Born Again: per Kateri
I have not had sex:
* for the entire time I was in the band
* for the entire time I lived in Noe Valley
* for the entire time I've had this job
And not only does this not bother me, but feels . . . appropriate.
It is said that the great samurai warrior Musashi Miyamoto used to stand naked under cold waterfalls to rid himself of sexual urges. Hehe, kinda reminds me of times in college when I'd see how long I could stand under a cold shower. Although it was for reasons that do not relate to a certain great samurai warrior. And mind you I'm a thin-skinned civilian.
Note to self: Make sure to reveal some private anecdote about Kateri in front of the Beale St. crowd.
current soundtrack: June of '44 - "Four Great Points"
Thursday, May 30, 2002
The Pattern:
- Become attracted to someone
- Get friendly and acquainted with that person
- Hang out with that person
- Get comfortable hanging out as friends
- Stop being attracted to that person, except as a friend
- Become attracted to someone else
- repeat adinfinitum nauseum.
I'm not thinking about anyone specific, the thought just occurred to me.
Keeping the ambiguity going, yay!:
Which Sailor Scout are you?
I would have banked on Sailor Mercury (who's on the back of my bass), who'da thunk?
- Become attracted to someone
- Get friendly and acquainted with that person
- Hang out with that person
- Get comfortable hanging out as friends
- Stop being attracted to that person, except as a friend
- Become attracted to someone else
- repeat ad
I'm not thinking about anyone specific, the thought just occurred to me.
Keeping the ambiguity going, yay!:
Which Sailor Scout are you?
I would have banked on Sailor Mercury (who's on the back of my bass), who'da thunk?
Wednesday, May 29, 2002
On Priorities:
I sat and watched while they talked about money, about making money, about buying houses, about mortgages and equity. About marriage, jobs, careers, salaries. This is what life becomes for a certain class of people. It's about comfort, it's about acquisition, it's about stability.
At one point someone mentions that if you're 30 and you're still doing what you were doing when you were 20, you've got a problem. I raised my hand.
Only I don't consider it a problem. I find the issues I dealt with when I was 20 much more compelling than the issues I'm expected to deal with in my 30's. I'm not like everybody else, and I'm not going to walk down that path. The issues of existence, of reality, of god (as always, open to full and diverse interpretation), of self, of meaning, are still far more compelling than issues of a house, or a family, or marriage, or a career. But in the natural course of modern, social development, existential issues are replaced by practicalism.
Life to me is . . . I dunno, an exploration, or a movie. You can hit stop on the VCR and open up the scene we just watched for discussion. Life is strange and weird and has all sorts of twists to figure out. Life is not a house to come home to after a day of work at career, have a cup of tea and a book, a partner and a dog, a favorite TV show or a video. I'm still here because I'm meant to be here. I haven't fully learned what I'm here to learn, so I've failed to leave. Once I've accomplished that, I can go.
I sat and watched while they talked, but for the first time, instead of distancing myself, telling myself that these matters are nothing I need be concerned with, I imagined myself in their place, saying what they were saying, wanting what they want, desiring what they desired. The first noble truth is "Life is suffering". It didn't matter that I wasn't in their shoes, but it was important not to distance myself from it.
current soundtrack: Death Cab for Cutie - "We Have the Facts and We're Voting Yes"
I sat and watched while they talked about money, about making money, about buying houses, about mortgages and equity. About marriage, jobs, careers, salaries. This is what life becomes for a certain class of people. It's about comfort, it's about acquisition, it's about stability.
At one point someone mentions that if you're 30 and you're still doing what you were doing when you were 20, you've got a problem. I raised my hand.
Only I don't consider it a problem. I find the issues I dealt with when I was 20 much more compelling than the issues I'm expected to deal with in my 30's. I'm not like everybody else, and I'm not going to walk down that path. The issues of existence, of reality, of god (as always, open to full and diverse interpretation), of self, of meaning, are still far more compelling than issues of a house, or a family, or marriage, or a career. But in the natural course of modern, social development, existential issues are replaced by practicalism.
Life to me is . . . I dunno, an exploration, or a movie. You can hit stop on the VCR and open up the scene we just watched for discussion. Life is strange and weird and has all sorts of twists to figure out. Life is not a house to come home to after a day of work at career, have a cup of tea and a book, a partner and a dog, a favorite TV show or a video. I'm still here because I'm meant to be here. I haven't fully learned what I'm here to learn, so I've failed to leave. Once I've accomplished that, I can go.
I sat and watched while they talked, but for the first time, instead of distancing myself, telling myself that these matters are nothing I need be concerned with, I imagined myself in their place, saying what they were saying, wanting what they want, desiring what they desired. The first noble truth is "Life is suffering". It didn't matter that I wasn't in their shoes, but it was important not to distance myself from it.
current soundtrack: Death Cab for Cutie - "We Have the Facts and We're Voting Yes"
Tuesday, May 28, 2002
"Catching a Cold" or "Why the Decision to Quit is Hard":
If quitting my job just meant quitting a job, it would be simple. But where is the drama? Where is the angst? Of course I have to make it a bigger deal than it probably is. I have to attach morbid significance to it or it just wouldn't be my style!
What the job means to me:
As mundane and banal as it is, the job is something to do, it's some place to be, it's something to be a part of, and yes, it is a part of identity so far as it is something functional. Losing the job would mean a certain structure or framework to my life would be kicked out from under me.
If quitting is in my stars, it means losing that framework. What other "framework" does my life have? Losing stability creates a void with the big question of what I'm going to do next. And the problem is there is nothing I want to do next. If I quit, that's it. I'm not going to look for a new job just to go through the rat-in-a-maze run around again. It's not worth it.
I'm glad I had this job because it proved to me that I can do it, I can be a part of functional society. I'm not that pathetic. I don't need to prove that anymore, any other reason to get another job would have to go beyond that. I need another motivation than proving myself. Otherwise, I can declare that that's it. I've done everything in this life that I wanted to. There's no more for me to get out of this life.
And that, dear reader, is the undercurrent reason of why it is hard to quit.
