For some reason, I just didn't want to let December pass with only one entry posted. It shouldn't matter, and it doesn't. But this blog is the last connection I have with some existence outside of my head. It's the last place where I'm leaking into the material world, where there is any proof of my existence.

I'm not sure why any such proof is necessary. It's not for me, I know I'm still here. I'll know when I make a push to not be. It's like part of a contract with existence, having existed. It would be rude to existence, the privilege existence has given me, to not affirm it as long as I still exist.

I've continued to read interesting stuff that I've made strange connections with and between. Something about the Christmas season always has me ending up reflecting on Christianity, and this year I found and started reading Reading Judas: The Gospel of Judas and the Shaping of Christianity in a bookstore. I haven't finished it, and may not since the last time I was there I couldn't find it. 

It's a scholarly work, so it examines and questions and looks at evidence and facts objectively, as much as possible, to come to theories or conclusions. Reading Judas looks at the development of the writing of what became the canonical New Testament gospels, set against what was going on socially at the time, which was a lot of turmoil and disagreement and distress.

Any uniformity or consensus Christians today believe existed in the early Jesus movement was a brainwashing fiction that started as early as Paul, even while he himself was an extremely controversial figure in the movement. Scholars believe that rifts were huge between different groups who were preaching diverse meanings about the stories circulating around this Jesus character.

What I get out of it is that The Gospel of Judas was written from a certain political stance within the disparate Jesus movement, critical of an opposing stance on particular issues that were being argued. But in the same way, the canonical gospels were also doing the same thing, and the book analyzes how the Jesus story develops and gets embellished from gospel to gospel to support the stance of a particular side of the disagreements.

In the end, one side won and the other side lost. Roman Emperor Constantine became a Christian in the 4th century and formed the Nicene Council to come up with the canon. The Roman Empire became the Roman Catholic Church (as Mission of Burma tells it) and an entire side of Christianity was suppressed and wiped from history and only recently recovered in the 20th century with the discovery of the library at Nag Hammadi, the Gospel of Judas and to some extent the Dead Sea Scrolls.

The emphasis is on the mess that was the Jesus movement in the first few centuries following Jesus's death. And because one side won and the other side lost, Christians today only know one side of the story and don't realize the diversity of belief into the meaning of Jesus's death that existed and was being argued. They've been brainwashed to completely reject those other works.

And I connect this to another book I read at the library, Into Thin Air by Jon Krakauer. In short, the book is a first person account of a disaster that occurred on the upper slopes of Mt. Everest in May 1996, when 12 people ultimately ended up losing their lives in relation to the incident.

The connection is that the description of events turned out to be very controversial with various parties claiming differing versions of events. Adding in the altitude that rendered rationality questionable at best, no one really knows what happened up there, just as no one can authoritatively define what was going on with the Jesus movement in those first few centuries.

The internet is rife with commentators taking sides and vehemently opining and pointing condemning fingers when . . . they weren't there. They don't even know what it's like to be in the Death Zone on Everest and exercise little imagination to try.

It was a mess on Everest. It was a tragedy and bad decisions were made, but I think every individual did his or her best at any given moment. Krakauer does point out bad decisions, but I don't think he was blaming anyone or pointing fingers, but that's how other parties took it and it became a very public feud (not part of the controversy is Krakauer's condemnation of the asshole South African team and the reckless and uncooperative Taiwanese team that were on the mountain at the time. I take it those are accepted facts).

It was very emotional. It was strangely emotional for me reading it. Part of it is the connection of Everest with Tibet. But more of it is the drive of some people to climb Mt. Everest. Are these people nuts?

Now I've did my share of doing dumb in my day, putting myself recklessly into situations that were potentially harmful or dangerous. I understand the drive to push oneself to one's limits or even beyond – my limit being meager compared to anyone who even thinks of attempting Everest.

That's what cycling was all about. I cycled to climb. It was all about climbing relentless hills and hammering on through any hurt, and it never stopped being a thrill getting to the top of some challenge. And once I stopped being able to do hills because of age or alcoholism or diet, cycling became boring. Or at least something different.

I've mentioned my two San Francisco Marathons before, on the course before the organizers changed it because elite runners were threatening to boycott because the course was so hard. I admitted to myself after the second one that I wasn't emotionally prepared for it (not to put too fine a point on it, I wasn't emotionally prepared to run that second marathon).

It wasn't traumatic, but it haunted me for a whole month hence, and every day I spent 45 minutes to an hour obsessively going through the entire course in my head. I think I even got on my commuter road bike once and rode the entire course through. And it did effectively put an end to my running. I started cycling because my knees weren't recovering.

But to climb Mt. Everest? That's really rolling dice with your life. You sign up to climb Mt. Everest, there is no guarantee you're coming down alive. There's no guarantee you're coming down at all.

And I'm making this strange connection in my mind that suicide is my Everest. Pushing into unknown territory that may end in tragedy or a pay-off that no one else but a select few can hope to appreciate. Pushing towards suicide for a spiritual goal is . . . gambling with my life.

I would never think to climb Everest, I've felt altitude sickness at 18,000 feet in Tibet and there's no way I can imagine attempting 20,000, 24,000, 29,028 feet. That would be . . . suicide. But that's where I understand the drive of these people. That's why I felt emotionally involved in their attempt and why it felt personal when it became a tragedy.

Another book I just found at the bookstore that I want to start reading is The Essential Gnostic Gospels, a compilation which includes the Gospel of Judas. This is a collection of works and ideas that existed in the early Jesus movement that was suppressed by Constantine, the Roman Empire and the Nicene Council. The ideological losers.

This is the book that makes me separate Jesus from what Christianity became, because the Jesus portrayed in what are now known as the Gnostic Gospels is a character that makes me realize Jesus was really a big fucking deal in his time. The things these followers recorded make me feel he was on an elevated spiritual plane.

When exposed to canonical Christianity, I feel like I'm trying to be brainwashed. I should be impressed by walking on water or miracles . . . why? If he did, then he did and if you saw it, you saw it. Maybe I'd be just as amazed as seeing someone dribble a football (American). I'm more impressed when Thich Nhat Hanh, who has a deep respect for Jesus, said, "The miracle isn't walking on water, it's walking on land". That's shocking!

I should want heaven why? I should fear hell why? Such simple delineations which made me feel like they were trying to hoodwink me into something that didn't make any sense. Good? Evil? What the fuck?

And I shouldn't wonder the teachings in the Gnostic Gospels are also kabbalistic and buddhistic. The antithesis of the closed-minded exclusivity of what became Christianity – you're either with us or against us.

So many ways that Jesus's effect on the world went wrong, but from my initial readings of some of the Gnostic Gospels, I'm more convinced of one thing Christians got right, which is that Jesus was a big fucking deal. If they got his true teachings embodied in the Gnostic Gospels, that would be even better.

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 27, 3:36 p.m.

From the Zohar:
"'When you walk, it shall lead you; when you lie down it shall keep you and when you awake, it shall talk with you.' (Proverbs 6:22) 'When you walk, it shall lead you,' refers to the Torah that goes before a man when he dies. 'When you lie down, it shall keep you,' refers to the interval when the body lies in the grave, for at that time the body is judged and sentenced and the Torah acts in its defense. 'And when you awake, it shall talk with you,' refers to the time at which the dead rise from the dust.

"Rabbi Elazar quoted the verse: 'It shall talk with you' (Proverbs 6:22). Although the dead have just risen from the dust, they remember the Torah they studied before their death. They will know all they studied before departing the world. And everything shall be clearer than it was before death, for whatever he strove to understand yet did not successfully grasp, is now clear in his innermost parts. And the Torah speaks within him." p. 190-191, The Essential Zohar

What I found fascinating about this passage is that Christians probably interpret the quote from Proverbs as referring to faith. It's a very simple, direct interpretation: when you walk (go forth or act in the world), faith will lead you (whatever you do will be righteous); when you lie down (rest) it shall keep (protect) you; and when you awake, it shall talk to you (ask you what you want for breakfast inform you how to act). Often even more narrowly interpreted: faith in Jesus or an exclusive Christian, white male God. That normative, bland Christian interpretation is fine and obvious regarding physical, material life, but nothing to go on and on about.

But the Zohar interprets it in a manner that I can re-interpret as squaring with the Tibetan Book of the Dead. Tibetan Buddhism describes the life and death cycle with three bardos of living (conscious life, sleep and meditation), and three death bardos (the point of death, the bardo of reality, and the bardo of becoming).

My reading of the death bardos and the guidance the Tibetan Book of the Dead counsels is that what we're striving for in the death bardos is the same as what we're striving for in the living bardos. Or striving for enlightenment in the living bardos is training for attaining enlightenment in the death bardos. Life and death are mirrored realities.

Actually the three elements of the quote from Proverbs can apply both to the three living bardos and the three death bardos, but what's fascinating to me is that I can interpret what the Zohar says to the death bardos at all.

Tibetan Buddhism is very meticulous about the death process and what happens between one death and the next incarnation of a . . . person, a soul, karmic energy. But there seems to be little in Judaism or Kabbalah about the mechanics of what happens after death. Just a far off resurrection and judgment that Christians took and ridiculously interpreted literally.

