It's not me with the identity crisis. Goddammit. Well, what is this blog supposed to be doing? Is it supposed to be about me learning a language? No. Boring.
Is it supposed to be about the people I meet or know in Taiwan? No. Boring. Any social interactions whatsoever? No. Is it supposed to be about my failed and failing musical endeavors? No. Boring. My failed and failing whatever? Oh please.
Crap no well what?
What do I want to say? Or what do I want to leave?
Ah yes, of course, leaving. This blog is definitely about my leaving or wanting to leave. And I guess what I've learned and encountered in that process.
I'll never have kids. I see my relatives having kids, and I look at these wonderful, innocent little mites, and just looking at my life, I would never want to create one of these things to go through anything like I went through. And not the bad stuff, the whole damn thing.
And it's not that I think any of them are like me or would be like me, god forbid, but if they're just like these other people, then why bother? Why would I bother? You put them on Earth, for what? To go through the whole life thing? To be trapped in this normative matrix, thinking it's something like reality, what life is about?
There's going to be a clearer elucidation of this in the future, I shouldn't wonder. Reason or no reason, the idea of having kids is just no where in my reality. It's almost offensive to it.
And also speaking of leaving, I'm going through a bottle of liquor every two or three days, which must be hastening the process. I'm starting to notice shifts in my health, if not my mood. I don't know if they're related.
The meditation on dying is always poignant, and not black and white. And there's gotta be something I can say about it and that's what this blog is supposed to be doing. I guess
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| TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 12:52 p.m. - Jingmei River default shot. |
