mix CD: 2012

Truth to tell, this 2012 mix CD didn't have to be a double disc. I have a single disc version whereby I trimmed all the fat possible, getting it down to a single disc by brutally eliminating songs that I otherwise thought were worthy, just for the purpose of fitting the remaining songs on one CD.

The problem was that I didn't think it made for a better collection. Like there are double albums that people think would be better if they had been trimmed down to a single album. At this point I can't bring myself to think that about this collection.

Maybe 2012 is still too close in time and I'm still attached to a lot of tracks that I won't be in years' time. Maybe over time, I will not only think the single disc is better, but I'll be able to include western releases, meaning swapping out even more of these K-pop songs. But maybe there won't be "over time" either.

As it is, the entire collection is book-ended by two Japanese songs that couldn't be integrated into the otherwise all-K-pop set. Aside from those two, the only other non-Korean language song is by a K-pop group singing in Japanese. And that song ends disc 1.

2012 (part 1):
1. Much Ado About Nothing Tonight (Tokyo Jihen) Japan
2. Bing Bing (Crayon Pop)
3. Lipstick (Orange Caramel (After School))
4. To Be or Not To Be (aka Have or Have Not) (Dal Shabet)
5. Don't Forget Me (Girl's Day)
6. Every Night (EXID)
7. Dirty (Miryo (Brown Eyed Girls))
8. Alone (Sistar)
9. Cherry Blossom Endings (Busker Busker)
10. Talk That (Secret)
11. Blue (Big Bang)
12. The Evening Sky (Ailee)
13. Lost (Kara - Nicole solo)
14. Pork Soup (Clover) (unofficial upload) (audio only)
15. Russian Roulette (Spica)
16. Touch (miss A)
17. In Praise of the Grasshopper (Sunny Hill)
18. Twinkle (TaeTiSeo (SNSD))
19. Like This (Wonder Girls) (dance practice video)
20. 1, 2, 3, 4 (Lee Hi)
21. Lovey-Dovey (T-ara)
22. Paparazzi (SNSD) Japan

2012 (part 2):
1. I Love You (2NE1)
2. Cosmetic (Lizzy (After School) & Andup) (audio only)
3. Mermaid Princess (Mystic White: Bora (Sistar), Lizzy (After School), Gayoon (4minute), Sunhwa (Secret), Jiyoung (Kara))
4. Wonderful (Casker) (audio only)
5. I'll Be There (Spica)
6. I Am Hot (NS Yoon-G) (lyric video) (audio only)
7. Get Out (AoA)
8. This Guy (Dazzling Red: Hyuna (4minute), Nicole (Kara), Hyolin (Sistar), Hyosung (Secret), Nana (After School))
9. Hard to be Humble (LeeSsang)
10. Electric Shock (f(x))
11. Look At Me (Jewelry)
12. Bloom (Ga In (Brown Eyed Girls))
13. Ice Cream (Hyuna (4minute))
14. Loving U (Sistar)
15. illa illa (Juniel)
16. Goodbye to Romance (Sunny Hill)
17. Don't Let the Love End (Wrong) (Epik High)
18. I Know How to Play a Little (e.via)
19. Ticket (Nine Muses)
20. Probably So (Don't Look Back) (Park Ji Yoon)
21. I Don't Need a Man (miss A)
22. Aozora (Salyu) Japan

2011, 2010 mix CDs

mix CD: 2010, 2011

Way back when, I did this little ongoing vanity project of making mix CDs of every year I've been alive. The last mix CD I posted was 2009, believing there wouldn't be a 2010 since I wouldn't be around to make 2010. Obviously nothing prevented me from making 2010. Then 2011. Etc., etc. to 2014.

I've continued to make them and work on them, but I stopped posting them because they were getting to be quite a mess with constant updates of songs especially from the most recent decade as I would find new songs that had to be on that year's mix CD.

Aside from updating, even some older ones, I was trying to link songs to YouTube videos and that became a mess, too, with videos constantly being taken down and becoming dead links.

Anyway, as time passes, there is less updating as final forms of CDs become more satisfactory. Even if new songs come along, it's harder for them to be so compelling as to switch out a song already there.

Also I've cleared out all the YouTube links. They were such a bother. Instead I've put all the collections on a cloud so if there's the remotest chance that someone might want to hear the best music in my life, it's all there without the vagaries of . . . YouTube. (problem solved as videos have since been officially uploaded by the companies and not likely to be randomly taken down. -ed.)

