I'm feeling no better about this place, and I'm temporarily feeling hypocritical putting out that I'm thinking about becoming a monk here. It's not that I'm not, but I'm experiencing the proverbial "Great Doubt" about the practice here.

I don't even know what happened, what snapped that made me go from 100% certainty to 95% doubt. Why didn't I see these problems before? Why did I consider this place pretty much perfect for me?

It's me, the problem is me, and it's ugly. When the darkness I'm dealing with overwhelms me, there is not a place on this planet, inside or outside of me, where I'm safe, and I don't think there are brothers in the world who can support me, despite their best intentions. And concurrently, I don't even want their support. I want to be consumed. I want the void.

It's strange how all this is going down. Last week, I rushed out a letter to the community to submit before my mentor left for Australia. It wasn't a very good letter, I was still non-committal about becoming an aspirant, and I've heard no response regarding it. I probably shouldn't have submitted it and waited until just before they left for Vietnam. It didn't make a difference that I submitted it through my mentor.

Then after submitting the letter, I told my parents that I was thinking of becoming a monk and they expressed no opinion about it, and that made my decision more solid. And now with this crashing doubt, and no one in the community acting as a liaison to tell me what the community is thinking, and with their Vietnam trip coming up, I'm just flapping in the wind.

I heard through the grapevine that I wouldn't have to pay for staying at the monastery while they were in Vietnam, but I didn't hear it from my mentor or any other of the Dharma Teachers, and so as far as I'm concerned, I've heard nothing. Which means I would have to leave anyway for financial reasons, and if nothing attaches me or attracts me to this community, why would I come back?

Why is this happening? It's me. This is all my creation. It's not happening to anyone else. If I reject this monastery and attempt Plan A again, that would be my creation as well. So what's really going on?

Actually, I don't know what the 'rents are thinking. A few days after I told them I was going to join this community, they started pushing me to go to Taiwan for the three months while the monastics were in Vietnam, instead of spending time in New Jersey visiting them.

Now I'm considering taking them up on the offer. I don't know why they are suggesting that I go to Taiwan, there's no reason for it. I have no connection with family over there. I haven't talked to my cousin Audrey in years and her English is probably non-existent by now. Any love from before was lost and I would go there detached and impersonal.

But maybe I could do a tour of monasteries over there. Maybe I could do some family research through archives. I wonder what the 'rents are thinking. What is their ulterior motive, because I know they have one? But as always, I will use their ulterior motive only to my own ends.