Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA

It occurred to me this morning that the whole 'aspirant' issue for me here at the monastery has just been a mindgame, a test, perhaps intentionally exacerbated by the monastics, but mostly my own creation.

I do think the monastics' treatment of the issue was organic, though. They didn't create it as an issue to test me, but listened to me, identified it as an issue from my own words, and then shaped their answers to my inquiries to test me on the issue.

In retrospect, I do think the issue caused me a bit of distress, and their answers and guidance didn't really help any – but they weren't supposed to help except to test me to find my own true feelings.

Of course I only realize this after it has been confirmed that when I return, I'll be an aspirant. One of the monks hinted before I really pressed the issue that I was 'already considered an aspirant'. The joke was on me. I could have requested aspirancy a month ago, but I was left stewing in it because of my own hang-ups!

Their teaching/guidance came in the form of not being clear on what aspirancy was or what it meant. That was the information I kept on trying to get from them. So I got answers like aspirancy being 100% certain on the monastic path. Not a lie, but I interpreted that to mean if you request aspirancy, you're looking to ordain eventually. Period.

Now I realize that can't be right, it doesn't make sense and would be irresponsible of them to expect that. There are things I can't know about the monastic path until I become an aspirant. But to know those things, I need to request aspirancy. Catch-22.

I finally pressed the issue because of financial reasons, and they finally gave in and said, "yea, you'll be an aspirant when you come back", but they've considered me an aspirant all along. And when I come back on the aspirant path, that doesn't mean 100% committal to the monastic path. At any point, I might come across the one thing I can't get past and will have to leave the mountain.

I'm learning. The confusion on the issue was my own creation. If I had just looked at it logically and come to a certain decision on my own, I could have avoided any distress over the issue. Or if I just had a positive mindset about it.