Argh@!
I reviewed a Marillion record at YACCS, and now I've been listening to Marillion all day. I didn't even like the record I reviewed. But it's with a bit of embarrassment, because it's so uncool, that I used to be a huge Marillion fan with Fish, the singer, articulating my feelings in a way I couldn't.

"A hand held over a candle in angst-fueled bravado
A carbon trail scores a moist stretched palm
Trapped in the indecision of another fine menu
And you sit there and ask me to tell you the story so far . . .

. . . From the dreams on the barbed wire at Flanders and Bilston Glen
From a Clydeside that rusts in the tears of its broken men
From the realisation that all we've been left behind
Is to stand like our fathers before us in the firing line"
- "Slainte Mhath" (Marillion)

I'd like to know if anyone else reviews their own record collections in a public forum. I'd like the reassurance that I'm not the only one without a life. But it really is fun.

WordsCharactersReading time

Sometimes it amazes me how people miss my point. I must not be such a good communicator after all. I never said I was. I tend to be most misunderstood when I'm the most honest. Story of my life.

The International Film Festival is almost over. I've seen "Elling" (Norway), "Millennium Mambo" (Taiwan), "Fulltime Killer" (Hong Kong), and "All About Lily Chou-Chou" (Japan), and I want to see "Somewhere on Earth" (Japan), but either I have to get in the rush tickets line for the sold out evening screening, or cut out of work early for an afternoon screening.

No more movies for the month of May. Too much money. Although there are already three shows I plan to go to, and live music is always more expensive than movies because of the beer. Mm, the precious beer. May shows: 20 Minute Loop on May 2, Pinback on May 23, and 764-HERO on May 24. All at Bottom of the Hill.

current soundtrack: Versus - "Two Cents Plus Tax"

"You come to life in the summer
Stretching your toes in the sand
Jump in the water, but don't hold your breath
Feel like you're cheating death"
- "Radar Follows You" (Versus)

What am I doing? I've gotten increasingly social in the past few weeks, both online and offline. I don't like myself like this. It's not me. It's not honest. The more interaction I have, the more fake I have to be. Do I have to be that way? No. It's just the way I am, it's me, and I have no problem with it.

I don't want to understand other people or why they are the way they are. I pass so many human beings every day. Is there any nexus of commonality between all of these individuals? Yes, and it's that none of them are real. They are real in a physical sense, but that's taking existence and reality as it is. I don't do that. So although each of these people are individuals with distinct identities, personalities, opinions, experiences, etc., they are still only symbolic to me, whether I meet them or not.

This fake me is my inanimate skeleton, it's just bone, not alive. When you lie in your grave, that's all that's left. It's a frame, it props me up and holds me together so I can go about my daily routine. The real me is everything else hung upon this skeleton frame. Remove the fake me, and the real me collapses to the floor, a bag of flesh, tissue, and blood. **SPLAAT!!** Neither the fake me or the real me can exist without the other. But who said existence is the point of all this?

I'm supposed to be closing and winding things up. Not starting something new.

current soundtrack: Roger Waters - "Amused to Death"

And when they found our shadows
Grouped 'round the TV sets
They ran down every lead
They repeated every test
They checked out all the data on their list
And then
The alien anthropologists admitted they were STILL PERPLEXED
But on eliminating every other reason for our
SAD DEMISE
They logged the only explanation left:
THIS SPECIES HAS AMUSED ITSELF TO DEATH

From Quiz Box:

Your view on yourself:
Other people find you very interesting, but you are really hiding your true self. Your friends love you because you are a good listener; they'll probably still love you if you learn to be yourself with them.

The type of girl/boyfriend you are looking for:
You like serious, smart and determined people. You don't judge a book by its cover, so good-looking people aren't necessarily your style. This makes you an attractive person in many people's eyes.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:
You prefer to get to know a person very well before deciding whether you will commit to the relationship.

The seriousness of your love:
Your have very sensible tactics when approaching the opposite sex. In many ways people find your straightforwardness attractive, so you will find yourself with plenty of dates.

Your views on education:
You may not like to study but you have many practical ideas. You listen to your own instincts and tend to follow your heart, so you will probably end up with an unusual job.

The right job for you:
You have plenty of dream jobs but have little chance of doing any of them if you don't focus on something in particular. You need to choose something and go for it to be happy and achieve success.

How do you view success?
You are afraid of failure and scared to have a go at the career you would like to have in case you don't succeed. Do not give up when you have not even started yet! Be courageous!

What are you most afraid of?
You are concerned about your image and the way others see you. This means that you try very hard to be accepted by other people. It's time for you to believe in who you are, not what you wear.

Who is your true self?
You are mature, reasonable, honest and give good advice. People ask for your comments on all sorts of different issues. Sometimes you might find yourself in a dilemma when trapped with a problem, which your heart, rather than your head, needs to solve.

current soundtrack: Death Cab for Cute - "Forbidden Love EP"

TANYA DONELLY!!!
I didn't buy a ticket in advance because it wasn't a show I wanted to commit to. Five year break between records, and the latest record, which she's supporting, is mature and not exactly cutting edge as she used to be. But I'm so glad I went! It was awesome! It's about the love.

"Solomon crawls on the belly of god
Solomon falls on his face in love with me
He grows as old as the sea
Deep where the fishes are
Stay . . .

He lives in the yard, he keeps himself hard
He keeps himself homeless and heartless and hard
He sleeps under stairs, along with the heirs
of nothing and nothing means no one who cares
But I love him dear, and I love him near
And I've loved him hundreds of thousands of years"
- "Stay" (Belly)

Throwing Muses was/is such an incredible band, it's hard to believe that Kristin Hersh and Tanya Donelly were in a band together, two incredible talents and presences.

I still love Kristin Hersh more, she totally mesmerizes me and her music feels like I'm drawn into her feelings. And even though I'm thoroughly tickled being in Tanya's presence, I'm also thinking, "such a small woman, with a big guitar . . . and a huge head". She has a head that matches the size of her guitar (a pink Gibson SG Jr.), but not her body.

