I want to bring more attention to how pathetic I am by whining like a teenager how I have no friends. The realization just came matter-of-fact like out of the blue, so it doesn't have the self-pitying angst of a teenager, but I can try.

Actually, it was more of a realization how my primary "social interaction" is the internet. I don't know anyone here in New Jersey. I don't count family as "social interaction", anything that goes on between us qualifies more as "family dysfunction". Really, we can say "hello" to each other and it would be dysfunctional.

As for people I know who are elsewhere, it is getting so old and over. I used to purge people from my life every once in a while. That happened naturally. Things got old and over and I dispatched myself from their lives.

After a while, I started appreciating people in retrospect and re-considering my tactic. I started thinking that when you find "your people", your tribe, hold onto them as if your life depended upon it. It just might.

So I held onto some people, maybe I can consider them test subjects, and you know what? In the natural course of things, the dynamic with these people is still following the same old patterns, and we should have parted ways in natural order.

I examine the dynamic and my interactions with them, and it's become so substanceless and undependable. It's become frustrating and aggravating. Who are these people? What are they doing in my life? Bring the reality closer to the feeling I get from them.

I know it's me. No one else has these issues. I make my friends into my own image and that sets up the dynamic that eventually brings frustration and aggravation and the parting of ways.

It's uncanny, though. With one person I lost contact with earlier this year, our last conversation was basically her asking me why I couldn't be the person she wanted me to be. *blink, blink*. That wasn't uncanny. That was just nuts. Clean the slate, try to clear my mind. Whatever.