I swear
The next person who tells me to follow my heart or do whatever makes me happy, I'm gonna kill myself.
Saturday, May 28, 2005
I got a great phonecall from my mother the other day. She called to tell me that the monastery will want to send me to "religion school", and if they do, I should insist on paying for it myself, or if they offered me a scholarship, I should refuse it and say that I'll pay for it myself.
I frankly told her that there were no plans to send me to "religion school", and then she clarified it and she meant the monastic training in France. Her little delusion of a mythical "religion school" was pretty amusing, but her calling the aspirant training "religion school" is equally amusing.
She went on to explain that if I let them pay for it, they would have control over me and they would send me anywhere they wanted to. So I should not let them pay for anything and my parents would cover any expenses.
I didn't tell her that, even if her little scenario had any basis in truth, I would prefer to be controlled by the monastery for having paid my way, than having my parents control me for having paid my way.
The monastery does, in fact, cover travel expenses for aspirants, no strings attached if we decide against the monastic path, but I'm thinking of letting my parents cover my flight to France. If they want to be idiots about it, let them pay for it. Oops, eyes of compassion, eyes of compassion. Learn to look at parents through eyes of compassion.
Whenever I try to look at my parents through the eyes of compassion, it turns into eyes of pity and disdain.
I frankly told her that there were no plans to send me to "religion school", and then she clarified it and she meant the monastic training in France. Her little delusion of a mythical "religion school" was pretty amusing, but her calling the aspirant training "religion school" is equally amusing.
She went on to explain that if I let them pay for it, they would have control over me and they would send me anywhere they wanted to. So I should not let them pay for anything and my parents would cover any expenses.
I didn't tell her that, even if her little scenario had any basis in truth, I would prefer to be controlled by the monastery for having paid my way, than having my parents control me for having paid my way.
The monastery does, in fact, cover travel expenses for aspirants, no strings attached if we decide against the monastic path, but I'm thinking of letting my parents cover my flight to France. If they want to be idiots about it, let them pay for it. Oops, eyes of compassion, eyes of compassion. Learn to look at parents through eyes of compassion.
Whenever I try to look at my parents through the eyes of compassion, it turns into eyes of pity and disdain.
Tuesday, May 24, 2005
It is a distinct possibility, if not probability, that I will end up ordaining at Plum Village. I gather this from looking at the patterns in my life. I naturally tend towards personal entropy. My typical MO for making life decisions has been to wait until the last minute then flip a coin (all the while agonizing over the decision, no doubt).
I can trace the pattern back to a relationship I was in once that was so boring that it wasn’t even worth breaking up until eight months after I decided I wanted to break up. It was at that time I floated through law school simply because I found myself there. I didn’t quit my job for more than a year after talking about quitting my job simply because I was there. Same with leaving San Francisco, same with quitting the band I was in, same with coming to the monastery, etc., etc.
So I’m thinking I’m here at the monastery now. If nothing comes up to proactively remove me off the path, I'll most likely just float on through, just being here, which is what I do best, and when it comes time to make a decision to ordain, I'll just say, hey, why not?, this is perfect, this is what I want to do.
Not a great reason to ordain. Also a perfect reason to ordain. Why can't things just be simple? Oh yea, they are. Beautiful.
I can trace the pattern back to a relationship I was in once that was so boring that it wasn’t even worth breaking up until eight months after I decided I wanted to break up. It was at that time I floated through law school simply because I found myself there. I didn’t quit my job for more than a year after talking about quitting my job simply because I was there. Same with leaving San Francisco, same with quitting the band I was in, same with coming to the monastery, etc., etc.
So I’m thinking I’m here at the monastery now. If nothing comes up to proactively remove me off the path, I'll most likely just float on through, just being here, which is what I do best, and when it comes time to make a decision to ordain, I'll just say, hey, why not?, this is perfect, this is what I want to do.
Not a great reason to ordain. Also a perfect reason to ordain. Why can't things just be simple? Oh yea, they are. Beautiful.
Sunday, May 22, 2005
I’m happy. I’m fucking happy. The atmosphere at this monastery is just fucking incredible and is very conducive to being happy and joyful. You don’t know where the happiness is coming from, it’s just in the fabric of the place. Unity, community, harmony, brotherhood and sisterhood, also known as “bristerhood”, and sometimes it’s just downright playful.
A brother related an incident once when a Tibetan monk stayed here for a week, and at the end, he really lit into the brothers here. He criticized the monastic philosophy here for too much emphasis on happiness. My comment on the anecdote was that I understand where the Tibetan monk was coming from, but that he was also missing the point.