2010 was the last year I even tried to include western music. My exposure to western music has so diminished and my tastes had become so different to accommodate anything new coming out of the west, it was inevitable.

2011 is the first all Asia mix CD. It's not that there haven't been western releases that are worthy. They just don't fit anymore, square peg in the round hole. But Asian music squeezing western music out of my scene is just the start. The Korean contagion continues.

2011:
1. Love is MOVE (Secret) Korea
2. I Won't Meet You (Kan Mi Yeon) Korea
3. Pinocchio (Danger) (f(x)) Korea
4. I Am the Best (2NE1) Korea
5. 心のスポーツ (Kokoro no Sports) (Perfume) Japan
6. Bubble Pop! (Hyuna (4minute)) Korea
7. Mr. Taxi (SNSD 少女時代) Japan
8. 忘記丟掉 (Tizzy Bac) Taiwan
9. Midnight Circus (Sunny Hill) Korea
10. Back It Up (Jewelry) Korea
11. Supa Dupa Diva (Dal Shabet) Korea
12. Good-Bye Baby (miss A) Korea
13. Les Adultes Terribles (Tokyo Jihen) Japan
14. Heart to Heart (4minute) Korea (unofficial upload)
15. Black & White (G.NA) Korea
16. Roly-Poly (T-ara) Korea
17. Be My Baby (Wonder Girls) Korea
18. You and I (IU) Korea
19. Ma Boy (Sistar19) Korea
20. Rachel (Chara) Japan
21. Sixth Sense (Brown Eyed Girls) Korea
22. Everyday (Gavy NJ) Korea (unofficial upload)

2010:
1. Breathe (miss A) Korea
2. Hoot (SNSD) Korea
3. Umbrella (Kara) Korea (unofficial upload)
4. Under the Luminaries (Shannon Wright) (audio only)
5. As Much As Ten Thousand (Casker) Korea
6. Good Day (IU) Korea
7. 電波通信 Radio Communications (Tokyo Jihen) Japan
8. Invincible Hero (Versus) (audio only)
9. Eeny Meeny Miny Mo (Lee Jung Hyun) Korea (audio only)
10. Magic (Secret) Korea
11. Strangers (Crooked Fingers)
12. Goodbye Happiness (Utada Hikaru) Japan
13. A-ing (Orange Caramel (After School)) Korea
14. NU ABO (f(x)) Korea
15. Why Are You Being Like This? (T-ara) Korea
16. Can't Nobody (2NE1) Korea
17. イナヅマ (Inazuma) (Salyu) Japan
18. Sprawl II (Mountains Beyond Mountains) (Arcade Fire)
19. 夜空のムコウ (Beyond the Night Sky) (Nokko) Japan
20. Radio Star (Narsha (Brown Eyed Girls)) Korea (lyric video) (audio only)

2009

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The last time I returned to Taiwan from the States I caught a bug. Same this time. Pattern? It started in New Jersey. Temperatures plunged my last night there and I developed a cough. After getting back to Taiwan, it developed into a sore throat and then morphed into other symptoms of unwellness and feeling weak that have persisted. I've been slowly getting better, but no physical activity. 

Not helping in that department is my right Achilles giving me lots of trouble. I was jogging in New Jersey almost every day, but instead of getting stronger by going slower, it got weaker. I couldn't go jogging for my last week there, and then literally while I was leaving for the airport I felt a major pull. I was limping so badly at the airport that at immigration I was directed to the handicap lane (thank you to the airport worker for that, btw). Then not two weeks later, without having fully recovered, while getting on a bus it pulled again in an equally major way.

So feeling injured physically and sick medically, mortality has been front and center a little more so than usual. I mean mortality is a regular part of meditation, but it feels a little more real when things aren't going so well.

On top of that, I've been wondering for a while why I have such a huge gut when I really don't eat that much and exercise fairly regularly (except when I don't). I've always attributed it to alcohol consumption, but haven't pinpointed anything until I finally found something online called cirrhotic ascites. Cirrhosis is, of course, the liver disease most associated with alcoholism. Ascites is fluid accumulation in the abdomen associated with cirrhosis and can cause "abdominal fullness, early satiety" and "abdominal pain". That last one's a little vague but if it covers digestive issues, I have those.