The book I've been reading, The Essential Zohar, doesn't explicitly state or endorse any theory of reincarnation, but the author seems pretty open-minded about the possibility of Buddhism-like multiple lifetimes and reincarnation.

The Zohar interprets Proverbs 6:22 not as some vague notion of faith leading us forth in life, but Torah, i.e., spiritual cultivation, leading us through the death experience. It doesn't explicitly say that the "when you awake"/"dead rise from the dust" is reincarnation, but that's how I read it, because it then fits in with Tibetan Buddhist ontology (alternatively it might not refer to reincarnation, but the awakening in a "mental body" in the bardo of becoming that precedes reincarnation).

Torah is what we do with spiritual energy in our lifetimes, how we cultivate it or not cultivate it. It's also karma. When we die, we take nothing with us except our karma, the energy patterns and habits that we've indelibly stamped on our manifestation of some primordial energy that is the basis of our consciousness through our behavior and thoughts.

We don't take our possessions, our body, or memories or anything that relies on brain matter for existence. Memories and thoughts rely on brain matter. Karmic energy doesn't. Our karma has no relation to our identity as a person, because our identities also rely on thought and brain matter.

So when we die, it is only Torah that leads us. All else falls away and dissolves. Tibetan Buddhism describes the death-point bardo as being so subtle that only the highest levels of practitioners can achieve realization/enlightenment in it.

For ordinary beings, the dissolution of awareness of the physical body elements and mental consciousness elements is so shocking and unfamiliar and disconcerting that it is impossible to maintain any stability to achieve realization, and it goes by like the snap of a finger.

The interval in the grave where the Torah acts as a defense can be likened to the bardo of reality where we are immersed in the primordial energy of the universe that is the substratum of what our human consciousness has become on this planet.

It is enlightenment, but we don't know it because of our conception of physical reality from having lived previous lives on this planet, karma. Even in the Tibetan description of the bardo of becoming/rebirth, a judgment takes place because that's what naturally emerges in this state as the wisps of karmic memory recall what occurred in our previous life and there is some recognition of "right" and "wrong". Enlightenment can occur in this bardo upon the realization that the judgment is itself mind, or created by "mind", and that right and wrong are manifestations of mind and not concrete or objective judgments.

What is Torah defending us against? Our spiritual cultivation defends us in the bardo states against the notion created by the karma from physically having existed that worldly manifestation was some ultimate reality.

The final bardo of becoming in Tibetan Buddhism describes the process by which reincarnation takes place. At some point there is a crux between a prior life and future life, and if enlightenment isn't attained, our karmic energy moves towards a future life.

Torah shall talk to you when you rise from the dust. If you cultivated yourself spiritually, that survives the death process whereby you lose everything that depends on material existence. With rebirth, your karma still applies, and if you studied the Torah, the Torah will remain with you. You can continue to undertake the spiritual path you were on in a previous life, provided you studied the Torah.

They will know all they studied before departing the world. And everything shall be clearer than it was before death, for whatever he strove to understand yet did not successfully grasp, is now clear in his innermost parts. That is literally exactly what is said in the Tibetan Book of the Dead regarding the death bardo states.

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 7, 7:44 p.m.

Abraham is a pure embodiment of kindness and generosity. In kabbalistic terminology, his connection is with the Sefirah of Chesed. The energy of judgment and severity associated with the Sefirah of Gvurah is foreign to him – and that is precisely what the Adversary has revealed as an opening. As a foundation of the spiritual circuitry that must be flawlessly constructed if the redemption of humanity is ever to be realized, Abraham must be made a complete soul. That is the purpose of this last trial, as the Zohar makes clear.

"There was no judgment in Abraham previously. He had consisted entirely of kindness (Chesed). Now water was mixed with fire; kindness was mixed with judgment (Gvurah). Abraham did not achieve perfection until he prepared to execute judgment and establish it in its place." – The Essential Zohar, p. 148

This passage is in regard to the story of Abraham whereby the Creator demands that he make a sacrifice of his son, Isaac. I think – I'm no expert on biblical stories. I just have vague recollections of bits and pieces I've heard. And in "The Essential Zohar", the chapter name is "The Binding of Isaac".

The Sefirah (or Sephirot) mentioned are described differently by different sources, but I gather that they are energy states between the ultimate divine and material, human existence. They describe humanity's "distance from God", which is also a concept in Sufism. So they separate human from the divine.

There are about 10 Sephirot, and from the divine down, they each describe an energy state removed from the divine state. Or in reverse, they are like a ladder to be climbed towards the divine. Several of the Sephirot are directly associated with certain Jewish patriarchs, and here, Abraham is associated with Chesed, or mercy, sharing, loving-kindness.

Abraham is described as incomplete because he is purely Chesed, without a drop of Chesed's "negative" counterpart Sefirah, Gvurah, which is judgment or restriction.

The Adversary mentioned above is part of the divine mechanisms. Angels who are testing God's creation, partly out of spite for being told that Adam was closer to God than the angels. The Essential Zohar likens them to criminal defense attorneys, who might seem to be despicable, defending criminals and degenerates, but they serve a vital function in the justice system by creating balance. They ensure the legal process maintains the highest standards to protect citizens from possible abuses or over-zealous prosecution.

They see Abraham's perfect Chesed as a possible fault and request permission from the Creator to test his faith – would he maintain his faith when asked to do the unthinkable? So the Creator commands this perfect believer to make the ultimate sacrifice of his own son, who was born after much difficulty.

Abraham passes the test with flying colors, but in doing so, his being is infused with Gvurah, which was necessary to offer Isaac as a sacrifice until the Creator stopped him at the last second. Having the energy states of Chesed and Gvurah, Abraham is described as having his soul complete.

I love the description of the Sefirah as divine circuitry to connect humanity with the divine, angling for the ultimate redemption of humankind in the Garden of Eden.

What I get out of these concepts is that the Jewish patriarchs created the circuit pathways up the ladder of Sephirot for all humanity, all following generations. Abraham completed that particular connection for all of us so that we don't have to by ourselves. All we have to do is acknowledge Abraham's accomplishment within ourselves.

For example, living in a major urban city, I witness a lot of behavior that can be described as unmindful or even stupid. If I were 100% compassionate, I would cow down to such behaviors and just let them be and not be critical or judgmental.

But that's not necessarily the best course of action. Sometimes it's better to act in a way that's rude to them or even threatening to try to bring to their attention that they need to be mindful, too. That's Gvurah.

The intention must be correct, i.e. balanced with Chesed. If it's just Gvurah, then it's aggression or spite or anger. If the intention is compassionate, then an aggressive act is balanced with Chesed.

Abraham completed that circuit for me, and to the extent that I have it, I am grateful to Abraham.

I think these ideas can be linked with karma. Regarding the theory of reincarnation and karma, we don't take anything with us from one life to a subsequent one except our karma. And the establishment and recognition of the sephirotic circuitry is karma. It's one more step up the tree of life.

I had another lucid dream, but it was different from the previous time I was successful. This time I don't know if it was my dream. I'm pretty sure I wasn't me in it.

Also I don't remember whether the last time I came up into the lucid state from a lower dream state, but this time I felt I went down into it from a waking state. I was lying on my bed watching my breathing, aware of the constant chatter and internal conversation going on in my head, which gets more intense when you haven't had direct in-person social contact in months.

Then as I fell into a quasi-sleep state, I was aware of things in my mind becoming really vivid. I was only quasi-aware of this as well. I'm not sure what those things that were becoming vivid were, if it was my awareness, or my sense perceptions, or the thoughts.

But then I was in a dream state and still fully aware of myself, but the content of the dream suggested it wasn't me or my dream. I actually don't know how to describe it or what was going on. I was totally clueless in the dream.

All I can describe are the very basic impressions and those I'm really squeezing to interpret into physical words and are nothing like the experience.

There were two groups of people, one male and one female. The male portion came first and it was like some white boy institution, like a frat house or military academy. I did feel a basic fear being in that situation, but when I realized they weren't treating me differently or being racist, I just went along with the flow of the dream, the content of which I've completely forgotten.

I had no idea who I was and I don't think I said anything, I just played it cool, but at the same time I was fully aware I was dreaming and that as a dream it was completely unfamiliar territory.

Next I wandered "down the hall" or something to the female section of the dream, and when I walked in a door. A person behind the door closed the door and accosted me. At first I think it was a guy, but then it was clearly female and she was hostile and pinned me down, and I get the sense that it was some issue over a guy, and then I realized I must've been female.

I wasn't resisting or doing or saying anything. It wasn't my dream, I didn't know what to do so I just remained passive. But then I don't know if it was me consciously changing the tenor of the dream, but then the whole incident with this woman on top of me changed and started getting intimate. She was no longer pinning me down and there was a sexual energy beginning. This, no one should be surprised, I tried to encourage and maintain.

The way I came out of it was interesting, too, because the scene transitioned without me changing my position. Still on my back, I was suddenly in a room that had the atmosphere of maybe my uncle's house in Kaohsiung 30 years ago. I was lying on a bed trying to maintain the lucid dream and the feel of intimacy from the previous scene.

