My Final Post

Probably my final post. I'm not trying to be cryptic or cagey. The facts are that I started drafting this post some time ago, undergoing numerous iterations and revisions, and had it always scheduled to publish on a future date. Sometime between the previous post and now – whenever now is now – I stopped being able to get on the internet to push the publishing date further into the future or do so after it went public, which I would if I could. 

Actually, the initial purpose of this post was due to paranoia. For more than the past year and a half my computer would experience breakdown scares, performance and hardware issues, mysterious internet outages, and I think most can relate to that feeling of impotence and uncertainty not knowing when internet would be back up or if one's machine is about to die. I didn't want this blog to end silently (like so many do) just because I lost internet access. At least scheduling a final post in the future would give this blog closure. 

So this post was published according to future schedule because something happened to prevent me from accessing internet. Maybe my laptop died or internet access catastrophically broke. Maybe it was a mundane fatal traffic accident or precipitous health collapse; my body catastrophically broke. I suppose falling into a coma or being taken into custody can't be completely discounted. That'd be quite a story. I wouldn't bet on my being whisked away from my miserable life, mesmerized by some young, rich beauty (preferably female) to live on an internet-less island in the south Pacific. Hope for it maybe, wouldn't bet on it.

Did I finally accomplish bringing chronic suicidal ideation to suicidal fruition and this is how I'm announcing it? Possible. Probably the better bet and who can blame me for doing it that way after decades of all talk and no walk?; crying wolf drowning in its own tears. Doing it this way gave me buffer to stop this post in case I failed again, but if I succeeded . . . well, here we are and presumably able to confirm my untimely demise (it should've happened much, much sooner).

Last will and testament?

- My hope is no one would be seriously bothered by this. After all, when it comes right down to it, my presence on this planet was pretty useless and meaningless in regards to anyone else, and I don't mean that in a negative way. It's just fact. While I was here, it didn't matter to anyone that I was here on a day-to-day basis, so if I'm not here why would it matter to anyone that I'm not here on a day-to-day basis? I'm not blaming anyone and I'll take responsibility for not mattering to anyone. If anyone's bothered, it's just a matter of time; getting over it and going on.

- If family sees this, I want this blog URL along with my name and dates on the family death monument just because I haven't found any evidence it's been done before and it'd be neat. More as a design element with personal meaning, not as something functional which would be silly (I think QR codes on tombstones are actually being used for that purpose). 

- I guess this is where I'm supposed to thank people but I find I'm kinda at a loss. I mean it's not like my life was bereft of gratitude, I regularly felt thankful for breathing, for the sun without which none of this would be here, for fresh running water (albeit not the hot kind during winter), etc., etc.

But thank who and for what? If an enduring connection can be implied in a lifetime's gratitude, the fact is no one was with me in the end, physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. Musically. There's no one in my life so there's no one to receive any thanks I might have to express. Leave it to my life to make even gratitude complicated and convoluted. If gratitude is expressed in a forest and there's no one to hear it, should I leave a tip instead? Sure, throughout my life, in the past, there are plenty of people to thank in specific moments or for being who they were to me at particular times. Immense gratitude remembering them, but that expression is just for me, not them. They'll never know. Or rather they already do know because they were there.

Geez, what more can possibly point to my poor personality and likely unlikability than having no one to outright, unequivocally thank in the end? But that's perfect, that's exactly the way it should be. Regardless of my take on suicide or mitigation or justification of it, who wants to be thanked for a life that ended in suicide?! Thanks, I couldn't have done all this without you, *bang!*. I shouldn't even mention the identifiable current people for whom I have meager, albeit sincere, thanks because I don't know how it would be taken. Would it be an insult? Generate (totally unnecessary) guilt? Theoretically, my greatest thanks would be towards someone who really did understand the suicide and was even willing to drive me to do it (I mean literally, a ride would've made things soo much easier). My gratitude would be so great it would be karmic. But who needs more karma, more attachments? I'm trying to get rid of it. 

My Razzie speech may be lacking in specific gratitude towards anyone, but at least I have a palpable general appreciation for everyone I've encountered and learned from and a better chance at no or little attachments. 

Life assessment?

Well, a life with suicide (or "chronic suicidal ideation" if you want to be all psychiatric about it) at its core is likely going to be limited in its final assessment. Even with the characteristic of continually finding reasons to live on, there was still always the idea of not living past certain points in the future. There's only so much you can do when you live that way. That's the reason for my credo "Don't be something to someone and then disappear" and staying absent from people's lives. The effect goes from that grand, overarching statement down to simple stuff like never signing up for airline mileage plans, I'm sure I've mentioned before. Yes, that was an actual thought when I declined mileage plans; that's the extent it pervaded my decisions. Maybe sorta like that Christopher Nolan film Memento, except instead of not being able to create short-term memories, I can only envision a short-term future, unable to form a long-term one.

Given all that, I think I did alright. As early as high school, after being suicidal was realized but still in a primitive form (existential and philosophical underpinnings in place, but still emotionally volatile and reactionary), my stated goal in life was just to get a little bit of understanding about reality and the nature of life, just a glimpse, a hint. Flatter myself not, I think I've at least accomplished that modest goal. Granted I've lived a lot longer than I thought I would.

Suicide notwithstanding, I can say from the heart of my bottom that I've found life mind-blowingly incredible! And I mean despite all my contradictions, like I can't be disappointed because I lived a life of freedom and opportunity, yet I also lived a life of self-confinement and restrictions; my own prison. But all such decisions were my own . . . influenced by and dependent upon outside factors playing on my many psychological neuroses. 

I can't say I was generally happy without either ignoring the obvious looking at my life or insisting I really don't know what that means, which . . . may or may not be true. I can't say I was unhappy without recognizing permeant joy immediately accessible in so many aspects of my life. Recognizing that happiness doesn't need to be dependent upon external conditions and is an internal, subjective state that can be cultivated also helps.

I can't say I was lonely without admitting I chased everyone away, and I can't say I was not lonely without . . . no wait, I can. I was never lonely. Ever. I was pretty good company, if only to myself. 

I can't say I lived a particularly hard life without acknowledging the many advantages and comforts I enjoyed daily, and I can't say it was an easy life without giving a sarcastic smirk and rolling my eyes. 

I can't say I lived a good life without realizing how little I've done for other people and I can't say I lived a bad life because . . . I simply didn't (so many burritos and pizzas, although not enough lasagna). I just don't see things that way. 

I have no regrets how I lived my life, where should I start enumerating them? 

For me life was incredible because of the internal search and affirmation that the path is real and worthy. Mindfulness practice I described before sounding like some kind of superpower, and in some ways I have to say it may be so! The core practice is sitting meditation and I have to admit the reality that much of that was unfocused mental wandering and distraction. Actually that doesn't matter, that's an aspect of the journey itself and is necessary for the moments where the mind settles and loses itself and there's full focus on the body as just a lump of metabolizing matter containing space and energies and becoming aware of them, and that's the stuff that's really, really interesting. And maybe all I got was a glimpse of it, just skimming the surface, but the thing about it is any little bit is pretty fulfilling and worthwhile. 

I wouldn't trade the Vajrayana-inspired visualizations that occurred to me to try practicing for any sort of worldly travel or clichéd bucket list. Mandala practice suggesting better means of navigating the physical world around me and who I am in it as well as internal emotional landscapes. Dakini practice and awareness transforming sexual energies from the animalistic human to a potent spiritual connectivity, blurring gender separation, visualizing oneself as the other gender and the male-female union as a closed-circuit representation of the true whole electrified oneness of being. And of course the bardo practices of The Tibetan Book of the Dead, preparing for death but very importantly applying to life. It's not that I wouldn't trade those for anything, I probably would trade them for a better guide than myself through those things. Maybe next time.

epilogue?