This is web surfing, not a medical diagnosis. I can't know for sure if this is anything without going in for a check-up, which I won't. Still, it's a little bit of affirmation for all these years of heavy drinking. There are people who drink like I do and live to ripe old ages. I just hope I'm not one of them.

Needless to say, mortality isn't a big deal for me. Leaving this body is something I'm gladly willing to do. If I recognize that I'm dying, I expect my thoughts to be of good-bye blessings to the world. Not "good riddance", since under my own beliefs and theories I don't know if I can escape the cycle of death and rebirth and may easily be here again, hopefully with a more productive bent.

Englewood Cliffs, NJ

Just a few days left before I fly back to Taiwan. I'm not sure how I feel about anything. Just a general recognition of a certain inevitability about my life. I've been here for just about a month and I don't have any assessment regarding my time here.

Just to remind myself, I sabotaged my life. Life isn't something I want to do, even as I continue living on beyond my expiration date.

I've been appreciating the hot weather. Although my room at my parents' house gets too hot in the afternoon. It's the hottest room in this house in the summer (coldest in winter). Summer evenings and nights in New Jersey sometimes cool down quite pleasantly, as I noted when I got here.

I've also been appreciating the sunsets. I don't know if anyone else knows about the sunsets from this room with its southwestern exposure and height. As far as I know, I'm the only person who has inhabited this room long enough to realize the spectacular sunsets that, I think, no other room in this house gets.

So to sum up this trip? I haven't done much of anything. I haven't gone into New York once. I've been of no help to my brother and sister-in-law with their four kids. Her mother has been in the hospital with heart problems so she's been preoccupied, and I've still been of no assistance.

It's no excuse, but those kids are way beyond my control. I haven't been able to step up and open my heart to them and be more giving, matching my energy to theirs. I've seen relatives on her side of the family do it. They know how to be with them. The kids are still wild and completely unfiltered, but they engage, whereas I withdraw.

That's actually a fair delineation between their family and ours. They engage, we withdraw. I go the further step and withdraw from the withdrawers. Mind you, withdrawing is lame. I don't advise it.

I've started going on jogs after coming back from the cruise. This is the first time hitting the road since I joined the gym last May. Since then it's been all treadmill. I hit the gym several times on the cruise and I didn't want to go idle until returning to Taiwan.

Mind you, road work is a lot harder than using a treadmill, especially as you get older. You really feel the weight of hauling your carcass around. And mind you, it's not running I'm doing, it's jogging. I've accepted that I have to slow down as much as it takes to not inflame my Achilles again.

And slow down I have! When I was younger, I told myself if I ever was doing 10 minute miles, I'd just quit. That's just not worth it. Now, I figured I'd need to slow down to 10 minute miles. Nope, sloooweeer. So I've been plodding about doing sub-10 minute miles and still my Achilles couldn't take it. I'm on a third day of rest and it still hurts to put weight on it.

My parents are retired and they only have one car, and those facts have shaped much about my being here. It means they're home all the time and I only have use of a car after I've checked that they don't need it.

It means that I can only make noise by way of drumming, bassing or guitaring when they take leave of the house, which is no longer on a regular basis. It's not a big deal since I no longer consider making noise a part of my identity.

Still, whenever they went out, I sat myself at the drums and was surprised to find that I don't think I've lost any of what little chops I had. In fact it felt downright comfortable. I figure that if I were to get together with other people to play, I'd be able to hold my own. Although not necessarily for long, as stamina I'm sure is down with age.

Englewood Cliffs, NJ

I spent the last week on a cruise with the whole family, including parents, both brothers and their families. Thirteen people total; 7 adults, 6 children. I only agreed to this when I was having pangs of gratitude towards the parents for their involuntary contribution towards my following the path.

Between then and actually coming on this trip, the situation changed whereby I likely would not have agreed to come on this trip. But on the other hand, it still worked well for me as I mentioned Taipei was getting toxic and stifling. I'm enjoying being away.

And the change in situation may work for me as well, as whatever life I was living likely couldn't be sustained much longer. Things can't go wrong when things "going wrong" is the plan. Things looking like they're going wrong for me is actually things going right from my perspective and how I've set up my life.

Anyway, I came on this trip with the conviction that I wouldn't have a bad attitude towards anything consciously if I could help it. A lot of letting go involved. And not.

