I think I've found my "Sadie" of Taiwan. More important than the discovery is the identification of a pattern that I'm calling "Sadies", whether it be real or imagined. Most likely imagined, or created by myself to be perpetuated.

So a Sadie is a person with whom I click, who I really like, and were it not for a pre-existing significant other, I might be "interested" in.

I was never really "interested" in the original Sadie because of my "red flag" system. Red flags indicate diminished interest in someone, and unlike other people who identify red flags and run right through them in pursuit of base attraction, no matter how unwise or destructive, I take my red flags seriously. Mostly because reciprocation has never been significant enough existent for me to ignore them, no matter how unwise or destructive.

Pre-existing significant others is as red as a red flag can get. They are simply not an option, not a consideration. I don't care what their relationship is like, if they're in a relationship, I won't meddle in it.

In addition to the red flag of the pre-existing significant other (S.O.), the original Sadie (O.S.) constantly laid her woes about her attraction to her bandmate on me, which if I were really interested in her would amount to insult to injury. The only distinguishing point about a Sadie is clicking and her being unavailable, but still clicking. And therefore creating "wondering".

Hyun Ae made things difficult by not making it clear to our circle of friends that there was a S.O. It was such that two of our group were betting on whether she did or did not. Previous to hearing about their bet, I had gotten into a line of discussion with her in which I unintentionally "forced" her to confess that, yes, there was a S.O. (maybe I should have been a lawyer).

So I knew the answer, but her concealment of this S.O. was so confounding that I didn't feel at liberty to settle their bet. If it didn't come out of her mouth to them, then I didn't know any better. In fact, I actually contributed an argument that she didn't have a S.O. based on her behavior, completely ignoring my actual knowledge that she did. I'm nutty like that.

But that's the backdrop to her. She has a S.O., but she behaves like she doesn't. Push and pull, if you know what I mean. And strangely, as she's been recently a little more explicit in referring to him as her "boyfriend" (as opposed to "friend"), to me at least, her pull has been a little more strong. Amongst our circle of friends, it's obvious we're closer to each other than with the others, and we have "rituals" more than "friends" should.

I do enjoy the pull. I enjoy the time we spend together, and her company has lasted beyond the point where I usually get antsy spending time with other people, which was characteristic of the original Sadie as well. I still get antsy and want to go off on my own, but it's not compelling enough to make it happen. Well, it does, but later; my tolerance level is much higher.

Bottom line, I'm comfortable with Sadies. I'm glad there is a S.O., and I wouldn't want it any other way. In any scenario that I can think of where something happens, it ends up with me realizing that it's better off that nothing happens. I'm fine being pulled with the pulls, and I'll provide the pushes myself if they're not forthcoming themselves.

As for the original Sadie, we lost touch while I was at Deer Park. We had one last conversation when she laid in me about what a bad friend I was. I was too busy applying the monastic practice of deep listening to respond, and thereby possibly maintaining contact. And in the end, her accusations didn't fit my reality enough for me to be able to respond anyway.

The bottom line of her tone was, "Why aren't you the way I want you to be?", and if that is accurate, then it enters my ears as "Why am I friends with you?". I'm sure not going to change drastically for someone else. And then there were inexplicable things like her accusing me of not being open to her, for example not telling her more about my scars, when I know we had discussions about my scars, and she knows more about them than anyone else. There was not much more to tell.

We didn't say that was our last contact. When we hung up, I didn't assume it was our last contact. But as the weeks wore on and there was no contact, it just became reality that there was no way for me to respond, and that there would be no more contact. No bad blood, I still regard her fondly and miss her even. A lot even. I'm just fine with no more contact.

Hyun Ae is a Sadie, but I hope I can make sure nothing happens with her that happened with Sadie. Man, that was just weird.

TUESDAY, JUNE 20, 10:10 a.m. - default shot

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