I can't even English this.
email. remaining parent. from dead parent's email. cruise. February. me go with.
There is no nope on the scale of nopes to express how absolutely and irrevocably nope the nope is.
The only possible reaction on my part was to immediately delete the email, wash my eyeballs out with soap and try to forget about it. If there is to be communication, since I no longer have a phone, it would be through an intermediary, i.e. my brother, whence the nope can at least be buffered. There is no precedent and therefore no acceptance of direct email communication between the chaos and its spawn (that would be me).
Friday, December 08, 2017
Monday, November 27, 2017
"Yea, I'm alcoholic"
"Why do you drink so much?"
"Because . . . if I didn't, I wouldn't be alcoholic". Duh.
August-September-October-November, it's been three months since I cut back on drinking. It's no accomplishment. It doesn't feel like anything. And with the great revelation that a lot of the physical gripes I'd been griping about went away, there's a huge incentive to not go back to constant drinking.
It hasn't been hard. There have been the expected markers of alcoholism – pangs and temptation – but minimal restraint was necessary to get past those (restraint was necessary nonetheless). Also I haven't totally quit and I still probably drink enough to be considered alcoholic. Alcoholism, I shouldn't wonder, is not just the amount but the habit and regularity.
Ooh! That was quotable! Quote me, baby. Booyah.
Same as I mentioned before, I allow drinking before periods when I'm naturally not going to drink, i.e. before going to sleep and going out. But I also ration one beer outside of those times, meaning one in the morning and one in the evening is OK. I don't consider one beer a drink. It's a refreshing enjoyment, a quick buzz. More than one beer becomes drinking and I haven't done that at all.
To quantify, before I was drinking on average more than six bottles a week, but not quite a bottle a day. Now I go through a bottle about every three days; a schedule I've been on before.
Cutting back on drinking has also contributed to the cognitive dissonance since I'm clear and sober to contemplate the contradiction and futility of my continued existence. There are more spans going from moment to moment where I'm clear to question why I'm still here.
Cutting back on drinking has also put a full stop on insomnia, more or less. Same as I mentioned before, sleep isn't always perfect, but is OK and adequate. If I've been able to identify a bad night as insomnia these past three months, it's been a one-off.
Sleep, who can deny?, is a comfort. Waking rested after a good slumber is a feeling of all that's good about living and existing. For me it's cognitive dissonance. The feeling is quickly ambushed that it is temporary and I can't keep going on like this. The theoretical suicide is there first thing to contemplate during morning sitting.
There isn't anyone in my life, but if there were, this is where they start suggesting I go back to drinking constantly. Sorry, I'm done with feeling like shit all the time.
"Why do you drink so much?"
"Because . . . if I didn't, I wouldn't be alcoholic". Duh.
August-September-October-November, it's been three months since I cut back on drinking. It's no accomplishment. It doesn't feel like anything. And with the great revelation that a lot of the physical gripes I'd been griping about went away, there's a huge incentive to not go back to constant drinking.
It hasn't been hard. There have been the expected markers of alcoholism – pangs and temptation – but minimal restraint was necessary to get past those (restraint was necessary nonetheless). Also I haven't totally quit and I still probably drink enough to be considered alcoholic. Alcoholism, I shouldn't wonder, is not just the amount but the habit and regularity.
Ooh! That was quotable! Quote me, baby. Booyah.
Same as I mentioned before, I allow drinking before periods when I'm naturally not going to drink, i.e. before going to sleep and going out. But I also ration one beer outside of those times, meaning one in the morning and one in the evening is OK. I don't consider one beer a drink. It's a refreshing enjoyment, a quick buzz. More than one beer becomes drinking and I haven't done that at all.
To quantify, before I was drinking on average more than six bottles a week, but not quite a bottle a day. Now I go through a bottle about every three days; a schedule I've been on before.
Cutting back on drinking has also contributed to the cognitive dissonance since I'm clear and sober to contemplate the contradiction and futility of my continued existence. There are more spans going from moment to moment where I'm clear to question why I'm still here.
Cutting back on drinking has also put a full stop on insomnia, more or less. Same as I mentioned before, sleep isn't always perfect, but is OK and adequate. If I've been able to identify a bad night as insomnia these past three months, it's been a one-off.
Sleep, who can deny?, is a comfort. Waking rested after a good slumber is a feeling of all that's good about living and existing. For me it's cognitive dissonance. The feeling is quickly ambushed that it is temporary and I can't keep going on like this. The theoretical suicide is there first thing to contemplate during morning sitting.
There isn't anyone in my life, but if there were, this is where they start suggesting I go back to drinking constantly. Sorry, I'm done with feeling like shit all the time.
Saturday, November 18, 2017
I finished "reading" Night Falls Fast: Understanding Suicide (1999) by Kay Redfield Jamison that I quoted earlier. "Reading" because I skimmed large portions of it, not because it was difficult subject matter but because . . . it got boring.
I liked the stories. I'm sorry, that's what I could relate to. All the biology, chemicals, statistics and other stuff I'm too lazy to qualify I could do without. There's a natural type of person who would be interested in this type of book. The author is one of them (an insider). I used to be, I shouldn't wonder. People who could relate.
It's likely a valuable reference read for those interested or curious about the pathology. The book limits its scope to the clinical and normative, but that's nothing surprising. It admits to an age bias, so a narrow focus is already intended. I didn't find a whole lot of insight, but I suppose it's difficult to be insightful about suicide. I don't mean this as criticism, the book does what it does well and handles the topic with compassion and empathy, albeit with added emotion at times.
I felt myself strangely detached while reading it. Maybe I've steeped in the topic for so long that it's not something necessarily emotional or even personal. I'm jaded. Or not even really suicidal, a poseur.
It's not a mental health issue for me as far as I'm concerned. Maybe there may have been a connection long ago, but it's a non-issue now. So reading about other people, I sympathize that they were suffering, but it's not necessarily something I share.
I suppose I found it inspirational, which of course was not its intention. It's not you, book, it's me. People who have been successful; also pointing out that I've been a failure and I don't like being a failure. I've failed at a lot of things, but things I ultimately didn't care about. This is something closer to home. And if I fail at suicide, that just means I live for a little while longer and die anyway. Maybe under more desperate or pathetic circumstances.
I'm winding up for another imminent attempt. Yet again. And like before it's totally hypothetical at this point and doesn't mean anything. I feel a need for it within the next half year or so and I'm going to focus and push for it, cognitive dissonance, aspiration, but admit it's not likely.
It's like telling a psychiatrist I'm planning to rob a bank. Which bank? I dunno, the one down the street? When? I dunno, within the next year. How? I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. Any accomplices? No. What would you do with the money? Hm, I haven't thought of that. Continue to pay rent and food? It's hardly cause for a psychiatrist to be alarmed.
I liked the stories. I'm sorry, that's what I could relate to. All the biology, chemicals, statistics and other stuff I'm too lazy to qualify I could do without. There's a natural type of person who would be interested in this type of book. The author is one of them (an insider). I used to be, I shouldn't wonder. People who could relate.
It's likely a valuable reference read for those interested or curious about the pathology. The book limits its scope to the clinical and normative, but that's nothing surprising. It admits to an age bias, so a narrow focus is already intended. I didn't find a whole lot of insight, but I suppose it's difficult to be insightful about suicide. I don't mean this as criticism, the book does what it does well and handles the topic with compassion and empathy, albeit with added emotion at times.
I felt myself strangely detached while reading it. Maybe I've steeped in the topic for so long that it's not something necessarily emotional or even personal. I'm jaded. Or not even really suicidal, a poseur.
It's not a mental health issue for me as far as I'm concerned. Maybe there may have been a connection long ago, but it's a non-issue now. So reading about other people, I sympathize that they were suffering, but it's not necessarily something I share.
I suppose I found it inspirational, which of course was not its intention. It's not you, book, it's me. People who have been successful; also pointing out that I've been a failure and I don't like being a failure. I've failed at a lot of things, but things I ultimately didn't care about. This is something closer to home. And if I fail at suicide, that just means I live for a little while longer and die anyway. Maybe under more desperate or pathetic circumstances.
I'm winding up for another imminent attempt. Yet again. And like before it's totally hypothetical at this point and doesn't mean anything. I feel a need for it within the next half year or so and I'm going to focus and push for it, cognitive dissonance, aspiration, but admit it's not likely.
It's like telling a psychiatrist I'm planning to rob a bank. Which bank? I dunno, the one down the street? When? I dunno, within the next year. How? I'll cross that bridge when I get to it. Any accomplices? No. What would you do with the money? Hm, I haven't thought of that. Continue to pay rent and food? It's hardly cause for a psychiatrist to be alarmed.
Friday, November 10, 2017
I had to buy a new set of earbuds last week.
Some time into my years in Taiwan I started buying quality earbuds. Until then, I was satisfied with the crappy earbuds that came with iPods. When they melted and fell apart in Taiwan's heat and humidity, I never spent much more than US$30 (NT$1,000) on replacements, usually Philips.
I grew up in a time when you bought something, you expected it to last. It wasn't a disposable culture like it is now, where product obsolescence is planned. I was outraged that iPods came with earbuds that were of such poor quality that they couldn't last. Did they have no pride in their product? Now I have a pile of Apple earbuds that I've never touched. It's almost an insult that they still include them.
Then one day I impulsively splurged on a set of UE (Ultimate Ears) earbuds because what the fuck. They were probably in the $60 range and had noise blocking ear pieces. They lasted probably over a year until they, too, succame to Taiwan's weather.
By then, I was sold on the sound quality of higher priced earbuds and on noise blocking, in-ear earbuds. Also at some point during a visit to the States, my brother had offered me a set of $100 Sennheisers that he said sounded terrible, but it turned out he just hadn't used them enough to burn them in. I used them for several hours and gave them back when they sounded fine. But that incident probably set my price range even higher.
For the past few years, I've gone through three sets of Monster iSport-line earbuds which were in the over-$150 range in Taiwan. Same company that makes Monster sound system cable. In high school and college, Monster cable was the gold standard for stereo systems, but at the time prohibitively expensive. What I'm saying is that their reputation preceded.
The sound quality was great, no complaints there. Construction, mostly the quality of material used, not so impressive, especially for a product at that price and advertised for sports usage. I put up with a lot for a long time for that sound quality. Actually I only bought the third set of Monsters because they were on sale for about $100 and I considered that a deal even though I had low confidence in the construction.
Eventually all three failed, finally due to right channel defects. I wouldn't buy Monster earbuds again. Maybe the right channel failures shouldn't be considered uncommon considering how hard I used them, but it's time to try something new.
I bought a set of Audio-Technica earbuds at under $90 ($60 on Amazon). So far I'm not blown away. They're muddy in the lower-mids and bass ranges. Clarity and separation are mediocre at best. One reason I bought them was to test the theory that price is an indicator of quality. This doesn't challenge the supposition.
