Let it go, let it go, let it go. I know I can be a monastic. I think I can be a pretty darned good monastic. I think I'd be a boon to this community, and they should be doing everything they can to keep my interest, just as I'm doing everything I can to show them I'd be right for this community. But since they aren't me, since they aren't in my brain and in my personal history, I have to show certain things to them to convince them I'm right enough for this community.

But fuck being judged. I thumb my nose at being judged. I'm not going to bend over backwards to show them my original face. I'm not going to sell myself to them. I'm just going to continue being myself. Which is the point, after all. If they're not satisfied with me not planting a flag on my forehead with "monastic aspirant" on it, so be it. If I run out of money and have to leave, so be it.

I depend on their encouragement and whatever signs they send me to keep my morale up and momentum on the monastic path. And as is particular with me, I also depend on the flow of time moving forward, and what happens when. I also depend on any discouraging signs and the lack of encouragement, as well.

Plan A is still here. It's still my trump card. I still see signposts indicating turn-offs for Plan A. So I'm not going to sweat any judgments. I'm not going to sweat over becoming an aspirant or money running out, or how who thinks what of me.

I just continue to sit, continue to keep pulling myself back to my practice, continue to renounce the material life and trying to come to terms with that. On my own terms.