I heard that to be a monk, you have to more than 100% sure.

I heard that there are people who say they have to become a monk or they feel they will die.

I've been feeling more on the lines of "If I don't die, I'll become a monk".

And sometimes not.

It would require a transformation to become a monk, and the transformation continues after becoming a monk. It would require transforming suffering. It would mean becoming a very different identity.

It would mean transforming my suffering. Delving way back and digging in the dirt to uproot problems and deal with the seeds of that suffering. Back into problems that are of no more significance to the living of my life, but have nevertheless shaped who I am.

Why do I even need to do that? I could easily just leave the past behind. In secular life I could do that. In secular life, I'd have to do that. The only way I could even attempt to do that in secular life is by committal into a mental hospital. Ha, so my secular equivalent of a monastery is a mental hospital.

But as a monastic, those things would eventually have to come up. It would be required to truly transform, which is the aim of this monastic practice.

The seeds of suffering need to be dug up and dealt with to transform the suffering. Transforming the suffering is necessary because we can't help others transform their suffering if we are still suffering ourselves. It is a monastic vow to help others transform their suffering.

It means transforming my identity, since my identity has been formed by suffering. That's why we get new names when we ordain. I'm not so attached to my identity that I'm not willing to let to go. I'm only still attached to my DVD collection.