Perpetual Chinatown:
I know there is probably no more silly comment to make about Taipei, but it is like a huge honkin' big Chinatown!

I settled into my apartment yesterday, spending most of the day cleaning it since there had been construction work done, leaving a choking dust on all surfaces. I need to make the landlady make note that I did not receive the apartment in a clean condition. Great landlady, though. I like her a lot, although no landlord is ever to be trusted. Have to remember there is no relationship there, it's all about money, and in the end, they will try to keep as much of your deposit as possible.

I'm falling into my old bad habits. We had orientation this morning at Shida. Afterwards, I promptly looked for an internet connection in the school building, and having found one, I have not moved for the past two hours, and I still have to open a bank account and get a cellphone. There is no wireless signal in my apartment, but the landlady mentioned to two of us renting there that she will look into getting ADSL for the building with a wireless router. You see, she's nice, but she's still a landlord, and no landlord is ever to be trusted.

Classes start on Wednesday, and it's going to be a whirlwind of intensive language classes. One 3 month semester here is said to be the equivalent of almost 2 years of college level language class.

I reminded myself earlier about a friend of mine at Oberlin, Dwight, who was dyslexic and had particular trouble in math. What did he do about it? He became a math major. How impressive is that? You know you suck at something, you know you have trouble with it, and you major in it?

Well, I've always sucked at languages. With all the effort I've placed into learning Japanese, I really should be able to speak by now. And now, not only am I going full-on to learn another language, but it's a language I really don't care to learn. Chinese sounds all the same to me, I can't tell one road from another and have zero retention in most street names because they all sound the same to me. They all become one big Chinatown blur. Except in Chinatown, the roads are in English. Grant St. Stockton. Mott St. Mulberry.

But I couldn't be more pleased being here. I know my trouble with languages touch on a lot of other issues that I'm watching my mind go through, and I'll be tracking them during my stay. If I was in Japan, I know my neurotic would be peaking. And it would be halla more expensive there. And at least my family is from Taiwan, I have some claim to being here, even with no interest in the language or culture. Issues, dude.

I walk down the streets and see the routines, the lives, the lifestyles. I'm on the outside, and the key barrier is language. Once I unlock the key with language, I could actually participate in this. I could be here. I could belong here. I hope I'm not kidding myself. In the end, I just can't see myself speaking this language.

February 27, Roosevelt Rd and Heping West Road intersection

Footbridge at the southwest corner of Da'an Park over Heping East Road with Taipei 101 in the distance. I think this will be my "default shot", subject matter that I come across often and shoot repeatedly at different times, capturing its different moments.

Feb 26, 10:29 a.m. - elevated MRT line coming down Fuxing South Rd and turning left onto Heping East Rd.

11:44 a.m. - Da'an Forest Park, across the street (Heping East Rd) from my apartment.

12:00 - 12:01 p.m. - this four-way foot-bridge was also in "Yi-yi" (the boy is shot (not in the American sense) walking on it when he sneaks out of school during naptime to get his film developed). Southwest corner of Da'an Park (Heping East Rd. and Xinsheng South Rd).

12:03 p.m. - default shot

12:32 - 12:33 p.m. - smaller alleys in the Shida (pronounced shr-da) area.

9:56 p.m. - my apartment. Compaq laptop on the desk, portable film scanner to the right which I used to digitize all my film negatives until I learned photo-finishers could scan them and put them on a CD for me. To the right of that is an external hard-drive that needed to be plugged in for power. I'm guessing it didn't have even 1 GB capacity. 2006, baby.

Feb 27, 6:25 p.m. - Da'an Park footbridge too cloudy to see Taipei 101.

iTunes Soundtrack:
1. A Kind of Loving (The Police)
2. Pass It On (The Wailers)
3. Strange (R.E.M.)
4. Happy Boobooster '99 (The Pugs)
5. Ruby My Dear (Thelonius Monk)
6. Watch the Silverware (764-HERO)
7. Hainumikaze (Chitose Hajime)
8. Death of a Minor TV Celebrity (The Candyskins)
9. While My Guitar Gently Weeps (The Beatles)
10. Lovely ("A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Forum" - Sondheim)

Feb 23 - 25 photostroll exploration

Feb 23, 12:07 p.m. - first pic after emerging from the hostel. Near Shida.

2:05 p.m. - don't leave home without your giant plastic cow.

2:49-2:50 p.m. - pedestrian underpass

6:51 p.m. - Longshan Temple

Feb 24, 11:11 a.m. - Da'an Forest Park. No Drowning Allowed (is what I hope it says)

Feb 25, 10:35 a.m. - I couldn't believe it, I randomly found the building exterior used in one of my favorite movies of all time "Yiyi" by Edward Yang. I was like 'no way', but I took these pics and compared them to the DVD and it's 100% match.