Downer:
Right before I left for the show, my mom called. She told me Aki Liao's mom died. She loved the sound of birds and she would drive up the Palisades Parkway to the scenic lookouts to listen to the birds. That day, she went alone because a friend of hers couldn't make it. She didn't come home for dinner. At 10:00, her husband called the police. The police found her car at a lookout. They found her the next day, she had fallen off the cliffs.

Incredible. Imagining the progession of events and what her husband and Aki went through. I don't remember ever meeting her, although I'm sure I did, and I feel for Aki and the husband, who I know I've met. So fragile. So fleeting.

WordsCharactersReading time

What Does it All Mean?
You stop off on your way home to buy a pint of Ben & Jerry's for dinner. You leave the store with a pint of Ben & Jerry's Fudge Central with a Fudge Truffle Core (dinner), and one box of Haagen Daaz Chocolate Fudge & Almond bars, and one box of Haagen Daaz Coffee and Almond Crunch bars.

Hey, when I lose my mind, I want it to taste good (not my mind, the losing it).

current soundtrack: Smashing Pumpkins - "Greatest Hits, disc 2 (Judas O)"

Oh noose, tied myself in tied myself too tight
Looking kind of anxious in your cross-armed stance
Like a bad-tempered prom queen at a homecoming dance
And I claim I'm not excited with my life anymore
So I blame this town, this job, these friends
The truth is it's myself
And I'm trying to understand myself
Pinpoint where I am
By the time I've got it figure out
I've changed the whole damn plan
- "Talking Shit About a Pretty Sunset" (Modest Mouse)

And another day.

I look at the calendar and try to determine a date on which to give notice. Shouldn't I be the least bit disturbed that this is precisely how I treat dying?

In the same vein, my new paradigm for decorating and arranging my apartment is how it will look like when whichever family member has to come out here and gather my stuff. What I want whoever to see first, what I want them to find. Is that how it works? I thought that is what happened with Ritu, but I think maybe she was still alive when her brother came out to get her stuff.

current soundtrack: For Stars - "We Are All Beautiful People"

Today's Colorgenics profile:
"You are tending to pursue your objectives with concentrated intensity and it would seem that whatever obstacles may come into your path, you will stick to your guns and will not allow yourself to be deflected from your purpose. You are striving to achieve recognition and what is more - you deserve it.

You are not feeling so good at this time. Everything seems to be getting on top of you. What you need is a rest from all of the present trials and tribulations in peaceful surroundings and with someone - male or female, it doesn't really matter - who can really understand you and appreciates your needs.

In spite of the fact that you believe that your hopes and ideas are realistic, it is hard for you to accept that your needs and desires are misunderstood by almost everyone within your sphere of influence, and there is no-one to turn to or rely on. Your pent-up emotions and inherent egocentricity make you quick to take offence, but as matters stand you realise that you will have to make the best of things as they are.

You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.

You don't like authority and you rebel against all forms of limitation. You are your own person and you intend to stay that way and to get on in the world simply by your hard work and determination."

So true. Scary.

current soundtrack - for stars - mp3's

Gummi's post yesterday helps demystify for guys what goes on in the women's bathroom. I mean, really, men can only imagine what goes on in there (think, the mystery of why women always have to go in pairs, which adds an interesting perspective to Gummi's post), and I'm sure they all have their own different theories/fantasies.

My guess is that the extent of women wondering what goes on in the men's room is limited to whether or not they wash their hands. So change Gummi's image slightly: "Two stalls, two sets of the back of men's feet, two minutes of uncomfortable silence". Stress? Gummi doesn't know stress. In the men's room it's about power, speed, making the loudest noise, peeing for the longest time, perhaps farting to prove high comfort and confidence level, and most important, being the first to start peeing.

Actually, being the first is probably the most important, you can lose on all other points, but if you can start peeing first, you can still walk out of the stall head held high: "Hi Bob", "Hi Hal". There's no gloating in the men's room, just a silent knowledge of who's the winner and who's the loser. Exit Bob. Exit Hal 30 seconds later because Hal washes his hands.

A Perfect Day or Seeing Mercury for the First Time in My Life: 

So after a casual ride this afternoon . . . 

I got to Twin Peaks early, 15-20 minutes before sunset. It was windy and cold as I waited for the sun to go down. I went to scope out the best position to look for the planets, and headed up one of the boobs of Twin Peaks. It was colder and windier up there, and I decided that the second boob would have the better vantage point. So I climbed down the first boob and headed up the second boob to wait. 

It was cold and the wind was blowing something fierce, but it wasn't a bitter cold. It was a buffeting cold wind, but not the kind that cuts through you. I faced east, away from the wind, waiting for the sun to go down. Birds were chirping loudly in the twilight. It was a little surreal, calming. 

As the sun fell below the haze over the ocean, I decided to watch the sun set through my binoculars, despite warnings that one should never look at the sun through binos at any time. It was really cool, though, because the haze distorted the sphere of the sun, and looked like looking through a gateway or a portal. Maybe the light, water, and haze were playing tricks with my eyes, but it looked like there was an ocean in the sun. When I turned away because of the wind, my eyes were tearing and burning for a few seconds. Kids, when they tell you not to look at the sun with binos, DON'T! 

The sun set and the sky was getting darker, but it would be a while before any planets would appear. The recommendation was to look about 40 minutes after sunset. So I waited vigilantly facing east, listened to the birds, danced around to keep warm, and occasionally looked west to see if I could see anything. I knew that Venus would appear before Mercury, so don't even bother looking for Mercury until I saw Venus. 

Finally, 10-15 minutes later, I looked around and saw something – presumably Venus. I looked at it through my binos, nothing spectacular, looked for Mercury and saw nothing. Mercury is supposed to be a challenge because of it's proximity to and close orbit around the sun. I had my doubts, maybe Mercury was already below the haze. 