If they continue to not impress or satisfy, I can go with even cheaper ($60 range) or more expensive ($120) Sennheisers available in Taiwan. If I'm such a stickler for quality, I should go with the pricier ones.
I also have a set of Bose noise-cancelling earbuds which I bought when I was more confident about my finances, needless to say. I only use those on rainy days when I don't go out on bike. I baby them as you would a $250 product.
They sound great, so I also use them as reference in assessing earbud quality, mindful of my age and musician past that my ears aren't as sharp as they once may have been. They only sound good with the noise-cancelling on, though. If the battery dies and switches to passive mode, they don't sound all that great.
addendum: I gave up on the $90 Audio-Technica earbuds (ATH-CKS770). The weird thing about them was that some files sounded passable; nothing special, they didn't draw attention that the sound was just par. But then other files would sound muddy. I can't make any sense of it.
So I went and bought the expensive Sennheiser Momentum earbuds which unfortunately were more expensive than I remembered and were actually $160. The miscalculation gave me pause because I'm always hesitant about big purchases and it's habit to take any excuse to not buy something unless I'm really sure.
I decided I was really sure. I hated files playing and being disappointed how randomly muddy they sounded. I know I don't have money to throw around, but it's all relative, isn't it? How much have I not spent in alcohol over the past three months? I don't know, but probably easily enough to cover the full price of the earbuds. And I didn't stop drinking to save money.
Anyway, the Sennheisers are amazing. No burning in needed. They were immediately and clearly superior to the Audio-Technicas. Clear and tight bass, sparkling highs, incredible clarity and reproduction. No random files sounding muddy.
So no regrets buying the Sennheisers. A little regret having bought the Audio-Technicas, but not a total loss since I can use them with my Korg Pandora PX5D for guitar and bass. For some reason only stereo connector plugs work with the quarter-inch to eighth-inch adapter. If it has the Apple control ring on the plug, it doesn't work. I already tried them with the PX5D and they sound fine.
Some time into my years in Taiwan I started buying quality earbuds. Until then, I was satisfied with the crappy earbuds that came with iPods. When they melted and fell apart in Taiwan's heat and humidity, I never spent much more than US$30 (NT$1,000) on replacements, usually Philips.
I grew up in a time when you bought something, you expected it to last. It wasn't a disposable culture like it is now, where product obsolescence is planned. I was outraged that iPods came with earbuds that were of such poor quality that they couldn't last. Did they have no pride in their product? Now I have a pile of Apple earbuds that I've never touched. It's almost an insult that they still include them.
Then one day I impulsively splurged on a set of UE (Ultimate Ears) earbuds because what the fuck. They were probably in the $60 range and had noise blocking ear pieces. They lasted probably over a year until they, too, succame to Taiwan's weather.
By then, I was sold on the sound quality of higher priced earbuds and on noise blocking, in-ear earbuds. Also at some point during a visit to the States, my brother had offered me a set of $100 Sennheisers that he said sounded terrible, but it turned out he just hadn't used them enough to burn them in. I used them for several hours and gave them back when they sounded fine. But that incident probably set my price range even higher.
For the past few years, I've gone through three sets of Monster iSport-line earbuds which were in the over-$150 range in Taiwan. Same company that makes Monster sound system cable. In high school and college, Monster cable was the gold standard for stereo systems, but at the time prohibitively expensive. What I'm saying is that their reputation preceded.
The sound quality was great, no complaints there. Construction, mostly the quality of material used, not so impressive, especially for a product at that price and advertised for sports usage. I put up with a lot for a long time for that sound quality. Actually I only bought the third set of Monsters because they were on sale for about $100 and I considered that a deal even though I had low confidence in the construction.
Eventually all three failed, finally due to right channel defects. I wouldn't buy Monster earbuds again. Maybe the right channel failures shouldn't be considered uncommon considering how hard I used them, but it's time to try something new.
I bought a set of Audio-Technica earbuds at under $90 ($60 on Amazon). So far I'm not blown away. They're muddy in the lower-mids and bass ranges. Clarity and separation are mediocre at best. One reason I bought them was to test the theory that price is an indicator of quality. This doesn't challenge the supposition.
If they continue to not impress or satisfy, I can go with even cheaper ($60 range) or more expensive ($120) Sennheisers available in Taiwan. If I'm such a stickler for quality, I should go with the pricier ones.
I also have a set of Bose noise-cancelling earbuds which I bought when I was more confident about my finances, needless to say. I only use those on rainy days when I don't go out on bike. I baby them as you would a $250 product.
They sound great, so I also use them as reference in assessing earbud quality, mindful of my age and musician past that my ears aren't as sharp as they once may have been. They only sound good with the noise-cancelling on, though. If the battery dies and switches to passive mode, they don't sound all that great.
addendum: I gave up on the $90 Audio-Technica earbuds (ATH-CKS770). The weird thing about them was that some files sounded passable; nothing special, they didn't draw attention that the sound was just par. But then other files would sound muddy. I can't make any sense of it.
So I went and bought the expensive Sennheiser Momentum earbuds which unfortunately were more expensive than I remembered and were actually $160. The miscalculation gave me pause because I'm always hesitant about big purchases and it's habit to take any excuse to not buy something unless I'm really sure.
I decided I was really sure. I hated files playing and being disappointed how randomly muddy they sounded. I know I don't have money to throw around, but it's all relative, isn't it? How much have I not spent in alcohol over the past three months? I don't know, but probably easily enough to cover the full price of the earbuds. And I didn't stop drinking to save money.
Anyway, the Sennheisers are amazing. No burning in needed. They were immediately and clearly superior to the Audio-Technicas. Clear and tight bass, sparkling highs, incredible clarity and reproduction. No random files sounding muddy.
So no regrets buying the Sennheisers. A little regret having bought the Audio-Technicas, but not a total loss since I can use them with my Korg Pandora PX5D for guitar and bass. For some reason only stereo connector plugs work with the quarter-inch to eighth-inch adapter. If it has the Apple control ring on the plug, it doesn't work. I already tried them with the PX5D and they sound fine.
Tuesday, November 07, 2017
I think it's fair to say that if I commit suicide, it would have been decades in the planning. Has there ever been anyone who prepared so well for a suicide in terms of limiting impact on others? Probably, but you've never heard of them nor has anyone written about them. Why? Because they limited their impact so that there was no one to write anything nor anything to write anyway.
If I commit suicide or simply disappear, which would be preferable, there isn't anything anyone could say about me that would be valid or current. There would just be the fact. They would be left with just the fact and nothing else to say beyond it.
Mind you, it's very intentional that I'm writing "if I commit suicide". I've been contemplating and aspiring toward it for years to the point of meaninglessness, which I suppose also adds to the lack of impact if I actually succeed. I'm all talk and the only meaning to this blog would only come from actually doing it. If I'm still talking, that's all it is.
I deserve to die. After all, I've put so much effort into dismantling my life so that there's no social value to my existence and withdrawing from everyone who was in it so that no one would be significantly affected by my dying, that I should be rewarded for it in some way, don'tcha think?
Years and years of continued existence, frittering pathetically away in base enjoyments of reading, watching TV and videos and listening to music and maintaining a marginal, nominal mindfulness practice is hardly any reward. I deserve better than that.
It's so sad, embarrassing and pathetic reading what I've written and re-written over and over repeatedly and redundantly about suicide and killing myself and realizing I'm still here years and years later.
Those patients with schizophrenia who are more intelligent and better educated, for example, who perform better on measures of abstract reasoning, and who demonstrate greater insight into the nature of their illness, are more likely to kill themselves. (p. 84, Night Falls Fast, Jamison).
The experts agree that I'm no great intellect or abstract thinker. Thanks. Of course, I'm also not schizophrenic. But I haven't been diagnosed otherwise, either! Wait, what am I saying? That I still might be schizophrenic which would just prove what a failure I am because I haven't committed suicide?
If I commit suicide or simply disappear, which would be preferable, there isn't anything anyone could say about me that would be valid or current. There would just be the fact. They would be left with just the fact and nothing else to say beyond it.
Mind you, it's very intentional that I'm writing "if I commit suicide". I've been contemplating and aspiring toward it for years to the point of meaninglessness, which I suppose also adds to the lack of impact if I actually succeed. I'm all talk and the only meaning to this blog would only come from actually doing it. If I'm still talking, that's all it is.
I deserve to die. After all, I've put so much effort into dismantling my life so that there's no social value to my existence and withdrawing from everyone who was in it so that no one would be significantly affected by my dying, that I should be rewarded for it in some way, don'tcha think?
Years and years of continued existence, frittering pathetically away in base enjoyments of reading, watching TV and videos and listening to music and maintaining a marginal, nominal mindfulness practice is hardly any reward. I deserve better than that.
It's so sad, embarrassing and pathetic reading what I've written and re-written over and over repeatedly and redundantly about suicide and killing myself and realizing I'm still here years and years later.
Those patients with schizophrenia who are more intelligent and better educated, for example, who perform better on measures of abstract reasoning, and who demonstrate greater insight into the nature of their illness, are more likely to kill themselves. (p. 84, Night Falls Fast, Jamison).
The experts agree that I'm no great intellect or abstract thinker. Thanks. Of course, I'm also not schizophrenic. But I haven't been diagnosed otherwise, either! Wait, what am I saying? That I still might be schizophrenic which would just prove what a failure I am because I haven't committed suicide?
Wednesday, November 01, 2017
So physical activity is OUT because it would likely contribute to a false sense of accomplishment; no cycling or attempting to run. Until I do.
Fake reading Chinese is OK because it emphasizes the futility in learning the language in my case. I love the complexity in this pathology. I don't think I'm unable to learn the language in some fundamental failure of being. The key to learning a language is interaction and usage. You have to communicate with other people. That's what I'm unwilling to do and presumably the basic reason for my failure.
Forcing myself to pretend to read a newspaper with Chinese phonetics just exposes me to a diversified vocabulary and emphasizes how much I don't know. It's not vocabulary I would necessarily need in daily conversation, or if it was I'd learn it in daily conversation. It keeps me mystified by a seeming impossibility of learning a new language because there's always so much more to learn, when basically the problem is that I've pretty much isolated myself from interacting with people.
Pretending to play bass or guitar is also OK for pretty much the same reason. I've given up any identity thinking I was a musician. I still have some basic technical facility on fretted instruments, so I can play along to songs and work out chord progressions and appreciate what went into the songwriting.
I also have the Jamey Aeborsold jazz play-along series of workbooks and music files. These are apparently THE essential studies for anyone interested in playing jazz. Despite that not including me, I still wondered why I'd never even heard of the series, so I asked my sister-in-law's sister's husband, Tom Kennedy, an A-list professional bass player (go ahead, look him up), and he confirmed it. Everyone goes through Jamey Aeborsold. It's K-12 for aspiring jazz musicians.