I think the point of the Tibetan monk was that, as monks, practice should be more austere, more serious, more concentrated and contemplative, and it should go deeper into the mind and the nature of existence and being. I actually agree with that. There’s a whole pantheon of esoteric practice in the Tibetan tradition that is available, and the monks here don’t even touch it. We don’t even deal with death very effectively.
But on the other hand, it seemed like what he was saying might be restated as, “As monks, you should be working towards enlightenment, not happiness”. The monks here took what he said to heart, but in the end, what’s wrong with happiness? Can you have too much happiness? What were the monks supposed to say? "Sorry"?
Besides, the Tibetan monk was only here for a week, and that’s not enough to really get to know a practice. If the Tibetan monk stayed for several months, a year, or several years, who knows if he might end up finding it difficult to leave. And we have had monks from other traditions who have come to visit for a week and were blown away by the atmosphere and practice here. They didn’t want to leave after only a week. But again, you still can’t know a practice after one week, and we would caution that it may be great after one week, but after two weeks or three weeks, or longer, they might start itching to get back to their own tradition, the one they’re familiar with and the path they’ve found.
In the end, these are all Dharma doors, different paths for different types of people to think through the nature of reality, of being here, of living; get under the skin of the big questions we have about life that has led us to the practice, with no guarantee that we’ll find the answer. There is a reason for the esoteric practices of Tibetan schools, but there is also a reason for the cultivation of mindfulness, harmony, and happiness of this school of Zen. There’s a reason to remain lay practitioners or to become academics to learn about and spread the teachings and philosophies. You don’t even need to be acquainted with the Buddhadharma. You don't need to be "Buddhist".
This is all coming from someone whose personal proclamation is that happiness is not a goal in life. But as the quote goes There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way. There’s a permutation of the quote using “peace” (There is no way to peace, peace is the way). And one with burritos.
A brother related an incident once when a Tibetan monk stayed here for a week, and at the end, he really lit into the brothers here. He criticized the monastic philosophy here for too much emphasis on happiness. My comment on the anecdote was that I understand where the Tibetan monk was coming from, but that he was also missing the point.
I think the point of the Tibetan monk was that, as monks, practice should be more austere, more serious, more concentrated and contemplative, and it should go deeper into the mind and the nature of existence and being. I actually agree with that. There’s a whole pantheon of esoteric practice in the Tibetan tradition that is available, and the monks here don’t even touch it. We don’t even deal with death very effectively.
But on the other hand, it seemed like what he was saying might be restated as, “As monks, you should be working towards enlightenment, not happiness”. The monks here took what he said to heart, but in the end, what’s wrong with happiness? Can you have too much happiness? What were the monks supposed to say? "Sorry"?
Besides, the Tibetan monk was only here for a week, and that’s not enough to really get to know a practice. If the Tibetan monk stayed for several months, a year, or several years, who knows if he might end up finding it difficult to leave. And we have had monks from other traditions who have come to visit for a week and were blown away by the atmosphere and practice here. They didn’t want to leave after only a week. But again, you still can’t know a practice after one week, and we would caution that it may be great after one week, but after two weeks or three weeks, or longer, they might start itching to get back to their own tradition, the one they’re familiar with and the path they’ve found.
In the end, these are all Dharma doors, different paths for different types of people to think through the nature of reality, of being here, of living; get under the skin of the big questions we have about life that has led us to the practice, with no guarantee that we’ll find the answer. There is a reason for the esoteric practices of Tibetan schools, but there is also a reason for the cultivation of mindfulness, harmony, and happiness of this school of Zen. There’s a reason to remain lay practitioners or to become academics to learn about and spread the teachings and philosophies. You don’t even need to be acquainted with the Buddhadharma. You don't need to be "Buddhist".
This is all coming from someone whose personal proclamation is that happiness is not a goal in life. But as the quote goes There is no way to happiness, happiness is the way. There’s a permutation of the quote using “peace” (There is no way to peace, peace is the way). And one with burritos.
Friday, May 20, 2005
You know how they say if you have a lot of money, and you have a lot of friends because they are attracted to you because of your money, that they're not real friends, that they are only your friends as long as you have money, and you won't be able to rely on them when luck goes south?
My mother and father aren't my parents. Their money is my parents! I was raised by their money. Really.
I guess that's better than having a test tube for parents, though.
My mother and father aren't my parents. Their money is my parents! I was raised by their money. Really.
I guess that's better than having a test tube for parents, though.