The cruise was to Bermuda, and it was enjoyable enough, but there's not much to say about it. It was pretty useless in the grand scheme of things. The days at sea were pleasant, there was non-stop food and maximum stuffitude, and with 4,000 people on board it was surprisingly easy to ignore the crowds.

I guess I can't emphasize enough how totally not invested in this trip I was. I was just tagging along. I had no part of the planning. Just show up and do as directed; take initiative and help out if opportunity arose. I made no special preparation for the trip – not even proper cruise footwear or sunblock – nor looked into what there was to do in Bermuda. Nothing about this trip was about me. I didn't do anything I might have done if it were my own trip.

I was predictably the odd one out, the free agent. My parents are their own unit and they did their own thing. We met for meals. My brothers' families were each their own unit and they made decisions according to their own priorities (the kids). I was free to tag along or go my own way.

For them it was creating memories. No doubt for the kids the memories will be significant as any childhood memories are. I suppose it's the same with my brothers and their spouses, but as adult family memories. Parents are spending their retirement the only way they can think of.

For me, after getting back home, the whole trip seemed unreal. It happened, but didn't leave any impression and may as well not have happened. Back to what I'd be doing anyway and not a single meaningful recollection or memory.

August 21, 9:54 a.m. - docked in Bermuda

10:26 a.m. - out for a walk on my own the morning before departure

3:04 p.m. - on our way, heading back to New York

August 22, 9:57 a.m.

4:25 p.m.

4:27 p.m.

The only thing worth mentioning on a personal basis is that I had another insomnia meltdown at one dinner, and my brother, sitting next to me, intentionally ignored it. He wouldn't even manage a "You OK?". Two words.

If it were a stranger, he would have assisted. When you notice someone under distress, you see if they need help, especially if you're a doctor. It's a no-brainer. And he couldn't have not noticed. As much as I was trying not to draw attention to myself and keeping it contained and zombie-ing my way through dinner, it doesn't take an empath to notice the person next to you at dinner having trouble.

Even if he didn't look over and notice what a hard time I was having physically, the silence was deafening as no conversation was directed at me and I wasn't making any effort to engage anyone or even make small talk. Plus I had to excuse myself from the table several times to keep from melting down, and not once did he acknowledge when I returned. Easiest thing in the world just to ask, "You alright?"

That level of disengagement, ostracizing even, in that situation meant he was putting an effort into ignoring whatever was going on with me. In a word, he didn't care. I didn't expect free medical advice. If he asked, I would've told him I know what it is, it has happened before and I can deal with it.

If he didn't press beyond that, that would've been totally acceptable. He doesn't need to know about insomnia. And if I tell him I can deal with it, he's off the hook to let me deal with it. But he didn't know what was wrong and he ignored it.

After that I disengaged from him and his family. It wasn't like I was "punishing" him. I just didn't want to look at him and I had no expectation that he would even notice. On the cruise with his family, if nothing happened and I acted the same way towards him, he wouldn't have noticed anything.

If he did notice something, then he would be acknowledging that I was reacting to him at dinner and that he did do something wrong.

But apparently he did notice and two days later while we were all at a beach, he had gone off to get food with his wife and when he returned he interrupted my music listening to offer me a burger. I declined and he emphasized that he got it for me.

The sibling read was clear and in a second it was over. It was clear what he was doing and so I thanked him for it and asked for the ketchup and relish. Any other reaction would have been petty and would have meant that I was trying to "punish" him, which is just silly.

After that, things went back to normal. More or less, that is. He did what our parents always did after conflict situations: they pretended it never happened and acted like everything was normal. There was never any acknowledgement or accountability regarding the conflict.

That behavior from the parents has always been infuriating and never forgotten. With my brother, I know where he got it from and so I won't react the same way. But suffice it to say I'll decline any invitations to visit him in Philly. Not that I'm expecting any.

Englewood Cliffs, NJ

I couldn't wait to get out of Taipei. I don't know if Taipei has gotten toxic for me, but I was anxious and stressed and just didn't feel well, and things hadn't been that much better in the weeks leading up to leaving this past Tuesday. It's possible that alcoholism is coming to a head. I could feel my body reacting differently to alcohol. Maybe more intolerant, maybe something else.

True to script, it started pouring rain right when I was planning to leave for the airport, but actually everything turned out fine. I caught a cab quick when someone was dropped off right where I was waiting for one, and then I was just able catch the airport bus. Smooth, but not necessary as I had plenty of time.

