There has only been one person who was even vaguely close to me who has died. She was my boss, but she was also a friend of a friend, and we went out for drinks after work almost regularly. She was an alcoholic, pretty fucked up, and emotionally abusive. She was also drop-dead gorgeous and brilliantly smart. We liked a lot of the same things in popular culture and she intimidated me.

She died in 2000 after an emotional meltdown triggered by her boyfriend breaking up with her. Her family said her kidneys and liver failed, but I know that she caused her kidneys and liver to fail. I wrote about my perspective of the events leading up to her death, and I was less than sympathetic. I was callous.

It's hard reading what I wrote. I was no friend. All I can do now is whisper "I'm sorry, Ritu," as I read. I read back, and I see signs that look like guidance, things that happened, that make me think I was supposed to be more active in helping her out.

Once I was avoiding her, but another friend had to call me. So I told the friend a signal so I would know it was her calling and not Ritu. Later in the day, I got the signal and picked up the phone. It was Ritu. I think that call ended in frustration and her hanging up on me, and then trying to call me back for the next 20 minutes.

That was a long time ago. I can't regret how I treated her. But I still think about it. But it's not about her anymore, she's moved on, it's only about me and what I've learned about my behaviors, my habit energies, and what I want to do to transform them.

Her death is still reaching me, and I wasn't even that close to her. Our deaths, any deaths may have far reaching effects. It doesn't matter if it was a suicide or not. If she chose to go is not a consideration at all, just that she's gone. That she's still affecting me means to me that she is a part of me. The reality of her is gone, whatever reality of her that is left is me, my reality.

That's why we live. Maybe my suicide will have far reaching effects that I'm not anticipating. I am expecting of anyone who knows me that they will not be affected by my suicide. My death, sure, fine, OK, whatever, but not my suicide. Hey, we all die. Don't single me out because I chose it. People never did live up to my expectations.

So I say, "I'm sorry, Ritu," but I'm saying that to myself. I'm not saying it to Ritu "out there" somewhere. I think back to what I did and think what I would do different, but that's not reality. How I treated her was me, my habit energies, my karma. And I will never treat anyone that way again.