I haven't been able to get on my bike, despite several rather nice, sunny days. I haven't been able to get myself to the gym, despite nothing stopping me. And today I turned down an opportunity to go with my uncle to the U.S. to visit my cousin Audrey.

(I'm asking a lot how did Robin Williams know it was time? And is it time for another attempt for me?)

A trip in which I wouldn't have to put any effort or thought in planning, just go along with my uncle. A trip to the U.S., where I haven't been in over three years. A trip to the U.S. where I didn't have to deal with my parents. A trip to the U.S., whose food I've only been able to dream about for over three years.

I hadn't seen or heard from Audrey since we met up in July during her two-month visit to Taiwan. We only met that one time. We had discussed the possibility of her father visiting her and my tagging along with him.

But it was radio silence until my uncle called yesterday telling me he was going to visit Audrey next week and whether I was going with him. I told him I needed to think about it, but would make a quick decision. I sent an email to Audrey last night to get a feel for things, and I decided if she responded before I shut down my computer, I would definitely go.

She did respond, and I said I'd tell her father I'd go when he called first thing the next morning. But when I woke up, I was totally conflicted about it. I kept going back and forth and the case for both were solid. He didn't call first thing, but several hours after I was up. I didn't know what I was going to say when I picked up the phone, but after I answered, it eventually came out of my mouth that I wasn't going. Depression wins?

I don't know if depression is at work here. I don't feel it, but the evidence is plain to see. If Audrey doesn't accept my not going and tells me to go, I'll call my uncle and see if a seat can still be booked for me.