Englewood Cliffs, NJ

if i should stumble
and what if this monastery charade is just another ploy; a sidetrack. what if there is no transformation. what if this is the same thing i've always done. i look down into the well of my psychology and the laugh echoes and echoes and echoes on on on on on.

i don't need to enter the monastery to accomplish the purported reasons for which i'm entering the monastery. everything is already complete. the answers manifest. there is no attaining enlightenment, everything all is enlightenment.

i don't think the path is wrong or deluded. i think the monastery is right, i think they're onto something, but what do i want. maybe i'm not ready for the monastery, maybe i'm way beyond the monastery. maybe i haven't even begun to climb the mountain, maybe i'm on my way back down the mountain, maybe there is no mountain. who knows. who cares. what do i want.

the patterns of my life swirl around me and i might be shamming myself with this idea about the monastery and what it's supposed to do. but do i believe in the core of my being, do i trust myself. how many more times do i let other people test me as to whether i'm a fucking aspirant or not.

next stop: taiwan.

Northern Exposure Quote of the Day:
Chris: The fact that we don't know this man isn't important really, because his experience is our experience, and his fate - up here - is our fate. "Vanitas vanitatum, omnia vanitas", says the preacher. All is vanity. I think that's a pretty good epitaph for all of us. When we're stripped of all our worldly possessions, and all our fame and family and friends, we all face death alone. But it's that solitude in death that's our common bond in life. I know it's ironic, but it's just the way things are. Vanitas vanitatum, omnia vanitas. Only when we understand all is vanity, only then it isn't.
Maurice: Sometimes I have trouble following his train of thought.