I think someone was there, maybe a cousin, bumping or making some noise on a bed next to mine and I was thinking, "darn, they're going to wake me up out of this", but I also thought that I was already awake and vainly trying to maintain the lucid dream.

But then I realized that no, this isn't my room. I tried to imagine my room but couldn't, so then I realized I was still in the dream. But trying to imagine my room was irresistible, and when I did, that's when I woke up.

I don't know if this has any significance, but right after I woke up, I started feeling a sharp pain in my gut, similar to several months ago, but then it resided. Then I felt I should go to the bathroom and surprisingly took the BIGGEST FUCKING DUMP EVER. It felt great, like all the pipes got cleaned out. If someone were to have told me I was full of shit, I would've replied, "Not anymore!!".

I've heard about people who practice lucid dreaming as a way to prepare for traveling through the death bardos. There's more than one source suggesting the closest to the Tibetan bardo experience we can come to while living is dreaming, and lucid dreaming is analogous to being in control through the bardos, rather than swept through like in a stormy current.

I did get the sense after this lucid dream that my reactions in the dream were the result of my practice and how I would ideally like to handle myself through the death bardos. However, my experience was still a duality, I still had a sense of me and everything else as other.

It is said that enlightenment comes when one realizes a non-dual oneness. If one can realize in the bardo that everything is a manifestation of oneself – no separation between oneself and everything perceived around us – that would be enlightenment. I didn't think of that in the lucid dream, but I did remain unattached to what was happening around me.

Short of enlightenment in the bardo, I think that's the best way to go through it: Not being pulled in by what you're perceiving, and not thinking it's real and reacting to it as if it were real, either positively or negatively, which is a function of one's basic karma, which is a function of one's experiences and actions during life.

If what I've been practicing and cultivating as I go about my daily life led to my reactions in this lucid dream, then I should have a good degree of confidence heading into the death bardos. It's not a cold detachment, which could lead to a lack of compassion, but a concerted effort to not be attached or feel aversion to my perceptions and experiences.

It's true that I'm not engaged in life going on around me, but I do think it's important to maintain a base attitude that's prepared to be engaged and to engage it with compassion. The fact that I'm not engaged is circumstantial. And I know it's a reality that I've created by myself.

I saw the sun today!! I even sallied forth into it!!! I couldn't believe it when I craned my neck looking up from my window, which otherwise looks out into an alley, and saw evidence of blue skies. This entire past week was completely rainy or cloudy. I kept track.

I didn't know what I wanted to do out there. I was still too suspicious to try to get on my bike because it still could cloud over quickly and start raining. I thought of going up to Danshui where I've decided should be the site of my next attempt, or I could go to the library and re-read more of The Essential Zohar.

I went out realistically thinking that I would end up in the library, but for all the resistance in me against going to Danshui, I rebelled and pushed myself towards that option and was finally on a bus towards the MRT that would take me to the northern-most station on the red line.

The MRT loosely follows the Danshui River northward and takes about 30 minutes to the terminal station. From there, it's still a bit of a hike to the mouth of the river where it empties into the Taiwan Strait – open seas. I'm not sure I would call today's trek a dress rehearsal; more just scouting out coastline locations.

And I did stand on the sand of the shoreline. The surf was rough and I wondered if I could even make it far enough out so that I would be taken out to sea and not pushed back to shore by the waves. I felt I didn't want to do it. I felt I couldn't do it. But I have to do it.

And if I do it, I confirmed this was a good location. I walked along the beach towards the touristy Fisherman's Wharf area. The sun was setting in the west and it was a bit windy, but not chilly. I couldn't believe it wasn't raining.

The midrash teaches that when Moses stretched out his hand over the waters, nothing happened. It was only when one man actually walked out into the waves that the Red Sea parted – but not until the water had reached his neck and he kept walking. Then and only then was certainty in the tools of Kabbalah really made manifest . . . Before we can live in this universe in a meaningful way, however, we should rid ourselves of the belief that we are helpless human beings about to drown in a stormy sea. – p. 107, The Essential Zohar

I love how this scene contrasts Christian portrayals, whereby Moses dramatically stretches his noble hand outward and by the grace of GOD the waters of the Red Sea part and he leads his withered and weathered people across. Here he stretches out his hand and nothing happens. Um, Moses?

It's not even Moses that heads into the water, it's "one man".

I jest. One man can be interpreted as the unity of the chosen people, that it's when all the people believed and were certain in their belief enough to just head into the surf that the Creator's miracle was manifested.

It wasn't the prophet Moses leading his unenlightened followers, it was the entire nation that manifested the miracle. I think this chapter was written about certainty as a requisite energy or attitude in the pathways to the divine.

I think it was written that the Jews left Egypt with their "weapons", and the Zohar interprets "weapons" as miracles, but access to these miracles was contingent upon certainty that they were thus armed. They had to be confident and positive.

There was a very slight drizzle in my neighborhood after I got off the bus coming back from Danshui, but it didn't develop into a full-blown rain.

In the study of Kabbalah and the Zohar, we begin to see that any activity that connects us with another dimension of consciousness – be it drink, drugs, sex, meditation or prayer – draws Light to us. Rarely, if ever, is abstention recommended by the Zohar in regard to any of these vehicles. Rather we are guided to recognize temperance as the appropriate approach. To deserve a greater amount of Light, we must work on and strengthen our spiritual Vessel. If we allow ourselves to "imbibe" large amounts of Light without having done that work, we will not be able to contain what we receive. We will become "drunk", incapacitated, and allow chaos free rein. Noah's sin was not in the physical act of drinking, but in drinking's metaphorical connotations. His drunkenness represented connection to a more intense level of Light than his spiritual Vessel could tolerate. - p. 104, The Essential Zohar

It was interesting coming across this passage after the last post (I'm re-reading the book at the library, copying parts). I think I had been flirting unintentionally with alcohol poisoning, leading to how I got to be feeling, but perhaps also exceeding my "spiritual" tolerance.

The passage reminded me that even through this downward spiral of maybe drinking myself to death, that I need to keep in mind what is important and try to keep certain "channels" clear. That's another thing I like about Kabbalah – its explanation of channels to the divine; energy paths similar in Tibetan Buddhism.

The "amount of Light" we can handle is also a concept I learned about in college as "spiritual aptitude". Buddhism in general reflects this idea as "expedient means", whereby the Buddha – also Jesus according to the gnostic teachings – identified who was ready for what level of teachings, and taught selectively.

Don't even try to teach kabbalistic ideas of the first five books of the Old Testament to a white, conservative Republican in the U.S., among others, because their spiritual aptitude is so low that they can only be allowed the dimmest amount of Light through a literal interpretation of scripture. It's still Light, however, so just let them follow their path. At least they have some meager sense of spirituality in their karma. And all of us who believe in these ideas were once at that point.

At first, I thought the above passage was making an analogy between drinking and getting drunk with the amount of Light one has the spiritual aptitude for and taking too much, and that they were different things. I thought it meant my drinking should be seen as an analogy of what I'm doing spiritually.

But it's not an analogy, it's literal and interconnected. The passage prima facie states that drinking has a spiritual dimension and abstention is not the purpose of the teachings.

Even through my drinking, I have to maintain awareness of my spiritual energies and not fall into chaos, which my last post seems to hint at. "Wasting away in my apartment" is chaos. It's losing the meditation.

I recognize that nothing about Kabbalah justifies drinking myself to death. It's a risky path even for me, but it's one that I've tried to keep narrowly well-defined. The most important thing for me about moving towards death is to not let chaos take over.

I'm wondering what I'm holding onto as my life unravels and falls apart. I put down my thoughts and ideas while realizing none of this has any meaning. I look at my life from all kinds of different angles and I can't see any meaning. I know my time on this planet hasn't been useless, I do think I have impacted some people's lives, but that doesn't mean it has meaning.

It's just plain ridiculous that I'm still here, letting things get bleaker and bleaker. I never would've guessed I would go out so pathetically, wasting away in my apartment.

My health may be taking a nosedive. My body feels like it's becoming unable to cope with my drinking (it's about time). I'm noticing more changes, but insomnia has also hit hard recently and isn't showing signs of relenting, and insomnia fucks you up real good.

The weather isn't helping, either. Relentless drear contributing to the decline.

Lots of nausea recently. Lots of feeling like throwing up, but having nothing to throw up as I don't have any appetite left, so there's not much in my stomach to throw up.

Not helping that matter is that I am forcing myself to continue drinking. My body is starting to resist. I don't know if it's psychological or physiological, but my body is trying to tell me to stop. It's getting hard to get shots down, and gagging has become part of the process as I force the poison down.

Generally feeling bad all the time. I'm not complaining, it's what I want, it's what I've caused. I just wish I can get it over with.

This autumn has been a boon for K-pop girl groups with a plethora of comebacks by top acts. In Korean entertainment, "comeback" doesn't refer to a return from some fall from grace. It just means a new song from a group that has already debuted.

They're called "idol" groups, which I think has become a palatable term because of shows like "American Idol". In Korea it just refers to pop music celebrities, and it's a term adopted from the Japanese pop music scene, "idoru", which of course is taken from "idol".

