Uh, so let's see...2005: feeling sorry for myself.

January: transition month from monastery to Taiwan via New Jersey.
February-March: Taiwan.
April: transition month back to monastery via New Jersey and San Francisco.
May-July: monastery.
July-December: loser me in loser New Jersey, doing absolutely nothing, reaching new lows. Even killing myself would've been doing something, but I even accepted that I wasn't even going to do that.

2006: continue doing what I don't want to do, by definition, because there is nothing that I do want to do. Anything I end up doing, I don't want to be doing, just because it is doing something.

Madoka sent an eCard on Christmas. She stopped substantive communications a couple years ago, and all my efforts to make a connection went ignored. She hasn't emailed since early November, and I've accepted that everything is different between us, and there just isn't anything left. I will reply, but not with much.

Audrey sent a one line happy new year email. She effectively stopped communicating in October with no explanation, when everything was seemingly going really well between us. Her communications since then, including this one, has suggested that she is cutting contact, and I accept. I won't reply.

As I said, this is just feeling sorry for myself. It is neither reality nor my reality. Cut me some slack, I skipped sitting this morning. Yes, 2006 will be much better. Happy New Years.

current soundtrack: last 10 songs shuffled on iTunes
1. Welcome to the Terrordome (Public Enemy)
2. I Deserve It (Madonna)
3. Here is No Why (Smashing Pumpkins)
4. The Great Escape/The Last of You/Fallin' From the Moon (Marillion)
5. The Nest That Sailed the Sky (Peter Gabriel)
6. The Continental Way (Casiopea)
7. 5:11 A.M. (The Moment of Clarity) (Roger Waters)
8. Don't Start (Too Late) (Black Sabbath)
9. Celluloid Heroes (The Kinks)
10. Senses Working Overtime (XTC)