That's a really bad reason, seeing as what I'm doing now is not what I want to be doing anyway. If I don't want to go to what's next for fear that it will be the same, then there's no reason why I should stay where I am. Let it all go!
current soundtrack: Rainer Maria - "Past Worn Searching"
If quitting my job just meant quitting a job, it would be simple. But where is the drama? Where is the angst? Of course I have to make it a bigger deal than it probably is. I have to attach morbid significance to it or it just wouldn't be my style!
What the job means to me:
As mundane and banal as it is, the job is something to do, it's some place to be, it's something to be a part of, and yes, it is a part of identity so far as it is something functional. Losing the job would mean a certain structure or framework to my life would be kicked out from under me.
If quitting is in my stars, it means losing that framework. What other "framework" does my life have? Losing stability creates a void with the big question of what I'm going to do next. And the problem is there is nothing I want to do next. If I quit, that's it. I'm not going to look for a new job just to go through the rat-in-a-maze run around again. It's not worth it.
I'm glad I had this job because it proved to me that I can do it, I can be a part of functional society. I'm not that pathetic. I don't need to prove that anymore, any other reason to get another job would have to go beyond that. I need another motivation than proving myself. Otherwise, I can declare that that's it. I've done everything in this life that I wanted to. There's no more for me to get out of this life.
And that, dear reader, is the undercurrent reason of why it is hard to quit.
That's a really bad reason, seeing as what I'm doing now is not what I want to be doing anyway. If I don't want to go to what's next for fear that it will be the same, then there's no reason why I should stay where I am. Let it all go!
current soundtrack: Rainer Maria - "Past Worn Searching"
Saturday, May 25, 2002
764-HERO ROCKED!! They're not an easy band to get into. There's nothing catchy about them that would give them the mass appeal and larger audiences that Modest Mouse, Death Cab for Cutie, and Built to Spill, etc. When I first bought their "Get Here and Stay" CD (used) on the strength of their association with Modest Mouse (and did I mention it was used?), it took a while for it to take. I listened to it with a resounding, "eh".
But there was enough that I liked to give it a chance and keep listening to it, and his voice grew on me, the emotion in his voice started resonating, and the hooks started taking. It sucks that they might never make it big. But it also sucked that other of my fave bands of all time, Throwing Muses and Versus never made it big. Oh, is there a pattern here?
Setlist:
1. Terrified of Flight
2. Without Fire
3. Oceanbound
4. Loaded Painted Red
5. Weekends of Sound
6. Skylines
7. At the Surface
8. Photographic Evidence
9. Answers
10. Shoot a 45
11. You Were a Party
Singer John Atkins was manning the merch table when I arrived. I didn't know it was him since I've never seen clear enough pictures of him to recognize him. He was profusely grateful when I bought a t-shirt. How cool is that? He didn't know I bought a second shirt (different color and design) after they played (yes I have two 764-HERO shirts).
Pinback
Incredible show at Bottom of the Hill. The bass player is amazing. I didn't realize that on their latest record, what sounds like low-end guitar is really the bass playing really complicated shit in the upper registers and is the main support instrument.
I got to Bottom of the Hill early. Sadie and Bob also had tickets but were coming later, so I got a drink and went to the front of the stage to stake my claim. There was also another woman there right at the front. I'm not one to talk to strangers, I'm awful at starting random conversations, but she dropped something and so I said, "Hey kid, you dropped something", only I didn't say "kid". So she said thanks, picked it up and asked me if I knew any of the opening bands. We got into a conversation, talking about bands, work, our backgrounds, Taiwan, our childhood, our siblings, blah, blah, blah.
And then Sadie showed, smiling and waving and looking so fine, and she came over to say hi and I introduced them, "This is Sadie, this is . . . sorry, what's your name?". She says her name is Delphine. Upon learning each other's names, one of them, it could have been either, says to the other, "oh, you know Han?".
This city is so small that I've developed a look on my face for occassions such as that. It's a sort of "break-out-of-the-scene-and-look-into-the-camera, oh god, can you believe this?" look. It more often than not involves peering into the imaginary camera over the top of my glasses.
So Delphine knows Han through the personals at Salon.com. Sadie and Han are in a band together. Sadie and Delphine didn't know each other prior, but knew of each other through Han. Me, I'm just a catalyst, not a player in any of this. I close the circle between Han, Sadie, and Delphine, and go off on my merry way. I've done my job. Actually, it's not like that at all, but I wish it were.
I got to Bottom of the Hill early. Sadie and Bob also had tickets but were coming later, so I got a drink and went to the front of the stage to stake my claim. There was also another woman there right at the front. I'm not one to talk to strangers, I'm awful at starting random conversations, but she dropped something and so I said, "Hey kid, you dropped something", only I didn't say "kid". So she said thanks, picked it up and asked me if I knew any of the opening bands. We got into a conversation, talking about bands, work, our backgrounds, Taiwan, our childhood, our siblings, blah, blah, blah.
And then Sadie showed, smiling and waving and looking so fine, and she came over to say hi and I introduced them, "This is Sadie, this is . . . sorry, what's your name?". She says her name is Delphine. Upon learning each other's names, one of them, it could have been either, says to the other, "oh, you know Han?".
This city is so small that I've developed a look on my face for occassions such as that. It's a sort of "break-out-of-the-scene-and-look-into-the-camera, oh god, can you believe this?" look. It more often than not involves peering into the imaginary camera over the top of my glasses.
So Delphine knows Han through the personals at Salon.com. Sadie and Han are in a band together. Sadie and Delphine didn't know each other prior, but knew of each other through Han. Me, I'm just a catalyst, not a player in any of this. I close the circle between Han, Sadie, and Delphine, and go off on my merry way. I've done my job. Actually, it's not like that at all, but I wish it were.