When I first heard the Japanese use of the word several decades back, I didn't like it because the idea of an "idol" or something that is idolized was an afront to respectable musicianship. An idol was something superficial and glossy; an image that could be manufactured. "Real" musicians and songwriters garnered respect.

For the Japanese, any singer or music group popular enough to appear on TV shows was considered an "idoru", including what I consider legitimate rock bands that aren't corporately manufactured, and who write their own music and play their own instruments.

In Korea, that latter group, from what I gather as an outsider, doesn't get much international exposure or attention. Music is almost all corporate and manufactured with relatively few national artists who write and create their own product. And even though that's something that generally offends me everywhere else, I've somehow accepted it in Korea.

I tell myself it's because the songwriting is good. I still think I'm a discerning listener. Otherwise, I'm not sure where my change of heart occurred. It may be midlife crisis, watching these girls half my age strut their stuff, but I insist it's not prurient interest. If the music isn't good, I'm not going to watch or follow them no matter how "sexy" they are.

And I think I've mentioned before that I still can't stand Western, Japanese or Taiwanese pop music on the basis that the songwriting is still offensively bad. I'm still not discounting the possibility of the future life resonance idea, and the fact that I've out of the blue honed in specifically to Korean music and no other, adding that music is my big love in this life, might speak to that.

So be warned, major K-pop girl group geeking out follows, stop reading if it's not a place to which you're willing to go:

So far, this autumn has seen four top acts make their comeback stages. Kara was the first, followed by Brown Eyed Girls a few weeks later, and then finally Secret and Girls' Generation (SNSD) simultaneously began their new promotions head-to-head (note my consistency: members of all four groups were on Invincible Youth).

My personal tastes rate Brown Eyed Girls' "Sixth Sense" as the best quality of these comebacks. The lead track off their album was actually a song called "Hot Shot" which I initially liked better for its Latin groove, but their main promotion was for "Sixth Sense".

Brown Eyed Girls are a bit of an anomaly in the idol scene because three of the four members are considered advanced in age at 30. Only one member is 24 (Ga-in). But they are with a smaller agency and I gather they have a lot more creative and artistic control than younger idol groups on bigger labels. I also heard that Je-a and Miryo earn copyright royalties because Je-a writes and Miryo takes credit for her own raps.

And even though their stage performances have choreography, they are recognized for their vocal talents, and the media has covered their vocal skills during this comeback, highlighted towards the end of "Sixth Sense" after Miryo's rap section when first Je-a hits a big note, followed by Ga-in and Narsha hitting high falsetto notes (I would also note the subtle background vocals during those high notes which are pretty cool, but not necessarily noticeable unless paying attention to them).

When top acts first make their comeback stages, they're usually allowed to perform two songs, one a truncated version of a second song (in this case "Hot Shot") before going into their main promotion:



Secret's "Love is Move" hooked me immediately, so I would rate it as a very close second.

I thought the only thing that would prevent it from taking number one spots on TV programs is that it was directly going against SNSD's comeback, a Daniel and Goliath battle where Secret didn't have a chance. The thing is that SNSD's comeback was supposed to come a few weeks earlier, but then they changed their plans and ended up releasing simultaneously with Secret.

I applaud Secret for not changing their plans as other groups did to avoid competition with SNSD. Secret and their management seemed confident about their product and even if they wouldn't get number ones on the TV programs, they weren't going to change their plans. That I respect.

It's just a rocking, bopping romp that's a lot of fun.



Kara made a splash with the first autumn comeback, "Step", and I rate it third best among them. The synth blare kinda put me off at first, but the track grew on me:



Finally, SNSD came out with their much-hyped comeback, but it was quite a disappointment for me, if not for SNSD fans. The song is still dominating, but to my ears it isn't great. Certainly not as catchy as their two previously promoted songs, the Japanese language Mr. Taxi and last year's Hoot.

The song was hyped as being created by Teddy Riley who was behind Michael Jackson's "Dangerous", but to me that's a big so what? and indicative of what I don't like about corporate pop music in general.

This track has some good qualities and has grown on me through the promotions, but I wouldn't go out of my way to listen to or watch this track. I'm not a big fan of the fact that there is no bass, and therefore lacks oomph.

I can't fault SNSD's execution as they present their parts and choreography professionally and flawlessly. But in the end I think the success of this track lies in the fact that it's SNSD.



Autumn comebacks are still anticipated by Wonder Girls and T-ara (another Invincible Youth member group).

It is just a decision I just have to make now. Nothing's pushing me, nothing's pulling me.

I'm just here, just existing in a basic metabolizing human existence without any social function or meaning, waiting for myself to make a simple yes-no decision. Or rather a when decision, which will then determine the yes-no decision which I can't make until I'm at the brink again.

Then there's my fallback position of cowardly hoping that renal failure comes swiftly. "Cowardly"? Yea, I'll own up to that being cowardly, as it would be the result I've forced indirectly because of the failure of being proactive in this aspiration.

Letting go of this life in an affirmative act of deeply acknowledging the impermanence of any given human lifetime, with faith that it is an understanding and a step towards enlightenment and the belief that reincarnation is a natural cycle that has developed on this planet until enlightenment is attained to escape that cycle. Enlightenment possibly just a natural energy state of the universe.

That's a whole nother discussion, though, about why we live our lives, why we exist, why we suffer, why not, what's wrong with living life even if there's suffering, why should we try to escape, what's so great about enlightenment, etc., etc.

Me, I can barely get out of bed. When I get out of bed, I can barely get off the internet. When I get off the internet and don't go back to lying on my bed, I barely can get out of my apartment. I get out of my apartment to get something to eat and buy alcohol.

But I've more or less lost my appetite. When I do get something to eat, I feel bloated and nauseous afterwards. I'm thinking of trying an even unhealthier diet of just snacking out of convenient stores. Sandwiches, onigiri and salads.

My alcohol consumption has increased, and my general habit of buying a bottle of liquor every other day has slightly increased, whereby every few days I end up buying a bottle on a consecutive day. I'll determine I need to buy a new bottle while looking at a bottle that I just bought yesterday.

And I'm starting to feel the effects of alcohol more acutely. It's making me feel sicker. Sometimes it's hard to drink, sometimes the smell makes me nauseous. Sometimes I feel some sort of alcoholic lethargy in which I just crash and end up lying in bed drifting in and out of consciousness or sleep while the TV drones on in the background for hours until I recover and then get back on the internet and drink again. Woof, maybe a little too honest here.

I mentioned the constant cloudy and rainy weather here, but these past two days have been bright, sunny and warm, and even with constant self-entreaties to just get out into the sunlight, I've been unable to.

So all I have left is this one decision to make. The decision of when I'm going to go out to the brink and either do it or face up that I can't do it. And realize that if I don't do it, things get bleak. Nothing about living on looks in the least appealing. Going back to the U.S. would signal the start of some sort of nightmare. Yet, it's strangely possible.

What I also loved about the book on Kabbalah I just read is that the Zohar indicates that the scripture is all about symbols and metaphor that must be decoded to be correctly interpreted towards a divine understanding. It's not what it seems on its face.

That's the way I was taught to watch films in a religion class I took in college that had a film syllabus. Always look for the symbols (of course you have to know what the symbols are to spot them), and look for a subtext of what a director's message might be, expressed through metaphor.

Actually that second part I learned in law school in a class that also used a film syllabus making parallels between trends happening in law and society at the time certain films were made and how the films reflected those trends.

Basically those two classes taught me to view films broadly and look for subtle meaning that might not be obvious if just watching the film as entertainment. Looking for meaning in films is about the same as always being on the look out for learning in life. It's a metaphor. Bam.

If we're going through life without learning, but just to be entertained, it's sort of condemning ourselves to meaningless existence and ignorance. We can put on our tombstones, "He/She was entertained". Or as Roger Waters put it, "Amused to death".

It's like having and raising children without any thought that there's so much to learn from them. Easily equally as much as they have to learn from you.

I also like the idea of looking at our own lives and the lives of the people around us as metaphors or having a larger meaning than we might realize; a reason.

There was a funny story in "The Essential Zohar" about a deluge starting to come down looking like it could challenge the great flood of Noah fame. It rains so hard for several days that it starts to flood. The police send out a car to a pious old man in the country to evacuate him, but the old man refuses to leave, saying, "I have faith in God. God will protect me from harm".

Several days later, the water has risen up to the first floor ceiling and the police arrive in a boat to evacuate him, but he says, "I have faith in God". After a few more days, the old man's house is inundated and he's sitting on top of the chimney, and the authorities send a helicopter to airlift him, but he's adamant in his faith, "God will protect me".

Finally, the waters keep rising and the man drowns. When the man meets his maker, he implores the Creator, "I had such faith in you, why didn't you protect me?", to which the Creator replied, "What do you think the police car, the boat and the helicopter were?!!"

I dunno. Earlier this year, I read Paulo Coelho's "The Alchemist" and wasn't impressed. One of the main themes in that book is that when your heart truly desires something, the world conspires to help manifest it.

I sarcastically thought, "Oh great, I really want to commit suicide, so according to this book's insight, the world is conspiring for me to kill myself".