It's an endless source of music learning and backing tracks to play along with for practical application. For me, it emphasizes that after however many years I thought of myself as a musician, I really know bupkis about music. Even the meager facility I have on fretted instruments, my fingers always do the same one kind of pattern and movements over and over, and even that I don't know what I'm doing. I assume it's some basic blues scale.
So in terms of wasting my life away on the conveyor belt of distractions to get from day to day, pulling out my guitar and bass is OK.
It's about getting me to a state of perpetual cognitive dissonance about my existence. I shouldn't be here, but I am only because I can be with minimal effort. I'm here because I'm lazy; too lazy to end my life even though the very framework I've built for it has been to end it.
The framework and foundation of my life, through attitude, theory and implementation, has all been set-up for ending my life. All the activities and things I've done and pursued during my life were just fluff and filler, false identity. I don't regret any of it, a lot of it was probably a blast as it happened.
But the fun should be over and I can't let myself be fooled by it now. I don't know what I will do, the pattern my history shows doesn't suggest anything dramatic *yawn*. The best I'll expect at the time being is continue to work on relatively sober development of perpetual cognitive dissonance and hope for the obvious and only proper outcome.
It's an endless source of music learning and backing tracks to play along with for practical application. For me, it emphasizes that after however many years I thought of myself as a musician, I really know bupkis about music. Even the meager facility I have on fretted instruments, my fingers always do the same one kind of pattern and movements over and over, and even that I don't know what I'm doing. I assume it's some basic blues scale.
So in terms of wasting my life away on the conveyor belt of distractions to get from day to day, pulling out my guitar and bass is OK.
It's about getting me to a state of perpetual cognitive dissonance about my existence. I shouldn't be here, but I am only because I can be with minimal effort. I'm here because I'm lazy; too lazy to end my life even though the very framework I've built for it has been to end it.
The framework and foundation of my life, through attitude, theory and implementation, has all been set-up for ending my life. All the activities and things I've done and pursued during my life were just fluff and filler, false identity. I don't regret any of it, a lot of it was probably a blast as it happened.
But the fun should be over and I can't let myself be fooled by it now. I don't know what I will do, the pattern my history shows doesn't suggest anything dramatic *yawn*. The best I'll expect at the time being is continue to work on relatively sober development of perpetual cognitive dissonance and hope for the obvious and only proper outcome.
Wednesday, October 25, 2017
Forcing myself to read the Chinese newspaper when I go to the library is like sadomasochism for one. So when I find an interesting book in the stacks, it's easy to allow the temptation. At the closest public library (there are four within walking distance (under two miles)), I'm reading Fields of Blood: Religion and the History of Violence by Karen Armstrong.
It falls under world history among categories of reads that interest me; perhaps specifically human developmental history or human cultural evolution. It's a fascinating read that sweeps through various historical cultures in broad strokes, describing the relation between religiosity and violence.
Religion and violence, of course, go hand-in-hand, but the book is very well-researched and offers perspectives that aren't obvious nor common knowledge. There's room for disagreement, but she provides plenty of food for thought. I'd definitely recommend it.
Actually religion and violence don't "of course" go hand-in-hand, you still need human nature in the equation. You can just as easily say that economics and violence go hand-in-hand, and the same with politics and ideology. None of those, including religion, are inherently violent by nature or intent. Just add human nature and the potential for violence arises whenever conflict occurs and a clear "other" can be identified.
Despite reading the Chinese newspaper without understanding it being tedious and boring as hell (hard to stay awake), I'm only allowing reading books one at a time at any particular library. So when I go to one of the other three libraries, I have to read the newspaper. Only when I finish a book can I start another one at any library. Dumb rules I make for myself.
It falls under world history among categories of reads that interest me; perhaps specifically human developmental history or human cultural evolution. It's a fascinating read that sweeps through various historical cultures in broad strokes, describing the relation between religiosity and violence.
Religion and violence, of course, go hand-in-hand, but the book is very well-researched and offers perspectives that aren't obvious nor common knowledge. There's room for disagreement, but she provides plenty of food for thought. I'd definitely recommend it.
Actually religion and violence don't "of course" go hand-in-hand, you still need human nature in the equation. You can just as easily say that economics and violence go hand-in-hand, and the same with politics and ideology. None of those, including religion, are inherently violent by nature or intent. Just add human nature and the potential for violence arises whenever conflict occurs and a clear "other" can be identified.
Despite reading the Chinese newspaper without understanding it being tedious and boring as hell (hard to stay awake), I'm only allowing reading books one at a time at any particular library. So when I go to one of the other three libraries, I have to read the newspaper. Only when I finish a book can I start another one at any library. Dumb rules I make for myself.
Thursday, October 19, 2017
Summer ended rather quickly. I don't specifically remember how it's been in previous years (except perhaps one with a typhoon), but I'm sure this is how it typically is. I'm sure I probably mentioned it before, too.
What happens is the heat hits wet weather around this time of year (typhoon obviously qualifies), temperatures drop with the rain and *bam* thereafter it's clearly autumn. It's very sudden that the fan isn't on all the time, shirts are worn at home, and showers need an infusion of warmer water. More gradual are the window closing bit by bit, dressing in layers and moving under the covers to sleep.
I know I've mentioned before how I find it odd during Taipei summers that it's completely unimaginable how cold the winters get, and during the winter it's totally out of mind that summers are unbearably hot. This is the transition period, what happens between the heat and the cold. A lot of laundry gets done. That happens in the spring, too.
Distractions, distractions. Every day is all about distractions. Distraction conveyor belt to get from day to day.
Useless distractions; no running or cycling because even though I'm curious about the effect cutting back on drinking has had on those activities, doing those things might give me the impression that I've accomplished something. That I've done something not completely useless.
Reading Chinese is useless. That's OK. Watching lots and lots of videos on YouTube, which although enjoyable is utterly useless and is supposed to be reminding me how insubstantial and ethereal and empty such enjoyments are.
Not saying anything bad about that. There's nothing wrong with feeling good or even inspired in certain ways. Just remember to keep things in perspective and that none of it is anything I call real.
What happens is the heat hits wet weather around this time of year (typhoon obviously qualifies), temperatures drop with the rain and *bam* thereafter it's clearly autumn. It's very sudden that the fan isn't on all the time, shirts are worn at home, and showers need an infusion of warmer water. More gradual are the window closing bit by bit, dressing in layers and moving under the covers to sleep.
I know I've mentioned before how I find it odd during Taipei summers that it's completely unimaginable how cold the winters get, and during the winter it's totally out of mind that summers are unbearably hot. This is the transition period, what happens between the heat and the cold. A lot of laundry gets done. That happens in the spring, too.
Distractions, distractions. Every day is all about distractions. Distraction conveyor belt to get from day to day.
Useless distractions; no running or cycling because even though I'm curious about the effect cutting back on drinking has had on those activities, doing those things might give me the impression that I've accomplished something. That I've done something not completely useless.
Reading Chinese is useless. That's OK. Watching lots and lots of videos on YouTube, which although enjoyable is utterly useless and is supposed to be reminding me how insubstantial and ethereal and empty such enjoyments are.
Not saying anything bad about that. There's nothing wrong with feeling good or even inspired in certain ways. Just remember to keep things in perspective and that none of it is anything I call real.
Friday, October 13, 2017
It's raining. It hasn't rained like this in quite a while. Nothing unusual, even this non-stop for days rain. It emphasizes that this summer can be characterized as having been rather dry, as opposed to summers where it rains every afternoon.
Sparse typhoon season, too. I think only two typhoons hit Taiwan. A one-two punch a few months ago, one right after the other with a strange sunny (but windy) day in Taipei between them. One went right across the island and the other swept up it; a hook and an uppercut. The destruction was typical, not disastrous.
Yesterday was the first day I woke up and checked the thermometer and it was below 80 degrees. That's autumn cooling in Taiwan! Air conditioning has been off for several weeks now. Fan is still on almost all the time. Sometimes I'll turn it off, only to turn it back on in short order.
The nature of my self-distractions to get from day to day has changed since cutting back on drinking and the resultant clarity. For one, I've stopped reading books I'm interested in at public libraries and I've gone back to reading a Chinese newspaper that has the phonetic pronunciation next to each character.
It's a newspaper for students, both native children whose knowledge of Chinese characters is still growing and foreigners here to learn the language. For me to read this newspaper is an exercise in pointlessness.
I consider my Chinese language learning at an end and having ended in failure. The point in reading this newspaper is to rub it in how much of a failure I've been in learning the language.
I can run my eyes over the words, some of which I can read and understand from previous studies, and know how to pronounce them because of the phonetics, but for most part I don't understand articles as a whole.
It further confounds me that after years of earnest study, how I can know so little? With what kind of further study could I have gotten to the point where I could read this newspaper? And I can't imagine even a lifetime's effort having me reading Chinese without the phonetics.
Basically I'm just tormenting myself, reminding myself that there is no effort that is worth it or will come to any fruition. Having suicide as a goal and death as the only thing worth learning about is all there is. There is no excuse for the distractions and pretending they are anything else than distraction, i.e., a waste.
Sparse typhoon season, too. I think only two typhoons hit Taiwan. A one-two punch a few months ago, one right after the other with a strange sunny (but windy) day in Taipei between them. One went right across the island and the other swept up it; a hook and an uppercut. The destruction was typical, not disastrous.
Yesterday was the first day I woke up and checked the thermometer and it was below 80 degrees. That's autumn cooling in Taiwan! Air conditioning has been off for several weeks now. Fan is still on almost all the time. Sometimes I'll turn it off, only to turn it back on in short order.
The nature of my self-distractions to get from day to day has changed since cutting back on drinking and the resultant clarity. For one, I've stopped reading books I'm interested in at public libraries and I've gone back to reading a Chinese newspaper that has the phonetic pronunciation next to each character.
It's a newspaper for students, both native children whose knowledge of Chinese characters is still growing and foreigners here to learn the language. For me to read this newspaper is an exercise in pointlessness.
I consider my Chinese language learning at an end and having ended in failure. The point in reading this newspaper is to rub it in how much of a failure I've been in learning the language.
I can run my eyes over the words, some of which I can read and understand from previous studies, and know how to pronounce them because of the phonetics, but for most part I don't understand articles as a whole.
It further confounds me that after years of earnest study, how I can know so little? With what kind of further study could I have gotten to the point where I could read this newspaper? And I can't imagine even a lifetime's effort having me reading Chinese without the phonetics.
Basically I'm just tormenting myself, reminding myself that there is no effort that is worth it or will come to any fruition. Having suicide as a goal and death as the only thing worth learning about is all there is. There is no excuse for the distractions and pretending they are anything else than distraction, i.e., a waste.