Thursday, May 23, 2002
Survey I nicked from someone but don't remember who:
i'm sure you know
fad you wish you had never bought into: I've never bought into a fad. Really. Well, at least not until they were no longer fads.
city you would next like to live in: Taipei
body part you would most like to change: all of them except my ears.
food you used to love and now can't stand: baby food.
childhood idol: Peter Gabriel (I had a long childhood)
biggest leap of faith: that none of this is real, none of this exists, it's all symbolic, it's kinda like a movie.
worst job: spider breeder
least favorite drug: reality
least favorite slang word: cunt
guilty pleasure tv show: Namaste America
favorite song in eighth grade: Achilles Last Stand (Led Zeppelin)
cd or tape you are most ashamed of: I dunno. If I have it, why would I be ashamed of it? Jethro Tull's Aqualung? All of my Supertramp?
favorite screen couple: hetero: the 'Mad About You' couple, I guess. homo: Roslyn & Cicely ('Northern Exposure' - one friggin' episode).
most hated celebrity: Tom Hanks
first crush: Yuko Uda
favorite halloween costume: dead person
first concert: Van Halen
ever seen a ghost? yes, a la Maxine Hong Kingston's Woman Warrior.
first friend: James Liu and Kenny Wong, what the hell?
favorite simpsons character: how can you expect me to choose? how can you expect me to choose?!!
re-occurring dreams: that I get into some sort of fight and all of my blows have no effect.
favorite playground equipment: swings. or monkey bars.
number of first cousins: 13
name of freshman year dorm: Quadrangle (New Jersey Asia House)
summer camp: Camp Robin Hood
current music: blood running through my veins. And Mary Timony - "The Golden Dove"
WordsCharactersReading time
Tuesday, May 21, 2002
Sadie and I have been getting together in our spare time to jam and write songs. It has been loads of fun and I think we have good chemistry. But then she started me singing and working with words. For that, I insisted, I need to be reasonably inebriated. I have issues regarding comfort level – more about being comfortable with what I'm doing than with doing it with her. And it's only with voice and words. With guitar and bass, we can jam happily for long periods of time.
We've talked about alcoholism. Her family-line is predisposed, mine's is not. She doesn't drink when we jam, I don't become an asshole. She sent me this link. Which was kind of timely, since I drank through the afternoon with Sadie on Saturday, but when my brother got here, it hasn't even occurred to me to drink out of context. I had a beer at dinner Saturday night.
So here are my answers to one set of questions, plus commentary and qualification:
1 - Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so, but only lasted for a couple of days? No. I've done that and it was easy to stop for the given time period.
2 - Do you wish people would mind their own business about your drinking – stop telling you what to do? Nope, bring it on. If people I care about are concerned, I'll be honest about it.
3 - Have you ever switched from one kind of drink to another in the hope that this would keep you from getting drunk? Never even heard of that.
4 - Have you had to have an eye-opener upon awakening during the past year? No. I've had drinks in the morning on rare occasion, but never as an "eye-opener", never to "get started", or "stop shaking". Geez, who writes these questions?
5 - Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble? No. I envy people who BUI (blog under the influence) and don't go through their "sent items" e-mail box with surprised regret the next morning.
6 - Have you had problems connected with drinking during the past year? No.
7 - Has your drinking caused trouble at home? See item 5.
8 - Do you ever try to get "extra" drinks at a party because you do not get enough? I might drink before a social gathering where there will be drinks anyway, but I don't consider that getting "extra" drinks because I am anticipating a shortage thereof at said gathering. I will drink before a social occasion where there will not be drinking, but not before one that requires lucidity.
9 - Do you tell yourself you can stop drinking any time you want to, even though you keep getting drunk when you don't mean to? I do tell myself I can stop any day, but I don't get drunk when I don't mean to. What the hell does that mean anyway?
10 - Have you missed days of work or school because of drinking? Never.
11 - Do you have "blackouts"? Just once I don't remember how I got under the covers.
12 - Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not drink? Yes, but I'm not trying to make my life better.
Monday, May 20, 2002
My brother flew in last night. It started raining this morning. The last time it rained in May was three years ago. The last time it rained on Bay to Breakers was like 12 years ago. The forecast has rain in it for tomorrow and Tuesday. Wednesday is sunny and warmer. My brother leaves Wednesday. It's not that I dislike him, we're just not particularly close.
The ad logos for this year's Bay to Breakers have been insipid and bland, with logos like "Keep up with me", "Sign up with me", and "Walk with us". When I used to run the Bay to Breakers, way back in my youth, the ads were like, "Spain has the running of the bulls. We have the running of the giant boxes of Macaroni & Cheese".
What happened?
The ad logos for this year's Bay to Breakers have been insipid and bland, with logos like "Keep up with me", "Sign up with me", and "Walk with us". When I used to run the Bay to Breakers, way back in my youth, the ads were like, "Spain has the running of the bulls. We have the running of the giant boxes of Macaroni & Cheese".
What happened?
Saturday, May 18, 2002
Amina:
I've always considered this woman, Amina, the love of my life; true love. Why? Because I "fell in love with her" the moment I saw her. Which is to say that something just resonated, like there was something familiar about her, like I knew her already. Looking back, she wasn't particularly beautiful, but the first words that crossed my mind when I first saw her was "most beautiful woman I've ever seen".
I moved in my slow, subtle way over the course of several months to meet her and get to know her, and I just grew to adore her more and more. Even upon learning she had a boyfriend, I didn't care. I LOVED this human being, beyond body, beyond possession. It was Rumi's sea of love, where there are no shores, all you can do is drown.
Our friendship grew over the next two years, we had our ups and downs, but when things settled, we were fast, reliable friends. There was a connection, there was honesty, intimacy, moments to cherish (for me at least). It was a great friendship. And then one fateful night I found out she loved me, too. It was a total surprise. Everyone around us knew I was madly in love with her, but I strongly doubt that they could say the same about her, even though she professed that she loved me all this time as well. Whatever.
We went out for a year, shot everything to hell, broke up, and I haven't seen her since. Nothing magical has happened to make our paths cross and bring closure or understanding of what happened. Ultimately, it was just another relationship that didn't work out. Ultimately, as a human being out there somewhere in the world, she was nothing special. To me, she was and still is special for what she brought out in me.
Just as an exercise, it crosses my mind whether I can love like that again. I was an admitted romantic back then, now I consider myself a realistic cynic. Can I just fall helplessly in love with someone even though I know nothing will come out of it? Even being the realistic cynic that I am, can I find myself in a situation where I'm going above and beyond, doing something for someone with no explicable reason? Someone who isn't even the good friend that Amina was? Can I even identify it as love? Can I be in love with someone who I dismiss as not important, not a good friend, of no consequence, and when we're out of sight of each other, we're out of mind of each other? And even if I could, where it meant something with Amina, would it mean anything now? Probably not.
current soundtrack: 764-HERO - "Get Here and Stay" and "Weekends of Sound"
I've always considered this woman, Amina, the love of my life; true love. Why? Because I "fell in love with her" the moment I saw her. Which is to say that something just resonated, like there was something familiar about her, like I knew her already. Looking back, she wasn't particularly beautiful, but the first words that crossed my mind when I first saw her was "most beautiful woman I've ever seen".