5-10 minutes later, I saw another light higher in the sky. I guessed Jupiter. I kept my vigil looking east, occasionally facing the wind to look for Mercury until my eyes teared and would have to turn around, pulling my hood tight. 

Finally, one of the times I scanned the sky below and to the right of Venus with my binos, I caught a glimpse of a tiny point of light. I froze (aside from freezing), not wanting to lose it. Was it Mercury? It had to be. I tracked my binos back to Venus, and then back to the point of light and I was certain it was Mercury! It was just a feeble point of light but I was jumping up and down in excitement (and for warmth). It's just exciting to see something I'd never seen before, especially when it's something that is usually really hard to see. 

I decided to stay up there until Saturn and Mars appeared, and then I'd make a beeline for my car. But as I was waiting, I noticed a car that had parked in the cleavage of Twin Peaks. There were people hanging out down there, and it was freezing. So I peered at them through my binos, and it looked like they had a telescope and were doing the same thing I was. Excited, I rushed down the hill in the dark, and they were indeed looking at the planets. 

I hung out with them, marveling at the planets. They let me look at Saturn and Jupiter through their scope, and Saturn's rings and Jupiter's moons were clearly visible. Mars was a distinct ruddy dot. As twilight faded, Mercury became visible to the naked eye, and it was incredible. Mercury, Venus, Mars, Saturn, and Jupiter strung across the western sky. A rare occurrence. I was standing in the cold wind for an hour and half and it was so worth it.

We keep getting e-mails from HR about 401(k) information sessions. I don't care about this, I don't even want to be seeing these things. Long-term life planning stuff makes me not want to be here now, and reminds me I don't want to be here then (far in the future), and the truth is I want to be around until some point which is a happy medium between the two.

I think the ones with quotation marks are jokes:

1) “Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.” (Sharon Stone)
2) “Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is.” (Barbara Bush - Former U.S. First Lady)
3) Ah, yes, divorce..., from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet. (Robin Williams)
4) Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. (Billy Crystal)
5) Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and just give her a house. (Rod Stewart)
6) “There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an airplane: Either you have diarrhea, or you’re eager to meet people who do.” (Henry Kissinger)- (former US Secretary of State)
7) “My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she’s reading.” (Steve Jobs - Founder, Apple Computers)
8) “My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.” (Dan Rather - News anchorman)
9) “I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with ‘Guess’ on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?" (Arnold Schwarzenegger)
10) “Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.” (Tiger Woods)
11) Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. (Roseanne)
12) According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, whereas, of course, men are just grateful. (Robert De Niro)
13) AND THE NUMBER ONE QUOTE IS: See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis, and only enough blood to run one at a time. (Robin Williams)

current soundtrack: Throwing Muses - "The Real Ramona"

Sunday in the Park with George DVD:
Oh
My
God! (where to start?)
This is a musical by Stephen Sondheim. Georges Seurat is often credited as being one of the founders of a painting style called "pointillism". The idea behind Seurat's pointillism is that you can create a painting comprised solely of "dots" of primary colors, and when standing from a distance, the human eye and brain will mix the primary colors to create the illusion of a wider spectrum of colors. Seurat's crowning achievement was his painting "Sunday Afternoon on the Isle Grande Jatte". Sondheim's "Sunday in the Park with George" is a fictional piece documenting the creation of this masterpiece.

When I first bought the CD of the musical, on the basis that it was a Sondheim, I hated it. I thought it was terrible, trite, amusical, ponderous, self-absorbed, boring, etc. I was planning to pass it off to my brother. But I gave it a chance in the memorable Summer of '91, and I would find myself hearing certain melodies and snippets in my head while taking the A Train to NYU for summer classes. I ended up obsessing over the show.

The show was a critical success, but it wasn't the Broadway hit expected of Sondheim. No boisterous dance sequences, no uplifting, tear-jerking message, no memorable songs that would go down into the pantheon of songs that would be forever imitated in musical revues and karaoke bars. The show was a meditation on life and art. And as Seurat's points of primary color created a masterpiece from afar, so the moments of our lives create the masterpieces of our lives upon completion. The music of the show imitates pointillism, using just points of notes to create a musical work.

We are the artists, with a blank canvas, and we create what we want to see. There's one number in the musical when Seurat is obsessing over "finishing the hat" and he's justifying losing his girlfriend to work on his art, and that finishing that hat is more important because that is the creation of life, what is meaningful, but in the end, he confesses that he's creating a hat "where there never was a hat". That was gasp-worthy for me.

I listened to the CD of the musical long before I found out that the stage production had been videotaped. Watching it adds so many more dimensions than just the CD. The staging and the lights are incredible as is expected of all great Broadway musicals, certainly Sondheim musicals. And I was tickled pink to see a "scrim" used brilliantly. A scrim is a piece of cloth used in theater, and when it's lit from behind, the audience can see through it. But when it's lit from the front, it looks like a solid piece of cloth. It's gimmicky, and if you gotta have a gimmick the key is knowing when to use it.

So all through the first act, we see glimpses of the elements that will comprise the final piece in the characters Seurat sketches on the island on a series of Sundays between 1884 and 1886. And in the final musical piece of the first act, Seurat brings all the elements/characters together and manipulates them until on the stage is a live rendition of Seurat's masterpiece.

Life as with music as with art: "Order design composition tension balance light . . . harmony".

And that's just the first act.

"The meaning of life is connected, inextricably, to the meaning of death; mourning is a romance in reverse, and if you love, you grieve and there are no exceptions – only those who do it well and those who don't." 

- Thomas Lynch, a poet and an undertaker

Potrero Avenue and 18th St. Waiting for a bus.

The Unbearable Lightness of Suckitude: 

If Joycee gives her two week notice, I will wait one week after she leaves and then give mine. And then spend the bulk of the remainder of my time here prodding Eric to do the same after I'm gone. 

How great would it be to scrimp and save for the rest of the year, doing whatever I want that doesn't cost money, dinking around with music, never changing guitar or bass strings, going on rides every nice day there is, and otherwise drinking away the part of the day that I cannot sleep away. Oh wait. I might have to stop drinking to save money. Eh, I'll jump off that bridge once I get to it. 