I'm pretty sure I got this from a dharma talk on YouTube by Ajahn Brahm (who apparently having missed his chance to become a stand-up comic became a sit-down comic):

There was once a simple man, a successful merchant with a store, who was concerned about religious matters but unlike his business acumen he had little spiritual aptitude. When he visited some monks at a monastery, they told him the most basic practice to gain spiritual merit was to take refuge in the three jewels: I take refuge in the Buddha, I take refuge in the dharma, I take refuge in the sangha (the community of practitioners). He was told he must practice this diligently every day so that when he died the three jewels would be the last thing he thought of and that would surely lead to better rebirth. But because of his business even this he found difficult to remember to do every day. 

When he and his wife started having children, he named his first son Buddha to constantly remind himself to take refuge in the Buddha. Then his next son he named Dharma and then a third he named Sangha. When the kids grew up, he kept them close and they joined him running the store which continued to thrive and sustained them well. For the whole of his life he was reminded every day by his sons' names to take refuge in the three jewels. Anything that happened with any of his sons he would remember to take refuge in the Buddha, the dharma and/or the sangha. 

When he was old, one day he suddenly became very sick and was rushed to the hospital. There was nothing the doctors could do and when his children heard he was about to die they rushed to be with him. When the man saw his children he weakly thought, "Buddha . . . Dharma . . . Sangha, I take refuge in the three jewels". Suddenly his eyes widened and he exclaimed, "If you three are here, who's running the store?!" and then he died. 🤣

2020/21 final mix CDs

I made a last minute month decision that since this is presumably my last mix CD of the "mix CD of every year of my life" vanity project, I'm totally justified in including 2021 songs that would've made it onto that unmade future mix. And I mean definitely would have made it. I'm not the quickest listener processing songs when I first hear them. I might like something right away, but it's basically in one ear and out the other and it often takes a handful of listens before a song really starts to sound like something with elements I can remember. But every once in a while a song will stop me in my tracks, grab me by the lapels and demand my attention leaving me slack-eyed and/or wide-jawed at how good it is for whatever reason. The five 2021 songs included on Disc 2 are in that league. 

And I'll admit the decision to change the mixes to include 2021 songs was made rather recently after the Oh My Girl and fromis_9 songs on Disc 2 were released a week apart and made me wonder about including them. And I might also admit the decision was made easier because I had already shoe-horned the 2021 Chungha song into the original finalized track list because I couldn't make it work with only 2020 candidates. That song, released in January, was emotionally stunning and I tried slotting it in just to see how it sounded and I liked it! I ended up suppressing my obsessive-compulsive impulse to include only 2020 songs and tossed two 2020 songs to accommodate it. But then opening up the field for other 2021 songs that met the standard, in addition to the two mentioned above, I found two more and then a bunch of 2020 songs of the "original concept" went out the window. 

There were no live audiences at the music shows for the entirety of 2020 so I avoided linking to those videos because the energy is different. Most are videos with mp3 sound and some supplemental live versions. Unfortunately I've found that mp3 sound is much better than the live sound videos I've been linking for the past 10 years! Maybe I shoulda been linking videos with mp3 sound all along :p 

Disc One: (zip download)

1. I Can't Stop Me (Twice)

2. Feel Good (SECRET CODE) (fromis_9) (live version)

3. Voice (LOOΠΔ) (English version 'Star') (funny tweets described the choreo at the beginning as "train stopping at a station")

4. Oopsy (Weki Meki)

5. Butterfly (WJSN/Cosmic Girls)

6. No Big Deal (Elris) (lyric video)

7. Not Shy (Itzy)

8. Dingga (Mamamoo) (live version)

9. Dumhdurum (Apink)

10. Mago (Gfriend)

11. We Ride (Brave Girls) (unofficial stage mix)

12. On Air (3YE)

13. Oops I'm Sorry (April) (live version)

14. Barbie (Ye-eun (CLC))

15. Eight (feat. Suga (BTS)) (IU)

16. Lazy Day (Tymee) (official audio)

17. Want It (Kisum x Bora (Cherry Bullet)) (audio only)

18. Pporappippam (Sunmi (ex-Wonder Girls))

19. D.B.D.B.DIB (Saturday)

20. yaya (ME TIME) (Yubin (ex-Wonder Girls)) (live version)

21. Push This Button (Baechigi) (official audio)

22. Diver (YooA (Oh My Girl)) (audio only)

23. Fall Again (LOOΠΔ) (official audio)

24. Play (feat. Changmo) (Chungha) (live version)

Disc Two:

1. Why Not? (LOOΠΔ) (full-stage cam)

2. Dun Dun Dance (Oh My Girl) (unofficial stage mix) (full-stage cam) 2021

3. Dumdi Dumdi ((g)I-dle)

4. Hands Up (Cherry Bullet)

5. Lalalilala (April) (stage mix)

6. We Go (fromis_9) (unofficial stage mix) 2021

7. Surf (Itzy) (official audio)

8. Alien (Lee Suhyun (Akdong Musician))

9. Naughty (Irene & Seulgi (Red Velvet))

10. The Paradise (Weki Meki) (audio only)

11. This and That (Yuju (Gfriend)) (audio only)

12. Things Are Going Well (Heize) (lyric video) (short music video)

13. Red Lipstick (Bolbbalgan4)

14. Hmph! (WJSN: Chocome) (live version)

15. Cry For Me (Twice)

16. Money Serenade (Mommy Son) (audio only) (annoyingly censored telecast)

17. Mimi (youra) 2021

18. Teddy Bear (Kim Sejeong (ex-gugudan) (audio only) 2021

19. Apple (Gfriend) (unofficial stage mix)

20. X (No Flowers on the Path I've Taken) (Chungha) 2021

21. Daily (DIA) (lyric video)

22. Up No More (Twice) (official audio) (lyric video)

23. Travel (Mamamoo) (official audio) (lyric video)

2019 mix CDs 

There's a reason I've lived this long according to "chronic suicidal ideation" and I just got a reminder of it, albeit futile at this point. 

It was the most disturbing aspect of it as described in that video, which is that people with chronic suicidal ideation are chronically looking for reasons or excuses to keep living and keep taking them. It was disturbing because it's verifiably true in my case in the most ridiculous ways. 

I remember (if memory serves) back in San Francisco writing a journal entry why I wasn't going to end it all at one point because I had to pick up my photo prints from the Berkeley Extension that I had left at the darkroom to dry and also because Throwing Muses were coming to town and I definitely wanted to see them (they're a top five favorite band of mine). I'm sure I was being sarcastic in writing it down, mocking myself for such petty considerations. Theoretically, really anything could be an excuse.

A couple years back I posted something neurotic and nutty about not sending a birthday email to my older brother and why I wasn't going to send one, which then prompted me to send one at the last minute because I was getting so wrapped up in the concept of the birthday greeting and my reasons to not send one were so neurotic that it would just be dumb not to send one. Good grief.

I think the context was that we're not all that close and I hadn't sent him a birthday greeting in years, I don't quite remember. I didn't expect a reply and that would've been totally acceptable and normal for our relationship, but I also knew he just as well might reply because that would still be natural and just depended on how he felt. And he did send a polite and cordial reply. Last year I think I sent something that he didn't reply to and that was fine; it was year one of the CCP Wuhan pandavirus and as a doctor he was under a lot of stress and pressure. 

This year I forewent any nuttiness and planned on sending a birthday greeting as if it was a normal, routine, long-standing practice and without all that neurotic energy. And he replied that same day. I'm not sure what it was about his reply this time. Maybe I'm reading too much into it, but it seemed unusually . . . attentive? engaged? thoughtful? But I don't want to suggest any of his other communications weren't those things if he feels he was just replying like normal. Often I can describe communications with family members with words like polite, cordial, obligatory or sincere, bare-minimum response. No response. This wasn't any of those and just felt a bit . . . more.