Friday, October 06, 2017
The most sobering part of sobriety may be the clarity. Well, after the not drinking all the time thing.
It's not that I wasn't clear-thinking-ish when constantly drinking. I felt I was thinking clearly, and if I wasn't I was at least subjectively thinking clearly enough. But certainly sense reality as a whole took on a muddled or muted feel, amenable to distraction.
Since cutting back on drinking, I've been trying to alter my daily existence to stop being a distraction-to-distraction conveyor belt from day to day. It's still a work in progress. Can't say a particularly successful one, though.
As a grandmaster of distraction, all I've done so far is switch out my old daily distractions with new ones. That's not a total fail, as I tell myself that at least I wasn't attached to those distractions as a way of being. Also, the changes may be seen as first steps to further changes. Like pulling myself out of quicksand.
Ultimately, I'm trying to get focused on the task at hand; what I want to do, what I keep saying is the purpose of my life and where I've led it. Cutting back on drinking, increased sobriety lead to focus on ending this life, this manifestation. Move on already.
There's a frustration that alcohol has been muting all these years. Drinking less allows me to be more acutely aware of it. So I decide to soberize because I realized drinking isn't going to kill me, and that leads to clarity about the frustration that I'm still alive and the need to focus on suicide as the goal. I can't figure out if that's ironic or logical.
The worst thing the distractions do is fool me into feeling like I'm doing something worthwhile or personally productive. That feeling, for most part, shuttles me from day to day. Laziness contributes, too. Too lazy to commit suicide. Never having encountered the external "unbearable" is also part of it. Nothing particularly or immediately compelling to commit suicide has led to complacency. Never been tested.
So why is it now, this time's newfound clarity that is suddenly compelling? I could rattle off a whole bunch of reasons, but they're the same reasons, I'm sure, that I've been citing for years, if not decades. Actually yes, decades.
I have no reason to believe that I won't be alive in six months' time back to drinking a bottle a day.
And that's the point where I shut up because it becomes a theoretical, abstract stream of thought. I really want to focus this time, I really want to do it, but I've said and done this over and over before. It's an incredibly consistent internal dialogue that has become like a recurring nightmare.
And I want to say something is different this time, but I've said that over and over, too. Something's gotta be different this time. I've probably said that before, too.
It's not that I wasn't clear-thinking-ish when constantly drinking. I felt I was thinking clearly, and if I wasn't I was at least subjectively thinking clearly enough. But certainly sense reality as a whole took on a muddled or muted feel, amenable to distraction.
Since cutting back on drinking, I've been trying to alter my daily existence to stop being a distraction-to-distraction conveyor belt from day to day. It's still a work in progress. Can't say a particularly successful one, though.
As a grandmaster of distraction, all I've done so far is switch out my old daily distractions with new ones. That's not a total fail, as I tell myself that at least I wasn't attached to those distractions as a way of being. Also, the changes may be seen as first steps to further changes. Like pulling myself out of quicksand.
Ultimately, I'm trying to get focused on the task at hand; what I want to do, what I keep saying is the purpose of my life and where I've led it. Cutting back on drinking, increased sobriety lead to focus on ending this life, this manifestation. Move on already.
There's a frustration that alcohol has been muting all these years. Drinking less allows me to be more acutely aware of it. So I decide to soberize because I realized drinking isn't going to kill me, and that leads to clarity about the frustration that I'm still alive and the need to focus on suicide as the goal. I can't figure out if that's ironic or logical.
The worst thing the distractions do is fool me into feeling like I'm doing something worthwhile or personally productive. That feeling, for most part, shuttles me from day to day. Laziness contributes, too. Too lazy to commit suicide. Never having encountered the external "unbearable" is also part of it. Nothing particularly or immediately compelling to commit suicide has led to complacency. Never been tested.
So why is it now, this time's newfound clarity that is suddenly compelling? I could rattle off a whole bunch of reasons, but they're the same reasons, I'm sure, that I've been citing for years, if not decades. Actually yes, decades.
I have no reason to believe that I won't be alive in six months' time back to drinking a bottle a day.
And that's the point where I shut up because it becomes a theoretical, abstract stream of thought. I really want to focus this time, I really want to do it, but I've said and done this over and over before. It's an incredibly consistent internal dialogue that has become like a recurring nightmare.
And I want to say something is different this time, but I've said that over and over, too. Something's gotta be different this time. I've probably said that before, too.
Wednesday, September 20, 2017
I officially no longer have phone service. My phone is a 2G Samsung slider phone which drops jaws whenever I show it to anyone. The strong reaction is an indication of how complete and thorough the homogenization of the cell phone landscape has become.
You can pull out a CD Walkman or even a cassette player and maybe get a surprised or impressed reaction; you know, whatever floats your boat. But if you're not using a so-called "smart" phone, people flip out like you lifted your shirt and showed the still-attached fetus of your stillborn twin that you had actually murdered in the womb.
It's probably a matter of time before kids are wondering "what's a slider phone"? What's a "dial tone"? Why do you "roll down" a car window? Why do you "trip" on acid? Duh, because when you're on drugs you lose equilibrium and stumble and fall a lot.
2G service ended in Taiwan at the end of June, but I read conflicting reports about a grace period of continued service to let people upgrade. One report said that there would be a six month grace period until the end of the year and it was all excuse for me to do nothing.
I got my usual $9 (NT$288) phone bill in July. Then in August I got one that was a little over a dollar. Then in September none at all. Then I met up with someone on Monday and had him try to call and text my phone and confirmed there was no service. There was no grace period.
There's still no point for me to upgrade to a 4G phone and service which will certainly be an "upgrade" of more than $9 a month. Nine dollars per month on the same service as when I first got to Taiwan was more than I needed. My sparse and irregular annual phone usage certainly doesn't justify upgrading. Good riddance to those people.
Furthermore, I know absolutely nothing about 4G phones or services provided. I'm not about to buy something I know nothing about and I don't know anyone to give me a primer. And being so far behind the learning curve as it is, I would only accept learning from someone from whom it wouldn't be a complete embarrassment. No one, that is.
I'm hopelessly behind on all technologies, I shouldn't wonder. I browse technology news sites and I have no idea what most of the headlines mean. At most I'll recognize a prominent company or product name. That's it.
I've heard opinions that people are moving towards not having a physical music collection, where files on a computer are considered "physical". My main workhorse listening to music is the iPod Shuffle and it has just recently been discontinued.
Coincidentally, I bought a new one the last time I was in the U.S., and apparently it's the last one I'll buy. I have three working iPod Shuffles, none of which have impressive battery life, even the new one. The very way I listen to music has a finite lifespan!
Being left behind by the relentless march of technology. Being disconnected and isolated. Indicative of a good time to check out.
Ooh, that's almost haiku!
Here:
Being left behind
Technology disconnect
Good time to check out
You can pull out a CD Walkman or even a cassette player and maybe get a surprised or impressed reaction; you know, whatever floats your boat. But if you're not using a so-called "smart" phone, people flip out like you lifted your shirt and showed the still-attached fetus of your stillborn twin that you had actually murdered in the womb.
It's probably a matter of time before kids are wondering "what's a slider phone"? What's a "dial tone"? Why do you "roll down" a car window? Why do you "trip" on acid? Duh, because when you're on drugs you lose equilibrium and stumble and fall a lot.
2G service ended in Taiwan at the end of June, but I read conflicting reports about a grace period of continued service to let people upgrade. One report said that there would be a six month grace period until the end of the year and it was all excuse for me to do nothing.
I got my usual $9 (NT$288) phone bill in July. Then in August I got one that was a little over a dollar. Then in September none at all. Then I met up with someone on Monday and had him try to call and text my phone and confirmed there was no service. There was no grace period.
There's still no point for me to upgrade to a 4G phone and service which will certainly be an "upgrade" of more than $9 a month. Nine dollars per month on the same service as when I first got to Taiwan was more than I needed. My sparse and irregular annual phone usage certainly doesn't justify upgrading. Good riddance to those people.
Furthermore, I know absolutely nothing about 4G phones or services provided. I'm not about to buy something I know nothing about and I don't know anyone to give me a primer. And being so far behind the learning curve as it is, I would only accept learning from someone from whom it wouldn't be a complete embarrassment. No one, that is.
I'm hopelessly behind on all technologies, I shouldn't wonder. I browse technology news sites and I have no idea what most of the headlines mean. At most I'll recognize a prominent company or product name. That's it.
I've heard opinions that people are moving towards not having a physical music collection, where files on a computer are considered "physical". My main workhorse listening to music is the iPod Shuffle and it has just recently been discontinued.
Coincidentally, I bought a new one the last time I was in the U.S., and apparently it's the last one I'll buy. I have three working iPod Shuffles, none of which have impressive battery life, even the new one. The very way I listen to music has a finite lifespan!
Being left behind by the relentless march of technology. Being disconnected and isolated. Indicative of a good time to check out.
Ooh, that's almost haiku!
Here:
Being left behind
Technology disconnect
Good time to check out
Thursday, September 14, 2017
I decided to cut back drinking in dramatic fashion because of the realization that it's not going to kill me and therefore serves no purpose. So not constantly drinking, it's . . . sobering. Sobriety; interesting and strange with all its side-effects.
The constant drinking was making me feel like shit, and I think I can confirm that all, if not most, of my gripes and grievances regarding my gut and physical ailments were alcohol-related. Appetite is back and that's great. I don't struggle to eat and that's great. Eating more than once a day is, um, OK.
A bummer is that I get hungry now. Sometimes I find myself looking around my apartment at untimely moments to see if there are any morsels to munch on and glad for a pack of crackers.
A minor inconvenience is having to think of eating twice a day. I know, poor baby. But for years I've only had to think of it once and get it out of the way. Saved time and money, too. Well, time at least. I'm not doing the math, but I'm getting the sense that the amount I'm spending on more food is still offset by what I'm not spending on alcohol.
I've taken to looking for places to eat on Google maps. I wonder if anyone else does this. You can check out photos of eateries that are mapped out on Google maps and see what the place and the food look like and if it's appealing. Key for me is whether there is a readable photo of the menu if deciphering from Chinese is needed.
Sleep I mentioned has been "alright". It has continued to be alright, meaning no nights that I would call insomnia. The hours I've been sleeping aren't a lot, but it's never felt like insomnia, I haven't been struggling with it.
It's not insomnia where I can't sleep. It's just that I'm not sleeping a lot, but when I get up I'm satisfied with how much I slept. I may crash during the day or need a power nap, but it doesn't feel like I'm dealing with a problem.
Actually insomnia rarely led to crashes or power naps. Not getting enough sleep leads to a fatigue switch flipping and crashing, nodding off or power napping. With insomnia, there is no switch or it's a dead switch and nothing happens.