And then if I haven't tried to swim to Taiwan by December, the end of my lease, I'll pack up my stuff and move to Hoboken, New Jersey, and try my luck with the music scene there. I can use my parents' house as base of operations. I can even set up my drums there! Poor neglected drumset. 

The problem with moving back to New Jersey, and what I haven't had to think about in the nine years I've been in this cold city, is that in the Summers, people usually wear short-sleeve shirts and shorts. That might be a problem for me (er, "body modifications"). It occurred to me because I just read it hit 91 degrees in Newark today. It's a pretty serious consideration. 

But for now, I'm gonna just put butter on this roll and eat it. 

Joycee factoid of the day: Very riled up over the Ms. Case Manager situation, but is in cahoots with Eric to "resolve" the problem by "communicating". Count me out, I'm trying to get fired, preferably laid off.

Wow, I've gotten more work done this morning than on any morning in the past two weeks!! Possible reasons:

1. I'm clamping down and focusing out of necessity;
2. I'm blasting music through headphones, and that: a) keeps me tethered to the speakers (i.e., at my desk); b) forces anyone wanting to chat to make an effort to get my attention; and c) helps me focus by shutting out other aural distractions.
3. I woke up at 5:00 and couldn't go back to sleep so I had three shots of whiskey while finishing the packaging for Jen's mix before leaving for work;
4. Blogging is losing its obsessive novelty, so that isn't as distracting anymore;
5. I'm trying out a new strategy of swamping Ms. Case Manager with work to review, although that would be more effective if I told Eric and Joycee to do it, too, as I was planning to, but haven't yet.
6. I'm tired of staying late after work to finish in 2 hours, what I should have been working on over eight.

I'm kinda thinking it's #3, but of course I would, but shouldn't use my productivity to justify doing that on a regular basis, because that would elevate me from being "alcoholic" to "alcoholic with a problem". There's a difference. Really.

Joycee factoid of the day: Called me unfashionably fashionable for wearing a mandarin-collared corduroy shirt.

Another Monday morning, another week. Each week is Groundhog Day. Each lifetime is Groundhog Day until we get it right. And in my book, short lifetimes are better than long lifetimes.

Madoka finally e-mailed this weekend. She was in Southeast Asia longer than I expected. I expected her to be back in Tokyo a month ago. She got my letter (remember what those are?).

E: who is madoka?
K: Madoka=best friend from college. I think my relationship with her goes back lifetimes. I’m supposed to be in love with her, and I am in love with her, I’m just . . . not.

Something from said past lifetime(s) prevents. It's complicated.

Spontaneous Jen mix:
- Offline P.K. (Pinback)
- The Plan (Built to Spill)
- Start Together (Sleater-Kinney)
- LT Tour Theme (Le Tigre)
- History Lessons (764-HERO)
- Raining (Versus)
- Working for Vacation (Cibo Matto)
- Never-Ending Math Equation (Modest Mouse)
- Cashout (Fugazi)
- Science vs. Romance (Rilo Kiley)
- Within the Quilt of Demand (Shannon Wright)
- My Adidas (Versus)
- Deceptacon (Le Tigre)
- Heart Cooks Brain (Modest Mouse)
- Heartbreak Even (Ani DiFranco)
- Photographic Evidence (764-HERO)
- Underdogs of Nipomo (Archers of Loaf)
- Sidewalk (Built to Spill)
- Things You Say (Sleater-Kinney)
- Friendship Station (Le Tigre)
- Scientist Studies (Death Cab for Cutie)

current soundtrack: Katie's Mix

What the hell was I doing up at 5:46 A.M.?

• I need to be asleep


• I bought the "Please Save My Earth" DVD; another heavy, depressing anime.


• I went on another ride today. I got plenty of sun this weekend. My scars got tanned!


• I got a random check from the cable company for $105.14! It says to cash immediately. Damn straight I'm gonna cash it immediately.


• When I die, I want to embed my essence into the internet and continue weblogging. I'm curious to find what I'd blog about.


• My apartment is no cleaner than on Friday.


• I will eventually turn on my tape recorders and record something. So for now I'm not going to kick myself for not.


• Which is better, gin or whiskey? I think I'll conduct another taste test on myself.

King of the Mountain: 

Well, not really. Riding up to Tilden Park wasn't very hard. But I cheated. Instead of going up the more direct route, which incidentally would have gone past my old house in the East Bay hills, I decided at the last minute to take the more gradual route, following a bus line up Euclid to Grizzly Peak. It was longer, but it wasn't hard at all. I probably didn't need to go down to my small chain-reel at all. I want to go again and go up the harder route. And pass my old house. 

Call me crazy, but I get a rush out of climbing – a whole lot more than downhills or flats. On downhills or flats, I'm perfectly happy letting someone go ahead of me and following, but if someone's ahead of me on an uphill, I give chase. And feel good when I pass them. I'm not a competitive person. 

The Bonk: So even though it wasn't hard, it was still fun. It was a bit nostalgic since I passed a lot of my old running courses. I had to meet Nobuko at Jupiter's at 4:30, so I started making my way out of the park, but then I took a detour up South Park Road because I thought it would be shorter. Wrong. It turned out to be hill, which would have been fine, except I was running out of fuel and I bonked hard. I'm never getting Clif Bars for rides again. Power Bars – "don't bonk"! It's so humiliating walking a bike up a hill. After a 15 minute rest, I crawled the rest of the way up the hill and found I was in the totally wrong place. 

