New Years Revelation
When did my own negativity become such a monster? It's not even real, it's just subjective mental formation. It means that I will never be happy, and no matter what great situation I find myself in, no matter what great relationship I enter, I will eventually become critical, dissatisfied, discontented, disillusioned.

My criticism of this monastery has reached a fevered pitch. I started to say that it's not even a monastery, it's just a practice center catering to the needs of laypeople with no standards of quality or behavior. I started to say that the practice here has very little of what I consider the hallmarks of monasticism.

I started thinking that this branch monastery is no where near the ideal, and I started looking forward to going to the root monastery in Plum Village, France, or the other branch monastery in Vermont, thinking those places would be more to my liking because they are far removed from the surrounding lay community and were more conducive to a monastic environment. The incredible desert climate here was no longer such an important, determining factor of appeal.

My critical thinking attacked the administration and implementation of the monastic philosophy here and analyzed how it contradicted the very principle of mindfulness. I was standing on a soapbox, yelling at any passerby who bothered to stop and listen to me rant about what's wrong with this place.

No one agreed.

They told me they loved this place. This place was special, it was magical. They are so happy and grateful that this place is here for them. With the stresses and problems of their daily lives, they could come up here and they could relax, they could let go of their mind and be surrounded by nature, and smiles from other people were almost guaranteed. That's how I used to feel.

Suddenly my criticisms and negative view of the place became a mirror. Only I saw it and all I saw was myself in them. This has to stop.

True to my own philosophy, I was happy before with my relationship with my life, even if it was discontent or dissatisfaction. If I was discontented or dissatisfied, I told myself that I was happy being discontented and dissatisfied, and as such it was perfect. That doesn't fly here. This place is special and I don't want it marred by the negativity of my artificial mental constructs.

Even if my criticisms are valid, the expression of them can be not negative. I may not have control over the things I'm being critical about, but I do have control over how I deal with them myself.

For example, and this isn't really a criticism of mine, but more of an ideal in my mind, it would be nice to have a well-kept monastery, where the grounds are tended to and appears neat, pleasing, and pleasant, without leaves and flotsam scattered about every which way.

I have it worked out in my mind exactly how I would accomplish this in a mindful, community-oriented way, but it will never happen like that because I don't have control over the situation. What I can do is implement it in myself. After morning sitting, I can mindfully walk up and tend to the tea room or sweep the grounds until breakfast. Not even having it as a goal to clean the place, it's a meditation, just sweep in mindfulness until the breakfast bell is rung.

I'm sure if I think of all the criticisms my critical mind has created and sculpted, I can find a creative way to transform them or think of better ways to handle them aside from getting frustrated or angry.