll to see if anyone could corroborate it. No one could: "OK, you win, it looks like New Jerseyans will have to once again lead the country in the belief that Bruce Springsteen is peeing on Bon Jovi's toupee". 

and

me: OMG, you're from New Jersey? Where from?

them: (wherever)

me: Yeah? I'm from near Fort Lee, we're practically paisano!

current soundtrack: Vivaldi - "The Four Seasons: Winter" (coming from my neighbors cube. For an actual classical musician, she sure likes mainstream stuff)

Lordy, lordy, lordy . . . some sitcoms on these days (i.e., the Random Years on WB after Buffy) . . . the writing, the dialogue is pretty much the kind of inane, random, halibut dialogue I have during my days with co-workers, like Eric, to amuse ourselves, saving ourselves from gripping ennui . . . only Eric and I would have the sense not to put it on tv and subject however many hundreds of people to that sort of torture. It's torturous enough for us.

Sophomorism:
So I'm trying to imagine a black hole, a singularity, and it's not an infinitely dense sphere with gravity so great that not even light can escape. The event horizon is not the edge of a sphere, the crossing of which might be entry into a wormhole through space-time.

Instead, I read an NYT article, ". . .matter, say in a dead star, could collapse into a heap so dense that light could not even escape from it, eventually squeezing itself out of existence. At the center, space would be infinitely curved . . . Space, time and even the laws of physics themselves would break down at this cosmic dead end, called a singularity."

It squeezes itself out of existence, so no it's not a sphere. A sphere in my mind exists. So the singularity is an infinitely dense point of non-existence. But then my mind goes on a tangent about the Big Bang and the point in which all the matter that now comprises our universe was contained. Since it contained the amount of matter necessary to create numerous black holes within our universe, it certainly contained enough mass to squeeze itself out of existence.

So in linear pedestrian thinking, it seems that the point out of which sprung the Big Bang was non-existent, or a perhaps a black hole of inconceivable density (when something is that dense, does the degree matter anymore?). What caused that infinitely dense point to "bang", and what if a black hole in our observable universe "bangs"? Could it create a universe? Would the universe it creates inflate and expand like ours, according to latest knowledge, did and is doing? Maybe it's created on the "other side" of the black hole.

The singularity is not a sphere. It is infinitely curved space and non-existence is somewhere in the equation. It is positive, proactive non-existence in this universe, a concept that is rendered inconceivable by the very fact that we exist.

I wonder where I can get lasagna for lunch. (Greek choir nods in approval).

"...one of the supreme mysteries of nature. That is the ability, according to the quantum mechanic laws that govern subatomic affairs, of a particle like an electron to exist in a murky state of possibility - to be anywhere, everywhere or nowhere at all . . ."

It never ceases to amaze me how scientific language uses the same words I use for spiritual concepts.

I wish I cared.
Oh, wait, I do care.
I wish I didn't care.

I think my attempts to push co-worker Eric over the edge are succeeding. Anyday now. Anyday.

Joycee factoid of the day: Yay! Joycee really likes the mix, and Whit's all jealous, but I can't make him a mix because he's more of a metal guy. I guess that was more of a Whit factoid of the day.

current soundtrack - Radiohead (OK Computer)

Posted at the speed of blog!:
Test Results

You think of yourself as being happy, tropical, bright, and citrusy.

Others think of you as being furry, warm, funny, and independent.

Your relationships can be described as huge, ominous, mysterious, and inviting.

When stressed, you feel free.

Take this test here.

Joycee factoid of the day: Can sing at least two verses and a chorus of "The Battle Hymn of the Republic". Actually, that's a factoid from Friday, but I thought the hoody thing was too precious. But now that I think of it, today's factoid should qualify for a Joycee factoid of the MONTH!!

