I survived Christmas alright, although this is probably the first one I've spent on the East Coast in over 12 years or longer. I think I made it a point never to be here for Christmas, and no one ever pressed the point. We are not a Christmas-y family. We're not a holiday-y family. So spending a single Christmas with family couldn't be that bad. Especially since it'll never happen again.

I'm still trying to gauge my progress. I want to die, but I'm not pushing anything. I also don't want to die, which is different from before – I won't call it an improvement – that is, I can see advantages in not rushing into dying. Balanced perspectives.

I read an article today that I read as encouraging towards a hermit ideal, barring suicide or entering a monastery. It was about being isolated from the world as the ideal for practice. That means isolating one's mind from the attachments to the world that cultivate habits that take physical reality as absolute fact and given.

It's about mental discipline. I could enter a monastery and still be completely attached to my worldly existence and cultivate those attached habit energies. On the other hand it's possible to be engaged in the world while remaining unattached and cultivating a mind that breaks down the habit of thinking of this table as a table.

But, there is a middle path that God takes because He's Buddhist.

Without going to extremes, an image that can be used as a constant meditation or concentration practice is a candle flame at the center of my mind, and only my concentration on it keeps it lit. Lose concentration, stop visualizing it, and it starts to flicker in the wind.

Still, the idea of getting this TEFL certification to go to Taiwan or Japan to teach English just to support myself while I otherwise live a quasi-hermit-like existence still seems ludicrous. What's the point? And it makes me want to push my exploration of dying.

I found a bottle of 151 proof rum in the house, and I've been drinking it because I don't think anyone will miss it. I haven't drunk a bottle of this stuff in over 10 years. And every time I take a shot, I remember why.

It's harder to drink a shot of 151 rum than it is to cut. That also makes it better than regular 80 proof liquors because it forces moderation. One shot of 151 rum and you don't want to touch the stuff again anytime soon. It will fu** you u*. You will feel like you're breathing fire. Two shots in an evening tops. Three per day tops.

current soundtrack:
1. Get Off the Internet (Le Tigre)
2. Sometimes I Make You Sad (Supergrass)
3. Like the Weather (10,000 Maniacs)
4. Sunday Bloody Sunday (live) (U2)
5. See My Friends (live) (The Kinks)
6. Martha My Dear (The Beatles)
7. Rebel Rebel (single) (David Bowie)
8. You Could Drive a Person Crazy ("Company" - Sondheim)
9. The Field (Throwing Muses)
10. Terminator X Speaks With His Hands (Public Enemy)

Christmas loot:
1. Muppet Show, Season One DVD
2. Cowboy Bebop complete sessions
3. Genesis: Platinum Collection
4. The Art of Living by the Dalai Lama
5. Lonely Planet: Taiwan