I moved in my slow, subtle way over the course of several months to meet her and get to know her, and I just grew to adore her more and more. Even upon learning she had a boyfriend, I didn't care. I LOVED this human being, beyond body, beyond possession. It was Rumi's sea of love, where there are no shores, all you can do is drown.
Our friendship grew over the next two years, we had our ups and downs, but when things settled, we were fast, reliable friends. There was a connection, there was honesty, intimacy, moments to cherish (for me at least). It was a great friendship. And then one fateful night I found out she loved me, too. It was a total surprise. Everyone around us knew I was madly in love with her, but I strongly doubt that they could say the same about her, even though she professed that she loved me all this time as well. Whatever.
We went out for a year, shot everything to hell, broke up, and I haven't seen her since. Nothing magical has happened to make our paths cross and bring closure or understanding of what happened. Ultimately, it was just another relationship that didn't work out. Ultimately, as a human being out there somewhere in the world, she was nothing special. To me, she was and still is special for what she brought out in me.
Just as an exercise, it crosses my mind whether I can love like that again. I was an admitted romantic back then, now I consider myself a realistic cynic. Can I just fall helplessly in love with someone even though I know nothing will come out of it? Even being the realistic cynic that I am, can I find myself in a situation where I'm going above and beyond, doing something for someone with no explicable reason? Someone who isn't even the good friend that Amina was? Can I even identify it as love? Can I be in love with someone who I dismiss as not important, not a good friend, of no consequence, and when we're out of sight of each other, we're out of mind of each other? And even if I could, where it meant something with Amina, would it mean anything now? Probably not.
current soundtrack: 764-HERO - "Get Here and Stay" and "Weekends of Sound"
Joycee Factoid of the Day: She gave notice.
Boss-lady didn't ask why. Of course she didn't. Why would she ask when she knows the answer and knows that she won't like it (Ms. Case Manager sucks ass).
Boss-lady immediately detached and started getting philosophical about how Joycee's still young and should pursue dreams, blah, blah, blah, and ended up removing Joycee as the topic of discussion and started bitching about her job. Yes, that is funny.
I came in half-hour late and before I was even logged on, Boss-lady was over at my cube, ostensibly about work stuff (she took back 8 of the 10 new cases she gave me yesterday because I already have too many cases that are shit cases, so that was nice and thoughtful of her), and mentioned Joycee giving notice. She then jokingly said, "Well, she's pursuing her dreams. That means you can't do the same for the next six months! Your dreams have to be put on hold."
I figure that she said that primarily to gauge my reaction to see if I'm thinking about leaving (I'm telling you, she's incredibly smart and complex). I think my facial expression of stunned shock and horror at the prospect of being here another six months adequately communicated that, yes, I am thinking about it.
So all indications are that Boss-lady is not going to do anything to rein in Ms. Case Manager.
Now a deciding factor will be whether in the dispersal of Joycee's workload, Boss-lady keeps Ms. Case Manager's interaction with me at a minimum. Like none.
Friday, May 17, 2002
Last Friday was one of the attorneys' last day and he sent out a long-winded e-mail explaining why. I just spent my entire morning re-writing it to fit me so I can send it out as my good-bye e-mail. As our situations aren't exactly parallel, my message is turning out notably ridiculous, lacks continuity, and isn't making much sense and I'm only halfway done with it. Good.
I'm still waffling on whether or not I'll really give notice. I'm taking a wait-and-see approach, instead of making a firm decision. Story of my life. If I don't quit, what does that say about me? It says I'm mega-lame and happy with a go-nowhere, bad excuse for a life.
I'm still waffling on whether or not I'll really give notice. I'm taking a wait-and-see approach, instead of making a firm decision. Story of my life. If I don't quit, what does that say about me? It says I'm mega-lame and happy with a go-nowhere, bad excuse for a life.
Wednesday, May 15, 2002
Halibut: (I'm seriously a.d.d.-ing today)
I love my baby cousin, Mimi, who's not exactly a baby anymore. She moved out here a couple years ago, but we don't meet up very often. She's about 10 times more serious than I am. And mature. And stable. But she's just the sweetest thing! She also probably makes more than me, but whenever we meet up I pay for everything because I'm older.
My brother's coming into town soon for a conference and the three of us are gonna meet up for dinner. Ooh, and since he's the oldest, he'll have to pay. Yesss!! I also have to remember to visit Mimi's parents this year. I think they're wondering why I never visit them when I'm in New Jersey.
I love my baby cousin, Mimi, who's not exactly a baby anymore. She moved out here a couple years ago, but we don't meet up very often. She's about 10 times more serious than I am. And mature. And stable. But she's just the sweetest thing! She also probably makes more than me, but whenever we meet up I pay for everything because I'm older.
My brother's coming into town soon for a conference and the three of us are gonna meet up for dinner. Ooh, and since he's the oldest, he'll have to pay. Yesss!! I also have to remember to visit Mimi's parents this year. I think they're wondering why I never visit them when I'm in New Jersey.
Tuesday, May 14, 2002
OK, I called my mother from work, and she laughed when I reminded her that I don't have long-distance at home. I also forewarned her that the same thing would probably happen on Father's Day. She laughed at that, too.
Why the hell am I justifying myself here? I don't need to justify myself here. I don't care if anyone thinks I'm a crummy kid. Stupid.
Why the hell am I justifying myself here? I don't need to justify myself here. I don't care if anyone thinks I'm a crummy kid. Stupid.
Monday, May 13, 2002
I didn't call my mother on Mother's Day. I would have if I had long distance service. I came home this evening and she had called and left a message on my machine, something she never does, and was basically trying to guilt me out. I am, however, immune to guilt trips.
