What's the entry I want to be brave enough to write?

I don't think it exists. It would require some truth, some realization, and I have neither. Even just a solid feeling, just to be able to be depressed enough to take some action, even if it's suicide. And write that entry.

Suicide is supposed to be feeling-driven. It's not supposed to be an examination, an exploration, part of a journey. It's not supposed to be a paradigm or a philosophy. I'm supposed to feel really, really bad. Inconsolable, is the word I read elsewhere tonight. The distortions around the edge of my reality are supposed to be madness, not . . . curious.

But that's what it is. And maybe that's what has prevented execution. And now, recently, it has become ambiguous. No, it's not an answer, I've never seen it as an answer. But now with ambiguity comes thoughts of not doing it – not seriously, I don't think it will ever be seriously completely gone – and that means living and continuing my exploration in this lifetime instead of switching to another one. It's a decision, is it an "answer"? If it is, I reject it.

It's rhetorical anyway, I wouldn't want to hear anyone's rhetorical answer anyway.

I look back at the elements and occurrences in my life that posed and presented the questions, the dilemmas. I think them through, I create a logic, I follow my feelings, and there are no answers. They lead to paradoxes. Now even suicide is one. It never was before. When I tried to explain it to other people, it would transform in my throat and the words would come out in the shape of a paradox, but they didn't start off that way in me.

So I'm taking this online certification course to teach English overseas, which still seems a boneheaded idea to me. I'm going to cut communications with the remaining few people left, since I might as well. I've got this bottle of expired Target sleeping pills that I want to take, just because it's about time I did something like that. Nothing life-threatening, just something to push me way down for a day. And through this all, I still try to maintain the monastic training.