It could be my imagination or rather my chronically suicide-ideating mind that is constantly grasping for reasons to live on that's reading into it wot's not there. Unreasonable pangs of living a little longer and even visiting them as suggested? Check in with the kids and see if they remember me? Visit my aunt in New Jersey who has been warding off lung cancer for a number of years? Like my aunt in Kaohsiung she has always been kind to me and pleasant to visit. 

Back on planet earth the reality dawns that flying abroad probably requires a smartphone. I don't know, as useless as search engines have become (spearheaded by Google), I haven't been able to search if smartphones are required for international travel. The assumption of course is that everyone has a smartphone and search algorithms can't even conceive of that in returning results. 

That's why I haven't made any moves to get vaccinated. When measures were announced in English for virtually everyone to get vaccinated, the part involving a smartphone to schedule it put an end to my vaccination aspiration. Everyone has a smartphone, they don't need to provide alternative means. Yes, I do realize no one can relate to my outrage. Anyway I'll wait until enough people are vaccinated that it's simple enough to show up with ID and get a shot. I'll wait until they're waiting for me.

Ah, but futile. And wow I'm glad I don't have the money to do any of that. Mentally running through habit is one thing. Reality is another. Embracing reality sounds pretty good about now.

rehashing

The most important thing in my life has been mindfulness practice. Not music, which I acknowledge is fleeting, ephemeral and meaningless except in the context of appreciating this physical, material life. Obviously not relations or people, which I take as a personal fault. Not endeavors or enjoyments.

Mindfulness practice is the only thing that has made my life worth living this long without regret (music made it tolerable and enjoyable, so is still up there in importance). It includes morning sitting practice, which should be the basic practice on any Buddhist path and once trained on it by qualified monastics it's hard to do without. For me personally it also includes Vajrayana (Tibetan Buddhist) teachings which among other things deals heavily with death as a part of life, which is something I was ready for. Capping it all off have been Sadhguru videos in the past few months that have given some affirmation that I'm not totally off the rails, barking up the wrong tree, paddling furiously with one oar. Vajrayana came from India, so Tibetan teachings slot in well with the more expansive view of Sadhguru.

It has been worth getting emotions under control, particularly negative ones, using mindfulness training by just noticing them, watching them and not acting on or reacting to them. It's been worth it not being a slave to them and tossed wildly about by them. They still happen and they're still at times troubling or bothersome, but it's great not getting carried away or overwhelmed by them. 

Emotions become something "tangible" and able to be manipulated, not just something that happens because we're human. I understand a lot of people like that, the spontaneity of emotions is what makes them human and makes them feel. What they're essentially saying is they like suffering, or they'll take the suffering with the pleasures, but they just don't want to look at it or say it that way. Fair 'nuff. 

Then Vajrayana-inspired visualizations can take that manipulation a step further and transform negative emotions into something else as soon as they happen. There's a "bounce" that can be trained to happen: once negativity or anger or despair occur you can recognize it, identify it and bounce it into something positive like realization or wisdom or a mandala or the exact opposite emotion. And it's not fake. Like the negative emotion was real? It's the same raw emotion, that's still there, but seen in a different or wider perspective. Maybe that's why Tibetan lamas are so easy to laugh even at something that seems so dire to the rest of us. 

It probably wouldn't be inaccurate to say mindfulness training and practice was the meaning of the whole journey. As karma I'm very happy to have it potentially as a tool that carries over into future lives. There's certainly a lot of other stuff that still will carry over as karma since I don't know if I've worked through them well enough, including neurotic nuttiness and general attachments, but there's always the possibility and hope to be able to continue working on them in whatever way because the seeds of mindfulness practice are also there. 

musing

I loosened my restrictions on drinking for a few days since I'm nearing the purported "end" anyway, but then decided that was a bad idea. Even hints of feeling like crap I'd rather do without, even approaching "the end" (of the money). By "loosening restrictions" that just meant allowing for bigger sips out of the shot glass, as much as half the shot at a time, but that did lead to filling the shot glass more often and slippage down the slippery slope. 

I remember when drinking alcohol was enjoyable. Beers with friends is a fond memory even if I don't have memories of any specific friends anymore. It just must have happened and the idea that it must have happened is a fond memory. The Beale St. NTN trivia crowd in San Francisco is the closest I get to remembering specific people. Friends invited you to come over and the standard operating procedure was for invitees to bring beer or wine of choice. Band rehearsals always enjoyably involved beer. Even alone beer was enjoyable, turning on music equipment with a Giants or A's game in the background on the TV. 

I don't remember exactly when drinking stopped being enjoyable. I wonder if there's any sort of consensus among heavy drinkers and alcoholics that drinking is no longer enjoyable. Are there drunks who still enjoy it? Probably. Happy drunks maybe. I can't say I enjoy it but I still do it, but not so much that it feels like crap. Once I start it's hard to stop, but it's important to know when to draw the line and hard stop. Ah, there's your mindfulness alcoholism. Or maybe it's the drinking knowing I'll have to stop that's unenjoyable. Going down the slippery slope is enjoyable, the consequences are not. I'm trying to figure out what my mind is doing with alcohol.

It kinda sucks being able to drink liquor like water. The uninitiated often have a visible, physical facial or bodily reaction to liquor – a good, healthy response to a toxin. When I took bigger sips of liquor it felt nice and easy and even downing the whole shot or even more from a glass would've been . . . I'm tempted to try it just to find the right word, but I won't. The feeling like crap thing, the havoc it wreaks on internal organs and functions. 

All through this blog I've gone back and forth whether I'm alcoholic or not. Actually it's more that I am but whenever I write about it I'm arguing that I'm not. I guess somewhat telling is that approaching "the end" it didn't occur to me to just try stopping. 

I've been mulling over the "chronic suicidal ideation" revelation since hearing about it for the first time this past February. It blew my mind that it was even a thing. It blew my mind how perfectly and accurately it seemed to describe this most basic thing about me. It was mind-blowing going back anywhere in this blog and seeing evidence of it all over the place like a poorly covered-up crime scene. 

On the other hand I'm also wary. In processing it like a psychiatric diagnosis retroactively into what I've been writing all along, am I just seeing what I'm looking for? Is it valid if I hadn't identified it before, nor had any of my reads or anyone else I've spoken to over the years? Is it a mental crutch I'm using now for affirmation or to "feel better" about it or whatever reason? Or is it not even for me at all, but whoever else might happen upon this blog? As a recently encountered topic (coincidence?!), it's not gonna make it off the front page so the topic should be quickly visible as an important idea or theme. Well, thanks to this post.

The more I've thought about it, the problem is "chronic suicidal ideation" is only one description of reality, and in one certain version of reality it certainly is an accurate and appealing description of my life. But that's not really the reality this blog intended to describe. I had never heard of the term and if this blog were written with a self-conscious awareness of it, it may have been written quite differently. This blog even started as a self-described "mental health" blog, and if I knew "chronic suicidal ideation" was a thing in psychiatry I may have stuck to viewing my thoughts and experiences through that filter instead of organically as they happened.

As it happened, I think this more or less stopped being a mental health blog when I found mindfulness practice either nullifies or at least superficially checks mental health issues in the long term. I stopped seeing them as issues or afflictions and more as crutches or excuses that could be dismissed and allowed to leave. Common mental health issues went away, suicide didn't; possibly suggesting it never was a mental health issue. It took that form because of external circumstances and my internal reactions – it was the only way available to describe or understand it – but it was already there in a primordial form that predated teenage angst. I served it well carrying it with me in that form out of habit for many years but then it didn't survive mindful scrutiny, it lost that "protection". 