And this change occurs right after I cut back on drinking. The relationship between alcohol and sleep wouldn't surprise anyone, but with my type of insomnia, I would be surprised if it all hinged on alcohol.
I thought my insomnia was of a particular type that I was able to brush off cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), the most common treatment for insomnia. I thought there were deeper psychological issues involved or even a physiological basis that psychiatry isn't even looking for.
If it turns out it was all just because of alcohol, I'd be a little disappointed. Although I wonder how drinking less affects my other sleep-related quirks. For instance, I can't fall asleep unless there's music in the background. Every night, the last thing I do before turning off the light is play a CD with a 30 minute timer set. Eventually, I guess, I'll get around to test if this is still so.
Another one that is unlikely to be tested is that I can't fall asleep if there's someone else in the room. I have to be alone. That probably fits well if the other person isn't happy about music playing in the background.
You know, I keep starting these posts with something I want to say, but end up writing about all these other things. Distractions. That's what I continue to do, constantly distracting myself.
The constant drinking was making me feel like shit, and I think I can confirm that all, if not most, of my gripes and grievances regarding my gut and physical ailments were alcohol-related. Appetite is back and that's great. I don't struggle to eat and that's great. Eating more than once a day is, um, OK.
A bummer is that I get hungry now. Sometimes I find myself looking around my apartment at untimely moments to see if there are any morsels to munch on and glad for a pack of crackers.
A minor inconvenience is having to think of eating twice a day. I know, poor baby. But for years I've only had to think of it once and get it out of the way. Saved time and money, too. Well, time at least. I'm not doing the math, but I'm getting the sense that the amount I'm spending on more food is still offset by what I'm not spending on alcohol.
I've taken to looking for places to eat on Google maps. I wonder if anyone else does this. You can check out photos of eateries that are mapped out on Google maps and see what the place and the food look like and if it's appealing. Key for me is whether there is a readable photo of the menu if deciphering from Chinese is needed.
Sleep I mentioned has been "alright". It has continued to be alright, meaning no nights that I would call insomnia. The hours I've been sleeping aren't a lot, but it's never felt like insomnia, I haven't been struggling with it.
It's not insomnia where I can't sleep. It's just that I'm not sleeping a lot, but when I get up I'm satisfied with how much I slept. I may crash during the day or need a power nap, but it doesn't feel like I'm dealing with a problem.
Actually insomnia rarely led to crashes or power naps. Not getting enough sleep leads to a fatigue switch flipping and crashing, nodding off or power napping. With insomnia, there is no switch or it's a dead switch and nothing happens.
And this change occurs right after I cut back on drinking. The relationship between alcohol and sleep wouldn't surprise anyone, but with my type of insomnia, I would be surprised if it all hinged on alcohol.
I thought my insomnia was of a particular type that I was able to brush off cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT), the most common treatment for insomnia. I thought there were deeper psychological issues involved or even a physiological basis that psychiatry isn't even looking for.
If it turns out it was all just because of alcohol, I'd be a little disappointed. Although I wonder how drinking less affects my other sleep-related quirks. For instance, I can't fall asleep unless there's music in the background. Every night, the last thing I do before turning off the light is play a CD with a 30 minute timer set. Eventually, I guess, I'll get around to test if this is still so.
Another one that is unlikely to be tested is that I can't fall asleep if there's someone else in the room. I have to be alone. That probably fits well if the other person isn't happy about music playing in the background.
You know, I keep starting these posts with something I want to say, but end up writing about all these other things. Distractions. That's what I continue to do, constantly distracting myself.
Thursday, September 07, 2017
I've started morning sitting again after a two month break. The superficial excuse to stop was the heat. It's really hot, I don't want to sit. But that's really not a reason to stop, at least not in my room where I have the means to keep reasonably comfortable. I just didn't wanna.
I think I needed the break. I recall I was having trouble with practice in general in the first half of the year. I'm sure that played a part when I woke up one morning as daily temperatures were rising and air conditioner days had begun and decided not to sit. But then not sitting continued and it became habit. Instead I'd turn on the MLB baseball game airing live the previous evening in the States. That's another bad habit distraction; having baseball on every morning. Not sitting meant turning on the game earlier instead of in a later inning. Don't judge me. ok, maybe a little.
After two months, the hell heat started to weaken in late August and I woke up one morning and decided to sit and it just snapped back into place like I've never been gone. It was no big deal either way. That's just the way I approach the practice.
A part of me may have wondered whether I was doing something wrong. Why wasn't I bothered when practice got weak? Why didn't it bother me when I stopped sitting? Was I not at all worried that I wouldn't or couldn't get back into it? That's just not the way I approach the practice. I'm very laissez-faire about it. I just don't put that kind of pressure on myself for whatever reason. It's counter-productive? I'm lazy? Whatever. I don't believe in being hard on myself. I don't even know what it means to be hard on myself. That's possibly a character flaw.
An'ther hell hot summer done. I've mentioned it before. They've been a feature of Taipei summers over recent years, possibly, if not probably (if not definitely), an effect of global warming. I stopped going for rides in the afternoon because of hell heat. I thought of switching rides to mornings, but that never happened. Too busy watching baseball :p
Hell heat is sweltering, suffocating, oppressive; and going outside means going directly to somewhere that has air conditioning. No lingering, wandering, meandering or taking the long way home. Bangkok was like that when I was there 20 years ago. I've never felt it anywhere in the U.S.
Unfortunately there apparently has been recent government encouragement for public establishments to set thermostats higher to save energy. It used to be that you could step into any indoor space and be greeted with an immediate, refreshing, arctic blast of air-conditioning. Some places are still like that, but more and more places greet you with unsatisfying, lukewarm, tepid air-conditioning. I don't know if it's a city or national government directive, but I wouldn't vote for them if I could figure out how for the next elections.
The hell heat may have broken, but it's still subtropical summer hot. A lot of people still find this uncomfortable, but I'm alright with it. It still means having a fan on me all the time at home, even all night. None of that oscillating shit.
I guess that is a change from before, either indicating a hotter climate or me becoming more sensitive with age. I used to get uncomfortable with a fan blowing directly on me for extended periods of time. Not in this heat. Before at night, the fan would oscillate and the timer would turn it off after three hours. Now it blows and blows all the time. All the time, it blows.
I think I needed the break. I recall I was having trouble with practice in general in the first half of the year. I'm sure that played a part when I woke up one morning as daily temperatures were rising and air conditioner days had begun and decided not to sit. But then not sitting continued and it became habit. Instead I'd turn on the MLB baseball game airing live the previous evening in the States. That's another bad habit distraction; having baseball on every morning. Not sitting meant turning on the game earlier instead of in a later inning. Don't judge me. ok, maybe a little.
After two months, the hell heat started to weaken in late August and I woke up one morning and decided to sit and it just snapped back into place like I've never been gone. It was no big deal either way. That's just the way I approach the practice.
A part of me may have wondered whether I was doing something wrong. Why wasn't I bothered when practice got weak? Why didn't it bother me when I stopped sitting? Was I not at all worried that I wouldn't or couldn't get back into it? That's just not the way I approach the practice. I'm very laissez-faire about it. I just don't put that kind of pressure on myself for whatever reason. It's counter-productive? I'm lazy? Whatever. I don't believe in being hard on myself. I don't even know what it means to be hard on myself. That's possibly a character flaw.
An'ther hell hot summer done. I've mentioned it before. They've been a feature of Taipei summers over recent years, possibly, if not probably (if not definitely), an effect of global warming. I stopped going for rides in the afternoon because of hell heat. I thought of switching rides to mornings, but that never happened. Too busy watching baseball :p
Hell heat is sweltering, suffocating, oppressive; and going outside means going directly to somewhere that has air conditioning. No lingering, wandering, meandering or taking the long way home. Bangkok was like that when I was there 20 years ago. I've never felt it anywhere in the U.S.
Unfortunately there apparently has been recent government encouragement for public establishments to set thermostats higher to save energy. It used to be that you could step into any indoor space and be greeted with an immediate, refreshing, arctic blast of air-conditioning. Some places are still like that, but more and more places greet you with unsatisfying, lukewarm, tepid air-conditioning. I don't know if it's a city or national government directive, but I wouldn't vote for them if I could figure out how for the next elections.
The hell heat may have broken, but it's still subtropical summer hot. A lot of people still find this uncomfortable, but I'm alright with it. It still means having a fan on me all the time at home, even all night. None of that oscillating shit.
I guess that is a change from before, either indicating a hotter climate or me becoming more sensitive with age. I used to get uncomfortable with a fan blowing directly on me for extended periods of time. Not in this heat. Before at night, the fan would oscillate and the timer would turn it off after three hours. Now it blows and blows all the time. All the time, it blows.
Saturday, September 02, 2017
Perhaps some insight into the expert level of my self-distraction: I've spent the summer reading the Harry Potter series of books. HBO was also accommodating with a timely broadcast of the series of movies. Twice, in fact, so I had the opportunity to read the books in conjunction with watching the movies. I'm reminded of this as the entire movie series has been broadcast back-to-back these past few days. Twice! I'm not watching it, I've quite had my fill.
I think it's really impossible to say whether the books or the movies are better. They are quite complementary with their pros and cons. What the movies do great are things that are lacking in the books, and what the movies miss out on are provided in the books. The movies' strengths are their visuals, economy and consistency over 8 films and 7 years. One of their main weaknesses is related to their economy and the amount of information that was necessarily left out. The books' strength is the detail and fleshing out of information that was left out of the movies. At varying points, that's also the books' weakness when they go overboard in detail and prattling discussions that go on ridiculously long and are tightened up in the movies.
One more prominently memorable of the examples is in the Prisoner of Azkaban in the Shake Shack scene when Sirius and Lupin confront each other. In the book it's a long drawn out verbal confrontation. Tensions and emotions are high, wands are threateningly drawn, and . . . they're having a conversation. It's an action point, and that's what the movie realizes. Instead of the drawn-out discussion, Lupin arrives already having figured out the conclusion of the discussion in the book, explained in a very economical and logical way.
There is so much detail in the books that is not included in the movies that it may seem that a lot is lost in just viewing the movies. Maybe so, but it doesn't feel that way and the movies are still great on their own. Unlike The Lord of the Rings, the complementary nature of the books and films is strong.
An example that comes to mind of the opposite, where the book explains what the movie doesn't is in the last book. At the beginning of the movie version, the Dursleys are leaving with the brief and hurried explanation that it "isn't safe anymore". The book is much more satisfying in going into why it isn't safe anymore. And it's not just that the Dursleys are leaving, but they had been told by the Order of the Phoenix that they had to go and would be escorted to safety by Order members, and the Dursleys actually weren't sure whether to believe them or not and equivocated about leaving.
