Confused reality, flux. Still working on the same old problem. Where's the progress? Where's the growth? It's not even funny anymore. No, it's still a little funny, just more pathetic.

I want to smack the people around me and ask them why the puzzle of existence doesn't bother them. What are you doing here? And their answer is supposed to give me mine. But they're just living their lives because they have it, because they're here, because they want, because they desire. That's not my answer.

Why should I even bother? They can't answer that. Not for them, not for me. Not like I'm seriously thinking of finding an answer in the people around me. Not like I'm seriously thinking of finding an answer.

Negativity is still a huge problem for me. I really need to compose that sixth mindfulness training for myself that deals with negativity. The idea was just a concept at the monastery, but in the material world it becomes real and gets out of hand and I need something more concrete to deal with it. And a new mindfulness training is concrete?

But I am understanding it more. I can't explain it, and when I try to explain it the description doesn't describe it accurately. It's not my negativity projecting out on the world around me. It's not perception like here's me projecting on the world out there, around me. It's non-dual, the negativity is my reality and my surroundings are not separate from me.

That makes dealing with it a lot more complicated, but not making it complicated to make it unsurmountable. Even though the better understanding makes it a lot more complicated, it's still a better understanding. When you're trying to get past a wall, it's better to be able to know where it is.

I'm not sure I can transform this negativity away when it's the fabric of my existence. Weird, as I write this, I feel like the answer is right in front of me, filtering through my keyboard. Anyway, I'm not saying I can't, as in "I cannot do this, it's hopeless". It's more of a I can't, it's reality. Every new word I write gives me more problems. As if words could express reality.

June 1, 11:14 a.m. - neighborhood park being renovated, shot from a classroom balcony at the Mandarin Training Center.

June 2, 1:22 p.m. - vacant lot. old structure reduced to rubble to build a new structure. there's probably a metaphor in all this.

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