I might describe this blog as having become more about a flawed or problematic internal spiritual struggle which integrated suicide as an existential or valid philosophical inquiry. Being flawed or problematic doesn't necessarily mean there are faults or problems, that's just the nature of my path to learn from. That said, there most likely probably are faults and problems, but what can you do?

The "chronic suicidal ideation" descriptive is important, but it's not that important to me. It's important as far as the psychology goes, and even with mindfulness practice the mechanisms of psychology are ever-present and confounding, if not disturbing. It's important in filtering everything I've written, but it was only an aspect of who I was and not necessarily the most important. If I were to put emphasis on it, I feel like I'd be trying to shirk personal responsibility, that the reason for committing suicide was something other than my own doing; I had a mental illness and wouldn't have done it otherwise or if I had it treated. 

I don't know if it was fate or destiny or karma or none of the above, but there was a perpetual drive towards suicide that I can't quite understand or explain and it would be futile to try. I've tried. It was futile. I lived my life like everyone else made up of a combination of the things I've done and decisions I've made along with how I responded to how the world around me reacted and presented itself and unfolded. Causes and conditions that led to a result. It wasn't something completely out of my control like an illness. There was probably a high likelihood that I would eventually do it because of decisions I willfully made and not because I was messed up or depressed or despondent or without hope. Quite the opposite. And it wasn't easy, either, mind you. 

NETEN

I need to be focusing on winding things down and bringing things to an end. I need to face up to what I have to do and just do it. Instead, I'm watching Chris Nolan's Tenet on HBO. I had heard about it being confusing and near-incomprehensible and that's one of the reasons I didn't see it in theaters. The main reason is simply that I don't see movies in theaters anymore, but I was considering it as an exception since Chris Nolan films are meant to be experienced and not just watched, that's why he shoots in IMAX. But why disrupt my dearly-held daily routine and pry myself from my hermit-like existence to experience a movie that I'm not going to understand and will require multiple viewings, yo'm sayin'? 

So when I saw it on the HBO schedule (old habit, I really don't watch movies at all anymore) I decided to watch the movie initially without trying to understand or make sense of it, just get the scenes into my eyes. I may have even drifted off once or twice, didn't matter, and I had the TV volume too low – it wasn't my imagination as I later learned the poor sound design of the movie is a recurring complaint. Then before it aired again I binge-watched as many explanatory, expository videos on YouTube as possible to get as good an understanding what was going on for when I watched it again. I don't think it's possible to spoil this movie. If a video didn't say *spoiler alert*, I wouldn't have watched it. 

You wouldn't believe how many videos have been made about Tenet. Binge-watch I did and probably watched only about half of what got recommended to me on YouTube. They could be a subgenre of their own. They cover all sorts of things like the timeline, time inversion, the front/backstory plot, who's who as well as who might be who and who's who in what scene and where and who knows what when, etc. They run scenes backwards, forwards and backwards again because like Steven Tyler you don't want to miss a thing, they stitch scenes together chronologically or from character-specific perspectives or from parallel but different time viewpoints. They use graphics, snake diagrams, line drawings, animated 3D renderings, Feynman diagrams, bell curves, sign language, semaphore and finger puppets (OK, calm down, get a grip). I think I spent more time watching Tenet YouTube videos than the running time of the movie. All useful, mind you. Insane, confounding, incomprehensible, but strangely useful and brilliant.

I know, I know, latching onto a movie and exhibiting quasi-obsessed behavior like this is stupid when I'm supposed to be winding things down and bringing them to an end. It's not conducive to lessening ego-attachment and finalizing any realizations about the nature of reality. Maybe it's a vain distraction from all that. Maybe it's something to occupy time during de facto lockdown (which has been extended to mid-July despite daily cases falling under 100 for several days; better safe than sorry and to keep our guard up). Maybe it's a last hoorah reminding me of when I did watch movies quite a lot and held value in them. Silly me thinking I had something to say about movies when kids these days are making videos about them that are far more astute and sophisticated. Even John of the cancer blog wrote an entry towards the end about his love for film and created a video montage of his favorite films. I didn't even know he had the technical facility to make that; I sure don't (although his paltry montage can't compare to the geek-supreme monstrosity that is the collection of my mix-CDs-of-every-year-of-my-life vanity project). 

Film for me is one of modern civilization's greatest accomplishments in terms of art and expression. How it encapsulates life and all the many and diverse facets of meaning, subtle and obvious. I'm pretty out of touch with popular movies today and with exceptions generally don't think I'd think very highly of them. I know there is art being created by people who actually have something to say or a vision to express, but those don't reach me. 

Christopher Nolan I imagine will enter the pantheon of greatest directors. Tenet? It's definitely art, high-concept art. There are a lot of people calling it a masterpiece and it may be so, but I wouldn't be so quick to bestow that rank on a film that requires multiple viewings to understand, if not hours of explanatory YouTube videos. There's a difference between a film that invites multiple viewings because it's so good and a film that requires multiple viewings to even understand. On the other hand if it's a film that so many people are willing to view multiple times just to understand it, the director is doing something compelling at the least. That I think Tenet is. Still, by no means is it in any way near perfect. There are elements in the concept that are a stretch to work or make sense and that's unsatisfying. For people willing to watch it multiple times to get it, I think one group of viewers will grow to appreciate and love it more and more while another group might still like it, but find perceived faults becoming amplified. I won't venture to guess which category I fall in.

Yesterday was the first day in weeks that the daily number of infections by the Wuhan Communist China Covid-19 virus fell below 200 (175 cases reported). The infection rate had been fluctuating between 200-400 cases per day, neither increasing out of control nor definitively declining. While the reasons can't be stated with certainty, it might optimistically be a combination of Level 3 restrictions plus seemingly the vast majority of people voluntarily treating it as a lockdown. It would mean we can get a handle on this. 

Imagine if by hunkering down we can get the infection spread completely contained within a month or two. That would certainly be a statement to the international community what Taiwan is capable of. Personally I definitely do not have two months worth of funds left to see the outcome. 

It's been mildly inconvenient for me with only slight changes in my routine, no big deal. The increased time staying home hasn't translated to an increase in alcohol intake as far as I can tell *hic*. The restrictions are tolerable but they also annoyingly effect how and what I eat. I have a love-hate relationship with western fast food (clown, king and colonel all represented in my neighborhood). It's disgusting but as an expat I'll take most excuses to spring for it. And I'm under no delusion that when ordering a McDonald's salad, the emphasis is on "McDonald's", not "salad". "McDonald's" still does not mean "healthy", just that "salad" means "roughage". Tasty, not-really-healthy roughage.

The arrival of plum rains in all their daily afternoon squall glory also contributed to my restricted movements as I stay closer to home when it's raining. The rains also brought down temperatures proving I was right about summer arriving early in May with unseasonable heat. They made it reasonably comfortable for a bit as June should or could be, but now more heat is expected and A/C use already allowable. The plum rains also brought relief to southland reservoirs and the two-days-per-week-of-no-water rationing has been lifted, thank goodness for them. I don't know how I would have dealt with my water turned off two days per week. Not pretty.

I've been watching Sadhguru videos regularly since I discovered them in February, almost daily along with cat videos. He still hasn't said anything that has put me off and has said much more that I quite like. I avoid videos with titles that seem to have no meaning or relevance like what to name a child or about wearing black clothes. It's very possible the content contains just as much wisdom as other videos, but I'm a little scared, I suppose, that I'll come across him saying something truly brow-furrowing that I couldn't accept. 

I've already come across him telling jokes that weren't that funny which puts doubt on his spiritual advancedness. Granted he's a mystic, not a rabbi or a comedian (although I think maybe an inordinate amount of spiritual teachers are closet aspiring stand-ups). He's told funny jokes I've heard before. And one funny one I hadn't heard before about an actor doing Shakespeare. The punchline was: What do you expect from material this terrible?! That's a good punchline, the joke almost writes itself!