Centennial Road: I didn't want to be late so I started booking. Fortunately, after all that climbing, it was literally all downhill. I got to Centennial Road which I knew would take me down to campus. What I didn't know was that Centennial Road is helluv steep! That road friggin' plunges!! Not knowing that beforehand and with four cars behind me, I just went for it. My top speed was 39.5 mph, and all I could do to keep calm was keep saying, "yo . . . yo . . . yo . . . yo . . . yo" all the way down. It was scary, but I was laughing and smiling when it was over. 

current soundtrack: Shannon Wright - "Dyed in the Wool"

I'm still not having any success getting work done. The file that I was working on until 7:00 last night was still on my desk this morning, and at 10:15 I told myself to have it off my desk by 10:30. It is now almost noon. I'm trying a new strategy now of blasting music in my headphones to try to make me focus. Last week, I was so behind it was funny. Then earlier this week, I was so behind it wasn't funny. It's now funny again.

current soundtrack: Built to Spill - "Live"

Found this test from Jahva's weblog, and yes it is perplexing. I think (hey, I was a religion minor in college):

1. Mahayana Buddhism (100%)
2. Neo-Pagan (91%)
3. Hinduism (88%)
4. New Age (86%)
5. Theravada Buddhism (84%)
6. Unitarian Universalism (82%)
7. Liberal Quakers (74%)
8. Jainism (72%)
9. Taoism (72%)
10. New Thought (64%)
11. Scientology (63%)
12. Sikhism (60%)
13. Orthodox Quaker (52%)
14. Mainline to Liberal Christian Protestants (51%)
15. Christian Science (Church of Christ, Scientist) (51%)
16. Secular Humanism (44%)
17. Reform Judaism (38%)
18. Bahá'í Faith (37%)
19. Orthodox Judaism (33%)
20. Seventh Day Adventist (31%)
21. Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints (Mormons) (25%)
22. Eastern Orthodox (21%)
23. Islam (21%)
24. Roman Catholic (21%)
25. Mainline to Conservative Christian/Protestant (21%)
26. Jehovah's Witness (20%)
27. Nontheist (20%)

My brow furrows, why is anything around and below 50% showing up at all?

My personal belief, in general, is that religion is language. Russians speak Russian because that's how they communicate, that's how they express and understand. Same with Japanese, English, French, all languages. If you want to know where the bathroom is, it's best if you know how to ask in the language of the country you're in.

The analogy isn't exact with religion, but it's sort of there for true seekers; people who aren't just following religious tenets because they have no mind of their own and need to be spoon-fed their beliefs (sorry, that came out much more condescending and patronizing than I'd ever intend it).

Buddhism is a language for me, I don't fancy pigeon-holing myself as a Buddhist, but the language that Buddhism uses is what resonated with me. I was sent to Sunday school growing up, and nothing resonated. I was exposed to the JCC growing up, and nothing resonated with me. But when Buddhism was spoken to me, I was like, "yea, I can dig it yo!"

But the basic teaching is no different than any other "religious language". Much of what I agree with Christianity and Judaism and other "religions", I just have to translate into Buddhist concepts, and if you look, you'll find them there. They're just clothed and veiled in different languages, different cultures, different geographic locations.

In college, I ran into a brick wall with Zen Buddhism, so I ended up in Islam classes, and I was blown away. The writings associated with Sufism (mystical branch of Islam), to me, were explaining the mechanics of Zen Buddhist concepts, which when explained in Zen Buddhist language is abstract and supposed to be intuitive, and as such, not very helpful. (mushin: no mind: ooh, yea, I get it man, empty your mind, that's what we're supposed to be striving for, man. Give me a fucking break, please explain emptying your fucking mind).

What my ground-floor thesis is, is that religion is personal, but there are gradients in which we can find communities to help us find our own way. There is a large umbrella of Christianity, of Islam, of Judaism, of Hinduism, of Buddhism, etc. But then each of these umbrellas are broken down into sects because not everyone agrees with everyone else. But then these sects can be broken down into subsects because not everyone agrees with everyone else. Keep doing that.

Keep doing that until you get to the individuals and try to find two people with the exact same religious belief. It can happen, but my "thesis" states that in most cases, there will be some point on which any two people will disagree with. Each and every person has their own religion.

OK, I'm officially drunk. Oooommmmmm. Ooooommmm. I see editing in my future. Ooooommmm. (no nothing is sacred)

My life used to be fraught with coincidence and synchronicity that had meaning.

I did think there was such thing as "pure coincidence", but that it didn't occur as often as we'd like to think. Most "coincidences" were manipulations of our unconscious mind, gravitating things into our lives as signs, or hints, or guidance. But I guess childhood ended some time during law school, and now the signs still come up, but they just have no more meaning anymore.

I've got this pile of work sitting behind me, and it's so bad that I'm at a complete loss why boss-lady hasn't come in here and asked, "what's going on here?". But I think she's giving me credit for being responsible and not in need of micro-management, and I appreciate that enough that I might come in on the weekend to clear some of this out.

I actually could use some micro-management about now. I'm not feeling very responsible. But I haven't given any indication that something's going on, so there's no reason for her to instigate an intervention. Not that she doesn't have enough shit to deal with everyday without one or two of her team members melting down. And an intervention would just make me freeze up and lock anyway.

And I'm not melting down. Really, nothing has happened to cause me to melt down except that it's April again. My daily routine has been the same, my thoughts haven't been unusual, I've been doing fun stuff, Daylight Savings Time has kicked in, and the weather's getting warmer, it's just that it's April again. But then what the hell is this pile of work sitting behind me?

Boss-lady was subtley hinting/suggesting that I write down issues for each case if they had any, just in case something happened to me. Like get hit by a bus. It was subtle because what she said made me come up with the suggestion. As a manager, she's GENIUS.

Joycee factoid of the day: SHOW AND TELL: She brought in this teeny-tiny radio-control (RC) car that is less than two inches long and we set up a ramp in my "spare cube" to do jumps.

On David Hasselhoff: 

I hate to subject even more innocent human beings to this than I already have. I would just like to say that the first time I watched this, I was shocked and incredulous, like I had just watched the meaning of life sucked away right before my eyes, there was no reason to live another day on this planet with any hope for anything whatsoever. Pointless. 