12:18 p.m. - Liberty Plaza

Taipei, Taiwan:
I am on the ground and I signed a lease for an apartment that I can move into tomorrow, although I won't be able to use the bathroom until tomorrow evening. I was there when they installed the new toilet, and I have to wait 48 hours for it to dry.

I'm currently in a hostel with two iffy wireless hotspots. One, the more reliable one, is out the rear of the building on a tiny porch-like area in an alleyway. It's outside and I have to stand to use it. The one I'm on now is on my bed with me sitting cross-legged in one particular spot. If I stretch out my legs, I lose the hotspot.

Taipei is overwhelmingly large. What looks like a short distance on the map turns out to be much longer on foot. I'm using the expanding concentric ring theory to explore my surroundings.

My first day here, I just explored the immediate hostel and university area. Then yesterday I explored a larger loop that included Taipei's large park, Daan Park. My apartment is across the street from the park, it's absolutely lovely with two 24 hour convenient stores downstairs and a scrumpty looking bakery. It's maybe a 10 minute walk to the language school I'll be attending.

I'm eating off the streets because it is so easy to do here with the point and pay method. Really cheap, tasty food. Today, I'll explore more of my new neighborhood, Daan Park, and try to open a bank account and get a cell phone.

I'm really happy about the location of my apartment. I thought I would look for an apartment in the general area of where this hostel is, south and west of the university, but where my apartment is, directly east of the university, just has a much better, comfortable feel.

This is a boring post that deserves to end right now.

February 24, XP2 Super

the various ways to get around

Da'an Forest Park

February 25, Yongkang Street area

Liberty Plaza, although at the time it was still named after a dictator

iTunes soundtrack:
1. Elvis Presley and America (U2)
2. She's Got Balls (AC/DC)
3. Reality (David Bowie)
4. Close Up (Peter Gabriel)
5. El Condor Pasa (If I Could) (Simon & Garfunkel)
6. So Much to Say (Dave Matthews Band)
7. I Know What I Like (live) (Genesis)
8. Cities in Dust (Siouxsie and the Banshees)
9. Rubber Car (Enon)
10. If I Had a Fine White Horse ("Secret Garden")

Going forth:
Time to sign off. I'm still needing to put a gargantuan effort into keeping calm in the moment, and keeping my anxiety in check. Everything will be fine if I just concentrate on keeping calm in each moment, and mindfully move forward on this path.

So many thoughts and issues rise up to overwhelm in this going forth again.

It’s the coming back, the return, which gives meaning to the going forth. We really don’t know where we’ve been until we’ve come back to where we were, only where we were may not be as it was because of who we’ve become. Which, after all, is why we left.
- Bernard Stevens, "Northern Exposure"

I've come back more times than I care to have, and still I keep going forth. What am I running from? What am I running to? What am I doing on this lonely road? I thought I was killing myself, but now I'm not.

A lot has changed from all this going forth and coming back. And now my feeling is you have to keep getting better, you have to keep progressing, keep transforming. The Jedi training never ends, even as Luke confidently enters Jabba the Hut's lair to rescue Princess Leia.

I have to keep asking, "Is this place better for my having been here?", and as I move on, hope that I can do the same thing wherever I'm going. Even though San Francisco and anyone I met there is no better for my having been there. Not the point. Not the point. It's not?

Ironically, I think my family in New Jersey is better for my having been here. Even my parents, ultimately will have been better for my having been here. Weird for me to think so. I'm such a different person than I was just a year ago. That, I suppose, is the point of going forth.

So tired of all this travelling
So many miles away from home
I keep moving to be stable
Free to wander, free to roam
"Sky Blue" - Peter Gabriel

Feb. 21, 9:27 p.m. - airport lounge. I'm trusting my camera timestamps more than Blogger's, which may be my fault in failing to adjust settings or Blogger having trouble dealing with time-zone hopping. Vagaries of the digital age. I left on February 21.

"Feb. 22, 5:11 p.m." - Somewhere high in the air, some hours into the flight, probably before I adjusted my camera's clock setting, which I probably did after arrival.

Feb. 23, 6:17 a.m. - approaching Taiwan. who the hell cares if the time stamp is correct or not?

6:29 a.m. - it's a credible time stamp, meaning I adjusted it to Taiwan time before taking these shots.

Feb 23, 6:59 a.m. - On the ground. erm, meaning it took 30 minutes from being above the clouds in the air to landing and processed through the airport for this shot? Apparently so, the discrepancy wouldn't be a factor of adjusting camera settings. And this shot might be after de-planing but pre-airport processing (immigration and customs).