Thursday, May 19, 2005
I had a rubber stamp made out saying “OBSTACLE”. Now when I encounter difficulties or doubts on the path, I just pull out the rubber stamp and stamp them as obstacles, and know that they are not real and I can just move on. It’s like going for a run in the woods, when you come across a log or a rock blocking the path. You assess the obstacle, find your way around it, and continue on.
So if I have difficulty with a person and it bothers me, I take out my rubber stamp and stamp “OBSTACLE” on his forehead and continue on. Sometimes I’ll have difficulty with a person or an issue, and it will produce negative thoughts and thinking in my head, at which point I’ll stamp “OBSTACLE” on his forehead and my own, and continue on.
It works well with the littlest thing, like someone not cleaning up properly, or missing a responsibility, or when the schedule changes. As for bigger things, of course, sometimes when you’re out for a run in the woods, you come across a boulder that you can’t find your way around. But I think if you come across a boulder you can’t get past, you are no longer on the path, and you should turn around and find your way back to the path.
WordsCharactersReading time
Monday, May 16, 2005
It used to be all about location. Location was so important for aiding in satisfaction. Then it was it's not where you are, but who you're with. Any location can be wonderful if you're there with the person you want to be there with. Then it became, it's not who you're with, but who you are. The location can be ideal or not ideal, the person you're with can be great, but if you aren't settled in who you are, you can still muck everything up.
I love when I realize the obvious.
I love when I realize the obvious.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
It’s almost a month since I’ve been back at the monastery, supposedly as an aspirant, but I haven’t written my “letter of aspirancy” yet. They still don’t have a statement of my intentions here. If I go to the root monastery in France to really get into training as an aspirant, they don’t know what to tell the monastics there to give them an idea who I am or where I’m coming from. I haven’t written my letter because of distractions and doubts, but most of them have cleared out, and I think I’m ready to write that letter.
My doubts about the monastic path haven’t been helped by the community here, which has started to feel like a frontier monastery, way out in the wilderness, with saloons serving up shots of soy milk and law and order maintained by the sheriff-abbot. It is far removed from the “real deal” of the root monastery where Thich Nhat Hanh’s presence is enough to keep the monastic philosophy in line with the principles and ideals.
But I realize I’m not here to make friends or be chummy with the monks. We’re all here on our separate paths, bound by a common theoretical philosophy, but really what I’m doing on my path has little or nothing to do necessarily with what they’re doing on their path. The monastery is just a vehicle.
Furthermore, I’m not here looking towards ordination. That's just something I don't know, so I can't be worried or stressed about it, or even whether I’m here "sincerely" as an aspirant. I’m here. That’s the point. I came here to find out if I want to ordain. If I’m faltering this way and that, I’m still here trying to figure it out. If I fall off the path and leave, that’s when I know I shouldn’t be here and need to leave. Until then, all I need to remember is that I’m still here. I am neither thinking of ordaining or thinking of not ordaining.
I think the community here has taken me as far as they can as an aspirant. Now they just need my input to formulate, as a community, what they will tell the brothers in Plum Village for me to go there. I’m ready to go now, or as soon as I submit my letter, but I have a wedding to go to in July (not my own, I hope), so I might stick around here until then, and then fly directly to France after the wedding. There are a lot of possible options, though, so I won’t project on what might happen. I might fall completely off the path and go to Tucson or ex-pat in Taiwan for a while to find out if I’m really sure about ordaining.
On the monastic path, there is often what is called the “great doubt”, requiring “great determination” to get past it. The Plum Village system is much gentler and kinder and doesn’t phrase things as dramatically. Instead, the question an aspirant constantly faces is, “Are you sure?”. And it’s a pretty frightening question if you think about it, since it’s a decision for the rest of your life. Are you sure? Fuck no!, came the early reply. Now, it is more like, no, not yet.
My doubts about the monastic path haven’t been helped by the community here, which has started to feel like a frontier monastery, way out in the wilderness, with saloons serving up shots of soy milk and law and order maintained by the sheriff-abbot. It is far removed from the “real deal” of the root monastery where Thich Nhat Hanh’s presence is enough to keep the monastic philosophy in line with the principles and ideals.
But I realize I’m not here to make friends or be chummy with the monks. We’re all here on our separate paths, bound by a common theoretical philosophy, but really what I’m doing on my path has little or nothing to do necessarily with what they’re doing on their path. The monastery is just a vehicle.
Furthermore, I’m not here looking towards ordination. That's just something I don't know, so I can't be worried or stressed about it, or even whether I’m here "sincerely" as an aspirant. I’m here. That’s the point. I came here to find out if I want to ordain. If I’m faltering this way and that, I’m still here trying to figure it out. If I fall off the path and leave, that’s when I know I shouldn’t be here and need to leave. Until then, all I need to remember is that I’m still here. I am neither thinking of ordaining or thinking of not ordaining.