Well, actually it's true.

I myself have personally led my life to where I am now, and I've set up the conditions and situation that is perfect for me to go ahead and execute it. Not only all the conditions favor it, but all the people in my life are all complicit in encouraging it, without them even knowing it.

You wouldn't believe how many times I've heard the same message from everyone in recent memory: "Follow your heart", "Do what your heart tells you to do". I even asked, "What if what my heart tells me to do is something that other people would have a lot of trouble accepting?". The answer: "You're only accountable to yourself". And I can't argue with that.

The type of parents I have and my relationship with them, and the nature of all of my relationships all feature such a disconnect that they are of no consideration or impediment. I've wounded myself emotionally and fractured and shattered my reality to the extent that re-integration into any kind of living life would be traumatic.

Everyone wants me to be happy. Fulfilling this life's mission to kill myself would make me happy, because I believe it will advance me on the spiritual path. I'm too attached to a notion of self or ego to advance further, I've hit a wall, and the symbolic gesture of intentionally throwing a lifetime away would help impress upon my karma that any particular self, any particular incarnation, is impermanent and shouldn't be attached to.

It would be better if I could sacrifice myself for some cause, for the good of other people. The stories of the Buddha recount how he recalls his previous lives and in many of them he sacrificed his life for the benefit of others, but I'm doing this for starters. Just end this life, don't be attached to it.

It's also good to remember that I do believe that death is not an end. Death as an end is just a perception. Another interpretation is that it's a transformation or a passage. Jews don't overtly expound reincarnation, but "The Essential Zohar" repeatedly implies that reincarnation is a feature of how the world was created.

Once I get past this wall, I hope that I can develop more compassion, or bodhicitta, so that sacrificing myself for others will be a more stable concept. Bodhicitta is a concept in Kabbalah, too, but it's called "desire for the sake of sharing", as opposed to desire for the sake of oneself, which is the normative human attitude.

And in Buddhistic terms, Abraham was certainly a bodhisattva.

Me, I'm just here being attached to this selfish existence.

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I wonder if the La Niña phenomena is the reason for particularly rainy years in Taiwan. This year has been one of them, similar to my first two years here. The interim two years weren't rainy and I remember them being pretty nice. This summer it rained just about every day in the afternoon like monsoon rains. And personally, I haven't seen much sunlight in quite a while. I suspect it has something to do with La Niña.

The past few weeks – I haven't been counting – but at least two weeks have been block cloudy or rainy. Yesterday was a rare sunny day and I decided to take my road bike out in the evening. Even riding has become a bore to me, but I just rode casual out to the confluence where the Keelung River empties into the Danshui River, which then continues northward to empty into the Taiwan Strait.

The significance of going to the confluence of those rivers is that it feels like a large body of water there. The Danshui is already pretty wide by then, being the end result of the Dahan, Xindian and Jingmei rivers; and where the Keelung River waters are finally added, it's quite a large basin and feels more oceanic than just sitting by a riverside.

Confusion. Conflict. Don't want. Must. Where I've led my life.

I stayed there for a while, taking in the vibe of being by the water, simulating the feeling of what I want to do. I was conflicted. I don't want to do this. I have to do this. It is where I've led my life. If I decide against it, all roads forward look bad. Really bad.

Not just difficult, not just challenging, but they put me in a bad place. They take me out of the light and into the darkness. It's not that I don't think I can handle the darkness with these years of mindfulness training, but I don't think I have the strength to maintain myself in this kind of darkness that can get worse and worse to the point where I can get lost in mental illness and lose all the training.

I'm reading a book I found in the public library on Kabbalah, the so-called mystical aspect of Judaism. The book is The Essential Zohar: The Source of Kabbalistic Wisdom and it's been a while since I've read a book that made me feel spiritual after reading it.

What's special about this book is that it explains the Zohar, the main book of Kabbalah, as applying outside the Jewish tradition while still drawing on the Jewish references of the Torah. The difference between this book and other books on Kabbalah and Zohar is that it's not just Jewish. There isn't an insider-outsider aspect. This book emphasizes that Kabbalah wisdom applies to anyone seeking divine truths, and with this kind of premise in the author's mind I found from a Buddhistic perspective this all fits in perfectly with my understanding of Buddhist understanding. It's a universal teaching of spiritual or divine wisdom.

An interesting aspect of this book is that the Zohar claims that the Tanakh, the Hebrew Bible, the first part of which is the Torah, is coded wisdom. If you just read it straight, it's possible to get nothing out of it but ancient stories (the first five books of the Christian Old Testament is pretty much the Torah verbatim, distorting it out of its Jewish origins and transplanting it in a Christian context). The Zohar decodes the Tanakh and explains all the symbolism in terms of what the Creator intended. This book in a way is a decoding of Zohar to apply to spirituality in general so that it is inclusive of anyone on a spiritual path. As such, the decoded Tanakh, via the decoded Zohar fits in suitably well with a Tibetan Buddhistic understanding of the universe.

I wish I could go into some detail but that might lead to a need for a deeper explication and that would just be a burden, I shouldn't wonder. You have to take my word for it. But a recent moment I had with the book is a passage where the author says that divine blessings will only come to anyone who sincerely studies the Torah (paraphrasing). I'm not Jewish, I don't study the Torah in any conventional sense, but I thought that if that statement were right, then I should consider myself as someone who studies the Torah. And in the next sentence, the author confirms that by studying the Torah, it's not literally studying the pages of the Torah, but anyone seeking truth to the light of the divine (paraphrasing).

The Jewish scriptures are all code according to the Zohar. Which means when the Jews are "the chosen people", Jews are code for people on the spiritual path no matter what faith. And Jews who aren't on the spiritual path can't be considered of "the chosen people". It's pretty radical stuff which rings very true to me, but then I remember that Kabbalah is described as "mystical", and as opposed to religious orthodoxies, mysticism has generally been looked down upon through the ages.

Sufism, the mystic sect of Islam is largely discarded and persecuted by Shiites and Sunnis. Christianity's Gnostic Gospels are ignored by the mainstreams, but I've read some of the Gnostic Gospels, including the recently discovered and published Gospel of Judas, and if they had taken hold or had been included in the canon, I'd have a different opinion about Christianity. The Gnostic Gospels describe the Jesus story in terms of the divine, rather than . . . blind faith towards what facially just doesn't make any sense. For me, the Jesus story as described in the Gnostic Gospels makes divine sense.

Why haven't I done what I want to do? My head is still too filled up with things that I'm attached to. There's still just too much superficial stuff going on around and around in my head...

Some of the worst thoughts about not wanting to pursue this aspiration come to me when I first wake up. Then as I gain more normative consciousness, a more rational mindset occurs, for better or worse. Worse, because I find myself confused or conflicted.

Regarding all this stuff in my head, I hold to the mantra that nothing whatsoever should be clung to. So even if I have certain mental preoccupations and tendencies that suggest that I'm still attached to certain things, I'm still constantly telling myself to not be attached to these things.

Experience them, but don't be attached. And I hope the mental karma of the tendency of telling myself not to be attached is stronger than the mental karma of the suggestion of attachment. By karma, I mean anything experienced through the senses which contributes to the unenlightened notion that I'm an independent, continuous, self-existing entity in the universe.

Furthermore, I'm still impressed from going way back into my archives and realizing my goal has been constant over years and years. OK, decades, I'm old! It's possible that a tendency towards suicide as a mental illness can persist across the span of time as it has for me, but in those cases, I think there are always signs of mental illness that manifest that other people can recognize.

I don't think I'm mentally ill, although I may exhibit behaviors that are symptomatic of mental illness. I even recognize them myself (which in an inverted Catch-22 confirms I'm not mentally ill). For me the symptoms are kind of a pathway to my unorthodox goal. Other people get there from being mentally ill, which I suppose is too bad and warrants sympathy.

There must be a peer group somewhere in the world for people like me. It would be a whole lot easier if I had a support group. Not just one willing to send me off, but also understands the reasons I'm doing this. I also wouldn't mind a ride if anyone has a car.

I'm sure I've said this before, but I know if I don't do this, it's not going to go away, and it will continually come up as an issue. I'd like it to be now. I'm trying for now. For the past several months I've kept it just a few days ahead. Walls, I'm thinking of calling them. And they've all been soft walls as I've just blown through them.

I'm starting to face hard walls now, meaning that if I continue to blow past the days without doing anything, it's getting more and more dire, ultimately ending in a decision to return to the States. By year's end at the latest.

Hard walls because if I don't go through with it, everything looks bad. From the simple logistics of moving back to the States to the long term realization that I'm not resolving anything and will end up back in this position again.

Hm, "not resolving". . . life is about solving problems and resolving issues. It's not that I'm trying to resolve anything. If I continue living, then resolution becomes an issue, a necessity. My paradigm is that it is not an issue. Or not supposed to be an issue. Or learning on the spiritual path that it's really not an issue.

My paradigm is that this just has to happen. This is what I need to do. I'm not supposed to need to resolve anything!

If for some reason I'm able to achieve what I want, no one will know what the last months of my life were like. Which is actually all for the better. No one needs to know. Just trying to maintain practice while not actually practicing.