Not to toot my own horn, and although thinking or filtering things this way may be detrimental, I hear him mentioning things that resonate with things I've come up before on my own and I can't help but feel the teeniest, tiniest bit of affirmation. In no way do I think I'm advanced nor that I don't need a guru.

For instance a video that reminds me of my joy-generating meditations/exercises. Ironically the video is about "being joyful", but what resonated was when he takes a strange left turn and he's talking about "love". What he talks about doing with love is basically my joy-generating meditation, words substituted. Joy/Love that is the result of external circumstances is fleeting and will pass, but if joy can be generated within oneself just through concentration and realization that it's there and that it's always there, and not relying on external factors, that's not something anything or anyone can take away. I guess it works with love if that's the focus. I've interpreted Tibetan monks doing the same thing with compassion.

He also touches upon a musing I've blogged about regarding how much energy it takes to be social and an active participant in this world. It's exhausting compared to the relatively small amount of energy I expend just living a flawed, urban-hermit like existence. People don't notice how much energy it takes because it's just normal and even desirable for most people. You wouldn't notice it until you start withdrawing from society but then get thrust back into it by merely meeting up with an old acquaintance. But most wouldn't even like the withdrawing part that calms energies because of psychological hang-ups of being lonely or getting restless.

I've also mentioned long-term mindfulness practice as being effective in dealing  with mental health issues to varying degrees depending upon the individual. I have to be modest about it and can't speak for anyone else. For me, I found that when old mental health issues would arise, mindfulness practice would intervene like a gatekeeper. The mental health issue would announce itself like it had all the right in the world to be here, but then mindfulness practice would begin its withering interrogation of how's and why's and for what purpose? and what do you hope to accomplish? Eventually the mental health issue would reveal itself as a crutch that I wanted and had summoned, but was a failing in its unproductive, self-destructive nature and was unnecessary from a logical point of view (Suicide conveniently withstands the inquiry. Mindfulness practice arrives with its articles of inquisition and suicide begins presenting its case with "exhibit A:" and gestures palms extended at my entire life, and ends with "he's gonna die anyway". Mindfulness practice forgets about the droids and lets the boy go about his business). 

One concept he mentions that was completely new to me is that human beings are born with a certain amount of energy that must be exhausted before being able to "die well". That's why it's better not to die prematurely like in an accident or by suicide; one's natural energy hasn't dissipated. This is not a concept I've recognized in the so-called Tibetan Book of the Dead or in any of my Vajrayana readings (I may not have the spiritual aptitude to recognize it). Dying well with energies properly exhausted helps lead quickly to a good, natural rebirth. Dying with energy remaining requires that energy to still be dissipated before being reborn, which could take years or decades (or longer) in human time. 

I don't know what basis there is to believe in that, but . . . same goes with the Tibetan teachings. If you're not on board with Tibetan Buddhism there's no reason to believe in any of it, but I've already tentatively gotten on board with Sadhguru, so I can afford him some benefits of doubt. His mention of "better not die by suicide" is OK with me because it's in the same context as "better not die in a tragic accident". Like you can prevent that?! These aren't judgments, just assessments of dying without natural life energies being depleted. 

I suspect whatever he has to say about suicide would be in general discouraging, presumably regarding typical suicides and fair assumptions about them, and would not necessarily apply to me. What teachers say about suicide and how is often a litmus test for me and nothing he's said about suicide has been offensive or insulting. I still get a sense he knows what he's talking about even with blanket statements or assumptions. 

It very well may be that all my years of chronic suicidal ideation by nature have been dissipating my reserve of life energy. If you keep death that mindfully close to you, perhaps the energies are drained that much quicker than if you expend them doing worldly things, not at all aware of them. It may have been by instinct that I've failed in the past because they hadn't been drained sufficiently enough (I know I'm giving my instincts a lot of uncalled for credit here, emphasis on the 'may have been'). It may be that if Sadhguru were my teacher, he'd give me a sadhana to work on that suicide is forbidden and not an option. That I would have to take seriously. And maybe why he's not my teacher in this lifetime.

My Sadhguru playlist (videos that had particular resonance for me).

Taiwan is finally getting a taste of the mess much of the rest of the world has been enduring for the past more than a year. When the international press would say that life was more or less normal in Taiwan, they weren't exaggerating. We got off good until now. I mean, to put it in perspective, our numbers are still way lower than some U.S. states are still reporting, but for them the improvement is such that it's probably just such a relief it's getting better and not getting worse. Taiwan is facing disaster (or just joining the party late and forgot to bring a six-pack of vaccine). 

The international press has pointed to complacency as part of the reason for the current outbreak. It took several days for that to sink in, but I don't think that's an inaccurate assessment. In fact I would go one step further and suggest the government may have seriously fucked up and wasn't lucky this time in dodging the bullet. 

We actually had a direct warning a few months ago when there was a cluster outbreak centered around airline employees. All contacts in that case were traced and it was successfully contained. An EVA pilot was fired and the airline heavily fined, but a huge loophole was exposed and I don't know if the government did enough to close it. They should have required all airline personnel to undergo pretty much the standard quarantine procedures if they planned to enter the general populace. 

I haven't been following the news as diligently as before (perhaps a reflection of personal complacency mirroring government complacency), but I think this outbreak started at the airport hotel and infected airline employees were responsible for the flashpoint of the outbreak in Taipei's Wanhua district, famous for "tea houses" (not exactly red light, but not the most reputable adult "entertainment"). I think another government failing is that when it was clear Wanhua was a major hotspot, they didn't lock it down or restrict travel in and out and still haven't, even though it's probably too late now despite most of Taipei's daily cases coming from there. 

I don't know. Before I thought I was pretty in-tune with what was going on, but I haven't heard any discord regarding the government's failure in these regards. I could be flat-out wrong, or as the people get angrier as conditions get worse the government may face a reckoning that will impact politics. 

I also don't know how flat-footed Taiwan was caught regarding obtaining vaccine, pants around our ankles with China already ready to say "bend over" (wouldn't trust their vaccine anyway and I'm pretty sure that's not a needle they want to prick us with). If government complacency mirrors my personal complacency, a few months ago my brother asked about Taiwan's state of vaccine and my reply was somewhat nonchalant, that we didn't have any but the government was taking steps to eventually procure some in case we need it. Hindsight 20-20, Taiwan should've aggressively tried to procure some of the sauce and either have it ready (don't know what its shelf-life is) or start voluntary vaccinations at the very least to test how Taiwanese felt about it. Or at least jab those horny bastards in the airline industry.

The amount and degree of miserableness continues to compound, and it's not even just personal anymore as the CCP pandemic is finally starting to get out of hand in Taiwan and stifling summer heat has arrived early. This is compound misery. 

It's been a long time since I've heard anyone call it anything aside from "Covid-19" since I no longer watch those China-watch YouTube channels (because they turned out to be unabashed pro-Trump conspiracy theorists during the election) which regularly called it the "CCP virus", placing descriptive attribution most accurately where it belonged. Even Taiwan media sometimes calls it "Covid-19" aside from the usual "Wuhan virus" or "coronavirus". That's how thorough Chinese Communist Party brainwashing and propaganda is with the collusion of the WHO. Don't kid yourself, if you call it "Covid-19", you're doing it because of the Chinese government whether that bothers you or not and there's nothing you can do about it. All the variants are named after source locations, i.e., India, South Africa, Brazil, UK variants, but where did the whole thing start? Of course . . . Covid, Estonia (*insert Chinese news source*). 

In a textbook example of "well that escalated quickly", northern Taiwan went straight to Level 3 (out of 4, which is lockdown) in a matter of days late last week. Masks must be worn at all times in public, limits on gatherings, recreation and nightlife shut down, and name and telephone information must be submitted wherever you go in case contact tracing becomes necessary. 