I think the community here has taken me as far as they can as an aspirant. Now they just need my input to formulate, as a community, what they will tell the brothers in Plum Village for me to go there. I’m ready to go now, or as soon as I submit my letter, but I have a wedding to go to in July (not my own, I hope), so I might stick around here until then, and then fly directly to France after the wedding. There are a lot of possible options, though, so I won’t project on what might happen. I might fall completely off the path and go to Tucson or ex-pat in Taiwan for a while to find out if I’m really sure about ordaining.
On the monastic path, there is often what is called the “great doubt”, requiring “great determination” to get past it. The Plum Village system is much gentler and kinder and doesn’t phrase things as dramatically. Instead, the question an aspirant constantly faces is, “Are you sure?”. And it’s a pretty frightening question if you think about it, since it’s a decision for the rest of your life. Are you sure? Fuck no!, came the early reply. Now, it is more like, no, not yet.
Wednesday, May 11, 2005
I don’t like someone. It’s not really acceptable at the monastery to dislike someone else. It’s not a rule, there’s no requirement to like everybody or not dislike anybody, but it’s something I glean from the environment here.
If you don’t like someone, you can’t just accept it and let it be and continue disliking the person, you have to engage it. And then what? Like the person? Not.
I think you don’t have to like everybody, but when you really dislike someone, you have to engage it and transform it to reach some understanding that keeps peace within oneself, within the other person, and within the community.
So I’m working on it with this person. He’s the other monastic aspirant here. Actually, no that’s not right. He’s not the “other aspirant”. The monks think there are two aspirants here, there aren’t. I’m the only aspirant, even if he ends up ordaining and I don't. The other guy is a monastic cadet, as in “space cadet”.
Whoops, I just failed.
So I’m working on it with this person. I’m starting with baby steps and I think I’ve had a good day when I get through it without calling him “Blondie”.
Damn, try it again.
So I’m working on it with this person, but really all I want to do is beat him senseless with a plastic whiffle ball bat. Man, would that feel good!
If you don’t like someone, you can’t just accept it and let it be and continue disliking the person, you have to engage it. And then what? Like the person? Not.
I think you don’t have to like everybody, but when you really dislike someone, you have to engage it and transform it to reach some understanding that keeps peace within oneself, within the other person, and within the community.
So I’m working on it with this person. He’s the other monastic aspirant here. Actually, no that’s not right. He’s not the “other aspirant”. The monks think there are two aspirants here, there aren’t. I’m the only aspirant, even if he ends up ordaining and I don't. The other guy is a monastic cadet, as in “space cadet”.
Whoops, I just failed.
So I’m working on it with this person. I’m starting with baby steps and I think I’ve had a good day when I get through it without calling him “Blondie”.
Damn, try it again.
So I’m working on it with this person, but really all I want to do is beat him senseless with a plastic whiffle ball bat. Man, would that feel good!
Sunday, May 08, 2005
Like I've said before, so far as I've found, there is nothing in the so-called Tibetan Book of the Dead that condemns suicide. Which makes sense since the book is about the death process, not about how one gets there or any so-called moral implications of how one got there.
Nor has my recent read, Thich Nhat Hanh's No Death, No Fear: Comforting Wisdom for Life, given any indication that death is anything other than death. It's a brilliant, philosophical treatise on death and the nature of life from a Buddhist point of view, and quite honestly, everything he writes to help people understand death in the context of life is just as applicable to suicides.
In other words, if a person understands what he is writing about death, and how there is no death, just manifestation and transformation, then they have looked deeply enough to understand that suicide is also not death. Even if you understand that you are intricately and intimately connected with everyone and everything around you, there is still no moral condemnation of suicide.
Honestly, I'm not hung up on suicide. I don't know why it's on my brain. Honestly, it's never been off. It's like an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend who had such an impact on you that you can't imagine that they hadn't crossed your mind at least once a day since you broke up. I can't point to every instance I've thought about it everyday, but I'm sure it's been there every day.
You'd think that enlightenment would have some effect on my ideas about suicide. It doesn't. But, oh yea, I'm not enlightened. But if I was, and who is to say I'm not (really, it's the easiest thing in the world), I don't think it would have any effect on my ideas about suicide. If I ever change my ideas on suicide, I hope I'd kill myself. Whoops, no self to kill.
Nor has my recent read, Thich Nhat Hanh's No Death, No Fear: Comforting Wisdom for Life, given any indication that death is anything other than death. It's a brilliant, philosophical treatise on death and the nature of life from a Buddhist point of view, and quite honestly, everything he writes to help people understand death in the context of life is just as applicable to suicides.