No real highs, aside from the regular highs of mindful awareness of being alive and breathing, and in particular positive emotions through human expression through media . . . specifically Korean media, which seems really superficial, but that's where I ended up. Emotional highs also in listening to music.

No real lows, aside from a growing ennui and difficulty of getting through each day to day and wondering how I got to this point, which inevitably leads me to remind myself that I got here by leading myself here. No mystery.

Is it too late for my other useless thoughts?

Thoughts like about the Occupy Wall St. protests. My heart is with them, but I don't think they'll bring about any change. My feeling is that the fundamental flaw with modern Western capitalism is that it's driven by greed and a wealth incentive, and that the benchmark for success is perpetual growth. Only if an economy is constantly growing and growing is it considered to be healthy and successful.

On its face, that is not sustainable. It's not even taking sustainability into consideration; just growth, growth, growth. This kind of economic growth requires the population to continue growing to maintain a consumer and labor base. And the population is growing, but this constant population growth also means all these people need to be fed and supply chains need to be maintained and the waste they create needs to be managed on greater and greater scales. I just don't see how it's sustainable.

And when I hear about the growing and looming economic crisis in Europe and the U.S. and the solutions being put forth to solve it, the solutions are just to shore up the unsustainable status quo. Very few people are thinking that the entire way of thinking needs to be re-thought.

Thoughts like how Obama really dropped the ball and it looks like he may become a one-term president. He hasn't been the agent for change he proclaimed to be and at every turn he has just maintained the status quo.

I thought the bailouts of the auto and financial industries were mistakes. If they were businesses that were failing, there were reasons why they were failing, and as capitalism dictates business that don't have the wherewithal to succeed should be allowed to fail. The whole idea of businesses that are "too big to fail" excuse for bailing them out was a betrayal of capitalism and it applied socialism, if not selective communism, to the big corporations who least deserved it.

The hard part about analyzing that is the auto industry looks like it's being responsible with the bailout and getting themselves back on their feet and paying back the loan. But the same can't be said about the finance industry who took the bailout money and treated themselves to lavish retreats, and I don't think they ever thought it necessary to pay the loan back. For them, it was "woohoo, money, let's spend it".

In retrospect, those two different behaviors do make sense. The auto industry has a tangible product they're putting out and the companies themselves are something the corporate boards are invested in. They cared about the survival of their companies and realized what they'd be losing if they failed. The financial industry on the other hand, all they see is the money they are getting. They don't care about the companies or the industry. If they fail they just go find a job somewhere else.

So what? Do I think those companies should have failed bringing on the possible collapse of capitalism? Well, I don't think bailing those corporations out will prevent the fall of capitalism, and from the crisis happening in Europe and looming over the U.S. I don't think it's out of the question that capitalism may collapse. When Soviet communism collapsed, I remember some short-sighted commentator declaring it was the "end of history". Capitalism triumphs. At the time I remember thinking how arrogant and stupid that comment was and that capitalism could also fall, but I had no idea what it would look like or what would replace it.

Now with the debt crisis looming, I can see what capitalism collapsing looks like. Just look at Greece 2011 and apply it to everywhere. There's just no more money after years of partying on credit. Capitalism was a fairy tale that was maintained on a collective imagination that wealth will constantly grow and grow, sustainability be damned. But when everyone realizes there is no money, there's just no where to go but in debt, and I don't know what opposite of growth there is other than in debt.

Thoughts about cosmology that I haven't written about in a long time because I realized that there is a lot wanting in such a theoretical field where scientists push forward their findings as facts, but where many cosmological studies are based on our limited observational abilities from our one tiny perspective in the vastness of the universe and can't be directly experimented on and subjected to the scientific method. True, a lot can be verified. Einstein's theory of relativity has been verified through space missions and predictions and observational confirmation. The Large Hadron Collider will also no doubt make inroads into the veracity of more areas of quantum mechanics. 

But other fundamental theories that are generally accepted such as the Big Bang and Inflation theories, I don't know anymore. Cosmic acceleration has also been generally accepted just years after observational findings but I want to question the observational methodology. Might we be misreading the data? Five hundred years from now, the Big Bang, inflation, cosmic acceleration are all theories that may fall by the wayside, just as many ideas from five hundred years ago have now been disproven. We can't go somewhere and test those theories scientifically. We can only read the observational data and our readings may be chauvinistic and wrong. At the core of our error might be our human chauvinism. As humans, we have our senses to observe the universe, but our human senses are limited. They are not the only way to view the universe. Our senses evolved for survival on this planet, in this environment.

In a universal environment – the environment of the entire universe – what is ultimately, objectively "perceivable", or what is there, is not necessarily what can be perceived by us. We need special instruments to observe things in different electromagnetic wavelengths and that may just be the tip of the iceberg. There are things beyond our senses that we can build instruments to detect, but there also may be things completely beyond our understanding or conception. I've read theories about how there may be areas of the universe where the physics is completely different from ours in a multiverse within one "universe" and there's no way to prove or disprove these theories. And that's the point.

Science is currently unable to detect anything that may be considered "spiritual".

The scientific method is terrific for what can be subjected to it, but a lot of cosmology and astrophysics can't be subjected to it. We can't go to these far off places and observe the strange phenomena and definitively say it's scientific fact. We can only report what we observe from countless light years away and propose our best guess to explain what we observe. There's always the possibility that we're misreading the data and in centuries to come a better understanding with better proof will emerge.

Where I am may perhaps look bleak, but I keep reminding myself that this is where I've brought myself, and as such I can just accept it and keep looking at what I'm trying to do in the face.

I don't know when was the last time I saw someone I know. I'm pretty sure it was my former Mandarin teacher for a language exchange. I think that might have been in June. She asked about meeting up maybe a month or two ago, but I declined. I was already in my groove. I don't owe anyone anything. Not even meeting up. And I've completely given up on even pretending to study Mandarin. No matter what happens, there's just no point to it.

Tako, a former Taipei acquaintance, messaged me about meeting up about a month ago. She said she wanted to meet with me before she left for Australia. I had no idea that she was going to Australia. I think I last saw her in March. I declined. I told her I didn't want to meet up just to say goodbye. That may have been just a dramatic way of covering up how I don't feel comfortable in any social situation anymore. I don't think I could keep a simple conversation, perhaps merely for the reason that I'd get too bored even trying to maintain one.

I've lost interest in my web presence. One by one, each of my sites have fallen by the wayside. There's just this one last blog here and a very meager presence on Facebook. Photography is now totally gone. No interest, no seeing.

I keep my phone turned off for most part because I got sick of it reminding me to recharge it every few days. I turned it on today and found 2 text messages from cousins. I'll respond to one because all she wants to know is that everything is alright. I'll tell her everything is alright and that should be the end of that. The other message isn't even worth consideration. It was an obligatory text that I'm guessing some other family member pushed him to send because he's in Taipei. I really don't know what these people are doing. If they wanted to be in contact with me, they should've contacted me before. Now I'm simply not interested.

Insomnia still occasionally visits, as do spells of drowning in sleep. The bottle-of-alcohol-every-other-day buying persists. Lying on my bed for long periods of time while unable to do anything else listening to music on my iPod sounds like depressive behavior, but music is still such a joy. I'm still working on the illusion of music being a source of anything substantial. Certainly not something that should or could be clung to.

I still don't know why I'm balking at the next attempt. It's definitely the only thing what's next.

I've completely stopped morning sitting under the realization that what usually goes on during morning sitting now – considering my day-to-day life – occurs all day long. Even at the monastery, morning sitting had its place to set a precedent for the day ahead, which was a mindset that still engaged the world and physical reality. There still was a separation there. I'm so disengaged from the world now, my entire days are spent in the same mindset as sitting. To the extent that I get distracted throughout a day from general mindfulness, I also experienced those distractions during sitting.

I also continue to engage in the Tibetan teachings of the bardo and Dzogchen trainings. I'm not sure of the efficacy of reading about them without a teacher, but pursuing a teacher in this lifetime is something I've long rejected. I didn't even realize I'd been exposed to Dzogchen trainings until I started picking through random books on Tibetan teachings and finding remarkably similar things being said. That's because they've all received the same training and are trying to convey the efficacy of that training, and it is the Dzogchen method, philosophy and teachings.

Am I a Dzogchen practitioner? Without a teacher I'll err on the side of not (er . . . no). But still, I'm open to the idea that in past lives I've had a teacher and I've already been initiated in these practices and that's why they resonate or are acceptable to me in this life. 

Most recently I've been attacking the concept of "I". "ME". Mindfulness training teaches to be aware of oneself – what we're doing, what we're feeling – at all times. Aware of external stimuli from all five senses and aware of the amalgam of the stimuli which renders our perception and consciousness. At each point of awareness I tell myself to not be attached to it, not be attached to this, not to cling to any idea that this is "ME". It's all construct like in "The Matrix", but in reality there is no malevolent force or a war against artificial intelligence. It's just the nature of physical, manifested reality that has naturally developed on this planet.

