I know that there's no such thing as an easy suicide. Suicides by nature are emotionally messy for everyone involved. I should not be trying to whitewash mine or think I'm taking consideration to "make it easier" for anyone.

It doesn't matter when I do it. There is no opportune time that's going to make it easier for other people. It should not be a consideration for me. It doesn't matter who I leave high and dry, who was relying on my dependability.

I was suicidal, ergo not dependable.

I miss John Lennon. I miss Freddie Mercury. But whether we are assassinated or die of AIDS, we all have to go. I miss Suzy Gonzalez having never met her (counter what her mother believed, if Suzy had lived on, she very possibly could have been me today). I miss Amina, I miss Shiho, but nothing's going to bring them back into my life. I miss Amber, I miss Eva, but they are never going to be part of my life.

Nothing's gonna change my world. Once I get that, I need to move on.