What brought me to watch it a second time, I don't know, maybe desperation. After losing the meaning of life, perhaps I needed to revisit the source of this hideous violation of my being. This time, there was one shot with a fish that elicited a grin out of me. 

Finally, after sending it to co-workers, followed by introspective discussions and focus/support grouping with said co-workers, I watched it one last time. I actually think I appreciated it, if not enjoyed it. Really. I'm even feeling a little bit, dare I say it?, European. Yes, indeedy. Yes, indeedy, indeed. 

Ladies and gentleman, I present to you: 

David Hasselhoff (NB: No, YouTube did not exist in 2002, this is a stand-in replicating whatever video technology did exist back then. - future ed.)

Disclaimer: I have no background information on the production or source of this. If anyone knows anything about it, please don't tell me. 

My good friend Terry had just this to say about it: 

"To whomever is responsible for this: 

Don't ever do this to me again. 

Never. 

Got it? 

-tk" 

Joycee factoid of the day: Joycee: "The sun's coming out"; Me: "And it's not even tomorrow"; Joycee (without missing a beat): "The sun'll come out, tomorrow, tomorrow".

Monday morning reality check.
*sigh*
Yup, still here.

Katie mix (finally):

1. Science vs. Romance (Rilo Kiley)


2. Flowers (Cibo Matto)


3. 3rd Planet (Modest Mouse)


4. I Was a Kaleidoscope (Death Cab for Cutie)


5. Fake French (Le Tigre)


6. Start Together (Sleater-Kinney)


7. Skylines (764-HERO)


8. Radar Follows You (Versus)


9. Carry the Zero (Built to Spill)


10. Raining (Versus)


11. Atropine (Rainer Maria)


12. BBtone (Pinback)


13. Room Service (Pizzicato Five)


14. Hotel Yorba (The White Stripes)


15. Out of Gas (Modest Mouse)


16. Information Travels Faster (Death Cab for Cutie)


17. At the Surface (764-HERO)


18. Morning Glory (Versus)


19. August (Rilo Kiley)

Northern Exposure quote of the day:
Enrique Lopez (a shepard): You know, lately, I ask myself, "What are people going to say about me after I'm gone?" Enrique Lopez, he raised sheep. I gotta try something else before I'm too old.
Ruth Anne: Like what?
Enrique Lopez: I don't know. Cows, maybe.

"Saving Daylight" - Sara Suleri (Meatless Days)
Soon, I think, we will put the clock forward, obliterate one April hour, and the day will make a startling leap into expansive evenings, creating ample setting for lucid conversation. What times of old luxury I have known in something like the miraculous length of evening in an English summer . . . sitting in a garden with my father talking through night's stillness, the total stillness of a summer in Lahore. The garden is still full with people and voices, bodies waiting for the rain and its sharp release of fragrance when it puts water on their dust, in order that they may sigh aloud, "another summer done". I, in some other era of negotiation with my clock, own now a different idiom in which to mention respite: "anther summer," sighs my father; "another winter," echo I.

I have long since not read and re-read this book in Amina's voice, which I heard last in January of 1994. Not so strangely, I have also since ceased to consider this book one of my favorites, and not so beautifully written as I did when Amina was in my life.

I still consider Amina the love of my life, "I will always love you first and most", I had written or said. And it's true, I still love her first and most. The only difference is that Amina, the person I knew ten years ago, certainly does not exist anymore. If I were to run into her now, that wicked chemical spark I felt when I first laid eyes on her, and felt each and every subsequent time I met up with her, wouldn't be there.

If I ran into her on the street now, I would see her and remember the feelings, but more like as if they were on a page in a book, not as if they were in three dimensional physical reality. So when I say that I maintain my "love you first and most" directed at her, what does that mean? It has nothing to do with the physical fact of her existence somewhere, probably in Chicago, definitely married, nor the possibility of our paths crossing once more.

It means that my love for her was real, more real than anything this physical reality could suggest or have to offer, but it had more to do with me than it did with her, per se. It was about my ability to love, to accept, to see things differently, to break out of the mould that was created by my upbringing (although it was that mould that significantly contributed to our departure from each other's lives, I think). Amina was the catalyst of so much, she has no idea I shouldn't wonder, that I think I would be unrecognizably different today if I had never met her.

As it is, every April and every October, I pick up this book and read through the last chapter, "Saving Daylight", even though it in large part makes no sense to me. And I no longer read it hearing Amina's voice.

"Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion" was on TV. I was friends with Mira Sorvino in high school (she was two years older in my brother's grade), and I started watching it and was just enthralled. She actually is a really, really good actress, and I'm watching this movie noticing what a great acting job she's doing. Her accent is incredibly funny! I'm totally eating it up.

Sadly, 'Michelle and Romy' is one of her better films. And it's actually a pretty good one, the humor is markedly subtle and clever, almost sophisticated in its dead-pandedness (dead-panness? dead-panninity?). My ex-sister-in-law was best friends with Mira in high school (Mira came to the wedding in a limo - tres disappointing) and she lamented Mira's choice of scripts. Mira would be a great dramatic actor, and all the roles she's taken have not been sympathetic to her talent. She pulled off Romy, but it should have been her "fun" gig to show she can be fun and quirky.

Well, that's my brush with fame. And anyone who knows me is two degrees of separation from Mira Sorvino, and three degrees of separation from everyone in Hollywood that Mira knows. I'm two degrees of separation away from Chow Yun-Fat ('Replacement Killer') and Rob Morrow ('Quiz Show'), and therefore three degrees of separation from the entire cast of 'Northern Exposure'. Woo hoo.