ok, here's the first go. two weeks left for two more. keep in mind pncm's encouraging words to me, paraphrased, "well, they can suck, can't they?" Yes, dear, they can:

working title: The Observable Universe
Fastening up my shoes
Snow sticks to the ground and then melts
No memory of dreams at night
Today is just the day after yesterday
Just another day after yesterday, and yesterday//
The 4th dimension's in my head it couldn't fully explain
Where my skin stops being skin and becomes thin air//
Little life with a megaphone
Good vibrations fill the air
I'm so cold, hiver everywhere
Everyday, everyone's an obstacle
Maybe I'll take my advice
Maybe this time I'll mean it
Maybe this time I'll really mean it, I mean it//
The 4th dimension's in my brain it couldn't fully explain
If I fell in the forest would I make a sound?//
You don't even like the sun
What would you care if I'm gone
You don't even like the sun
What would you care if I'm wrong//
The 4th dimension's in my head it couldn't fully explain
Where my skin stops being skin and becomes thin air
If I fell in the forest would you be there to hear my call
Or would the 4th dimension echo in the fall

Why am I posting this? Because if it makes me wince thinking that someone else might be reading it, that means I need to change it. Tweaking can wait till April, though.

current soundtrack: Joycee mix

Holy shit, Elizabeth, this Fugazi is amazing!

Am I a punk at heart? Did I totally miss the emo boat by not even knowing what it was? Story of my life. No matter, I'd rather play indie drums than emo or punk drums. Punk or emo I'd prefer guitar, and I don't do that well enough anyway. No comment on second audition. Both bands I auditioned for this weekend had missing members, making it particularly difficult to gauge what's going on.

Northern Exposure quote of the day:
No, you're not, Maurice, you're trying to recapture the illusion that you're in control and you're not. Man, nobody is. I mean, we're dust. We're atoms. You and I are bound together in ways that we can never comprehend. What happened on that roof is an extreme example, but we depend on each other every day for our mutual survival. And I just . . . listen, I can't take money for that.
- Chris Stevens lecturing Maurice on social co-dependency after saving his life.

current soundtrack: Fugazi (The Argument)

Kathryn about drugs: "That's isn't to say I don't want to . . . I don't like putting anything in my body that would mess with my sense of control." 

Interesting, because that's an aspect of why I drink. I have a thing about self-control and I drink to challenge it to make sure I can maintain it when I really need to. Alcohol tries to remove my ability to control my immediate surroundings, I have to fight to maintain it. The point where I'm losing control by blacking out or failing to get home safe on my bike, is the point when I have to start re-evaluating its use and abuse. 

The reason why I don't use drugs is because there's no struggle involved, you're stripped of your ability to be in control, you don't have a chance. With alcohol, I can go to Beale St. with coworkers on Tuesdays and get sloshed, but the moment I get on my bike, deep breath, focus, get into another mind that isn't affected. If I can't get into that mind, I don't ride. If I lose the good sense to not ride because I'm so sloshed, then I quit. Destroying my liver is the other part of it. 

current soundtrack: Archers of Loaf (Vee Vee)

The first time was the worst time

The second time was worst than the first

The last time was a great crime

On all things great and small

But this time is gonna be the best

It's gonna take the other ones off my chest

 - "Let the Loser Melt"

My drums are scattered around my apartment, trying to be unobtrusive, but . . . when's the last time you saw a stack of drums in a kitchen? If I pull all my stuff out of Fiction's studio, I guess I have the room in my apartment to store everything, but it'll be a pretty tight fit.

No comment on the audition today, except that the Modest Mouse influence was pretty apparent in their material.

And as Shahrzad just posted a mix list, I will so do, too. Here's the Joycee mix song-list:

1. Title Track (Death Cab for Cutie)
   
2. History Lessons (764-HERO)
   
3. Center of the Universe (Built to Spill)
   
4. You'll Be Sorry (Versus)
   
5. Picture of Success (Rilo Kiley)
   
6. Heart Cooks Brain (Modest Mouse)
   
7. Hot Topic (Le Tigre)
   
8. Penelope (Pinback)
   
9. Greatest of All Time (Archers of Loaf)
   
10. Raining (Versus)
    
11. Little Babies (Sleater-Kinney)
    
12. Night on the Sun (Modest Mouse)
    
13. Working for Vacation (Cibo Matto)
    
14. Temporarily Blind (Built to Spill)
    
15. Shangri-La (Versus)
    
16. Never-Ending Math Equation (Modest Mouse)
    
17. The Frug (Rilo Kiley)
    
18. Hell and High Water (Rainer Maria)
    
19. Quarter to Three (Sleater-Kinney)

current soundtrack: Modest Mouse - "Night on the Sun"

I got home and looked for evidence of what the hell happened last night. There was nothing out of the ordinary. Oh well. But then I sat down at my computer and eventually noticed a CD on my desk (it was upside down so I knew it wasn't one I was using as coaster). It was the CD of my own stuff (that I find so excruciatingly bad) that I was listening to last night. You know what? I think that probably has something to do with it. 

