Deer Park Monastery, Escondido, CA

After being cancelled in October, Thich Nhat Hahn's trip to Vietnam is back on, so it looks like most of the monastics here will be gone from January 8, 2005 to mid-April. I have to consider what that might mean for me, even though it depends on what the monastics decide for me, too.

Someone mentioned that it's possible that I might be declared an aspirant before then and invited to go on the trip expenses paid (there's no way I can afford to go otherwise). That means I would not only be definitely on the road to monkhood, but I would feel somewhat indebted to become a monk. I don't feel so great about that, commitment-phobe that I am.

I might be told I can stay at the monastery with the remaining monastics, continuing on as a paying guest. If that happened, my money would run out by late February at the latest, calculating in a little bit of buffer to get back into secular life. If that happens, that happens. But if monkdom is out and leaving becomes inevitable, why would I continue staying for so long, why wouldn't I leave on January 9?

But what am I talking about going back to secular life at all? Becoming a monk is supposed to be my only living option. What about plan A? If plan A goes back into effect, might that be implemented on January 9? Might I stay beyond late February and let more money run out before implementing plan A? I confuse myself on this one.

I might be told that I can stay at the monastery, but also be declared an aspirant, meaning I wouldn't have to pay anymore. In that case, I suppose I would just continue on this path investigating monasticism on my own terms. I would be least averse to this happening because it involves the least for me to do or think about.

Does anyone still believe that I'm suicidal (plan A)?! Doubt it. I'm sure there are people, maybe experts in the field, who if they read this would easily determine that I never was suicidal. I just don't fit the profile. That's fine, bully for them. As for my entertaining the thoughts, I realize that as I go on, my life touches more people, and so would my suicide. Bully for them, too. I'm responsible for my life, they're responsible for theirs.