I think I'm firmly fixed in a downward spiral, which brings me much relief. It seems my alcohol consumption has gone up as well, which I didn't think was possible. And using my previous imperfect analogy of a ship moving through water, I often feel like I'm on the deck of ship that is tipping over. Not a sinking ship, this is a ship that is being overturned.

I feel I've passed the point of no return. It is impossible for anything or anyone to make me feel I want to stay here much longer. And really nothing or no one is even really trying. To me that means this is fact, if not fate or destiny, which it may be.

My alcohol consumption puts me in a constant state of feeling like I'm in toxic shock. It would almost feel surreal or transcendental if not for the fact that this is being caused by an intoxicant, basically a poison. Although I'm not seeing it that way. Alcohol affects my reality, but not as an intoxicant, I'm not intoxicated, I'm not out of control, I'm not dazed and confused. It kind of just magnifies the withering of my soul and my being. My non-place in this world, and the constant affirmation of that perspective all through my life.

I'm asking myself what do I have left to do, and all the things that I thought I have left to do are rather trivial, insignificant, vain and petty. The big thing now is leaving. That's the only thing that matters to me. All I want people to know of me is that I left. Everyone has to leave sometime, everyone has to go. But any possible lessons from that are more potent to people who don't have that concept anywhere on their radar.

I do still need encouragement. And I'm getting it.

WEDNESDAY, APRIL 14, 6:06 p.m. - Cycling along the "duckhead" part of the Keelung River with clouds rolling down over the Yangmingshan range.