Other brushes with the Sorvino's factoids:
- Paul Sorvino, was a pompous butt
- I went out with her sister Amanda for like three months in high school (she was a year younger than me, and went to Tenafly high? I think she also had something to do with that professional children's school in Manhattan since she was a child prodigy)
- I think Mira finished her Harvard application on my brother's computer the night it needed to be posted. I forget if my brother drove her to Manhattan get it in on time.
- Amanda was a child prodigy on piano
- I have recordings of Mira singing 'Dear Prudence' (The Beatles) and 'Another Nail for My Heart' (Squeeze) . . . flat. Apparently her voice was much better by her China sojourn (she was a Chinese major at Harvard or something like that), when she sang on Chinese TV. Or so I heard. She's fluent in Mandarin. Or so I hear.
- During college, I was visiting my friend Lisa in Boston, and we were walking around and Lisa kept running into high school friends. I thought if there was anyone in Boston I knew, and the only person I could think of was maybe Mira at Harvard, and not too long thereafter, boom, we ran into Mira!! I think my jaw dropped.
- Amanda was much better at mimicing and doing imitations than Mira (Amanda was very outwardly, playfully creative, whereas Mira was a more serious thespian), but after Mira got famous, I caught her on Conan O'Brien, and Mira did an imitation of Amanda that made me fall out of my chair!

current soundtrack: my own horn

There was a news report several days ago about how rude Americans are and that after Sept. 11, there was a period of kindness and self-reflection, but that most people think that things have gone back to "normal". I wasn't sure, it's still too soon. Any longer term socio-cultural impact would show over time. But I think it's true. 

The images of the twin towers being struck by hijacked airplanes, the collapse of the buildings with thousands inside, the tragedy and the heroism, the lives affected, the nation – society, culture, communities, identity and pride – all affected. But the truth is, here in the aftermath, we, as individuals making up a society, cannot even conjure the most basic decency towards fellow people.

Burma news (NYT): As the military government continues to make conciliatory gestures during long-running talks with the opposition leader Daw Aung San Suu Kyi, Foreign Minister Win Aung told the Reuters news agency that she would eventually be freed from house arrest. "Oh yes, if possible, of course we will do that," he said. "Suu Kyi will not be in her house for the rest of her life." Ms. Aung San Suu Kyi, a winner of the Nobel Peace Prize, has spent much of the last 13 years under house arrest.

Yea, I can see that statement being made. Foreign Minister Win Aung: "Oh yes, if possible, of course we will do that. Suu Kyi will not be in her house for the rest of her life. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. Aaah-ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha. . . . Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha . ha." (wipes tear away).

Arrgh!! 

I feel totally blocked. Last month I had a glimmer of hope of being able to write something, anything, even if it was crap. But now, nothing. Nada. Maybe it is time to give this up completely. Giving up music completely would be letting go of a huge weight. I know that. Music is an attachment, a distraction, an inhibition. 

I don't have musical "talent". I have to work my ass off for any accomplishment. Nothing I do music-wise is "inspired". It's ego. To do music is not why I'm here. My primary goal in this life is to just gain a little bit more clarity on the nature of reality and life, and the meaning of the link of this life to past and future lives. 

Last Summer, when I got back together with Nobuko and Vikki for the first time in five years after breaking things off contentiously, they were shocked when I told them I stopped running. They knew me from before, and running was part of my identity. It was an aspect of me that they knew me by. What if I cut away music from my identity? 

But we have to change and adapt, and if losing parts of me contributes to my journey, I'm mature enough to recognize it and be able to do it. Self-destruction is a theme of my life. Cutting away parts of my identity would be a form of self-destruction, just not as negative as my other forms of self-destruction. It's positive because it's not superficial, it's getting closer to my own truth. 

I'm not going to talk about this with anyone. If it's up for discussion, then it's fake, that means I'm not secure about the decision. If it's real, I'll just do it. It should be like the running was to Nobuko and Vikki. One day comes and it's gone and no longer part of my identity, just a memory.

dream interlude:
It was one of those dreams that interprets what I'm actually hearing while sleeping. In this case, NPR. Yes, my alarm clock is set to National Public Radio first thing in the morning. It was a news report on the latest in the Middle East. So in my dream I was in Bethlehem, lying on my back on the roof of the Church of the Nativity with a gun with a bunch of other people, hiding from Israelies.

I forget if we were Christian or Muslim, but we obviously weren't Israelies since we were hiding from them. But either the building was really short, or the Israelies were really huge because we could see their unusually big heads over the wall, and by extension, they could see us. The tension and fear was thick in the air, and at some point I fired my gun and shot an Israeli in the . . . well, obviously in the head, but it didn't do anything. I could see the bullet hole in his red bald forehead, but he was still there. Finding a news photo in my later perusal of the New York Times showed that my Bethlehem looked nothing like the real thing. Mine was too clean and not scary enough.

I want to make an Israeli flag, and instead of a Star of David, put a light blue Nazi swastika where the Star of David should be. Nazi Germany rolls off the tongue easily enough, as it is entrenched in our 20th Century lexicon, but it seems to take a little time to sink in when I say Nazi Israel. It would be ironic if it wasn't so horrific.

A rare Joycee AND ELIZABETH factoid of the day: They are both persons in black (pibs) today, and they are both too young to know what a pib is. Ah, the Asian pibs of the early '90's. Now there was a scene.

I think it's time for another mental health day. Maybe this Friday.

Depressingness: A Rant in Three Parts

I blog-surf and find these blogs by college-aged students complaining about how old they feel, and how they're still angsty and wonder when it will stop. Hardened, bitter cynic that I am, I just want to shake them and tell them, "YOU'RE GOING TO FEEL THE EXACT SAME WAY 10 YEARS FROM NOW". 10 years from now, you will still be feeling "oh, I'm getting so old". Get over it, you're getting older every day, age is arbitrary, what matters is how you feel inside, and if you're harping about your age at 22, you'll be harping about your age at 32 unless you GET OVER IT.

About the angst, the solution isn't that simple or promising. If you're angsty and without direction and not surrounded by like-minded people, you'll still be angsty 10 years from now. Only the angst will become an existential angst. OR you can bury your feelings and idealism, make sacrifices, and realize that for the long haul, the best thing to do is figure out your career and set your sights on making a living, and that that is more important than your feelings that are the cause of your angst, which 10 years from now will turn into existential angst.

