This is not depression. This is not negative. This is not giving up. This is not anything anyone can do anything about.
The best case scenario is getting committed again, have my freedom, my ability to choose taken away from me. Being told this is what I'm going to do, and I don't have to do anything. But to get committed again, I have to create a reason for it. And survive it.
All scenarios that involve happiness are unfeasible. It is not true happiness, and I'm more and more convinced that I'm incapable of sustained happiness that depends on outside factors, all of which seem to depend on desire – the primary cause of suffering.
Ironically, I am a believer that happiness can be learned, it can be cultivated separate from outside factors. In fact, I don't believe in happiness dependent on outside factors as true happiness.
Happiness is subjective, and there was some study, I don't know if it was bogus or not, but it made sense to me, that compared the happiness of a paraplegic and a lottery winner a year after they came across their circumstance, and the factors they used to determine their happiness level found that they were about equally happy.
That is to say the paraplegic was happier than expected, and the lottery winner was sadder than expected. The cause of this is because when placed in dire circumstances, we make do. We manipulate our feelings and count our blessings and find a happiness despite our circumstances. But when given a great benefit, our expectations and euphoria are such that happiness really can't be fulfilled, and we're left wanting more of something or another.
And then there is that joy generation meditation I came up with before. I still believe in that, I still think it's valid, but it takes too much energy for me to sustain it. To this I add my karma, which I think makes it not in my nature in this lifetime to be happy.
So I have to take that tool of the joy generation meditation and tweak it to my circumstances, and what I'm finding sustainable is that I've made the meditation, instead of joy generating, negativity cleansing. Two sides of the same coin.
When the negativity arises, the anger, the frustration, the annoyance, the hatred arises, I use this tool like a torrent of water pouring on me from top to bottom, clearing it out as insubstantial, as fleeting as happiness.
And through all this, I arrive again at suicide as a practical inevitability. I'm not going to try to justify anything, I'm not going to try to convince anyone of anything. It's just that I know what I know, and no one else can know what I know. No one else can be me, and whatever choice I make has nothing to do with anyone else. If it did, where are they?
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| Ironically, they were very cagey about getting their picture taken. I'm not sure they really got the spirit of the Free Hugs movement. |