7:38 a.m. - Taoyuan Int'l Airport. A view that would become very familiar for many years hence arriving in Taiwan, leading to the bus terminal to catch a coach to Taipei proper.

iTunes soundtrack:
1. Fuck and Run (Liz Phair)
2. All Hands On the Bad One (Sleater-Kinney)
3. Art Decade (David Bowie)
4. Symphony No. 38, III. Finale (Presto) (Mozart)
5. Get Out of My House (Kate Bush)
6. You Won't Be an Orphan for Long ("Annie")
7. Symphony No. 24, III. Allegro (Mozart)
8. Thin Air (Pearl Jam)
9. Dose of Thunder (The Replacements)
10. it (live) (Genesis)

Packing List:
Photography:
- Camera bag
- Pentax ZX-5n (50mm, f/1.7 lens; 28-80mm zoom; 28-200mm zoom)
- filters, dust blower, photowipes, film, negative cleaner
- Lomo fisheye
- Sony Cybershot P9 (USB, power cords)
- film scanner (USB, power cords, negative holder)

Computer:
- laptop (power cord)
- external hard drive (USB, power cord)
- speakers
- iPod and accessories

Music:
- Baby Taylor acoustic guitar, tuner, capo
- 2 shakuhachi
- bass drum pedal, bass drum muffle, 10" splash, 16" splash, still considering whether hi-hats are too heavy

Practice:
- Buddha statue
- incense burner, incense
- inflatable sitting cushion, bass drum muffle can be used for padding
- meditation bell and striker

Bike:
- airstick pump
- Kryptonite and cable
- patch kit

Now, why am I going to Taiwan again? Oh yea, to study the language. Doh!

iTunes Soundtrack:
1. Grapefruit Moon (Tom Waits)
2. Say You Love Me (Fleetwood Mac)
3. The Time of the Turning (reprise)/The Weavers Reel (Peter Gabriel)
4. Sayonara (Versus)
5. Stringman (live unplugged) (Neil Young)
6. That's Your Funeral ("Oliver!")
7. What Does It Take (To Win Your Love) (Junior Walker & the All-Stars)
8. Shoot a 45 (764-HERO)
9. Symphony No. 32 (Mozart) a short one, takes one track
10. Rebel Rebel (live) (David Bowie)

My brother's in-laws wanted to take me out to dinner before I left, so we drove out to their neck of the woods this evening. His marrying into their family has been the greatest thing for me. His in-laws have taken a shine to me and treat me like I'm the one who married into the family. I'm getting all the good perks of in-law extended Taiwanese family and none of the hassles of marriage. It really blows my mind and I'm very appreciative of them.

We talked about Taiwan and we made it sound like Taiwan will be so fun. I appreciated that, too. But I'm not 20 years old. I'm not going for fun. Then I got home and looked over budget considerations, and housing considerations, and long-term visa/residency considerations, and my mind shut down.

I am unaccustomed to taking the long-term into consideration, and doing things that I have to do because that's what people who live do, people who plan to live. But most people never lived like it was an option, and the inconveniences were just headaches to take care of and bitch about. I have to foolishly make it an issue of "is this the kind of person I want to be?"

I admit it. I'm stressed. And frustrated. I have to stop. This is not stress-worthy, and the frustration isn't based on reality. This is not a stressful move. Not only should I look at it as a continuation of my practice, but I should look at it just as a continuation, a flow.

I shouldn't think that I'm leaving here like my time here is ending, and going there is starting over and starting something new. Going there is just a continuation of the same thing, a continuum of existence. It's not a big deal. Relax, take things as they come. Let things fall in my lap.

I remember leaving San Francisco. That was stressful. That was my life falling in the forest and not making a sound because there was no one to hear it. This is not like that. The tree is still lying on the forest floor.

iTunes Soundtrack:
1. Navigators (Casiopea)
2. Dying (XTC)
3. Suite for Flute and Jazz Piano Trio No. 2: Intime (Bolling)
4. How Stupid Mr. Bates (The Police)
5. Jerry Was a Race Car Driver (Primus)
6. Symphony No. 21, III. Menuetto (Mozart)
7. Overjoyed (Victor Wooten)
8. Napoleon (live) (Ani DiFranco)
9. The Tide is High (Blondie)
10. Summer St. (Throwing Muses)

I know that starting over's not what life's about, and here I am starting over. I leave for Taiwan on Tuesday. It was so sudden that I'm not sure how I'm adjusting to this new development. I didn't start packing until today, and late in the day, I decided to drive down to Philadelphia to visit my brother before I left.

I did it because I thought he would really appreciate it. I've been spending so much time with my other brother and I get along so well with his wife and her family. Whereas with Philly brother's wife, there's just no connection and there is a divide. We don't see much of each other, maybe he's a bit isolated from the rest of us in New Jersey. I just wanted to make it clear that he is important enough to me to drive down and visit him and his family before I leave.

I need to not think of going to Taiwan as starting over. I need to see it as a continuation of my path, the monastic one that I decided not to pursue at this time. I need to remember that just recently I was willing to give up my life. All the ideas going through my head of what I might do in Taiwan, all of it was forfeit not too long ago.

