Probably the most important thing I discovered at the monastery was the intensely negative mind that I've cultivated and habitualized through my life, and that it doesn't have to be that way. It's an artifice, it's not just "what I am" or the way I think.

So probably the most important idea to practice that I took away from the monastery is to be mindful of my negative mind and cultivate positive thinking. It's tricky when it gets to me, because suicide is not necessarily negative for me, but that's not my point here.

It's also tricky in my interpretation because positive thinking that leads to a general feeling of well-being that then becomes an attachment is also not a goal, nor necessarily a good thing. Being positive and happy is fine, but being attached to it inevitably brings suffering since it inevitably ends. Neither is this my point here.

Being negative and critical is fine because it can be useful, but not being mindful of it runs the risk of cultivating it and it becoming habitualized to the point where it becomes an attachment. With positive, happy, well-being, the risk is becoming attached to it. With negative and critical mind, the risk is of it becoming attached to us.

This is important in my belief system because what is at the very core of our being, on the subtlest levels of mind, is what shapes our reality around us. And more importantly, at death when physical and material reality melts away, all that's left is that core being, that subtlest level of mind, and that's what guides us to our next life.

In the most general descriptive, if we are negative and have cultivated a negative mind, that's what we are attracted to in the between process, and we are born in circumstances that result from that. That's neither good nor bad, just karma. You can be born in negative circumstances, but that might also be the set up to overcome obstacles and end up positive. None of this is moral in human terms.

None of this was my point, though.

All I wanted to do was point at my last entry and acknowledge the negative mind that was manifested towards my parents and my cousin. So my parents don't know what my highest level of education was. Yes, I'm angry that they don't know me any better and make no effort to involve themselves in the simplest ways. Being negative about it and making snippy comments isn't going to change anything, so it's better to accept it and cultivate transformation in myself so that I'm not impacted negatively.

With my cousin, we've always had an intensely love-hate relationship where either we really love each other, or we're really disinterested in each other and want nothing to do with each other. I can suffer by allowing this "natural" dynamic to bat my feelings around, or I can cultivate patience and wisdom.

If she's deliberately ignoring me by not checking her gmail account, if I really need to contact her, I can send the same message to her main account. I don't know why she's avoiding and ignoring me, that's her business, and my feelings about it need to realize I'm not her. She does things and she has her reasons. I don't need to judge them, since I do things and I have my reasons that other people don't understand, and I don't like to be judged on them either.

None of this is getting rid of the negativity. It's just cultivating mindfulness of it, so if I ever get the mental tools to transform it, I can be aware of it.