There isn't a contradiction between the pros and cons of the Harry Potter movies and the books. You can enjoy the movies without the details, then read the books and get the details, but then still enjoy the movies with the added information. That's different from the Lord of the Rings which I both watched and read in conjunction several years ago. Unlike Harry Potter, the Lord of the Rings books are flat out superior to the movies. The Lord of the Rings books are near arguably considered literature, whereas the Harry Potter books, I shouldn't wonder, will never be more than Young Adult fiction with a wider appeal. That's not a diss; they are what they are, and are very good at what they are.
The contradiction I find in the Lord of the Rings is that if you haven't read the books, how the hell do you know who everyone is and what their motivations are? And if you have read the books and know who everyone is and what their motivations are, then how do you watch the movies and not think how inferior they are (story-wise) to the books and how much is wrong or missing?
There are also substantial differences between the Harry Potter books and movies, and some the books do better or worse, and some the movies do better or worse. For most part, I think the movies' economy on plot points actually improves the story. Scenes that are convoluted in the books are presented in the movies in a way that improves them. And some not. For example, the fate of the elder wand in the last movie is terrible compared to the book. In the book, it makes much more sense and has much more meaning and is more consistent to Harry's character and his relationship to Dumbledore.
Finally, if I were a parent whose children were interested in the Harry Potter series, I would require them to read each book before watching the movie. Partly because watching the movie first just seems lazy. There's also an element of encouraging literacy and patience in investing the time and effort into reading a book and using imagination, instead of just being fed someone else's visualization of the story (albeit a very good visualization). I don't think children would read a book and then watch the movie noticing what was left out. That's what critical adults do because we don't know how to just enjoy and have fun anymore. Kids would likely enjoy the movie with the extra information simply incorporated into their viewing experience.
I think it's really impossible to say whether the books or the movies are better. They are quite complementary with their pros and cons. What the movies do great are things that are lacking in the books, and what the movies miss out on are provided in the books. The movies' strengths are their visuals, economy and consistency over 8 films and 7 years. One of their main weaknesses is related to their economy and the amount of information that was necessarily left out. The books' strength is the detail and fleshing out of information that was left out of the movies. At varying points, that's also the books' weakness when they go overboard in detail and prattling discussions that go on ridiculously long and are tightened up in the movies.
One more prominently memorable of the examples is in the Prisoner of Azkaban in the Shake Shack scene when Sirius and Lupin confront each other. In the book it's a long drawn out verbal confrontation. Tensions and emotions are high, wands are threateningly drawn, and . . . they're having a conversation. It's an action point, and that's what the movie realizes. Instead of the drawn-out discussion, Lupin arrives already having figured out the conclusion of the discussion in the book, explained in a very economical and logical way.
There is so much detail in the books that is not included in the movies that it may seem that a lot is lost in just viewing the movies. Maybe so, but it doesn't feel that way and the movies are still great on their own. Unlike The Lord of the Rings, the complementary nature of the books and films is strong.
An example that comes to mind of the opposite, where the book explains what the movie doesn't is in the last book. At the beginning of the movie version, the Dursleys are leaving with the brief and hurried explanation that it "isn't safe anymore". The book is much more satisfying in going into why it isn't safe anymore. And it's not just that the Dursleys are leaving, but they had been told by the Order of the Phoenix that they had to go and would be escorted to safety by Order members, and the Dursleys actually weren't sure whether to believe them or not and equivocated about leaving.
There isn't a contradiction between the pros and cons of the Harry Potter movies and the books. You can enjoy the movies without the details, then read the books and get the details, but then still enjoy the movies with the added information. That's different from the Lord of the Rings which I both watched and read in conjunction several years ago. Unlike Harry Potter, the Lord of the Rings books are flat out superior to the movies. The Lord of the Rings books are near arguably considered literature, whereas the Harry Potter books, I shouldn't wonder, will never be more than Young Adult fiction with a wider appeal. That's not a diss; they are what they are, and are very good at what they are.
The contradiction I find in the Lord of the Rings is that if you haven't read the books, how the hell do you know who everyone is and what their motivations are? And if you have read the books and know who everyone is and what their motivations are, then how do you watch the movies and not think how inferior they are (story-wise) to the books and how much is wrong or missing?
There are also substantial differences between the Harry Potter books and movies, and some the books do better or worse, and some the movies do better or worse. For most part, I think the movies' economy on plot points actually improves the story. Scenes that are convoluted in the books are presented in the movies in a way that improves them. And some not. For example, the fate of the elder wand in the last movie is terrible compared to the book. In the book, it makes much more sense and has much more meaning and is more consistent to Harry's character and his relationship to Dumbledore.
Finally, if I were a parent whose children were interested in the Harry Potter series, I would require them to read each book before watching the movie. Partly because watching the movie first just seems lazy. There's also an element of encouraging literacy and patience in investing the time and effort into reading a book and using imagination, instead of just being fed someone else's visualization of the story (albeit a very good visualization). I don't think children would read a book and then watch the movie noticing what was left out. That's what critical adults do because we don't know how to just enjoy and have fun anymore. Kids would likely enjoy the movie with the extra information simply incorporated into their viewing experience.
Thursday, August 31, 2017
I've been wanting to get less distracted by mundane things, but I have to admit that, although I do consider life a spectator sport, I do enjoy watching actual spectator sports, too. So it wasn't the greatest timing when the Vuelta a Espana and the 2017 Taipei Universiade both began on August 20.
The Vuelta is the third of three, three-week grand tours of cycling held annually, and I told myself I wouldn't follow it because I already watched this year's Giro d'Italia in the spring, and the Tour de France in July. They were grand distractions.
And I'm not following the Vuelta, per se, but I keep having it on in the background. Even though I'm not really paying attention to it, it's still just as much a distraction. I don't know why I don't just turn it off. I feel like I might miss something? Like I'm not already missing my life as it sieves through my fingers?
It's not like cycling is very exciting to watch. It's probably among the most boring sports to watch unless you're a hardcore fan and know the teams and the riders, along with their pets and hobbies. I know just enough to have it on in the background and be interested in the rare dramatic moment or development.
I'm so easily distracted, I'll likely continue having it on in the background for the remaining week and a half of the race. And when it's over, it will be a great relief to have my nights freed up, even though I was the one tying them up in the first place.
The Universiade just ended on the 30th. It was a major sporting event, the equivalent of the Olympics at the university level and is the second largest multi-discipline sporting event in the world after the Olympics.
Since it was held locally, it was a big deal and several local channels carried a multitude of events throughout the days. Even Eurosport, the channel which carries the Vuelta, aired a bunch of Universiade events live and in replay with English commentary.
Being distracted by the Universiade was more justified since it was local and it was exciting to watch. I did have trouble with my allegiances, though. Taiwan, U.S., South Korea, Japan? I'd have to tell myself that I couldn't, for example, root for South Korea or Japan over Taiwan or the U.S., but then didn't mind if the result was counter.
I think Taiwan did itself proud hosting the Universiade, with the notable exception of the opening ceremony face-palm when political protesters regarding a relatively petty local issue were able to disrupt the athletes' entry into the municipal stadium.
Fortunately that occurred so early that Taipei was able to redeem itself with smooth-running competitions for the rest of the games. There have been criticisms that come with any large sporting event, but all-in-all I get the impression that the athletes were satisfied, and when not focused on competition had a good experience here.
The Vuelta is the third of three, three-week grand tours of cycling held annually, and I told myself I wouldn't follow it because I already watched this year's Giro d'Italia in the spring, and the Tour de France in July. They were grand distractions.
And I'm not following the Vuelta, per se, but I keep having it on in the background. Even though I'm not really paying attention to it, it's still just as much a distraction. I don't know why I don't just turn it off. I feel like I might miss something? Like I'm not already missing my life as it sieves through my fingers?
It's not like cycling is very exciting to watch. It's probably among the most boring sports to watch unless you're a hardcore fan and know the teams and the riders, along with their pets and hobbies. I know just enough to have it on in the background and be interested in the rare dramatic moment or development.
I'm so easily distracted, I'll likely continue having it on in the background for the remaining week and a half of the race. And when it's over, it will be a great relief to have my nights freed up, even though I was the one tying them up in the first place.
The Universiade just ended on the 30th. It was a major sporting event, the equivalent of the Olympics at the university level and is the second largest multi-discipline sporting event in the world after the Olympics.
Since it was held locally, it was a big deal and several local channels carried a multitude of events throughout the days. Even Eurosport, the channel which carries the Vuelta, aired a bunch of Universiade events live and in replay with English commentary.
Being distracted by the Universiade was more justified since it was local and it was exciting to watch. I did have trouble with my allegiances, though. Taiwan, U.S., South Korea, Japan? I'd have to tell myself that I couldn't, for example, root for South Korea or Japan over Taiwan or the U.S., but then didn't mind if the result was counter.
I think Taiwan did itself proud hosting the Universiade, with the notable exception of the opening ceremony face-palm when political protesters regarding a relatively petty local issue were able to disrupt the athletes' entry into the municipal stadium.
Fortunately that occurred so early that Taipei was able to redeem itself with smooth-running competitions for the rest of the games. There have been criticisms that come with any large sporting event, but all-in-all I get the impression that the athletes were satisfied, and when not focused on competition had a good experience here.
Monday, August 28, 2017
Things are going well after over a week of severely cutting back on drinking. It still stands, though, that anything I say about drinking should be taken with a grain of salt. I don't know how things will be a week from now or a month or six from now.
That's the insidious part of alcoholism, I suppose. I can't discount the possibility, I can't even eliminate from imagination that at some point I'll be back to drinking near a bottle a day.
So instead of drinking shot by shot through a bottle over the course of a day, now I sip through a single shot (4 sips per shot) right before doing something that forces me to stop, either going to sleep or going out. I drink the single shots telling myself I'm gradually decreasing intake, rather than going cold turkey which might create more tension over time.
I find that upon committing to cutting back, I mostly don't even want to drink. Without that commitment, it's the opposite; the simplest suggestion or thought has me reaching for a drink. Someone drinking on TV is an invitation to join in.
Really I don't like the way it makes me feel. That first sip, even a tiny one, is harsh to the system and raises my body temperature uncomfortably. It makes me wonder why I'm doing this. I liked the way I felt before I took the sip better.
However, one alcoholic trait that remains strong is that once I start, it's a slippery slope. That's why I try to only pour a shot right before I plan to do something that precludes further drinking.
If I start and stay home, I will have sipped through 3 or 4 shots without much thought. That's still less than I was drinking before, but by that time the amount is immaterial. I'm in the grip of habit.
That's the insidious part of alcoholism, I suppose. I can't discount the possibility, I can't even eliminate from imagination that at some point I'll be back to drinking near a bottle a day.