That last one is the point of anxiety for me, ergo misery, since I don't have a phone. I've been using my invalid old phone number just to get by, but that defeats the purpose and eats at my willingness to do my part. My account-less iPhone that my aunt gave me does receive emergency government texts and has a number associated with it, but it doesn't look like a Taiwanese number and I don't know if it can receive calls or texts sent to it. I once wrote down my email address, but even though that is the only way to contact me if my locations are traced, it also may draw unwanted attention and suspicion that might uncover the fact that I don't have a smartphone, which I've mentioned before ordinary people find incomprehensible to the point of being criminal or indicative of insanity. 

Of course, no one in my family has reached out asking how I'm getting by without a phone. I'd have to come to mind first before they reached out. That's all fine, I've given them no reason to come to mind and I'm neither their business nor responsibility and I have no expectations of them either. If they heard the news from northern Taiwan and thought of me, I'd be touched and grateful but contacting me would be unwarranted and likely awkward and uncomfortable and bottom line it's not like they could do anything anyway. 

And it's not like they don't have problems and anxieties of their own. Southern Taiwan is experiencing a crushing drought with water in their reservoirs beyond disturbingly, desperately low. I don't think Kaohsiung quite yet, but other places down south are already having their water turned off two days per week since April. They ironically need a typhoon direct hit which would fill their reservoirs (last year was the first year in about 56 years where Taiwan was not hit by a single typhoon). They need a potential disaster to prevent an impending disaster.

In a contrast in misery, the early arrival of summer heat is more of an ambient misery. Merely existing sucks once out of the constant air stream of a fan. I even turned on the A/C last week way earlier than usual, albeit only long enough to see if it still works and to take the edge off the heat in that moment when it got unbearable. After the no hot water and broken space heater debacle this past winter, I fully expected the A/C to not work and I still expect my fan to break at any moment. 

So many things compound to add to the list affirming "I don't want to be here anymore", but that's a list long in compilation and I'm still here so it can't mean much of anything until it does. But also long in development is that the misery isn't anything negative anymore. There may be an emotional component to it, but it's not dominant. Take away the emotional component and all that's left is the description or the fact of the misery. I'm not sure that makes sense or how it even really works. 

Mindfulness practice triggers a stop, breathe, and investigate the emotion and the rationality behind the negativity caused by misery. There is no rationality for negativity when the whole spectrum of life experiences are taken as having value, which I think might be a Vajrayana approach. It can suck but I don't have to be all negative about it. I do find myself stopping and breathing and investigating emotions quite a lot these days.

WordsCharactersReading time

WordsCharactersReading time

After what I said about not doing email communication with my parents, I'm actually copying and pasting (unedited) an email my mother sent recently that I didn't delete right away as I usual do:

How are you ?Last night I dream about you.You were planning to go out,I asked you that you need money but you didn’t answer, I started to search at master bedroom, I couldn’t find any money for you,Then I thought I could call Dad to help,but when I picked up the phone I found Dad already died in the mean time I waked up. I will send the check to you soon.Stay safe and healthy and happy.

She sent something worth mentioning? 

Well, no, not quite. More as a demonstration of how my mind works, my first thought was she had a premonition of my suicide, lol! The "planning to go out" and "didn't answer" is the symbolism for my leaving this life. Do I really think this is prescience or premonition? No. There are no mystical energy waves she's picking up about what's going on over here (trab pu kcip, trab pu kcip, yenom erom dnes, nemow sdeen sram, sorry my Malay incantations are really rusty). There is no deep mother-child connection giving her insight into something "only a mother would know". To suggest she suddenly is in tune or developed an intuitive *fifth sense* that she's never had before is just pretty funny if not ridiculous. 

So how is she interpreting the dream that she feels the unusual need to tell me about it and send money? I have no idea and can only speculate. It could be pretty mundane. It could be subconscious passive-aggression remnant from the past, not as virulent as it used to be but still part of her habit energies (probably not totally benign, but not at all malicious this late in the game and age). I'm pretty sure there's not a glimmer of thought in her mind that suicide is anywhere in my reality. 

Her automatic reaction to send money would be funny if it weren't just tiresome, and could also suggest possible habitual machinations that are old news and not worth delving into. Or not, I have no idea. I still have a bunch of undated checks from long ago that I decided not to act upon, and she sent something at the turn of the year, presumably a check, that she tried to guilt me for ingratitude because I hadn't acknowledged receiving it and thanking her for it. The truth was she sent it without telling me, and she doesn't know that no one here expects to receive anything through the post so the mailbox is perpetually filled with junkmail that gets cleared out maybe once a month. After I confirmed receiving it and thanked her, I tucked it aside without even opening it. 

So now because of that dream or whatever subconsciously-triggered reason, she's sending more checks and I'll be sure to look out for them this time and acknowledge receipt and thank her; I wasn't committing to suicide in the next week anyway. Anyway at this point, if I went to the bank now to try to execute the overseas transfer of money through a check, it wouldn't go through before my current funds run out, so these checks are monetarily worthless (although I do actually appreciate the gesture). 

If my parents had wanted to be monetarily worth something, they shouldn't have taken back that huge amount they deposited into my bank account many years ago. That's an old story, but a long time ago they sold their stock in my grandfather's bus company or something and had my aunt put the money into my bank account, presumably to avoid taxes. They put it in my account so I simply considered it a huge windfall, but I didn't go crazy and start living a life of luxury or indulge in that Lambo I've always coveted (OK, maybe it wasn't that much money but I didn't even buy a new bike). 

If they had left it there, it was an amount that would have sustained me way beyond their lifetimes, nevermind mine. But it just wasn't in their habitual capitalist character to have a chunk of money laying around somewhere and not have it working for them in some way. It took several years during which I lived off of it, but they eventually took it back, as was their completely fair right to do so, to buy some building of rare family sentimental value in Kaohsiung. I've never known my parents to be sentimental about anything, not even their own lives or history. At the time they talked about what the building was and what it meant to them more extensively than they needed to, as if they were justifying to me why they were taking their money back. They didn't need to justify anything, it was their money! 

I didn't feel anything against them when they took it back and cooperated fully once they made it clear they were removing the money from my account. However, I think it was at that point that I started calculating how much time I had left based on what was left in my bank account (US$1000/NT$30,000 = 1 month). I haven't heard anything about that building since, and the "time I had left" since then has only been extended by their contributions that required me going to the bank and transferring money from the States. I stopped doing that when it became too frustrating and humiliating even for me.

Maybe I'm the one sounding passive-aggressive here, maybe so, but these are also simply my facts as I know them. To the extent I'm being passive-aggressive is just supposed to be ironic and/or sarcastic.

But wow, if they had left the money (or any significant amount) in my account, what a nightmare or personal disaster it would be for me now (no sarcasm here). Well, it's possible I'd just continue cruising along as long as there was money and I wouldn't think of it as a disaster. I would just deal with the total pathetic mess my life appears to be looking around me, falling apart or deteriorating in multiple facets, misery symbolized perhaps by no hot water during the winter and the broken toe (which still hurts three weeks later but is much better, I can even savor this level of pain, thanks for asking). Looking at my life situation that way, running out of money has an aspect of great relief.

As I've opined before, money may karmically not be a consideration in this current lifetime; maybe in the past, maybe in the future but not now. So it's either ironic or poetic that money is the ultimate trigger to bring chronic suicidal ideation to fruition. Well, if it happens. 

Not to put too fine a point on it, I actually still have over US$6,000 cash in hand but it's too old to convert. The cash is inconvertible. It is incontrovertible that the cash is inconvertible! The bills are so old – lacking all the fancy holographic watermarks and colored fibers that make them hard to counterfeit – that banks here won't accept them. Their machines can't count them. They need to go back to where they came from to a bank in the U.S. to be exchanged for new, modern bills. I'll leave a note on the stash to that effect and however whoever wants to handle what happens is otherwise out of my hands. None of my business.