I need to really concentrate on keeping things basic and focus on my practice in a way that I haven't in New Jersey with so many distractions and diversions. It's hard. Habits. Momentum.

iTunes Soundtrack:
1. Your Love (Supergrass)
2. English Civil War (The Clash)
3. Soul Love (David Bowie)
4. Web In Front (Archers of Loaf)
5. Don't Mess With Bill (The Marvelettes)
6. Gloria (P.D.Q. Bach)
7. Games Without Frontiers (Peter Gabriel)
8. Lavendar (live) (Marillion)
9. Alladin Sane (Davie Bowie)
10. Capturing Moods (Rilo Kiley)

Zen:
Re-reading a book called "The Platform Sutra of the Sixth Patriarch". It's not really a sutra, and that as much is acknowledged. Sutras, strictly speaking, are the teachings directly attributed to the Buddha. Not in any orthodox way, it's actually pretty loose. The teachings were often passed down in oral tradition for centuries before being written down, and I have no doubt that the words were pushed and pulled to reflect changes and to emphasize particular viewpoints.

My starting point attitude towards people who quote the Buddha, "The Buddha says...", is "Shut up, I don't give a crap can read for myself what the Buddha says, what do you say?". But that's just my starting point. There are plenty of good reasons to quote the Buddha aside from some righteous, trump card authority.

I think flexibility is a hallmark of modern Buddhism, where the basic teachings of wisdom and liberation are at the core (not as simple as that, as each of those lead to a pantheon of discourses expounding upon them), but the form and interpretation can change according to culture and circumstances to suit the pursuit towards wisdom and liberation.

The Platform Sutra was just a Dharma Talk, same as the ones given today by teachers all over the world. But it might be thought of as the King of Dharma Talks, so expansive and incisive that no one is complaining about the sutra tag. Reading it this time through, I see it as the Zen school equivalent of Shantideva's "Guide to the Bodhisattva Way of Life" in Tibetan Buddhism. That was a Dharma Talk, too.

As such, it's fascinating seeing how the two works illuminate the same path with different vocabulary, emphasis, and methodology. Further, I think a good test of understanding for practitioners in either school is to read the work of the other tradition. If you really get the teachings of your own school, it should be no problem understanding and accepting the other work. If you don't . . . I dunno, keep at it. I am.

It's not like I get it now. When I first read the Platform Sutra, I thought I got it. But I read it now thinking I get it, but what I get is completely different from what I thought I got before. They're the same words, but when I come across them this time, I've peeled away another layer of meaning and see something different from before. No doubt when I read it again in the future, the same thing will happen.

iTunes soundtrack:
1. June (Camper Van Beethoven)
2. Meladori Magpie (Smashing Pumpkins)
3. Assassing (Marillion)
4. Day to Day Thing (The Neville Brothers)
5. Adult Education (Hall & Oates)
6. Golden Slumbers (The Beatles)
7. Animal (The Kinks)
8. Last Exit (Pearl Jam)
9. Candyman (Siouxsie & the Banshees)
10. My Spine (is the Bass Line) (Shriekback)

I don't like publicly opining about political or controversial matters because the discussion can just go on and on, with no one listening to each other to come to some middle ground. People just want to spew their view to dominate and call each other names when all else fails.

Commenters on my earlier post helped put a fine point on this frustration, but also let me flesh out my opinion from that post which I cut off because I knew it could go on and on...

In case you missed it, since there is no facial indication on this blog that comments have been left:

Comments:
What do you mean you don't condemn the cartoons? The Whole World is upset because of those racist fools. And you are saying you don't condemn them?
It is very sad to see people like this.
# posted by Muslim Unity : 1:48 PM

I didn't say I don't condemn the cartoons, I said I don't condemn the publications, the act of exercising free speech.

And I actually don't condemn the cartoons, per se, because I am not Muslim and I don't have standing to condemn them or to personally understand why they should be condemned. That Muslims prohibit images of the Prophet is an internal matter of religion. However, I also don't condone the cartoons because of what I wrote in the post.

I don't condemn anyone. Everyone has a reason for what they do, and if we had grown up in similar circumstances in which they had, we might do the exact same thing. I do think it is unfortunate that the publishers did not foresee the impact of their actions, however, it is equally unfortunate that a few Muslims have resorted to violence, and I hope that the Muslim World will direct its energy from being upset into positive action.

Muslims can use this opportunity to discuss amongst themselves to make sure they understand deeply why images of the Prophet are prohibited, not just because it is what they were told, but how it goes to the core of Islam and their Islamic faith. Muslims should also prepare themselves to be able to explain to non-Muslims why they are so upset, but also to listen to the arguments protecting free speech.

From my experience with Muslims and what they have told me, it seems that all Muslims should be condemning the violence, as well as the cartoons.