So instead of drinking shot by shot through a bottle over the course of a day, now I sip through a single shot (4 sips per shot) right before doing something that forces me to stop, either going to sleep or going out. I drink the single shots telling myself I'm gradually decreasing intake, rather than going cold turkey which might create more tension over time.
I find that upon committing to cutting back, I mostly don't even want to drink. Without that commitment, it's the opposite; the simplest suggestion or thought has me reaching for a drink. Someone drinking on TV is an invitation to join in.
Really I don't like the way it makes me feel. That first sip, even a tiny one, is harsh to the system and raises my body temperature uncomfortably. It makes me wonder why I'm doing this. I liked the way I felt before I took the sip better.
However, one alcoholic trait that remains strong is that once I start, it's a slippery slope. That's why I try to only pour a shot right before I plan to do something that precludes further drinking.
If I start and stay home, I will have sipped through 3 or 4 shots without much thought. That's still less than I was drinking before, but by that time the amount is immaterial. I'm in the grip of habit.
Physically I started feeling better almost immediately. The stomach and intestinal issues disappeared within days and appetite has more or less returned. Is such a quick recovery suspicious? Maybe. Also maybe alcohol creates such stress on the gut that when it stops, the end of the distress comes quickly. How would I know? I ain't no doc.
Sleep has been alright, but not perfect. Perfect sleep? What the hell is that anyway? Certainly the decrease in alcohol must have some immediate effect on my sleeping patterns. Maybe 'alright' sleep is it.
Thursday, August 24, 2017
Where I am in life is the direct result of how I've lived my life with an affirmative aspiration or goal to commit suicide. Most everyone has an aspiration towards what they want to be. Most are socially acceptable. Mine is one that is not.
I don't know if I'm going to reach my goal. Many people don't reach theirs. But not reaching mine has consequences. People who don't have a specific aspiration still are or can be content, to varying extents, to float along.
The way I've lived my life precludes floating along indefinitely. If I don't commit suicide by choice, then I'll eventually reach circumstances where I'll feel it's the only option. That was the design. That was all the sabotaging I've done all through my life.
When it hit me that alcohol wasn't going to kill me and I'd have to do it, I balked. Isn't there any other way? It took a sleepless night of calm reflection to realize I didn't even want "any other way". That's part of the design, too. Run through the scenarios of re-entering living life, and nothing appeals. I don't even want to.
I can't suddenly decide that I want to live and re-enter living life. The thought only occurred to me because of fear and attachments. It is scary facing the end of one's life. And the attachment is primarily to these senses and this perspective that I call me, not to the stuff of the world. It's all I know and it's all going to disappear, and I'm the one who has to make it happen.
Anyway, I have to work on unraveling the routine of distractions that has come to make up my life. Or is it distractions of routine? Same difference.
Given its druthers, without external obligations or responsibilities, my daily life falls into routine. It creates its own things, a schedule, that it has to do. Much of it trivial and ridiculous, including being ruled by TV. This is a big problem.
The routine gives me something to do, creating a false sense of purpose and a conveyor belt to tomorrow, distracting me from figuring out that suicide is the only next step.
I don't know if I'm going to reach my goal. Many people don't reach theirs. But not reaching mine has consequences. People who don't have a specific aspiration still are or can be content, to varying extents, to float along.
The way I've lived my life precludes floating along indefinitely. If I don't commit suicide by choice, then I'll eventually reach circumstances where I'll feel it's the only option. That was the design. That was all the sabotaging I've done all through my life.
When it hit me that alcohol wasn't going to kill me and I'd have to do it, I balked. Isn't there any other way? It took a sleepless night of calm reflection to realize I didn't even want "any other way". That's part of the design, too. Run through the scenarios of re-entering living life, and nothing appeals. I don't even want to.
I can't suddenly decide that I want to live and re-enter living life. The thought only occurred to me because of fear and attachments. It is scary facing the end of one's life. And the attachment is primarily to these senses and this perspective that I call me, not to the stuff of the world. It's all I know and it's all going to disappear, and I'm the one who has to make it happen.
Anyway, I have to work on unraveling the routine of distractions that has come to make up my life. Or is it distractions of routine? Same difference.
Given its druthers, without external obligations or responsibilities, my daily life falls into routine. It creates its own things, a schedule, that it has to do. Much of it trivial and ridiculous, including being ruled by TV. This is a big problem.
The routine gives me something to do, creating a false sense of purpose and a conveyor belt to tomorrow, distracting me from figuring out that suicide is the only next step.
Sunday, August 20, 2017
The drinking was supposed to be the back-up plan. If I kept not ending my life, then eventually my health would fail from the constant drinking. That was the hare-brained theory.
But that testimony in the previous post makes a lot of sense to me, and it makes sense to 100% accept that I'm not going to die from alcohol-related health complications. The best I could expect from continuing to drink like that might be a long and painful existence that I'm possibly already feeling. Yea, I don't need that.
So the first conclusion is that constant drinking has no purpose, and I should stop. Now I have to face the truth of my alcoholism, which I never felt was a problem nor an addiction. It was a tool, a habit, something I did. I can stop any day. Well, it's any day.
I'm not going to assume it's going to be easy. I'm not going to try to go cold turkey. I think it's something I'll just have to deal with and observe week after week and any assessment, especially feeling good, will have to be taken with a grain of salt.
The second conclusion is that if I'm going to commit suicide, I can't rely on a back-up plan. That's pretty much what I've been doing. I've gone completely slack about having to actually do it. I was just letting the water flow under the bridge because I could let it. And the water's harmless if I'm sitting on the bridge.
For the past however many years I've been distracting myself, listening to music, collecting K-pop, cycling, running, maintaining mindfulness practice, watching sports and reading countless books in libraries, all the while drinking, drinking, drinking, thinking it's gotta kill me hopefully sooner rather than later.
It was laziness. Fading focus. I got sucked into enjoying just being able to live without ambition or wanting anything.
I wasn't having doubts or second thoughts about it. I want to die. This is for what I've been living my life. The exact place where I am in life is the result of having suicide as the affirmative goal. It's what this whole blog is supposed to be about.
So what I mentioned flippantly in the previous post about having to do it myself, was actually a reality-shattering wake-up call, prompting me to stop drinking and realize that I can't just be sitting around on this, distracting myself and filling time.
But that testimony in the previous post makes a lot of sense to me, and it makes sense to 100% accept that I'm not going to die from alcohol-related health complications. The best I could expect from continuing to drink like that might be a long and painful existence that I'm possibly already feeling. Yea, I don't need that.
So the first conclusion is that constant drinking has no purpose, and I should stop. Now I have to face the truth of my alcoholism, which I never felt was a problem nor an addiction. It was a tool, a habit, something I did. I can stop any day. Well, it's any day.
I'm not going to assume it's going to be easy. I'm not going to try to go cold turkey. I think it's something I'll just have to deal with and observe week after week and any assessment, especially feeling good, will have to be taken with a grain of salt.
The second conclusion is that if I'm going to commit suicide, I can't rely on a back-up plan. That's pretty much what I've been doing. I've gone completely slack about having to actually do it. I was just letting the water flow under the bridge because I could let it. And the water's harmless if I'm sitting on the bridge.
For the past however many years I've been distracting myself, listening to music, collecting K-pop, cycling, running, maintaining mindfulness practice, watching sports and reading countless books in libraries, all the while drinking, drinking, drinking, thinking it's gotta kill me hopefully sooner rather than later.
It was laziness. Fading focus. I got sucked into enjoying just being able to live without ambition or wanting anything.
I wasn't having doubts or second thoughts about it. I want to die. This is for what I've been living my life. The exact place where I am in life is the result of having suicide as the affirmative goal. It's what this whole blog is supposed to be about.
So what I mentioned flippantly in the previous post about having to do it myself, was actually a reality-shattering wake-up call, prompting me to stop drinking and realize that I can't just be sitting around on this, distracting myself and filling time.
Thursday, August 17, 2017
I've been feeling like crap starting this past weekend, along with two nights of complete insomnia. Then after a day or two of my anus feeling like it was going to explode, I took some Imodium multi-symptom relief (Diarrhea PLUS *Cramps & Pressure, *Gas, *Bloating) that I brought with me from the U.S.
It's over-the-counter, but I'm suspicious and wary about the U.S. pharmaceutical industry. It's obvious that profit is the most important thing to them, so I'm reluctant to take their products just because I'm feeling a bit off. I have to be pretty desperate and well into suffering to reach for the Imodium.
I write shit like this and then I realize I'm just repeating myself. Just a few posts back and I've already written what I'm experiencing now. It's chronic. The misery, the suffering, the realization that alcohol is probably at the root of it; variations on a theme.
I was desperate enough to take the Imodium and was feeling bad enough to drink as little as possible today. Even that I've done before, I know I've written about it.
I finally found a description on an internet forum of what happens when you drink a bottle of liquor a day for years that matches my experience. The question was about how long people can live (minor spelling and grammar edits):
Good question. Far longer than you might think. Depending on how well they take care of themselves, whether or not they have other diseases and barring drunken accidents they could very easily live for many years that way. People are a lot harder to kill than is generally believed. That being said, under the right conditions and keeping in mind that everyone’s body is different, a person could easily drink themselves to death in a relatively short amount of time. It really just depends.
A person who drinks that much daily will be experiencing daily diarrhea, dehydration, organ swelling, hemorrhoids, vomiting up of blood, vomiting, morning shakes, possibly seizures. They risk cancers, lesions and outright destruction of their entire digestive tract from mouth to anus. They run their liver ragged and inflame their pancreas often developing untreated diabetes. Its a long, painful death for all involved. I know because I drank a 5th of hard liquor every day for many years. I have done every drug and have been addicted to most of them at one time or another and can tell you from personal experience and from watching other alcoholics in rehabs and hospitals that alcohol is by far the most destructive and dangerous drug on a long enough time scale and we haven’t even touched on what it does to relationships and its costs to society.
Aside from alcohol, I don't take drugs. No addictions. No known disease and relatively good health runs through the family. When I drink, I don't engage in dangerous behavior. I don't get drunk per se, and every night I drink until I shut down my computer and wash my shot glass.
Reasonably athletic until recently when I couldn't be anymore. Probably because of the alcohol. My nutrition I'm sure leaves a lot to be desired, and has only gotten worse with the inability to eat. Also probably because of alcohol.
I can relate to the daily diarrhea, organ swelling (I have a perpetual paunch and I hardly eat anything), vomiting. The destruction of digestive tract resonates.
Much of what he writes resonates and suggests that my drinking is probably not going to kill me. It will just continue to bring misery and suffering. If I want to die, I'm going to have to take it into my own hands, so to speak.