The six grand is useless to me, but that's OK since it's also meaningless. Six grand would've just been more buffer that I neither need nor want. I appreciate that six grand may be a considerable amount for someone just getting by and wants to live, but my history suggests I would not use it nobly nor to the benefit of anyone else, but rather just exhaust it like I have all my funds before it just to live a few months longer only to arrive where I am now. None of my business. 

WordsCharactersReading time

I sometimes pencil in alterations to books I read when I come across something not to my liking. I came across this story in a Buddhist book that I had previously made an alteration to because I didn't like how it ended: 

Saraha was in retreat with his wife, a young woman of awakened insight. At one point, he asked her to make a radish curry. While she was preparing it, he went into an extended samadhi. The radish curry went bad, and his wife threw it out and waited. Saraha remained in samadhi for twelve years. When he finally emerged, he asked his wife, "Where is my radish curry?" She replied, "For twelve years you did not rise from your samadhi. Where did you think it would be? The spring has long since passed, and radishes are no longer in season." 

Saraha retorted, "Fine! Then I will go into the mountains to meditate!" His wife countered, "Mere isolation of the body is not true solitude. Removing oneself from mental concepts and judgments is the highest solitude that one can attain. Although you dwelled in samadhi for twelve years, you have obviously not been able to separate yourself from the mental concept and judgment of 'radish curry.' Since that is the case, what possible benefit could there possibly be in going into the mountains?" 

Upon receiving this instruction from his wife, we are told, Saraha abandoned concepts and judgments and put into practice the primordial nature. In so doing, he attained the supreme siddhi of mahamudra and was able to make himself the most useful to sentient beings delicious radish curry. 

I tell myself these are ancient stories, lore of great value and teaching and I can't just go change them for my own liking. But as humble I try to lower myself, I like my ending better. on multiple levels.

WordsCharactersReading time

WordsCharactersReading time

middle-age chronicles

Whodda thunk that a simple trip and fall could cause so much pain? It's no surprise that the end of youth brings a loss of resilience and longer recovery times post-workout/physical activity. When you're young, you take a dive and hit the deck and your chums lose their shit and laugh at you and post the video on YouTube, but you get up and dust yourself off. If you see middle-aged people or god forbid elderly go over, there may be a better chance there's significant pain involved. I think maybe the older you get, loss of equilibrium becomes more dire for whatever reason.

Well, I guess it depends on the situation. Before this instance, it wasn't that long ago that I went over like a lead dirigible out in public for no reason and it's true I was in serious pain, but mostly to my pride. I got up quick and dusted my embarrassment off, was thankful no Google Maps car was passing by and continued on my way pretending nothing happened. 

This time I fell walking UP the stairs to my apartment so gravity was even in my favor. I didn't fall as far as that time in public. It was just a stumble that slow motion would reveal how it progressively got worse in microseconds. Multiple impact points, the most obvious and immediate was my right knee that I thought took the brunt of it. My left foot jammed against a step, both palms hit the landing trying to break the fall with my backpack getting tossed over my shoulder. The top side of my left ankle was the only place where a little bit of blood was drawn so that hit something, too. 

But the PAIN. When the fall was over after a second or so, I was shocked, stunned by the full-body pain and had to pause because I couldn't move because of it washing over in waves (mind you, I still had the presence of mind/YouTube awareness to look up and around the stairwell to confirm there was no camera in sight). Not wanting to be seen like this if a neighbor happened to be leaving or coming home just then, I pried myself up and proceeded limping to my room and tended to the knee which looked like there was a major contusion but just turned out to be some dirt and took an Advil for the pain. In short order I determined the fall was nothing and dwelling any more upon it would be symptomatic of chronic hypochondria.

The next part I don't understand. Two full days later (of normal activity) the pain in my left big toe which had jammed against the step in the fall bloömed. The pain and the swelling probably indicating a fracture. If it is a fracture, why would it take two days for the effect to manifest? Psychological? The pain is incredible (befitting a fracture), but why didn't it hurt like this right away? 

I took Advil, first one pill and then two, but the pain didn't go away and if it wasn't going to work I decided to not waste it and not take anymore. Then the next day without Advil the pain was ridiculous, just moving my foot or changing position was excruciating. I tried the Advil again and found that it was working just fine, it's just that the pain was so intense that ibuprofen could only dial it down, not eradicate it. It still hurt, I was still limping on it, but at least I could manage moving around. That was a huge relief. 

With the big toe swollen like a mini sausage, I couldn't wear sneakers for a few days. The first time I tried, I took one step and immediately switched to Birkenstocks. No brainer. Fortunately Taiwan isn't as fashion-forward as the U.S. and there's no career/social life-ending taboo against wearing socks with sandals. Even if I weren't already wearing socks when I switched footwear, I'd rather not have Birkenstock shaped tan lines on my feet. If my fellow Americans are fine with those tan lines, well that's an idiotic look, too, btw. Me, I don't care what anyone thinks about the way I look wearing sandals with socks, but Birkenstock tan lines I'm the one who has to look at and one annoying summer to autumn to winter until they finally faded was enough.

I gotta admit it's annoying and frustrating having to deal with this physical pain at a time when I would prefer to just cruise unperturbed towards the purported end of this life path. It's more annoying than the two incidences of knee pain in the past few months because I don't know what caused that, whereas this was my own unmindful, clumsy undoing. But actually it's a good reminder of how fragile this physical body is and that it's pretty much downhill from here. Actually this is a great reminder of the nature of the body and I should be treating it as part of my path. 

In fact, there have been several things popping up in my daily life recently that I would do well to consider challenges on my path. Not on my path, but as my path. I should consider these as final tests of learning the universe is throwing at me, and taking that view I'm not doing so great; could really be doing better. Maybe not tests because then I'd be failing. More like reviews of what I should have learned and mastered and should continue to try and drive home.

Like little money things. The irony is so rich that I'm finally running out of money and all of a sudden (really!) I'm losing little bits of money right and left on random, trivial things. It's not about amounts (negligible), and the specifics are so random and petty as to be absurd and even embarrassing to mention. But the fact that they're happening and I'm noticing and getting a little bit wtf? annoyed instead of laughing at the big joke means I should probably be paying more attention to something! Come to think of it, the amounts are mostly in the range of what I should be willing to give to panhandlers. And there aren't many panhandlers in Taipei, but I came across one about a month ago and thought about it but ultimately failed to lighten myself of coinage. I don't know if that's it, but why not? That's the path for you.

Other things I've noticed popping up for improvement include being unpleasant or feeling like I'm being unpleasant to random people (lack of compassion); having at least one moment every day that puts me in a bad mood (bad attitude); not being able to smile just because I'm here and breathing without feeling sarcastic. It keeps turning into a smirk or a sneer whenever I try (negativity). If the aim is to be joyful at the end, it's much more convincing if I can learn to be joyful leading up to the end.

looming

I exchanged the last of my U.S. cash for NT dollars late last month, so I'm officially looking at the end of funds, i.e., the supposed end of my life. I suppose I should put a disclaimer here (or trigger warning? spoiler alert?) that this all is only a reflection of current thoughts and not necessarily a projection of future action. My primary truism regarding suicide still applies that if I'm not doing something right now, it's fair considered I'm not doing anything at all. And I'm not doing anything right now, I'm blogging.

I have about three month's worth of funds left with no more "buffer" (that was the last of the U.S. cash) and no intention or desire to do anything about it. I know I've blogged this many times before, projecting how long I have left in terms of funds running out, and all of those times funds have come through, all those times I still had that buffer of U.S. cash. I don't know what I was thinking when I wrote about it before, was I being dramatic? Crying wolf? Maybe I was testing myself, practicing what it might feel like to face the end of funds? 