I abhore racism and growing up in the U.S., obviously I have felt the sting of it at all stages of my life. Racism certainly is as present as it ever has been. However, I am wary of blanket cries of wolf calling racism without a clear indication that race-based discrimination was present. If the cartoon was a negative portrayal of the Buddha, Asians would not be justified in saying it was racist. If the cartoon was a negative portrayal of Arabs or Asians or blacks, that would be racist. Maybe the Dutch publishers are racist, but I have not seen actual evidence of it, so I cannot agree with calling them "racist fools".

I agree it is very sad to see people not even making an attempt to live in peace on however small level is in their control.
# posted by keauxgeigh : 4:21 PM

Why shouldn't they have run these cartoons? What makes Muslims beyond criticism? What next - do we shoot Doonesbury?

If there is no genuine issue or point of discussion that comes out of these cartoons, if they are no more than a type of baseless hate crime, then WHY are so many Muslims reacting by bombing and threatening to bomb anything Danish?

The Danes weren't violent. These Musllim extremists are. If the Islamic faith as a religion wants my support, I want to see at least make an effort made to stop and silence the gangsters who continually use this religion as a shield for their crimes and an excuse for their abject and violent intolerance.

I think all the Danish newspapers were trying to do was show all of us - Muslim or not - what the Islamic extremists do to this faith. And no, it ain't pretty.
# posted by Moose Hunter : 5:45 PM

Lovely, just lovely. People commenting who didn't even read my post.

This is fun, maybe I should write more posts on polar, politicized issues where no one cares what the other side is saying.

I didn't mean they shouldn't have run the cartoons because of some external force telling them not to. Now, having done so in the name of free speech, I understand if they refuse to apologize, although realistically it would be nice if they apologized to stop further violence. The principle and dogma of free speech will survive even with an apology. I just feel it's more important now to put an end to the violence.

When I say they shouldn't have published the cartoons, I mean it internally, as human conscience. They could have foreseen the outcome and said, yes, free speech is important, but in today's climate, it is more important not to incite violence and put lives at risk. This may be idealistic, but I hope these points aren't brushed off just because they're idealistic.

Nothing makes Muslims beyond criticism, no one is beyond criticism, I've been searching my post for where I said that, but I am at a loss.

No I don't think Doonesbury should be shot. Berkeley Breathed, on the other hand, is a different story.

Your next point might be better if you focused it more and made it less rhetorical.

I think all Muslims would like to see the extremists reigned in. On the other hand, I don't see Christians doing a whole lot to reign in the conservative, evangelical right wing Christians, whose violence is in a different form, but nonetheless violence.

I don't think Islamic extremists need the Dutch press to show us - Muslim or not - what they do to Islam. They do a fine job at it themselves, and no, it ain't pretty. Finally, I can agree with you.
# posted by keauxgeigh : 7:03 PM

Grow up. You preach about sensibilities and in the end you are simply cowed by violence. Are you only willing to defend your rights in a pillow fight?

A simple "No offence intended" was all that was called for here. As for your rant about the shortcomings of Christians - DOH. What's that got to do with anything?

Your postings reminds me of the "blame the victim" habit that has become so popular with liberals.
# posted by Moose Hunter : 11:24 AM

I choose not to grow up. The world of adults is nothing to strive for, as that is where the violence seems to be promoted and taking place. I'll take the implication that I haven't grown up as a compliment, so thank you.

It is fine for you to believe that I am cowed by violence. I don't want to be a victim of violence. It is not pleasant. I will however speak up for freedom whenever there is a chance that someone will listen. If no one is listening, then I won't say anything that will incite violence. Nor will I pretend to be a martyr.

I am not only willing to defend my rights in a pillow fight, there are other forums where I would, but a pillow fight would be a wonderful forum in which to do so! Great idea. Bring it on, BYOP. I warn you though, I have one of those big "huggie" pillows.

You appear to be very passionate and serious about this issue, more so than I am. If you leave any more comments, please do so while signed in so people can go to your forum. I'm not calling you one since I don't know you well enough, but it is generally held in this type of forum that people who post inflammatory political opinions without identifying themselves are cowards who are unwilling to open their own views to scrutiny.

You mean I should have said "No offense intended" to you? I really did not mean any offense, neither to Muslims or supporters of the Danish. So, no offense intended, however, I will speak my views and defend them, and I suspect that they will offend both sides, as you can see from Muslim Unity's comment.

I would hardly call that little one sentence tag about Christians a "rant". More of an observation. Interesting calling it a shortcoming, I hadn't intended it that way since many Christians don't consider that stance a shortcoming at all. I can't say "no offense intended" about that, though. It was a joke, but so were the cartoons.

