I need to be put on trial with everyone who has ever known me as prosecutor. Let the accusations fly. There will be no defense. Fortunately, I wouldn't need one since I would be the judge. Sadie pretty much got it right when she said my personal relationships hinge on their entertainment value to me (I take it she only figured that out because she's like that, too).

I think it's because I finally decided that I can't take conflict in relationships anymore. That explains the unilateral reconciliation with my parents (or maybe it's the result of that). Maybe that's why people come and go from my life like a revolving door – most people just don't get how I don't take reality seriously. I understand. Not everyone understands that they're just part of the entertainment. just kidding. or am i?

My friendship of several years with Anita started deteriorating when she started putting pressure on it on several fronts. Our friendship didn't survive Ritu dropping dead, even though the only nexus was that Anita and Ritu were like sibling rivals and Ritu was my boss.

In my last relationship, I had only one problem with it – she kept on finding problems with me. And she would get violent about it. OK, two problems. Nothing else put me off or got me mad or impatient or frustrated or judgmental or etc. otherwise. But after a while of putting heart and soul into the relationship and making it work, change wasn't happening fast enough and the violence didn't end, so I ended the cycle of breaking up and getting back together. I just wanted to be entertained.

So it's hard to get into a relationship now when my expectation is the myopic view that there will be no issues regarding the relationship. I have my issues, but I won't take them out on the relationship. But if the relationship has to deal with my issues, I won't prevent that, either. I don't mind the other person bringing their issues into the relationship, as long as it's realized that this is a collaborative effort. I hope I can take what I've developed in this life into my next life and be able to maintain a relationship. And hopefully I'll be monk.

Sadie: Friends are so hard to raise.

What else did we talk about? Oh yea, a friend of hers had a baby not long ago and he finds child-raising unnerving because it keeps changing personalities on him every few months. One month you're raising this kid, several months later you're raising a totally different kid. thought worthy.

current soundtrack: Seam - "The Problem With Me"


November 2, 2002; 12:04 P.M. - Default shot outside my front door. Hampshire and 19th Street.