That last one sounds like something my subconscious would do, and if that's the case I think the practice paid off. All those times before I don't think I did so well. I'd feel anxious and desperate despite how disparate that was to my philosophy; basically getting caught up in the emotions of particular circumstances – exactly what mindfulness practice trains not to do. Now, this time, it's supposedly fer reals, it's serial; no buffer, no reserve, no reprieve, no miracles, no savior, no windfall, no stuffed mattress, no cartoon safe filled with NT cash falling through my ceiling. The cash will be gone in a few months, and when the cash is gone, the cash is gone. That means no mo' money. Great! Faboo, that was the plan. No point to those previous reactions, better to just prepare.

This is a big deal. It's nothing to be dramatic about, but I also don't want to downplay that it's a major marker signaling the end of my current life path. John's blog was mostly about his experience with terminal cancer and dealing and doing his best to live with it, but then he reached that point, that marker in the last month that signaled it was over (even though it might not have been so clear to him at the time) and there was no more treating or dealing with the cancer, no more fighting it. It just became about the non-stop, excruciating pain and managing it with military-grade the best big pharma painkillers until the end. For me, no matter what mind games I played with myself, no matter what neurotic dysfunction or flaky waffling I wallowed in, the end of funds, running out of money was always, always, always endgame. 

That was the plan. No matter what paltry, lame excuses I made to live on, no matter how many times I tried and chickened out, the plan was to constantly make life decisions that would funnel me to the point where I would reach the end of my funds and there would be no surviving the decision of suicide at that point. Ironically, it was my parents who foiled the plan for so long by providing base funds (which they thought were supplemental to my income because in their minds they simply couldn't conceive of me being unemployed as I have been for the past decade) that kept me not only alive, but reasonably, relatively comfortable. 

Chronic suicidal ideation is survivable in a similar way that bipolar, schizophrenia, PTSD, etc. are survivable. Those, of course, aren't death sentences per se, whereas if suicidal ideation becomes acute, survivability goes down because that's its nature. But if it remains chronic that means there are still mental mechanisms leaning towards living embedded in the consideration and contemplation of suicide and living with it becomes possible. 

I did and was all that but then I added a "fail-safe" (or its opposite, "success-danger"?), a few extra lines of code in the software of mental mechanisms that guaranteed that someday I would succeed in committing suicide instead of just living and getting by with the suicidal ideation. I basically sabotaged chronic suicidal ideation so that it wasn't survivable. The plan was that I set up the conditions so that I would have to commit suicide (by agreement with myself) when I had no more support (money) for living. And I'd never be desperate or motivated enough to make the money myself to survive. I learned about myself that no matter what job I landed or stability or satisfaction I found, it wouldn't last. I'd get bored, I'd sabotage it, I'd come around back to suicidal ideation and nothing anyone has done or said or been to me has changed that.

Little of this is actually new aside from hitting that marker of exhausting my buffer of U.S. cash. The "chronic suicidal ideation" concept is still a relatively new revelation that I'm not through mulling, but all of the suicide stuff otherwise is not. So I think it fair to quickly fill in the rest of the suicide philosophy that I prefer to approach it positively without despondency and recognizing that all things are impermanent anyway. I choose to view it positively as part of my path and that there is something to learn from it. Better that than be all negative about it, right? 

It also helps having a system of belief that includes reincarnation and doesn't put that much ultimate importance on any single bodily lifetime. Each lifetime is important, but for me the importance is measured in what's learned and spiritual progress made. Dying is not an ultimate end. I agree with the belief it's just the end of a body and not the end of a "person" or the energy or the path/journey it's on. How we die and the mindset we're in when we die is key to future manifestations and not human morality or judgment (except to the effect that they affect our mindset). 

If a "trigger warning" was warranted, I hope it's more to trigger living mindfully. If you're suicidal and don't believe in reincarnation, don't be an ass and just don't do it, throwing away your shot. Whoops, there goes the trigger warning.

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Several years ago I wondered whether or not I really did have a teacher, a "guru", somewhere out there that I wasn't pursuing in this lifetime as a matter of personal (possibly karmic) choice. So I did what any diligent and hardcore committed practitioner would do and started sending out mental signals to the universe asking whether or not I really did have a teacher, a "guru", somewhere out there for when I was ready to have a teacher again in some future lifetime. 

I didn't really expect any kind of sign or "response", skepticism prevailing, but just a little while later, I think maybe within the month, I got an email from an old college acquaintance I hadn't heard from in years saying she had a flash of intuition that she "needed" to contact me and tell me about her teacher; the Zen teacher she's found in this lifetime (I had no idea that she ended up on the Zen path).

I interpreted that as a response from the universe. Not necessarily that her teacher was my teacher (maybe so, but I still wasn't ready to pursue it), but that's how it would happen. When I was ready for a teacher again, it would just come my way by happenstance. Don't worry about it, it'll happen when I'm ready in a future lifetime (with chronic suicidal ideation the "future" is never in this lifetime). I haven't thought about it since. 

Not having thought about it since, I never gave thought about what type of teacher or what characteristics I would look for in a teacher, what criteria would make me accept a teacher. I guess I just thought it would come down to instinct and I think that was right, the best approach for me.

On February 5, I watched a video that showed up on my YouTube front page by a guru named Sadhguru. I know that was the date because I posted it on Facebook to mark the date I first came across his videos. It was just instinct, something about him, that I thought I should mark the occasion. I still don't know why he stood out that I should click on his video, I generally don't click on any guru-looking video that shows up on my page. 

I've watched a bunch, dozens, of his videos since then (many are in the quickly watchable 10-20 minute range). I don't agree with everything he says, but what's the point of a teacher if you agree with everything he or she says? Might as well be your own guru then (maybe my biggest problem has been that I've been acting like my own guru then). But it's not like I disagree with anything he says, at worst I'm skeptical but still open. Or I just don't know. 

Just about all of his videos, posted and re-posted across various sites (watch one video and recommendations abound thereafter), make me ponder something specific. That's unlike other dharma talks that I'll sometimes listen to just to have the words enter my ears and paying attention is optional. However, the titles indicate such a range of issues that some I'm just not interested in. He covers Buddhism and Gautama just as a small part of larger Hindu spiritual cosmology, perhaps befitting someone truly enlightened and therefore possibly unlimited in range. Nothing he says contradicts anything in Tibetan Buddhism and Tibetan iconography even affirms the wider view as represented in Hinduism. The Buddha, Gautama, is represented as the sage of the human realm. 

One thing I like about him are his "twists" on some points. Sort of like plot twists in movies when you realize something you thought was one thing turns out to be something else. And he makes things on the spiritual path seem so simple! And that feeling carries away from his talks, stop making things so complicated, it's really quite simple! Things he says are confounding but in a good way; enlightening in a way of feeling lighter after listening to him. 

When Luyen (pronounced "Lynn", should rhyme with Nguyen) contacted me several years ago, the universe may have been showing me how it would happen when I was ready for a teacher again. I don't think it matters that in a future lifetime I wouldn't recall any particular incidents from this lifetime. I think that's the sort of thing that can carry over as karmic seeds and germinate either as instinct or in response to encouraging conditions or stimuli (I certainly don't know how much of my instinct or experience in this lifetime is the result of karmic seeds from things that occurred in past lifetimes, i.e., to someone else). And coming across Sadhguru so close to what is looking more and more to be the end of my life may be the universe giving me confidence in recognizing a qualified and worthy teacher. 

I even came across a video covering people like me with a dubious relationship with the guru concept and sums up a lot of what I've been struggling with (and like chronic suicidal ideation I'm neither alone nor unique):

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