When everyone is doing the blaming, and everyone posits themselves as the victim, it is very difficult to avoid the "blame the victim" habit. It's still better than the "kill the victim" habit that is so popular with conservatives. Oh, I meant that to be snarky, but it turns out that I mean it.
# posted by keauxgeigh : 2:14 PM

iTunes soundtrack:
1. You Must Meet My Wife ("A Little Night Music" - Sondheim) ("She'd strike you as unenlightened"//"No, I'd strike her first")
2. Old Old Song (Ani DiFranco)
3. Clap Hands (live) (Tom Waits)
4. Soldier (Neil Young)
5. Of the Girl (Pearl Jam)
6. Watch that Man (live) (David Bowie)
7. Bang Bang Bang (The Aislers Set)
8. Judas My Heart (Belly)
9. The Right Profile (The Clash)
10. The Passenger (Siouxsie & the Banshees)

I've been a little slow on the uptake. I only heard last month about Billy Corgan megalomaniacally taking out a full-page ad in a Chicago newspaper expressing his feelings about how his heart has always been with Smashing Pumpkins and he wants to reform the band. That was apparently last June, when I was still at monastery.

I've been scrounging around for a review I wrote years ago which commented on Billy's megalomaniacally dramatic statement whilst breaking up the Pumpkins that he and James Iha would never perform on the same stage again. What, were we supposed to cry?

The gist of what I predicted was that they would be back together soon enough after all their solo endeavors flopped in comparison to what the Pumpkins achieved. I think my exact words about the break-up were, "Yea right. Good luck, Billy".

It had been more than six months when I finally got the news, and realized if something was going down with the Pumpkins, it was probably in the works now. But jaded from all the dramatics, I thought that I might give a new Smashing Pumpkins album a chance, but they would seriously have to earn my loyalty back.

Suddenly the anticipation is electrifying. The Pumpkins have had low points through the years, but everything Corgan has done has at least indicated there is huge talent being placed into anything he does (well, and then there was "Zwan", ugh). I guess I'm a true fan at heart.

Man, those Tiny Mix Tape writers are funny.

iTunes soundtrack:
1. Risky (Ryuichi Sakamoto)
2. The Song Remains the Same (Led Zeppelin)
3. Montmatre (Django Reinhardt)
4. Junior's Farm (Paul McCartney & Wings)
5. Epic Problem (Fugazi)
6. I Fought the Law (The Clash)
7. Reviewing the Situation ("Oliver!")
8. The Lap of Luxury/Now Wash Your Hands (Marillion)
9. Leave It to Rust (Enon)
10. Fullhouse (Kate Bush)

Chiming into the whole Mohammed cartoon fray, these things both confound me and totally don't surprise me. It's so funny, and yet so sad and predictably uncivil.

Freedom of speech is sacrosanct in modern Westernized cultures. It's a fundamental right and as sacred as anything gets in the secular world. It was fully within the rights of the Danish publication to run the cartoons.

I don't think they should have. Why should the prophet Mohammed be treated any different than any other religious figure open for caricature and lampoon? Because the Muslims have explicitly said this is forbidden in Islam and would be highly offensive to them. Rights aren't a carte blanche to abuse, they need to be balanced with responsibility and respect.

But as I said, it's still their freedom of speech, so I don't condemn the publications even though I think they should have used better judgment. Once the act was done, it was heartbreaking to see the visual and vocal response, i.e. the one the world sees, is violence.

Kidnapping, killing, riots, boycotts are not the way of peace, and is un-Islamic, I would think. And I look at the ratio of how many Muslims in the world are not being violent to each Muslim who is being violent, and even without numbers I think it's clearly a fringe minority who are being violent.

I don't think the violence is a Muslim reaction, even though much of the world will perceive it as such, even if the perpetrators intended it as such. I think the violence is more about the cultures, the human beings in the culture, and the circumstances within the culture, which might touch on Islam-related things, such as feeling oppressed by the Western world.

I can't say since I'm not Muslim, but I imagine a more Islamic response would be a worldwide call from the imams to engage in a dialogue amongst Muslims and non-Muslims to understand and explain why any portrayal of the Prophet Mohammed is prohibited and offensive.

As for newspapers across Europe re-printing the cartoon in solidarity with the Danish, I can hardly blame them for that. That's the natural response caused by the violent uproar in the Muslim world which in effect posited the issue as "freedom of speech vs. religious fanaticism". It becomes all a part of the escalation with no one wise enough or strong enough to de-escalate.

Alright, that's enough. This post can go on and on, and it's really just an exercise to go on about something. It's not a topic that is near and dear to me. And in my own training, I shouldn't even be writing this because of the way it's training my mind to think and act and move in the material world, when my practice is to be liberated from it by not treating it as reality, as if my words mean something.