Hm. Interesting: 

Why am I allergic to myself?

I get a rash every time I come down and try to be real

Ask me about my drinking problem

That's one way to get a prime example of denial

I smeared myself with 80 proof holy water

I'm a failure of religious guidance, social science

I'm next in line to be discharged and I feel better

On my way home gotta make it look like an accident

(1994)

Hm. There are moments on this CD.

Boss-lady is gone for a week, I have to pace my workload so that it lasts the entire week.

I used to have a recurring dream where I would get into physical fights (I've never been in one outside family in physical life) and I'd be pounding, kicking, and beating the hell out of the other person and it would have no effect. I would wake up and continue the dream in my imagination and finish them off.

current soundtrack: Dakota Floyd - "Hazy"

bad, really bad: a morning in the life of 

I woke up at 5 something this morning and the light was on, very strange. I have no recollection what happened, but it must have been my unconscious that tucked me snug under my covers last night, but left the light on. And took off my glasses, which took me ten minutes to find this morning because I can't see without them. I found them on my bed near my feet – somewhere I never put them for fear of crushing them (I tend to do that). I guess I didn't move around very much in my sleep either. 

I didn't react when my first alarm went off around sunrise, but dragged my ass out of bed when my second alarm went off almost an hour later. I don't think I brushed my teeth last night, so whatever happened last night, it couldn't have been good (but no blood, that's always good). 

This is the first time my memory has gone blank like that. I got out of bed and did my 15 minutes, miraculously, but my mind was completely unsettled and never "landed", and also unusual was that I wasn't cold, which I usually am on cold days and the radio was telling me it was a chilly morning. 

Then I needed to listen to Skunk Anansie, so I put that in my CD player for my commute soundtrack. You know something's fucked up when you need to listen to Skunk Anansie first thing in the morning.

  

I awake

Dry the scream

Spit the vile breath

Till my tongue bleeds

 - "Charlie Big Potato"

This morning was a good morning to get smacked by a bus on my way to work. I'm usually hyper aware of my surroundings when I'm on my bike, but this morning I was just zoning. Fortunately there were no surprises, and my route to work is so much safer than it was from Noe Valley. And again my unconscious might have been jarred to awareness by the Skunk Anansie and kept me safe. It tends to do that. My unconscious is like its own entity, I should name it. 

So now I'm at work, got here early, I'm probably the only person who can black out at night and then get to work early. Boss-lady is gone for the next week on vacation for once. We were encouraging her to proactively relax and not think about work and she said she'll try. And, big news, she signed the papers yesterday. It's official. Boss-lady is now a partner. Maybe things will start smoothing out now. whoa! OK, I just got up and I'm not in good shape. Note to self: don't leave cube until lunch 

Joycee('s team) factoid of the day: We're all wearing hoodies!!!

I just hate explaining myself. I'm really bad at it and I always come across wrong. And my feelings about it? My mind goes into overdrive and it's completely blank.

I've been listening to stuff I wrote and recorded before, and mind you it's pretty excruciatingly bad, but I'm glad I have the stuff recorded because it documents a certain time of my life for me. But I was also listening to the stuff for a frame of reference, what was I doing back then? what was my thought process? creative process? how did I do it back then? what was I feeling and trying to express?

And it's clear to me that the way I wrote back then is not the way to write songs. A line of lyric would come to me, and I would try out chords under it while trying out melodies for the lyric, and at the end of the session I would have a line of lyric, chords under it, and a way to sing the line of lyrics. And I'd be so psyched that I came up with something, that I'd go and do something else to relax. If it takes that long to come up with one line of a song, there's no way it's gonna be any good.