Tonight, I declined hanging out with classmates.

I don't mean to be callous, or judgmental, or anti-social. I don't mean to suggest that they're not worth hanging out with. They are totally worth hanging out with. I just want to be doing something that means something to me. And hanging out with them just didn't feel like it.

Last week, I hung out with them out of craving. Out of impulse. Out of desire for contact. But then all this week, in class, I didn't feel there was a connection. I didn't feel that there was any meaning to it. I didn't feel like going through more of that.

I was in a really bad mood by the end of class today. I felt like I was going no where with taking these classes, that I'm wasting my time, that my practice has really fallen apart, and I, as are we all, am still going to die and I'm wondering what it will mean to me. No "big picture" ideal, just what will it mean to me.

Part of the reason my practice has fallen apart is that I don't feel I have time to sit for 45-60 minutes after waking up, so morning sitting has been cut down to 20-35 minutes. Evening sitting has all but gone because I'm so tired by then I end up drifting off or outright falling asleep. This is not what I signed up for.

Mindfulness during the day has been taking an extra effort to maintain, but I can't say I'm disappointed in that. That was to be expected.

After getting home today, I set my timer for 60 minutes, sat for as long as I could, then read out of the Tibetan Book of the Dead for a section with the timer still running, then resumed sitting until the timer went off. I think that's how I will do evening sessions from now on.

I didn't hang out with classmates, but I responded to a call to go out with a relative of my brother's wife's family. My sister-in-law's family has been totally invaluable to me, so I didn't want to blow her off, but. . . it ended up being a total joke.

I am simply not to meet up with anyone new without a clear understanding that I am not a participant in this thing called life in the manner in which they understand it. Without that understanding, all random social engagements are to be avoided. Hanging out with classmates will be alright. I just needed to avoid it tonight.

iTunes soundtrack:
1. Full Disclosure (Fugazi)
2. Bea (Throwing Muses)
3. Mi Amigo (Skip Holiday)
4. Check It Out Ch'all (Paris)
5. Sensation (The Who)
6. Jeckyll & Hyde (And Ted And Alice) (Bela Fleck & the Flecktones)
7. Furry (100 Watt Smile)
8. It's So Hard (live) (John Lennon)
9. After the Ball/Million Miles (Wings)
10. Dragon #2 (Helium)