In short, the Danish publication shouldn't have published the cartoon, but had the right to. Muslims were right to be offended and outraged, but the response should have not been a resort to violence and didn't have to be. To think people thought the end of people's lives were worth this is horrific. When you woke up this morning did you think you would die today? Do you think they did? That their lives would end that day? A dialogue would have been more effective in teaching non-Muslims about the true nature of Islam, and would have had a better chance of eliciting an apology from the Danish publishers. It would have shown that Muslims respect freedom of speech, but understand the responsibilities that freedom requires. Christians need to stop thinking that people not believing in Jesus the Christ are going to hell because that's a horrifying mindset to have in itself and is just priming themselves for a hell-like existence.

iTunes soundtrack:
1. Rebel Girl (Bikini Kill)
2. I Grieve (Peter Gabriel)
3. Here's Where the Story Ends (The Sundays)
4. Two Is Enough (Seam)
5. Itoshi no Happy Days (Dreams Come True)
6. Now (Edie Brickell & New Bohemians)
7. Dhak Dhak Karne Laga ("Beta")
8. Things We Said Today (The Beatles)
9. Yo Yo Yo (Please Don't Fall in Love) (+/-)
10. Kooks (David Bowie)

Poor me. I'm torn. I don't know whether to get a new digital camera or not. It's not like I can afford it. I don't have a job and my savings are dwindling. But when I say I can't afford it, it's not like I will run out of money for food or get kicked out of my living space.

I don't need to worry about money, but I do. The not needing to worry about money might be attributed to karma. Or stupidity. That I do worry I attribute to mindfulness practice, not taking my good fortune for granted, if I choose to see it as good fortune.

Money is not an issue for me in this lifetime for one reason or another. I think I've dealt with money as a life issue before in previous lifetimes, and I still might in future lifetimes. But it's not an issue I have to deal with in this current lifetime, internally or, fortunately (or not), externally.

Internally it's not an issue because it doesn't matter to me whether I have it or not. If I didn't, I know I could go to a monastery and be perfectly happy. I don't crave money and making money isn't the most important goal in life for me.

This should invoke a *supreme appreciation* for my parents in me, because that's the way they are. Their suffering (in a Buddhistic interpretation), caused by their insatiable greed and need to make more and more money, has been my windfall.

I don't need their money, if they didn't have it, I would enter a monastery, maybe even be better for it, but because they have it, I have more options. Supreme appreciation, hear? But as I keep hinting, the options are a challenge/curse in themselves.

*pat myself on the back for not even mentioning suicide*

So I should get the camera, right? I shouldn't cling to what little money I have left. My monastic ideal also has an ideal of poverty or humbleness imbued into it. The spending isn't for opulence, it isn't a show a wealth, it's a drive towards poverty!

Mind you, I have no financial or health insurance. If some huge piece of shit fell on me that really put me off financially or medically (like maybe a huge piece of shit falling on me), my relationship with my family is not good enough that I could accept their money through that sort of ordeal, despite their begrudged willingness. So I'm not saying I have it that great, either, it's just the way I look at it.

But another issue is this consumer impulse my practice is highly wary of – not to be a slave of material acquisition. Why do I really want this camera?

Is my desire for this camera more about desire gratification than mindfully deciding it's time to get a new camera? If it's not the camera, what will be next that I'm desiring? I can already think of a list of things that I will really want.

And after the camera, what's next? I think that I'll stop after I get this camera, but then something else is going to come up that I'll be going through this again. When and where does it stop? Why not here at this camera?

iTunes soundtrack:
1. Distant Early Warning (Rush)
2. I Can’t Quit You Baby (live) (Led Zeppelin)
3. Wallflower (Peter Gabriel)
4. Torokel Lady (The Bubble Gum Brothers)
5. I Know What I Like (In Your Wardrobe) (Genesis)
6. Clash City Rockers (The Clash)
7. Demolished (Unwound)
8. Thank You (Dreams Come True)
9. Gunshy (Liz Phair)
10. The Spell You’re Under (Versus)

I think it is because of karma that money is not an issue for me in this lifetime. I think I've dealt with money as a life issue before in previous lifetimes, or will in future lifetimes. Whichever it is doesn't matter. In this life, I should be aware of it and always come back to gratitude for it, but it's just not an issue. I should appreciate it, but I shouldn't feel guilty about it or if I'm acting like I'm taking it for granted.

I play with the concept that we enter this life either having chosen the issues we want to deal with and try to overcome, or that our issues are brought upon us by our own past actions and habituations – our karma. The issues could be financial, psychological, spiritual, health-related, etc., etc., but once we're on the stage, we forget that we chose these issues to deal with and we're just swept along in the reality show of the lives we're born into.

Our spiritual memory of the ultimate reality is swept away when we're conceived or born, and replaced with a blank slate to be written upon by relative reality.

Personally, I think I've dealt with financial issues in past lifetimes because of the realization of a monastic ideal in this lifetime, i.e., ideal of poverty, even though monasticism is no longer my goal. I'm not worried about getting back to a monastery in this lifetime, but I do hope to attain some sort of hermit status, whether it be homelessness or merely humble, I don't know yet. Some sort of realization of "poverty" at some point. ("Hmmm", I think, working through issues.)

Even as my savings in unemployment are dwindling, I'm not concerned about money. If it became a dire circumstantial issue, completely out of my hands, it would be a no-brainer for me to enter a monastery. It is a luxury that I have that I am aware of that option and have the ability and aptitude to pursue it.