It's a matter of focusing on my senses and abiding in how my perception of "I", myself, is falsely created by my senses. Is what I'm perceiving through sight me? Is it me? Is it my identity? Same with sound, smell, taste and touch. I have these perceptions and they create my picture of reality, but what is the "I" they seem to be feeding? When these senses are destroyed, the perception is gone and then what is reality?

It's not easy. I'm still here, so I'm still very attached to something.

I've also been attacking my attachment to music and the desire that emanates from listening to music – the idea that music is a source of enjoyment. This is the hardest thing possible for me. Other people may have trouble detaching from the concept of self and I, which most people consider absolute reality, but their trouble with that translates to me in my perception and reaction towards enjoyment of music. One main thing that I have not been able to remove from my perception of SELF is that music is a source of great enjoyment. It may be this enjoyment that is my greatest failing, which is that I'm still here. But this enjoyment of music is not ultimate reality. It's subjective, it's constructed, it should be the easiest of things that can be taken apart under scrutiny of the nature of reality and mind. 

I've been using the techniques to analyze other areas of attachment to and debunking of perceived, physical reality to music. What is it that I'm listening to? What is my reaction? Why am I reacting this way? Why do I find this pleasure in what I'm listening to? I take music apart, focusing on the rhythm, the melody, the individual instruments and how they come together and there is nothing I can point to that I can attach with the feeling of "enjoyment". That enjoyment is just fact, separate from any deconstruction or analysis. 

Yet, I know it is not like that. Enjoyment is fleeting. This kind of enjoyment is by its nature also suffering. The intellectual answer is clear: there is no reason. Music and the pleasure I take from it isn't some objective phenomena that is able to be recreated and passed on and explained. My emotional response is something I need to take apart and understand for what it is. It doesn't mean not enjoying it, but rather not being attached to it.

The draft of this post is from Sept. 4. I can't believe it's the end of September already. Summer's well over, even in Taiwan, and I totally missed it. It's almost October. October, November . . . December. Just the thought of moving into the winter months is encouragement to get on with it already.

I've been in a state of limbo. I'm not moving. I know what's next, what has to come next, but it's still up to me to make it happen. No one else is going to do it for me, no one's gonna help make it happen. As such, I'm biding my time, not rushing into it.

I think one of Morrie's quotes regarding his view on life and terminal illness was, "Hold on, but don't hold on for too long". I don't have a terminal illness, but I know what has to be next. As for holding on for too long, I think I already have. It's kinda moot at this point.

I'm fine with "not rushing into it". This isn't "neurotic dysfunction". Before, I used to deride myself when I'd make excuses not to move on, that my plan and aspiration were fake and that it wasn't going to happen, and something would always come up for me to carry on for a bit longer, and that would occur in perpetuity because that was my psychological makeup.

I do feel now that where I am is my final end state. I'm in limbo in this final end state, stewing in it, continuing the meditations and observations. I have nothing new to say or observe. Everything that I've thought of to say recently, I've already said before. And as much as I do tend to repeat myself, I'll avoid it if I can go back into my archives and easily find that I've expressed it already.

There's only one direction to move from this final end state, not because of constraints or inabilities, but because it's what I want and it's where I've led and directed my life.

Sometimes I get pangs of "how did it get to be like this?" with hints of despondency, and I poke myself back to realization that it's because I created it this way, I made it this way; there's no reason to be despondent. This is exactly how it's meant to be. And I can relax and smile to myself and encourage myself to keep moving forwards toward what I want.

There is just this path that I'm on. There's just this path that I've engineered. I'm sure I've said this already, but whenever I think of alternatives and possible paths, I realize I don't want them.

I have to admit that before, there was always a sliver of a possibility of a different path, but I'm pretty confident that they have all dissolved now. Bah, I know I've written about this before.

Now I'm just writing to encourage myself. If I don't write, I might fall into complacency and that will just lead to pushing myself into a corner, and I don't want to do anything just because I've been pushed into a corner.

When I had those excruciating abdominal pains, I entertained the idea that I might be dying and I resisted it. Not because I have a fundamental problem with dying, but I have a problem with it not being on my own terms.

The Lost Bladesman 關雲長 (Guan Yun Chang) (Hong Kong/China, 2011)

After watching the first 20 minutes of this film, I had a deja vu. Despite what I thought was a decent introductory narrative exposition and a concerted effort on my part to keep track of the characters and the parties and the alliances and motivations, I was totally confused and decided to look up the plot online.

This also happened when I watched Red Cliff, part 1, which is interesting because it turns out I wasn't wrong in noticing that a lot of names in this film sounded distinctly familiar. Like names of the characters from Red Cliff!

And surprise, surprise, they are indeed the same characters. Apparently there was a historical novel called Romance of the Three Kingdoms that is the source material for many modern fictionalizations of what happened during the Warring States period, roughly the first few centuries of the Common Era.

This film is about one of the exploits of Guan Yun Chang, the title character of the Chinese title (the English title is horrible in the anonymity of this great general; that a) he is "lost", and b) he is merely a "bladesman").

I vaguely do remember the character from Red Cliff. He's not a main character there, but he's portrayed as a great general and has a very distinct look, befitting a historical personage. Such as if Abraham Lincoln were portrayed, there are certain stock images whereby all Americans can identify him.

In this film, Guan Yun is an enemy general held captive by his benevolent captor Cao Cao (who in Red Cliff is the arrogant and power-hungry villain). Guan Yun is portrayed as extremely capable and righteous, and Cao Cao, who isn't exactly wholesome, but not the villain he's portrayed as in Red Cliff, acknowledges these virtues and hopes to gain his allegiance.

It turns out Guan Yun is a willing captive to protect and be close to his sworn brother's concubine, also being held captive, who he secretly loves. Actually, Guan Yun is such a fierce warrior, he could fight his way out any time he pleases.

When his sworn brother, Liu Bei, sends a message calling for him, Guan Yun decides to leave captivity. Cao Cao knows he can't stop him, and wanting to stay on his good side orders that he be allowed to leave unmolested.

However, the emperor, who is Cao Cao's puppet (the same relationship is shown in Red Cliff), thinks releasing Guan Yun is a bad idea and boldly goes against Cao Cao and orders Guan Yun killed en route.

The basic story as told in the records is Guan Yun's escape journey, encountering the resistance set up by the emperor.

It's a competent martial arts film, but not a remarkable one. The fight scenes are competent, but they're not remarkable. Donnie Yen as the title character does a great job portraying a man of impeccable virtue, but he seems to be doing a lot of that recently. OK, anyway, he's very good.

I'll pass this film with a nominal 6 out of 10 fresh tomatoes. It's not a great film, but definitely watchable for fans of Chinese period pieces. I also found it a fascinating counterpoint to Red Cliff with its different portrayal of the characters.

Nowhere to Turn (South Korea, 2007)

With a title like "Nowhere to Turn", I imagine someone who falls into dire straits, someone who has done everything she can and tries hard, but fate keeps dealing her all bad cards, none of which are her fault. In this film, the main character elicits no sympathy for having "nowhere to turn".

The main character wants to be a musician, but it's soon clear that she's delusional and is nowhere near where she needs to be to make it as a musician. She's not only delusional but she thinks the world owes her something while doing nothing herself. She's arrogant, self-righteous, smug, self-absorbed, unapologetic, and overall pathetic.

She wants her mother to send her abroad to pursue a career in music and blames her for refusing, while she herself is too lazy to consider getting a job and figuring out what it means to be responsible.

She mooches off people she knows, not sure they can be called "friends", and takes advantage of all of them, even stabbing them in the back. Whenever she's given a chance, she turns out to be a major disappointment because of her own selfishness and arrogance, and she ultimately blames everyone else for her failures. All she does is take and never gives.

Actually, that's wrong. At one point she "gives" when she loses her virginity to the guy she's mooching off, but complains and whines about it hurting throughout the whole 15 second ordeal.

I was hoping for some sort of redemption, transformation or self-realization in the character, but she remains unlikable to the end. Even a hint of being emotionally tortured or having a mental disease or that she sniffed glue through most of her elementary and high school years would have made her character a little bit palatable (in many scenes she is slack-jawed and looks like she's been sniffing glue, but there's no explanation for this unappealing portrayal).

The supporting "boyfriend" character isn't very strong and has almost as bad manners as she does, even though he does occasionally express himself in moments of truth that are few and far between, calling her crazy or having no conscience, and finally calling her a bitch, which she is.

I don't recommend this film to anyone. Rotten 2 out 10 tomatoes. Maybe the only good thing about this film is that it's an unintentional homage to Korean films in the 90s, which were unspeakably awful. This film would have fit perfectly amongst some of those films that I saw, and reminds me how far Korean film has come.

I guess I should've gone to the emergency room.

The thing is that I don't see doctors, I don't go to hospitals, much less emergency rooms. And it turns out the quote from Northern Exposure is really true that the human body is a wonderful healing machine and the role of doctors is often just to give a patient peace of mind (or to administer drugs to alleviate pain in modern society). I forget if it was Leonard or Uncle Anku who said it.

I don't even know how to go about "going to an emergency room". In the worst of it, when I thought it might be necessary, I had stuffed a few things in a backpack to be ready to grab to run out into the pouring rain and catch a cab and tell them to take me to the nearest hospital. Is that even right? Or is that the point when you call 911?