The OUT: focus your passion and channel it and lower your inhibitions in pursuit of it. Starving for a while doesn't hurt, neither does making sure you don't have a net under you. If you're not on top of your game, humility is an ally. Even if you are on top of your game, humility will help you maintain your humanity. Prepare yourself for rejection on the way. Rejection will try to smack you down at every turn, but if you let it, you might miss the 'opportunity'. But more importantly, keep your eye out for your "tribe". When you find like-minded people, appreciate them and don't fuck with your relationship with them.

I am, of course, writing out of experience of what I have not done. Geez, I don't have issues, I have a subscription!

current soundtrack: Fugazi - "The Argument"

I like to walk around the office without my glasses on because I'm, like, blind without them and it's just another way to amuse myself and alleviate the boredom. I wonder what our clients would think if they knew what we were like. Or are work places pretty much the same anywhere?

Back by popular demand:
Joycee factoid of the day: Explained that Dannon yogurt is supposed to be eaten like a custard. You put it upside down on a plate, flip it over, poke a hole on the bottom of the container, lift the container off the yogurt, and the fruit spills down the side of the yogurt in a delectable treat. Not all lumpy like when you just mix it up with a spoon.

current soundtrack: The Beatles - (Abbey Road)

take free enneagram test
This was an interesting test. I'd agree with the results.

current soundtrack: Modest Mouse - "The Lonesome Crowded West".

Here's the man with teeth like God's shoeshine
He sparkles, shimmers, shines
Let's all have another Orange Julius
Thick syrup standing in lines
The malls are the soon to be ghost towns
Well so long, farewell, good-bye
- "Teeth Like God's Shoeshine" (Modest Mouse)

I went to Chinatown for lunch and it looks like they've painted all the garbage bins a festive Chinese red. I guess that's more PT (politically tolerable, we've lowered the bar in the post-90's era) than the chinkee pagoda phone booths.

That's right, children, no more negative admonishing with a pointing index finger, "that's NOT politically correct!". We're a kinder and gentler people in the post-90's era and give positive shrugs of, "eh, that's politically tolerable".

In other news, I visited WebMD.com this morning to see if they could tell me if I'm developing an ulcer. I ended up stumbling upon the section on depression and I take the depression test. The questions are pretty banal and predictable (yes, yes, no, no) and then I get to the suicide question. I answer it and a box pops up in bold: "You are at severe risk of depression, having your first born mauled by pitbulls, and a dark cloud of locusts descending on your mother's vegetable garden. Seek help immediately you psycho!! Retake test?". *blink* *blink*. OK then.

So I continue reading about depression and I'm going through the symptoms, and by the end I'm satisfied that I'm not depressed. Next section: Manic Depression/Bipolar. OMG, it's the story of my life! Sorry, I shouldn't be joking about mental illness, but if I hadn't gone through the system at such a tender age, I wouldn't have developed such a sense of humor about it.

NB: If you take the depression test on WebMD, the correct answer to the suicide question is NO.

Leaving the fiction behind:
The irony is that I'd been pushing the band to change its name for some time. But is there a more appropriate name for a band that I'm in than "Fiction"? "Fiction", as an art form, is the story of my friggin' life. Until, that is, blogging came along. Blogging, as a form of expression, is decidedly non-fiction, unless explicitly fiction.

So maybe it is appropriate that I quit the band at this point.

What does blogging mean to me? It means being able to be honest. Even if it's veiled, you can at least put it out there into the "wired" as it's called in Lain. And putting myself into the wired, I feel like I'm letting myself go into it. I'm draining myself out and making it not so important, by making it public. Once I get it all out, I don't know. I'll jump off that bridge when I get to it.

I moved half of my stuff out of the studio today. I felt nothing. I have no attachment to Lisa or the band. Once I'm out and return the keys, that will be the end of our contact. With that kind of dynamic, it's not a matter of why am I quitting, it's a matter of why didn't I quit a long time ago?

So I'm also selling equipment I don't need, don't know why I even bought a lot of it. I pulled my reserve Takamine out of the studio and it sounds sooo good. I'm not selling it! I'll lend it to Sadie if she likes it, give it to her if I leave the area, but I ain't gonna let go of it. I like my main Takamine for some reason I don't know, but I think my reserve Takamine sounds better.

It also occurs to me that I can move away from this city anytime now, there's nothing keeping me here. Maybe I can be an ex-pat for a while, maybe go to Taiwan.

current soundtrack: The Kinks - "Muswell Hillbillies"

"Well, I cut down women, I cut out booze
I stopped ironing my shirts, I stopped cleaning my shoes
I stopped going to work, I stopped reading the news
I'm sitting twiddling my thumbs cos I got nothing to do
Minimal exercise to help uncomplicate my life
Gotta stand and face it, life is so complicated
Got to get away from the complicated life, son
Life is over-rated, life is complicated
Must alleviate this, complicated life"
- "Complicated Life" (The Kinks)

Lain, Episode 1: An anime that opens up with a girl committing suicide. I think I'll watch more.

I've always had a fascination with trains. I started understanding it in Japan when I was 14 years old. I was spending the Summer in Osaka with my older cousins. One late night I decided to head out on bike.

It was glorious because the streets were deserted at whatever time in the morning it was. I rode across bridges that were crowded with cars during the day. I came across a train crossing. The train signal sounded and the bar came down. I stopped and stood waiting for the train to come and pass.

No one was there so I ducked under the barrier and saw the train light coming towards me, imagining that I was standing on the tracks. It was huge and frightening, and my eyes widened as the train rushed down on me. As the train was going past, I walked right up to it and held my hand inches away from it, feeling the wind rushing over my hand.

It couldn't touch me. So much weight, so much speed, so much power, and as long as I was an inch away, it couldn't harm a hair on the palm of my hand. All that power and it's all controlled, restricted by the track. One foot forward and I'm dead. One foot back and it's the rush of excitement from a warm wind and the smell of oil and steel. This means something yo.

current soundtrack: Engine Down - "Demure"