Going backwards. In a good way. Not that there is any "good way" any more. But shaking myself down about mindful breathing also reminded me that it also needs to be proactively implemented during sitting. Practice.

I've kept up sitting since the monastery, even though I've had to adjust habits to accommodate not being at the monastery. For a while now, it has been distracted, unfocused, and just . . . flowing. The "just letting the mind flow" brand of sitting is a good one, I'm not knocking that. But the quality of the flow and what's in it is important. Dirty flow of water or clean flow of water. Different.

Turns out maintaining sitting since the monastery is not a big accomplishment. Maintaining breathing would have been much better.

My new building has an outdoor area upstairs. I'd call it a deck, but it's totally undeveloped, used for drying clothes or smoking or chilling. I can use it for walking meditation. If breathing meditation is about being, walking meditation is about practicing being at peace, moving peacefully, with other things and other people on the outside.

Taiwan has really brought out the hostile in me. No where else in the world has made me want to punch random people on the street in the fucking face. Pretty bad sign. I've fallen pretty far off the path. Fortunately guilt isn't in my personality make-up as I acknowledge my recent state of being as clear mistake.

Unfortunately, pride is in my personality make-up, and I have to make the effort to drop the pride and acknowledge this being and these feelings are mistakes, and that I don't want them. They aren't naturally forming things that I have no control over. If I cling to them, that's an indication that I want them for some reason or another, probably pride.

So it's a proactive step to admit that I don't want them, which is hard because in some ways I do "want" them. I own them, they're mine, I have a very personal relationship with them. They are also attached to pride which is a very seductive and (falsely) empowering feeling.

Once and if I can admit I don't want them, then I have to proactively do something, instead of just stewing in the feeling and the admission that I don't want them. That's where breathing and walking need to come in. I'll see where this takes me.