But as it is, I'm not concerned about it because I was born into a family that is a financial safety net. Monasticism is a trump card, but I've been dealt a good hand.

Still, there are issues.

Even looking at monasticism as a "trump card", a last resort, is symptomatic of the issue. Having the family financial safety net can be interpreted to allow for not entering a monastery and continuing my spiritual/existential pursuit on the outside. But on the outside, there is always money, whether or not it's an "issue", it's still there. Calling monasticism my trump card is still working in that paradigm, since I'm saying financials could be a key to whether I enter monastery or not.

These thoughts are so useless.

Tunnel vision. It's February 2006 and I'm afraid I'm losing sight of what's important to me, what makes me me.

I'm still waiting to hear about studying in a language program in Taiwan. Everything is closed in Taiwan for the New Years holiday, so I won't know until next week. But going to Taiwan shouldn't be contingent upon getting into this program. I should go anyway and find a job teaching English if I don't get into the program. But I know that starting over's not what life's about.

Where's my practice? My practice of existence.

I wandered in a mall today, shopping for a new digi. Focusing on Sony Cybershots. The consumer instinct, the consumer impulse. I roamed the magazine rack in the bookstore and read the cover story about Alex Lifeson and his career as the guitarist for Rush. I came home pulled out my electric. But I know that starting over is not what life's about.

Thich Nhat Hanh is the cover story in the current issue of Shambhala Sun magazine. The interview was conducted during the 2005 fall tour at the monastery, after I had left. The photos were shot in Thay's hut in Clarity Hamlet. I recognized one of the monks in other photos and remembered his parting sentiment to me was to come back to complete my Jedi training.

No, that monastic system is not for me. Reading the interview, I am familiar with his teachings. Good teachings. But said over and over again, read over and over again, for me, would be attaching to a dogma. It's good dogma, very positive, and exactly what many people need to hear, but this life is my playground, and I want my learning on the outside, and wary of any dogma, benign as it may be.

I'll get back to a monastery. In my own time, but I'll get there. My time at that monastery, in that sort of community, was the last time I connected with people. Where I felt I was known, where it didn't take any effort. Since then, my social contacts have been empty; meaningless. They didn't have to be, but they were.

I'm dumbing it down, but there's a part of the "Tibetan Book of the Dead" where we "choose" where to be born next. In this theoretical belief system, it's not a conscious choice for most beings. Most beings are drawn blindly, to varying degrees, by the habits and attachments we've cultivated in our living lives and karma we've developed by our actions to what is most familiar on the most basic and primordial level.

If you want to know something about your past or future life, look at your present life. Your present life says something about your past life, it is where you came from. How you analyze and treat your present life will say something about your future life, and it is in your power to transform it if you notice something wrong with it.

Looking at my present life, I feel huge potential and great advancement on the path, along with heavy karmic obscurations bullying me around and distracting me from my goal. I look at the patterns, the people around me, my family, and it's just unbelievable. The desert landscape of meaningfulness of my life. I can work with this. I have to work with this. This is me that I have to work with.

I have to work with hungry ghost parents, zen capitalists and materialists. Catholic brother who went to Catholicism, not grown up in it. With his almost scientific background, squelched by our parents, he has no excuse for going there. But he did, and he is, I have to work with that. Accept it. The Roman Empire never died/It just became the Catholic Church - Mission of Burma.

I have to work with these paper-thin social relationships that have potential but don't go anywhere. I have to work with this drive towards these teachings, but not able to dedicate my life to them, barely even a few hours per day.

iTunes soundtrack:
1. Kwaimanumu Bukumaisi Kulegasi ("Betel Nuts" compilation) Taiwanese/polynesian aboriginal
2. To the Kill (Violent Femmes)
3. Neal and Jack and Me (King Crimson)
4. 12-Bar Original (The Beatles)
5. Anticipation (Blonde Redhead)
6. Let It Die (Feist)
7. Ballerina 12/24 (Steve Vai)
8. I Want You (She's So Heavy) (The Beatles)
9. Love You To (The Beatles)
10. Asylum (live)(Supertramp)

Cultivating awareness of the mind and the reality of existence. If we cultivate a living hell and live a tormented life, that is what is familiar in the death between states, and what we gravitate towards in being reborn. 

If our karma places us in a living hell, but we are able to cultivate a positive outlook because of circumstances, that can affect how the straits of the death between states are navigated, and lead us to be reborn in a not-so-tormented life. 

Do I really believe in this? Maybe. But there are many people who don't believe in this. However, if we can all agree that we are here, and that we are striving for something better, regardless of the specifics of what we believe in, then it doesn't hurt to cultivate positive thoughts, awareness of the mind, and the reality of existence. 

I guess that's not even true. Some people, because of what they believe in, feel compelled to cause suffering to other people, either by killing them or trying to convince them that what they believe in is wrong.