I know I’ve had this thought before, that there isn’t a source to my stress and negativity. There isn’t a source that is a problem, there isn’t a source that needs to be eradicated that will solve "the problem".

The problem isn’t a source, the problem is the stress and negativity itself. As I move through this maze, the walls of which resemble city landscapes and building interiors, it is those walls that are also manifestations of the stress and negativity.

The stress and negativity exist because that’s my reality, it’s not because of this or that. I can blame it on all sorts of sources – studies, social anxiety, not getting laid, not doing what I want to, not knowing what I want to do, but if it’s not one thing, it will be another.

So what to do?

Maybe many people, I wouldn't know, just accept their circumstances without questioning its nature, even if the extent to which I do it is impractical and could be misguided in the inability of any of it to be proven scientifically.

But to me, if this thesis has validity, then simply accepting it means accepting the negativity and likely acting in accordance with it. When stressed, I will act stressed; when negative, I will spread negativity; when pressured, I will press back, perhaps creating (more) suffering for other people.

The other extreme is to proactively transform it. But it’s not in my karma yet to have the tools to transform it. I haven't cultivated it enough yet. Best case scenario is to go to a monastery to develop the karma to develop those tools for a future lifetime.

My stopgap measure for now is to try to just be constantly mindful of it, and try to not get sucked into it, even though I found in the last few weeks of last term, that is really difficult. I got sucked into it, despite being mindful of it. That sucked.

What a copout. Incomplete thought.