Poor me. I'm torn. I don't know whether to get a new digital camera or not. It's not like I can afford it. I don't have a job and my savings are dwindling. But when I say I can't afford it, it's not like I will run out of money for food or get kicked out of my living space.

I don't need to worry about money, but I do. The not needing to worry about money might be attributed to karma. Or stupidity. That I do worry I attribute to mindfulness practice, not taking my good fortune for granted, if I choose to see it as good fortune.

Money is not an issue for me in this lifetime for one reason or another. I think I've dealt with money as a life issue before in previous lifetimes, and I still might in future lifetimes. But it's not an issue I have to deal with in this current lifetime, internally or, fortunately (or not), externally.

Internally it's not an issue because it doesn't matter to me whether I have it or not. If I didn't, I know I could go to a monastery and be perfectly happy. I don't crave money and making money isn't the most important goal in life for me.

This should invoke a *supreme appreciation* for my parents in me, because that's the way they are. Their suffering (in a Buddhistic interpretation), caused by their insatiable greed and need to make more and more money, has been my windfall.

I don't need their money, if they didn't have it, I would enter a monastery, maybe even be better for it, but because they have it, I have more options. Supreme appreciation, hear? But as I keep hinting, the options are a challenge/curse in themselves.

*pat myself on the back for not even mentioning suicide*

So I should get the camera, right? I shouldn't cling to what little money I have left. My monastic ideal also has an ideal of poverty or humbleness imbued into it. The spending isn't for opulence, it isn't a show a wealth, it's a drive towards poverty!

Mind you, I have no financial or health insurance. If some huge piece of shit fell on me that really put me off financially or medically (like maybe a huge piece of shit falling on me), my relationship with my family is not good enough that I could accept their money through that sort of ordeal, despite their begrudged willingness. So I'm not saying I have it that great, either, it's just the way I look at it.

But another issue is this consumer impulse my practice is highly wary of – not to be a slave of material acquisition. Why do I really want this camera?

Is my desire for this camera more about desire gratification than mindfully deciding it's time to get a new camera? If it's not the camera, what will be next that I'm desiring? I can already think of a list of things that I will really want.

And after the camera, what's next? I think that I'll stop after I get this camera, but then something else is going to come up that I'll be going through this again. When and where does it stop? Why not here at this camera?

iTunes soundtrack:
1. Distant Early Warning (Rush)
2. I Can’t Quit You Baby (live) (Led Zeppelin)
3. Wallflower (Peter Gabriel)
4. Torokel Lady (The Bubble Gum Brothers)
5. I Know What I Like (In Your Wardrobe) (Genesis)
6. Clash City Rockers (The Clash)
7. Demolished (Unwound)
8. Thank You (Dreams Come True)
9. Gunshy (Liz Phair)
10. The Spell You’re Under (Versus)