It has been almost six years since I unilaterally decided to normalize relationships between us. And six years is a long time, but it's just a fraction of the time that I hated them with a seering white-hot hate. It's water under the bridge, but an extant remnant is the lack of value I place on my own life. My trump card for my dignity, back then, had always been that I could take my life, and they couldn't.
Now, among other things, it's just habit. Furthermore, six years of adulthood is worth several times less than in childhood, adolescent and college-age years. Think about it. Six years of normalcy in adulthood is a blink of an eye compared to six years of adolescent rage.
And it's not insignificant that our relationship was normalized by a unilateral move on my part. They didn't do anything, they had no reckoning, they didn't have to face any hard issues or questions. It was literally one week passed and all of a sudden I'm talking to them, I'm not being cold to them, I'm not creating awkward silences, I'm not answering their questions with one word. They didn't question the change. And that's fine with me.
It was unilateral because it was about me, not them. I didn't give a rat's ass what they thought, but for me, I realized they had no more control or effect on my life, so just let it go. It was a fact. To hold on to the hate and resentment would only be to my detriment, not theirs. If I maintained the status quo, that's what they were used to and it would only harm me. But if I let it go and started treating them as human beings, as parents, then I've won. So that's what I did.
So it amuses me that she's trying to guilt-trip me. Mother, you have no idea. Our current relationship is what it is because of your insignificance. You gave birth to me, but gave no worth to the life. I didn't ask to be here and don't want to be here, and once I figure out what that means, I'll do something about it. As it is, I'll be cordial, I'll visit, I'll talk, I won't be frigid, I won't be a wall, I won't make your life miserable, but don't try to guilt me out because that makes me chuckle. I'll call you tomorrow from work and tell you why I didn't call, but I would have and thought of you. And I'll do it because it's what I want to do.
Also
If I resent them, that's bad karma for them (karma is helluv complicated). And I won't do that.
Northern Exposure Quote of the Day: Joel: "There's been a mistake! I'm a man, I can't have a baby!!"
Ruth Anne: "Breathe through the contractions!"
It has been almost six years since I unilaterally decided to normalize relationships between us. And six years is a long time, but it's just a fraction of the time that I hated them with a seering white-hot hate. It's water under the bridge, but an extant remnant is the lack of value I place on my own life. My trump card for my dignity, back then, had always been that I could take my life, and they couldn't.
Now, among other things, it's just habit. Furthermore, six years of adulthood is worth several times less than in childhood, adolescent and college-age years. Think about it. Six years of normalcy in adulthood is a blink of an eye compared to six years of adolescent rage.
And it's not insignificant that our relationship was normalized by a unilateral move on my part. They didn't do anything, they had no reckoning, they didn't have to face any hard issues or questions. It was literally one week passed and all of a sudden I'm talking to them, I'm not being cold to them, I'm not creating awkward silences, I'm not answering their questions with one word. They didn't question the change. And that's fine with me.
It was unilateral because it was about me, not them. I didn't give a rat's ass what they thought, but for me, I realized they had no more control or effect on my life, so just let it go. It was a fact. To hold on to the hate and resentment would only be to my detriment, not theirs. If I maintained the status quo, that's what they were used to and it would only harm me. But if I let it go and started treating them as human beings, as parents, then I've won. So that's what I did.
So it amuses me that she's trying to guilt-trip me. Mother, you have no idea. Our current relationship is what it is because of your insignificance. You gave birth to me, but gave no worth to the life. I didn't ask to be here and don't want to be here, and once I figure out what that means, I'll do something about it. As it is, I'll be cordial, I'll visit, I'll talk, I won't be frigid, I won't be a wall, I won't make your life miserable, but don't try to guilt me out because that makes me chuckle. I'll call you tomorrow from work and tell you why I didn't call, but I would have and thought of you. And I'll do it because it's what I want to do.
Also
If I resent them, that's bad karma for them (karma is helluv complicated). And I won't do that.
Northern Exposure Quote of the Day: Joel: "There's been a mistake! I'm a man, I can't have a baby!!"
Ruth Anne: "Breathe through the contractions!"
Saturday, May 11, 2002
Today I went to Lost Weekend video where I had heard from Elizabeth that Richard Baluyut of Versus has been working since he moved here from New York. I hadn't seen him until today.
But there he was. I saw him, recognized him, and went about my business finding a video to watch. I figured he must be tired of being approached by rabid Versus fans, spouting the same thing about how cool Versus is and getting all geeky. And Richard, being classy and polite, I imagine is always appreciative and polite. At Lost Weekend, he's just doing a job.
So even when I went up to the counter and the other two people were busy, and Richard says, "Can I help you?". I treat him as he's treating me – he's working, I'm a customer. I give no indication that I'm a HUGE fan of his and that his band is in my top five favorites of all time and I would like nothing better than to spew why he's so great and amazing.
I hardly even make eye contact with him. When he rings me up and there are people having a conversation between us, I casually take out my card and slide it across the glass counter, where he stops it with the scanner, scans it, and slides it right back at me. The two other people take the hint and move their conversation, he says, "Two fifty", I pay, he gives me change, I say, "Thanks a lot". He says, "Sunday". *beeeeeeeeen*. My mind races, thinking I'm having dinner with Jenny and Brian, who are also huge Versus fans, on Sunday. Sunday? Sunday? What about Sunday? "Huh?". "It's due back Sunday". "Right . . . right! What time?". "Whenever, ten". "Right, thanks a lot".
RICHARD BALUYUT IS COOL! Period.
current soundtrack: Peter Gabriel - "So" (remaster – not bad, they got it pretty good the first time, but a different song order. The LP song order was arranged according to sound quality on LP's. Songs placed at the outer edge of an LP track better because the grooves have more space for a given amount of information. That's why the sonically rich "In Your Eyes" opened side B on the LP. On the remaster, PG places the song where he wanted it – closing the record)
But there he was. I saw him, recognized him, and went about my business finding a video to watch. I figured he must be tired of being approached by rabid Versus fans, spouting the same thing about how cool Versus is and getting all geeky. And Richard, being classy and polite, I imagine is always appreciative and polite. At Lost Weekend, he's just doing a job.
