I try to strengthen single-minded concentration. I’ve never been able to visualize the clear ball of light I read about somewhere and thought was nifty enough to try, so I work with what I can.

Instead, I try to concentrate single-mindedly on the space where the clear ball of light is supposed to be, right in front of my forehead, or in that general vicinity. It’s filled with all sorts of lights, different colors, different vibrancy, different sizes, different movement, different clarity. Occasionally I can get one to hold still and become the clear ball of light for a few moments, but then I lose it and let it go.

But the urgency is growing. There is nothing more important than putting my concentration there and holding it. Why? The universe depends on it. My universe. What in my distracted thoughts is more important than the universe?

The clear ball of light is compassion, it’s my outlook, it’s positivity, and if I can’t generate it, then that’s the end of the universe. Negativity wins, and then what’s the point? The negativity is desire, suffering, inability to be satisfied. Satisfied. Why am I not just satisfied at my point on the path?

Negativity. I tried taking an online course to get certified to teach English. Truth to tell, that course (Bridge-Linguatec) wasn’t very good. And what good would that have been anyway? I realized that as much as I dislike learning languages, I dislike being in a language learning environment, including teaching it. What if I got a student who was as miserable as me? Sucks.

Now I’m studying Mandarin at Shida University’s Mandarin Training Center, and truth to tell, it’s not a very good school. The teachers are hit-or-miss with a higher probability of getting a sucky one since there are so many. The entire admissions office, with the exception of Christopher, who happens to be a white American, needs to be fired or sent to multi-cultural sensitivity training.

And I still can’t learn this fucking language. Failure.

That’s negativity. That’s dissatisfaction. That’s the artificial reality created by it.

So if I’m able to generate that clear ball of light, and concentrate single-mindedly on it and work on this negativity and dissatisfaction, then I’ll be able to learn this language? Maybe not, but I’m sure stranger things have happened.