I just want to be prepared for death.

Death is inevitable, it is something that is going to happen, it is definitely coming. We all go out in different ways, but we all go out. Five to one, baby, one in five, no one here gets out alive.

That's fine when people say sure, it's coming, but it isn't here now, so why be bothered by it now? Life is for living. That's valid. I'm not trying to be universal about this.

I don't know why it occurs to me to be bothered by being "unprepared for death". It has something to do with recognizing the impermanance of moments, and being unsettled by that impermanence. Youth passes, friends and acquaintances pass, events pass. Seasons pass, years pass, eras pass. Now passes, and the future will come to pass. And then we die. Our lives pass.

It unsettles me to treat life as permanent when it's not. It's not true, it's not real, and I'm striving for something true, something real. Something unaffected by death. Whatever it is, it's intangible, nothing physical or material stands up against death.

But it has to make sense to me, not just because someone said something about it however many hundreds of years ago. Even if it was the result of an exploration similar to mine. Even if it may have been my exploration way back when. In this lifetime, or these lifetimes, I need to explore it and experience it myself. Same as it ever was.

So I try to prepare for death without being obsessive about it. Meditations on death and the death process, visualizations using existing literature and intuition as a guide, meditations on life and existence, breaking it down to try to get a sense what it really is. Meditations on biology, human functions and feelings. Using falling asleep as a rehearsal for dying.

And even death passes. The cycling of life is what makes sense to me, because I see cycles all around me in nature, from water, to leaves on the trees, to seasons, to stars, to galaxies. Nothing dies into nothingness. Nothing dies into a dead end heaven.

I look around me and see things transform and recycle. Every molecule came from somewhere and was something else before. Every molecule will cease being what it looks like now and become something else. And along with the conservation of energy theory applied to all physical phenomena, I stretch it and apply it to spiritual energy, and allow it to follow the same cycles.

I've started noticing how song titles in these song lists sometimes match what I'm writing about. With over 9000 songs being shuffled, I'm not really reading anything into it aside from coincidence, but it amuses me.

current soundtrack:
1. Kecak (Sekaha Ganda Sari, Bona) Indonesian traditional.
2. When You Sleep (My Bloody Valentine)
3. Let It Be Me (Indigo Girls)
4. Circles (Chick Corea Akoustic Band)
5. Los Endos (Genesis) < --haha
6. Isolation (Joy Division)
7. Dusk (Duke Ellington)
8. We Work the Black Seam (live) (Sting)
9. Don't Give Up (Peter Gabriel)
10. Guide Vocal (Genesis)