So even when I went up to the counter and the other two people were busy, and Richard says, "Can I help you?". I treat him as he's treating me – he's working, I'm a customer. I give no indication that I'm a HUGE fan of his and that his band is in my top five favorites of all time and I would like nothing better than to spew why he's so great and amazing.
I hardly even make eye contact with him. When he rings me up and there are people having a conversation between us, I casually take out my card and slide it across the glass counter, where he stops it with the scanner, scans it, and slides it right back at me. The two other people take the hint and move their conversation, he says, "Two fifty", I pay, he gives me change, I say, "Thanks a lot". He says, "Sunday". *beeeeeeeeen*. My mind races, thinking I'm having dinner with Jenny and Brian, who are also huge Versus fans, on Sunday. Sunday? Sunday? What about Sunday? "Huh?". "It's due back Sunday". "Right . . . right! What time?". "Whenever, ten". "Right, thanks a lot".
RICHARD BALUYUT IS COOL! Period.
current soundtrack: Peter Gabriel - "So" (remaster – not bad, they got it pretty good the first time, but a different song order. The LP song order was arranged according to sound quality on LP's. Songs placed at the outer edge of an LP track better because the grooves have more space for a given amount of information. That's why the sonically rich "In Your Eyes" opened side B on the LP. On the remaster, PG places the song where he wanted it – closing the record)
Friday, May 10, 2002
NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!
*sigh* Joycee found my weblog! Well, I guess it's OK since the "Joycee Factoid of the Day:"'s have stopped since she became bitter and disillusioned. They were only fun when she was naive and blissfully humming, smiling, and singing through her day. OK, maybe not quite. But close. Geez, I can't even engage in hyperbole for fear of being slightly inaccurate.
I might have to go back and edit old Joycee Factoid classics, such as "Joycee punches Ms. Case Manager in the nose", or "Joycee hurts ankle after doing triple-loop with half twist whilst snowboarding", or my personal fave, "Joycee wins staring contest with her computer". Since she found the site because of Elizabeth, maybe I should start an "Elizabeth Embarassing Moment of the Day". Just kidding. I have a sick and twisted sense of humor that I don't show here, but I wouldn't do something like that. Or would I?
*sigh* Joycee found my weblog! Well, I guess it's OK since the "Joycee Factoid of the Day:"'s have stopped since she became bitter and disillusioned. They were only fun when she was naive and blissfully humming, smiling, and singing through her day. OK, maybe not quite. But close. Geez, I can't even engage in hyperbole for fear of being slightly inaccurate.
I might have to go back and edit old Joycee Factoid classics, such as "Joycee punches Ms. Case Manager in the nose", or "Joycee hurts ankle after doing triple-loop with half twist whilst snowboarding", or my personal fave, "Joycee wins staring contest with her computer". Since she found the site because of Elizabeth, maybe I should start an "Elizabeth Embarassing Moment of the Day". Just kidding. I have a sick and twisted sense of humor that I don't show here, but I wouldn't do something like that. Or would I?
Not bad.
Solid night’s sleep from head hitting the pillow to first alarm, got out of bed before my second alarm. Pleasant ride to work in less than 15 minutes, no harrowing close-calls with psycho UPS trucks, got here on time, my head is clear, I remembered both of my bike locks, I remembered my pass card, someone in the office is playing BeeGees and my neighbor is still a freak.
Things are looking up. How normal. How boring. How nice for maybe a day. Or two.
Solid night’s sleep from head hitting the pillow to first alarm, got out of bed before my second alarm. Pleasant ride to work in less than 15 minutes, no harrowing close-calls with psycho UPS trucks, got here on time, my head is clear, I remembered both of my bike locks, I remembered my pass card, someone in the office is playing BeeGees and my neighbor is still a freak.
Things are looking up. How normal. How boring. How nice for maybe a day. Or two.
Thursday, May 09, 2002
Oy! What a day. Since I slept so much and so late on my days off, I took a bunch of sleeping pills because I hate, I hate, I hate lying in bed not able to get to sleep. I also wanted to be out of it back at work because I didn't want to deal. Ah, how drugs make one's psyche fragile. Tomorrow I should be more on.
Incredible. Without any need to mention it's about being in a mental institution, but it's pretty clear. Well, once you know he did some time.
It's nice here with a view of the trees
Eating with a spoon? They don't give you knives?
Expect you watch those trees blowing in the breeze
We want to see you lead a normal life
"Lead a Normal Life" (Peter Gabriel)
Eating with a spoon? They don't give you knives?
Expect you watch those trees blowing in the breeze
We want to see you lead a normal life
"Lead a Normal Life" (Peter Gabriel)
Incredible. Without any need to mention it's about being in a mental institution, but it's pretty clear. Well, once you know he did some time.
And I need someone to believe in, someone to trust
I need someone to believe in, someone to trust
"The Chamber of 32 Doors" (Genesis)
I need someone to believe in, someone to trust
"The Chamber of 32 Doors" (Genesis)
Wednesday, May 08, 2002
Maybe I shouldn't have taken these past two days off. Now I'm really starting to feel sick. Not physically, but just with life and existence. Again. At least with work, there's the mindless, numbing routine. I can suppress my rage because I'm still just a rat in a cage. If I was left to myself all day for extended periods of time, things get unpredictable.
Geeking out:
Anyway. I've been hording credit at Amoeba for three months since I read that Peter Gabriel was re-releasing his entire catalog re-mastered. They must have arrived yesterday or today, because they weren't there on Sunday (I go to Amoeba way too often). Fortunately, I had the credit slips with me. I got Us, Security, So, Peter Gabriel (1978), and Peter Gabriel (1980). And they are incred-d-dible!! I'm foaming at the mouth. I'll be doing something else and have a CD on, and I'll just stop and look at the speakers in amazement of how good these sound (it's also a refresher on why I hold Peter Gabriel up to GOD status). They beefed up the loops on "Security", so the rhythm tracks are serious bass heavy. The rhythm track on "I Have the Touch" is badd-ass. I hope I don't wake the neighbors.