The rain was actually a really interesting part of the whole incident because it was a perfectly sunny day. I wasn't surprised when I started hearing rain outside because that would still be normal for Taipei weather, but it was raining pretty hard and it was still sunny outside. I kept walking out into the hallway where I can see outside, asking, "How is it raining?, it's totally sunny out there", and I looked for a rainbow and found it and assumed the rain would end shortly. But it didn't, and when the pain started it kept raining and poured through the whole 4-5 hour ordeal.

That kind of rain was strange and I wonder if it wasn't a factor in discouraging me from going to the hospital. But going to the hospital is simply unthinkable for me. Even when I was preparing for it just in case it got that bad, I didn't really think I would or could do it.

I started having sharp abdominal pains and at first I didn't think anything of it. I thought it was intestinal, not uncommon in Taiwan. It's worse when it occurs when I'm out, but I was still home. I figured I'd feel some sharp pain, go to the bathroom and it would clear up and I'd feel fine in short order.

It was just like the pain when that happens, but it didn't let up and started to increase. It was like someone was gripping and squeezing and twisting whatever internal organ – stomach, intestines, liver – and it also occurred to me it might be appendicitis, which if you don't take care of your appendix ruptures and you die.

The pain increased as twilight turned to night outside my window. I'm not a screamer. I would probably scream under torture, but not internal bodily pain. I groan and I writhe.

And then I found it true that meditation techniques do help manage pain. It wasn't a conscious thought process of, "Oh, this hurts, I think I'll go into meditational equipoise to manage the pain with my mind". It was more visceral. I was sweating so much from the pain that I had the air conditioner on even though the cold air was uncomfortable. But I found myself in a position on my bed with my palms flat on the mattress, and I started visualizing the pain as energy and then directing the energy through my palms into the mattress.

From a modern science point of view it's a distraction technique. You mentally occupy yourself in a way that makes you feel better by not thinking about the pain. But when you actually try the method and even marginally think you're succeeding, there is a sense that qigong, or taichi, or even Tibetan descriptions of energy flow are real and are an important part of our being.

I was basically in that meditational state for a good 3-4 hours, focusing on mind and controlling the pain energy and directing it into the mattress. It also occurred to me that before directing the pain energy into the mattress, I had to think of the energy positively since I didn't want to discharge negative energy anywhere, even into an inanimate object. So I reminded myself that pain is good, it tells us and warns us when we're in distress and we need to do something about it, so while discharging the pain energy into the mattress, I was also thanking it.

I don't know what I think of that now, that's just what was going through my mind at the time. It may be just an indication of my own subjective mind, rather than some objective reality. But then that's the way it would be for all of us.

It started to alleviate about 9 in the evening when there were clearer moments when the pain subsided. There were several trips to the bathroom through all this. I think the grand finale was vomiting when I hadn't eaten anything in almost 24 hours and what came up didn't look like the only thing I had ingested, which was coffee with cream. A lot of blackness.

If that incident was an earthquake, I continued to feel aftershocks for over 24 hours and even into today, but now it seems to be completely gone. I'm not sure what to make of it and since I didn't go to the emergency room like a normal person would have or if I lived with other people, I'll never know.

I don't know what triggered it. All through the 24 hour period of "aftershocks" when the pain would re-emerge and I'd get worried if it would get blown out of proportion again, I wondered if this was liver failure. I read that a stage of liver failure may include "pain on the liver" but it made no mention of "excruciating pain on the liver".

But now if it seems it's not continuing, then it's not liver failure. Actually, I'm not totally writing it off just yet. I'm not going to say that it's totally gone just yet. It just seems mostly gone at this point, but I still feel something. That said, if it's not liver failure, then the only thing I can identify as being a trigger is what I ingested right before it started, which is a single cup of bottled iced coffee with an artificial liquid creamer.

Focusing on the creamer, there was a recent scare in Taiwan in the past few months of unscrupulous foodmakers putting something bad in their products that caused health problems in a bunch of people. Some plasticizer. It was big news, but being a foreigner I only get the translated news. I worked at an English-language newspaper and can testify the most experienced Taiwanese writers of English-language news can only express at a level at least one step removed from a native English reporter.

I didn't think the news applied to me. From the TV reports it looked like it was mostly about bottled drinks and the store where I buy bottled drinks is reputable and posted signs that ostensibly said that their products had been inspected and were safe. I never saw non-dairy coffee creamer in those reports. 

However, I now can imagine what it was like for those victims, that if some toxic substance was added to a food product and wreaked havoc on their liver or kidneys upon ingestion, that their family members would have rushed them to the emergency room.

If I was living with family in Kaohsiung, I might have successfully resisted being sent to the emergency room because I'm not a screamer. I can keep it in in a way that other people wouldn't panic, but otherwise I imagine that they would have called 911.

Then there were my thoughts that I might die . . .

email to a friend

Hey Madoka,
Thank me? I'm still thanking you for finally getting on the path. I always thought it was right for you, but it had to happen when you were ripe to start on it. I might say it's a little late, but actually it's not at all and I have a feeling you're going to be a formidable and nurturing teacher in years, hopefully decades, to come. Not me, though, that's not my path.

You're actually not lazy. Maybe you know what you're doing moment to moment and may think you're lazy, you feel you're lazy and that you're not doing enough, but the diligence is in the mind, and I can point right at your own message by your immediate reaction to the Kawasakis that your diligence is already there and deep within you. That's the diligence required and what they're talking about. It's the same diligence towards compassion that you felt when you saw "Schindler's List".

If you feel you need to connect your actions to it, that's fine and dandy to work on. But I'll take it a little farther and point out that actions aren't always necessary. With some people, their diligence comes out just from their very being, and you're one of them. If you can just accept that, get calm with it, keep practicing, and you will naturally offer the acts benefiting people on your path. Mind you, I'm not saying the path is easy, just be better at discerning the easy parts from the difficult. And who knows?, once you do that, you might find the difficult stuff a breeze!

And don't beat yourself up over bodhisattva "vows". In Thich Nhat Hanh's tradition, we don't call them vows, but rather "mindfulness trainings". A lot of people have hang-ups over the word "vow", and if you break them, you've failed or are a sinner, and that's not the point of them. If everyone who took the vows could keep the vows, there's no reason to take them.

That's why TNH changed them to mindfulness trainings, we keep trainings, not "vows". When we come across a situation where we think we're going against the training, we're mindful about it. And if we do it anyway, the training is still there and becomes stronger hopefully for the next time we encounter it. But we don't berate ourselves for breaking a vow whereby we lose it. I'm just suggesting there's no reason to be apprehensive about the word "vow". Some people need that strict discipline/punishment aspect of a vow, but others can be more flexible according to their position. You don't need the discipline/punishment aspect. For you the "vow" is an inspiration, perhaps, or a guide.

I don't know what the implication of "vow" is in Japan, but if you think there's value in this, maybe you can discuss it with other people and your teacher and see what they say and decide for yourself.

I've always considered you on the bodhisattva path. I think a book you may come across eventually is Shantideva's "Guide to the Bodhisattva's Way of Life". It can be found online but I bought the Padmakara translation which was considered the best translation and commentary some years back. It's a daunting and elusive work, and I by no means get it, which just means I'm not ready for it and I should keep trying to go back to it. I guess it'll reach you if and when the time is right.

The bodhisattva path is a distinct "branch" or path of Buddhism, but I would argue it's not requisite to Buddhism. I think it is the right path for you because of your strong inclination to alleviate suffering. That's a hallmark of the bodhisattva path, I think. Call it karma, call it a calling. There may be aspects of the bodhisattva ideal that runs through all the other paths, but acting on the ideal is not requisite.

I think of myself as a "rogue" Buddhist, if I consider myself a Buddhist at all, and I've been getting some affirmation from writings by younger Tibetan lamas. One book I found was "Rebel Buddha", and that felt good because he was affirming that there isn't an orthodoxy. But that book is really basic and was telling something new to a general audience, but it wasn't all that new to me so I just skimmed it. Another book was "What Makes You NOT a Buddhist?" which was written by a Nepalese lama/filmmaker who did "The Cup" and "Travellers and Magicians", which I saw at the S.F. film festival, and just by being a filmmaker, he's a "rebel" Buddhist! That was a good book for me because he articulated some things in a new way for me that resonated.

A Thai friend I met in Taiwan also gave me a book that's more orthodox called "Heartwood from the Bo Tree" by a Theravadan Thai teacher, and I agree with him that the most basic idea to cultivate that is relevant to all paths of Buddhism that the Buddha directly taught is that "nothing whatsoever should be attached to". I agree that whatever path anyone is on, nothing whatsoever should be attached to and it's important to examine one's path to make sure you understand how it applies. The trick is that certain paths appeal to us and attract us because of who we are in the physical dimension, but it's still important not to be attached to them or anything about them on an ultimate level.

I'm going on and on like I have something to tell you, but like I said, I'm not saying anything like I think you don't already know, so if you want to go on and on about something, feel free.

love my teacher (um, that's you) always,
koji