I'm just cruising on through my life, with suicide just in front of me in time like a bow wave.

And it is time, the conditions are all in place right now, as they are, and nothing's going to change. The bow wave is not only always there now, it is not changing in size or shape. OK, it's not the perfect analogy.

Anytime is fine now, but the time still depends on me. And what that depends on, I'm not quite clear on. I just know that if I'm to break through to whatever may be next, it won't happen without another serious attempt with the full intention of succeeding.

Things still flash into my life and then they flash out. I've come to expect it to be this way. It's more than a pattern, it's pretty much fact and I accept it. I won't go so far as saying it's destiny, but facts are just facts.

And I am happy about it, too. I'm happy the things are the way they are because, still, the "best" possible scenario I can think of to want to continue on . . . I don't want. I don't desire that. It frightens me. More like repulse frighten than scared frighten.

So when? I don't know when. The bow of my ship might catch up with the bow wave as early as this month, or it might be maintained until, I don't know, September, and who knows what may change in that time? What I do know is that a ship's momentum keeps the bow wave going, and once the momentum is gone, there goes the bow wave, and no more bow; no reason for the bow. So I'll just know. Any momentum I have will be gone.

I do still think of unresolved underlying issues that have never been effectively dealt with – those that led to recurring issues too many to mention, but include anger if not rage, possibly humiliation to some extent. But somehow, at this point, those things just don't matter any more.

They really are irrelevant. Life goes on, the focus is on the younger generation making their way in the world and still have potential to make an impact on somebody's future. Do I think I matter anymore? No. Did I think I mattered before when I started writing all this? Probably, and foolishly I might add.

I've said before that in the course of growing up, it seems some social gene gets triggered in many that switches people's focus from being idealistic to realistic. People stop standing on soapboxes and feeling it necessary to make their opinions known and discussing abstract, theoretical or philosophical issues into the ground and want to settle down and raise a family and live comfortably.

I never got that switch. Like I've mentioned before, the questions I dealt with in my younger years are still more compelling than the questions of mortgages and paychecks and elementary schools, etc., etc.

But I understand it watching my brothers having and raising children, and I get it that it's not about me. It's about them. Not that I thought it was about me, what I mean is that when you start having kids or see people around you having kids, the scope of your world grows and what you were no longer is.

As a parent, your journey changes and becomes entwined with the journey of the beings you're raising. Their journey becomes part of yours, maybe even the focus, or theirs becomes part of yours, but your journey is no longer your own. I do get that part, I just don't have the responsibility of being here for another person. I get that at a point in life, my journey is not my own. It gets diluted.

Whatever, all I'm saying is that my one little suicide is a raindrop on the ocean and is not going to make so much as a splash in the big picture. There are people who will feel it, but even they are just small lives. And what's more, they are all grown adults responsible for their own lives and how they deal with their own feelings.

So things are still developing, I guess, but it's all pointing to the same direction it has always pointed. It's just more comfortable now, and unless I suddenly become really selfish and decide to just keep living a pretty inconsequential life just for myself, I do expect something in the next few months.

I'm hoping the decision and conviction will be sudden, although I still have a fail-safe in that how I do it will still take a considerable amount of time, it won't be spontaneous. I'll know it when it's just too unbearable to be here anymore, and that's not a bad thing.