And *gasp*, yes, he's releasing a new record in four and a half lunar cycles!
current soundtrack: Peter Gabriel - "Security"
Geeking out:
Anyway. I've been hording credit at Amoeba for three months since I read that Peter Gabriel was re-releasing his entire catalog re-mastered. They must have arrived yesterday or today, because they weren't there on Sunday (I go to Amoeba way too often). Fortunately, I had the credit slips with me. I got Us, Security, So, Peter Gabriel (1978), and Peter Gabriel (1980). And they are incred-d-dible!! I'm foaming at the mouth. I'll be doing something else and have a CD on, and I'll just stop and look at the speakers in amazement of how good these sound (it's also a refresher on why I hold Peter Gabriel up to GOD status). They beefed up the loops on "Security", so the rhythm tracks are serious bass heavy. The rhythm track on "I Have the Touch" is badd-ass. I hope I don't wake the neighbors.
And *gasp*, yes, he's releasing a new record in four and a half lunar cycles!
current soundtrack: Peter Gabriel - "Security"
I called in sick again. I woke up two and a half hours ago. I don't really think I'm lying when I'm calling in sick. I'm sick every day. It's just when I call in sick, I'm making it known. I was feeling pretty dead for the first hour and a half I was awake today.
current soundtrack: 764-HERO - "Salt Sinks & Sugar Floats"
current soundtrack: 764-HERO - "Salt Sinks & Sugar Floats"
Tuesday, May 07, 2002
I just listened to Smashing Pumpkins's "Jelly Belly" four times in a row. Fuck, I miss playing drums. My Yamaha Beech Customs are now stacked in my bedroom. Jimmy Chamberlin is a fucking beast.
Update: now six.
Update: now six.
Holding back the fool again
Holding back the fool pretends
I forget to forget nothing is important
Holding back the fool again
"To Forgive" - (Smashing Pumpkins)
Holding back the fool pretends
I forget to forget nothing is important
Holding back the fool again
"To Forgive" - (Smashing Pumpkins)
WordsCharactersReading time
I called in sick today. I wanted to go for a pleasant ride to the beach, so I got the idea to e-mail Elizabeth to meet for dinner near her place in the Sunset.
I didn't make it to the beach. It was really, really windy. The wind was blowing my headphones out of my ears. When I got to the last stretch of road going directly to the beach, I gave up. The wind was too strong and it wasn't pleasant. It was supposed to be a pleasant ride. P-l-e-a-s-a-n-t.
Elizabeth mentioned a development at work which might make my quitting more of a reality. So my thoughts are a bit angst-riddled now. I won't know anything concrete until I go back to work, but based on what Elizabeth said, I'm strongly considering not going in tomorrow, either.
I don't care much, go or stay
I don't care very much, either way
Hearts grow hard on a windy street
Lips grow cold with the rent to meet
So if you kiss me, if we touch
Warning's fair, I don't care very much
I don't care much, go or stay
I don't care very much, either way
Words sound false when your coat's too thin
Feet don't waltz when the roof caves in
So if you kiss me, if we touch
Warning's fair, I don't care very much
"I Don't Care Much" - (Cabaret 1998 Revival Cast)
Sunday, May 05, 2002
I had a low-grade nightmare. It was more annoying and depressing than scary. As I was waking up, I was having trouble distinguishing the dream from reality. When the dream finally washed completely away to reality, I was thankful and pleased that I didn't need to find a new coffee carafe because I had broken it; I didn't need to do something to fix my computer monitor because I had dropped it; and I didn't need to deal with the anxiety of moving again. I didn't need to be concerned that I hadn't seen Rosalie, my ex-housemate in Noe Valley, for several weeks.
So I woke up pleased and appreciative that, yes, my life is OK where it is. There will be worse, there will be better, but today my worries are at a minimum.
I took a walk in the Mission. Lately, whenever I walk around listening to music, the music becomes a soundtrack and it is specifically relevant to what I'm viewing around me. I see as a camera eye, zooming, panning, focusing, cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. It's a surreal escapism. Life and reality imagined as a medium.
current soundtrack: Kristen Hersh - "Sunny Border Blue"
Trouble, oh trouble set me free
I have seen your face
and it's much too much for me
- "Trouble" (written by Cat Stevens)
WordsCharactersReading time
Saturday, May 04, 2002
Not a good day:
We had a firm baby shower for one of the attorneys.
Me to Barb just outside of 12th floor kitchen: I probably shouldn't be in large groups today. I'm feeling particularly homicidal.
Barb (who totally gets my sense of humor) stares at me and starts inching away from me.
Me to Barb: I guess I shouldn't have said that out loud.
I'm killing myself at work. I'd be killing myself if I was out of work. Why am I working?! If I'm killing myself anyway, why make myself miserable?
We had a firm baby shower for one of the attorneys.
Me to Barb just outside of 12th floor kitchen: I probably shouldn't be in large groups today. I'm feeling particularly homicidal.
Barb (who totally gets my sense of humor) stares at me and starts inching away from me.
Me to Barb: I guess I shouldn't have said that out loud.
I'm killing myself at work. I'd be killing myself if I was out of work. Why am I working?! If I'm killing myself anyway, why make myself miserable?
The fool escaped from paradise
Will look over his shoulder and cry
Sit and chew on daffodils and struggle to answer why?
As you grow up and leave the playground
Where you kissed your prince and found your frog
Remember the jester who showed you tears, the script for tears
So I'll hold my peace forever
When you wear your bridal gown
In the silence of my shame, the mute that sang the sirens song
Has gone solo in the game, I've gone solo in the game
But the game is over
- Script for a Jester's Tear (Marillion)
WordsCharactersReading time
Friday, May 03, 2002
Ramble On:
I got home last night after 12:30 from seeing 20 Minute Loop at Bottom of the Hill with Sadie. Sadie's awesome. The first time we talked, I gave her my blog url to put her on notice, caveat, but she doesn't come here and that's fine. As Kateri affectionately once said, "There are things about you I don't wanna know". One of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me and that actually makes sense.
I'm grumpy, I can't focus, and I'll bite anyone who puts their fingers too close to my mouth. Wasn't I planning to call in sick? As long as I'm here, it's my brother's birthday, so I can call him.
I'm working on a case and this guy has a section on his resume: "Major Realisations". I think I'll put that on my resume, too. The first one would be "'Dilbert' is not a joke!".