In other words, if a person understands what he is writing about death, and how there is no death, just manifestation and transformation, then they have looked deeply enough to understand that suicide is also not death. Even if you understand that you are intricately and intimately connected with everyone and everything around you, there is still no moral condemnation of suicide.
Honestly, I'm not hung up on suicide. I don't know why it's on my brain. Honestly, it's never been off. It's like an ex-girlfriend/boyfriend who had such an impact on you that you can't imagine that they hadn't crossed your mind at least once a day since you broke up. I can't point to every instance I've thought about it everyday, but I'm sure it's been there every day.
You'd think that enlightenment would have some effect on my ideas about suicide. It doesn't. But, oh yea, I'm not enlightened. But if I was, and who is to say I'm not (really, it's the easiest thing in the world), I don't think it would have any effect on my ideas about suicide. If I ever change my ideas on suicide, I hope I'd kill myself. Whoops, no self to kill.
Thursday, May 05, 2005
Tuesday, May 03, 2005
I had a migraine this weekend, only the second time I've had a migraine in my life. Not pleasant. I don't know how people who get them regularly deal with it. I would have killed myself a long time ago. Hahaha. No really, it makes me feel weak.
Interesting point is that a lot of brain images and visuals that came up during migraine pain were not that different than general ones that come up. Migraine is being sick. So am I sick in general? Hahaha. No really, am I?
I don't know why I would get migraines. Not everyone gets them, I know, and I think people get them for specific reasons. I wonder if mine are stress related, but I wonder what that stress would be. I don't think it is the general monastic consideration, since that has been ongoing and not a particular source of huge stress yet. Yet.
It may have been connected to the fact that I got another guest put in my room at the monastery for two weeks. Coincidence that I get a guest and, boom, migraine hits after a full night of not being able to sleep? Really, I'm thinking that the no-privacy aspect of the monastic community here will be one of my biggest obstacles to ordaining.
Am I really ready to live with people who don't close the door when they pee, and find peeing a convenient time to fart as well? Things I don't need to hear. Close the damn bathroom door! (practicing equanimity and letting go of ego, practicing equanimity and letting go of ego). Or as one monk mentioned, living with someone who cuts his toenails on the carpet and says he'll vacuum it up later, but you know he won't. I almost asked who it was, but I knew he wouldn't name names.
Or maybe the migraine was related to the glaring realization that my happiness is a very lonely thing. How many times have I heard people say that they want me to do what makes me happy, knowing that it is their way of creating a distance?
I want you to do what makes you happy, with no regard to them, because my happiness has nothing to do with them or being close to them. It's their way of letting me know they're cutting me loose.
People who want you close don't tell you to do whatever makes you happy without indicating that they want themselves somewhere in your plans. This is not self-pity, I recognize this as my karma, the effect of some cause that I need to work out, a problem.
Interesting point is that a lot of brain images and visuals that came up during migraine pain were not that different than general ones that come up. Migraine is being sick. So am I sick in general? Hahaha. No really, am I?
I don't know why I would get migraines. Not everyone gets them, I know, and I think people get them for specific reasons. I wonder if mine are stress related, but I wonder what that stress would be. I don't think it is the general monastic consideration, since that has been ongoing and not a particular source of huge stress yet. Yet.
It may have been connected to the fact that I got another guest put in my room at the monastery for two weeks. Coincidence that I get a guest and, boom, migraine hits after a full night of not being able to sleep? Really, I'm thinking that the no-privacy aspect of the monastic community here will be one of my biggest obstacles to ordaining.
Am I really ready to live with people who don't close the door when they pee, and find peeing a convenient time to fart as well? Things I don't need to hear. Close the damn bathroom door! (practicing equanimity and letting go of ego, practicing equanimity and letting go of ego). Or as one monk mentioned, living with someone who cuts his toenails on the carpet and says he'll vacuum it up later, but you know he won't. I almost asked who it was, but I knew he wouldn't name names.
Or maybe the migraine was related to the glaring realization that my happiness is a very lonely thing. How many times have I heard people say that they want me to do what makes me happy, knowing that it is their way of creating a distance?
I want you to do what makes you happy, with no regard to them, because my happiness has nothing to do with them or being close to them. It's their way of letting me know they're cutting me loose.
People who want you close don't tell you to do whatever makes you happy without indicating that they want themselves somewhere in your plans. This is not self-pity, I recognize this as my karma, the effect of some cause that I need to work out, a problem.
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