And I have been thinking about it a lot recently even though I haven't mentioned anything (I probably actually have). Anything I have to say about suicide I've said before. I've just been giving it a harder look and realizing shit's got to get real.
It's over-the-counter, but I'm suspicious and wary about the U.S. pharmaceutical industry. It's obvious that profit is the most important thing to them, so I'm reluctant to take their products just because I'm feeling a bit off. I have to be pretty desperate and well into suffering to reach for the Imodium.
I write shit like this and then I realize I'm just repeating myself. Just a few posts back and I've already written what I'm experiencing now. It's chronic. The misery, the suffering, the realization that alcohol is probably at the root of it; variations on a theme.
I was desperate enough to take the Imodium and was feeling bad enough to drink as little as possible today. Even that I've done before, I know I've written about it.
I finally found a description on an internet forum of what happens when you drink a bottle of liquor a day for years that matches my experience. The question was about how long people can live (minor spelling and grammar edits):
Good question. Far longer than you might think. Depending on how well they take care of themselves, whether or not they have other diseases and barring drunken accidents they could very easily live for many years that way. People are a lot harder to kill than is generally believed. That being said, under the right conditions and keeping in mind that everyone’s body is different, a person could easily drink themselves to death in a relatively short amount of time. It really just depends.
A person who drinks that much daily will be experiencing daily diarrhea, dehydration, organ swelling, hemorrhoids, vomiting up of blood, vomiting, morning shakes, possibly seizures. They risk cancers, lesions and outright destruction of their entire digestive tract from mouth to anus. They run their liver ragged and inflame their pancreas often developing untreated diabetes. Its a long, painful death for all involved. I know because I drank a 5th of hard liquor every day for many years. I have done every drug and have been addicted to most of them at one time or another and can tell you from personal experience and from watching other alcoholics in rehabs and hospitals that alcohol is by far the most destructive and dangerous drug on a long enough time scale and we haven’t even touched on what it does to relationships and its costs to society.
Aside from alcohol, I don't take drugs. No addictions. No known disease and relatively good health runs through the family. When I drink, I don't engage in dangerous behavior. I don't get drunk per se, and every night I drink until I shut down my computer and wash my shot glass.
Reasonably athletic until recently when I couldn't be anymore. Probably because of the alcohol. My nutrition I'm sure leaves a lot to be desired, and has only gotten worse with the inability to eat. Also probably because of alcohol.
I can relate to the daily diarrhea, organ swelling (I have a perpetual paunch and I hardly eat anything), vomiting. The destruction of digestive tract resonates.
Much of what he writes resonates and suggests that my drinking is probably not going to kill me. It will just continue to bring misery and suffering. If I want to die, I'm going to have to take it into my own hands, so to speak.
And I have been thinking about it a lot recently even though I haven't mentioned anything (I probably actually have). Anything I have to say about suicide I've said before. I've just been giving it a harder look and realizing shit's got to get real.
Wednesday, August 09, 2017
2016 mix CDs
These 2016 CD mixes of my vanity project to make mixes of every year I've been alive took months of "little tweaks" to be satisfied with them. Maybe not "satisfied", but rather that I reached the point where I got tired of making any more changes.
Still all K-pop, although I did manage to fit in a David Bowie track from his last album; that was going to happen no matter what. I was concerned that it would stick out like a sore thumb, but I think I put it in a sequence of songs (the last five actually, with their minor feels) that creates an appropriate atmosphere without getting depressing. That song is probably the most emotional regarding his cancer and facing dying.
If I do this again for 2017, I think I'll make all effort to make it a single disc or not at all. I don't even know if that's even feasible. Looking at the rejected songs for 2016, they could fill a third CD and it still would have been pretty strong by my estimation. That's why it's hard to say I'm fully satisfied with the end result, a lot was left off.
The "unofficial stage mix" videos that are linked are fan made so it is left to be seen whether they get deleted in the long run. Still, they are so brilliantly done by this particular user that I thought they are worth linking at this point.
The transitions are so smooth that it's like watching a magic show. What's astounding is how the editor matched shots from multiple performances from different music programs (different camera crews and directors) and made the transitions look more like morphs.
2016 mix CD, part one (zip download):
1. Russian Roulette (Red Velvet) (full stage camcorder, Seulgi focus fancam, 2x speed version for people short on time)
2. Jealous 질투 (U Sung Eun x Kisum)
3. Sting 찔려 (Stellar) (choreography version)
4. No Oh Oh 아니야 (CLC) (choreography version)
5. Good Luck (AoA) (full stage camcorder)
6. Very Very Very (I.O.I) (full stage camcorder, unofficial stage mix)
7. Help Me (Brave Girls) (lyric video) (audio only)
8. To the Beautiful You (Wonder Girls)
9. So Good (Hyosung (Secret)) (lyric video) (audio only)
10. The Rain (Ladies' Code) (full stage camcorder)
11. Bambamhae (feat. Mad Clown/prod. by Gil (LeeSsang) (Yuk Ji Dam)
12. Day of Excess (Miryo (Brown Eyed Girls)) (lyric video) (audio only)
13. Free Time (Kisum) (audio only)
14. Are You Hungry? (EXID)
15. Next Page (Twice) (lyric video) (official audio)
16. Lip 2 Lip (Nine Muses A)
17. ViViD (HeeJin (LOOΠΔ))
18. Come In (Two X) (lyric video) (audio only)
19. Secret (Cosmic Girls)
20. Love Like This (Hyolin (Sistar))
21. I Do (Jeon Ji Yoon (ex-4minute))
22. Dollar Days (David Bowie) (official audio)
23. Missing U (Lee Hi) (official audio)
2016 mix CD, part two:
1. Magnet (Jeon Ji Yoon (ex-4minute))
2. Windy Day (Oh My Girl) (full stage camcorder, unofficial stage mix)
3. You Are the Moon (DIA (BinChaenHyunSeu))
4. High Heels (Brave Girls)
5. I'm Jelly Baby (AoA Cream) (full stage camcorder)
6. Around You (HyunJin (LOOΠΔ))
7. You're the Best (Mamamoo) (adlib compilation, full stage camcorder)
8. Keep On Doin' (Luna (f(x))
9. Shooting Love (Laboum) (unofficial stage mix, full stage camcorder)
10. Hate (Melody Day) (audio only)
11. Why So Lonely? (Wonder Girls)
12. Do As I Say (I.O.I) (lyric video) (audio only)
13. And July (feat. Dean, DJ Friz) (Heize)
14. 13 months, 32 Days (DIA (L.U.B.))
15. Only One (EXID) (lyric video) (Solji x Hani audio only)
16. Let Me In (HaSeul (LOOΠΔ))
17. Hoo Hoo Hoo (NC.A) (lyric video) (official audio)
18. I Like That (Sistar)
19. Ya Heart (Dal Shabet) (audio only)
20. Walkak (Baechigi) (audio only)
21. Smile (Jeon So Yeon)
22. TT (Twice) (full stage camcorder, unofficial stage mix)
2015 mix CD, part 2
Still all K-pop, although I did manage to fit in a David Bowie track from his last album; that was going to happen no matter what. I was concerned that it would stick out like a sore thumb, but I think I put it in a sequence of songs (the last five actually, with their minor feels) that creates an appropriate atmosphere without getting depressing. That song is probably the most emotional regarding his cancer and facing dying.
If I do this again for 2017, I think I'll make all effort to make it a single disc or not at all. I don't even know if that's even feasible. Looking at the rejected songs for 2016, they could fill a third CD and it still would have been pretty strong by my estimation. That's why it's hard to say I'm fully satisfied with the end result, a lot was left off.
The "unofficial stage mix" videos that are linked are fan made so it is left to be seen whether they get deleted in the long run. Still, they are so brilliantly done by this particular user that I thought they are worth linking at this point.
The transitions are so smooth that it's like watching a magic show. What's astounding is how the editor matched shots from multiple performances from different music programs (different camera crews and directors) and made the transitions look more like morphs.
2016 mix CD, part one (zip download):
1. Russian Roulette (Red Velvet) (full stage camcorder, Seulgi focus fancam, 2x speed version for people short on time)
2. Jealous 질투 (U Sung Eun x Kisum)
3. Sting 찔려 (Stellar) (choreography version)
4. No Oh Oh 아니야 (CLC) (choreography version)
5. Good Luck (AoA) (full stage camcorder)
6. Very Very Very (I.O.I) (full stage camcorder, unofficial stage mix)
7. Help Me (Brave Girls) (lyric video) (audio only)
8. To the Beautiful You (Wonder Girls)
9. So Good (Hyosung (Secret)) (lyric video) (audio only)
10. The Rain (Ladies' Code) (full stage camcorder)
11. Bambamhae (feat. Mad Clown/prod. by Gil (LeeSsang) (Yuk Ji Dam)
12. Day of Excess (Miryo (Brown Eyed Girls)) (lyric video) (audio only)
13. Free Time (Kisum) (audio only)
14. Are You Hungry? (EXID)
15. Next Page (Twice) (lyric video) (official audio)
16. Lip 2 Lip (Nine Muses A)
17. ViViD (HeeJin (LOOΠΔ))
18. Come In (Two X) (lyric video) (audio only)
19. Secret (Cosmic Girls)
20. Love Like This (Hyolin (Sistar))
21. I Do (Jeon Ji Yoon (ex-4minute))
22. Dollar Days (David Bowie) (official audio)
23. Missing U (Lee Hi) (official audio)
2016 mix CD, part two:
1. Magnet (Jeon Ji Yoon (ex-4minute))
2. Windy Day (Oh My Girl) (full stage camcorder, unofficial stage mix)
3. You Are the Moon (DIA (BinChaenHyunSeu))
4. High Heels (Brave Girls)
5. I'm Jelly Baby (AoA Cream) (full stage camcorder)
6. Around You (HyunJin (LOOΠΔ))
7. You're the Best (Mamamoo) (adlib compilation, full stage camcorder)
8. Keep On Doin' (Luna (f(x))
9. Shooting Love (Laboum) (unofficial stage mix, full stage camcorder)
10. Hate (Melody Day) (audio only)
11. Why So Lonely? (Wonder Girls)
12. Do As I Say (I.O.I) (lyric video) (audio only)
13. And July (feat. Dean, DJ Friz) (Heize)
14. 13 months, 32 Days (DIA (L.U.B.))
15. Only One (EXID) (lyric video) (Solji x Hani audio only)
16. Let Me In (HaSeul (LOOΠΔ))
17. Hoo Hoo Hoo (NC.A) (lyric video) (official audio)
18. I Like That (Sistar)
19. Ya Heart (Dal Shabet) (audio only)
20. Walkak (Baechigi) (audio only)
21. Smile (Jeon So Yeon)
22. TT (Twice) (full stage camcorder, unofficial stage mix)
2015 mix CD, part 2
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