I got home last night after 12:30 from seeing 20 Minute Loop at Bottom of the Hill with Sadie. Sadie's awesome. The first time we talked, I gave her my blog url to put her on notice, caveat, but she doesn't come here and that's fine. As Kateri affectionately once said, "There are things about you I don't wanna know". One of the sweetest things anyone has ever said to me and that actually makes sense.
I'm grumpy, I can't focus, and I'll bite anyone who puts their fingers too close to my mouth. Wasn't I planning to call in sick? As long as I'm here, it's my brother's birthday, so I can call him.
I'm working on a case and this guy has a section on his resume: "Major Realisations". I think I'll put that on my resume, too. The first one would be "'Dilbert' is not a joke!".
When I Grow Up:
When I attain enlightenment, I want to be like the "angels" in the movie Wings of Desire. I want to exist on a parallel plane of existence that cannot be perceived by humans, but can be sensed by those with that sensitivity. I will not enter nirvana/heaven until all beings can enter at once because I will understand that there is no I separable from all beings. I want to observe and record human intercourse. I will not judge. I will not form opinions. There is no objective morality. I will observe and listen in on thoughts of people on commuter trains, walking down the street, shopping, on cell phones, at work, at home on computers, watching tv, playing video games, playing board games. I will sit in on movies in theaters, I won't have to pay. I will listen in on conversations between friends. I will listen in on arguments. Sometimes I will whisper thoughts and ideas. I will not attain this until I cease wanting to. I will wear a black trenchcoat.
When I attain enlightenment, I want to be like the "angels" in the movie Wings of Desire. I want to exist on a parallel plane of existence that cannot be perceived by humans, but can be sensed by those with that sensitivity. I will not enter nirvana/heaven until all beings can enter at once because I will understand that there is no I separable from all beings. I want to observe and record human intercourse. I will not judge. I will not form opinions. There is no objective morality. I will observe and listen in on thoughts of people on commuter trains, walking down the street, shopping, on cell phones, at work, at home on computers, watching tv, playing video games, playing board games. I will sit in on movies in theaters, I won't have to pay. I will listen in on conversations between friends. I will listen in on arguments. Sometimes I will whisper thoughts and ideas. I will not attain this until I cease wanting to. I will wear a black trenchcoat.
Thursday, May 02, 2002
Nothing lasts forever:
I was doing so well!! I did a full day's worth of work yesterday for the first time in months. I thought, "oh maybe I can get back into the mindlessness of this meaningless job and resign myself to it like good adults are supposed to". Sadly, it didn't last. OH WELL!
Boss-lady continues to ignore what's going on. So I think there is this feeling among Eric, Joycee, and me that we are children, with one abusive parent, the other neglectful and absent, maintaining our dignity by retreating into our own little fantasy worlds . . .
. . . whew, I'm back. That was a nice little fantasy.
Anyway, so we've been e-mailing each other, creating a list of sarcasms expressing how we perceive Ms. Case Manager's attitude. Samples (abridged):
1) She’s just flittering around like she’s so important
2) "Just because it’s your job, I can’t assume you’re doing it.”
3) (at team meeting) “OK, Boss-lady, tomorrow we’ll cover the you-know-what about you-know-who with *ahem*.” *wink* *wink*
4) She was talking shit about DG crossing over to the “other side” (to management), she not only crossed over, she saluted when she got there.
5) "I discovered some obscure document from the late 1700’s that seems to contradict the spelling of this person's name. Could you please complete these 42 steps to make sure we have the right information?"
6) "I can’t maintain my 32-minute work week AND do all this work. Here, you do this, this this, that and this, oh yeah, and that that that and this too. Thanks!"
I was doing so well!! I did a full day's worth of work yesterday for the first time in months. I thought, "oh maybe I can get back into the mindlessness of this meaningless job and resign myself to it like good adults are supposed to". Sadly, it didn't last. OH WELL!
Boss-lady continues to ignore what's going on. So I think there is this feeling among Eric, Joycee, and me that we are children, with one abusive parent, the other neglectful and absent, maintaining our dignity by retreating into our own little fantasy worlds . . .
. . . whew, I'm back. That was a nice little fantasy.
Anyway, so we've been e-mailing each other, creating a list of sarcasms expressing how we perceive Ms. Case Manager's attitude. Samples (abridged):
1) She’s just flittering around like she’s so important
2) "Just because it’s your job, I can’t assume you’re doing it.”
3) (at team meeting) “OK, Boss-lady, tomorrow we’ll cover the you-know-what about you-know-who with *ahem*.” *wink* *wink*
4) She was talking shit about DG crossing over to the “other side” (to management), she not only crossed over, she saluted when she got there.
5) "I discovered some obscure document from the late 1700’s that seems to contradict the spelling of this person's name. Could you please complete these 42 steps to make sure we have the right information?"
6) "I can’t maintain my 32-minute work week AND do all this work. Here, you do this, this this, that and this, oh yeah, and that that that and this too. Thanks!"
Wednesday, May 01, 2002
"This is for all the drunken romantics":
On the rebound, fumbling all the lines
The light at the end of the bottle - alcoholicalphabet
Through the looking glass, the proof in my own reflection
Five senses down and reeling on the Cinderella search
On the rebound, fumbling all the lines
Decay on the vertical hold, with a horizontal aim
Conversation needs translation
Three dimensions down dissolving on the Cinderella search
On the rebound, writing all the lines
Dreaming bartenders, bourbon, and the saxophone
Out of luck, out of charm, out of the game of rejections in a cigarette city
Only courting the homing of direction on the Cinderella search
But the Samaritan of the heartbroken
Swam through the nicotine seize, and we exchanged the kiss of life
Resurrection in a trance, the model, the Grail, in a Marquee of promises
I touched the dream, I hold the dream, I have the dream
To end the Cinderella search
Exposing bedside manners on a work extension
Awaiting development with paranoid Polaroid eyes
The footman memorised the number
But the prince still holds both the slippers
And would you leave the palace
For a bedsit and Canterbury Tales?
Maybe it was infatuation or the thrill of the chase
Maybe you were always beyond my reach and my heart was playing safe
But was that love in your eye I saw, or the reflection of mine
I'll never really know for sure, you never really gave me time
- "Cinderella Search" (Marillion)
WordsCharactersReading time
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