The flight was hellish getting a feeling several times that I "wasn't going to make it". Not sure what that meant. Pressure in my gut typical of gut problems that have become regular in Taiwan. Then it would ease off and I'd think I'd be fine if it stayed that way.

Overall the whole travel had its hitches but I finally got to where I needed to, albeit an hour and a half late. But an hour and a half late on travels that felt too long from the start.

The gut issues continued for maybe the next day and a half and then completely abated. The weather here is just God's country compared to the blast furnace heat of Taiwan. I was so sick of looking at daytime temps in Taiwan reading: temperature 93 degrees; feels like 103. Here it's: temperature 83.6; feels like 84. The first night I was lying in bed with the windows open, listening to the crickets, a light breeze caressing me, I felt like I was in the countryside.

I didn't sleep at all on the 14 hour flight. The times when I was so exhausted that I lapsed into sleep lasted only seconds and would increase my body temperature uncomfortably to the point that I would avoid even the respite those lapses kinda held.

Sleep continued to elude me for several days. Just quick lapses for very short periods before I'd wake up, and they quickly started becoming accompanied by vivid and stressful if not violent dreams that were increasingly full of foreboding and dread. I started being jarred awake or wrest myself out of them.

Periods of sleep increased slowly and the dreams started taking on apocalyptic qualities; serious end of the world, but as a cosmic math equation! Mind you other than these concepts, I remember absolutely zero details. The lack of recall was almost immediate upon waking. There may have been a fraction of a second of recall, but then even that dissolved even if I tried to hold onto them.

I'm still having some issue with body temperatures. As sleep times increased to over an hour, I'd be waking in cold sweats or I'd pull a blanket on and boil or throw them off and start freezing. Early on I'd wake up shaking (not shivering) for a while, but I think that had more to do with the near complete sleep deprivation at the time.

After realizing how much worse I was feeling before and after alcohol while I was still in Taipei, I have been cutting back while here. I toyed with the idea of going cold turkey, but that's not really realistic. The plan is to dole out shots and not drink freely. I don't expect that to hold all the time, though.

I've written about this before. Several years ago my parents liquidated certain assets here and placed a bunch of money in my bank account. When the transaction was mentioned to me, I discerned it was "none of my business" – their money is their money, nothing to do with me – and paid no attention until a surprisingly large amount of money appeared in my bank account.

One day I went to withdraw money and glanced at the remaining balance, immediately saw something wrong and my first thought was that money had disappeared.

Containing a minor panic thinking that I might have been hacked, I walked away from the ATM and then looked at the balance again and realized I was looking at the wrong part of the balance.

The left side of the balance showed a single digit in front of a comma where there should have been more. What I didn't see right away was the right side of the balance and all the extra digits there. Money had, in fact, appeared. A lot of money.

Before that infusion, what I had left in my account would have long since run out. I would have long had to have made some decision about my life when my account ran out. The amount that was placed in my account, given my modest lifestyle, would have lasted me long after my parents' lives would be over.

But they put it in my personal account, which I interpreted as being mine to use. I don't know why they put it my account, they have their own account. I suspect it was because they could put it there and avoid . . . notice. By people who would have noticed if they put it in their own account and demanded a cut. Legally.

God damn it, if you haven't figured it out, I'm talking about the government.

I gather my aunt was in charge of the actual transaction. I don't know how she had access to my account information, but it's possible, and I trust and love her. I've also heard through the years that my parents wanted my aunt to spirit the money back, but my aunt refused and told them to ask me for it directly.

I've speculated that it goes against some code by my parents to take money from me. The only tenable redeeming aspect of any claim to passable parenting is that money flows from them to us, and not the other way around. Once the money was in my account, it looked liked mine, I treated it like it was mine and I've been able to live for years because of it.

It took them a while, but they finally straight out asked for it to buy some useless piece of property in Kaohsiung for purely sentimental reasons which they tried to entreat me to understand (I couldn't care less), and, of course, as far as I'm concerned it's their money. I authorized my aunt to do what she refused to do before.

I don't know how long what's left in my account will last. Not much more than a couple years, if even that much.

The relevance of all this?  Well, they've given me several years where I didn't have to make an ultimate decision on entering a monastery or dying. So I'll give them credit for that, although recently, this year, even that has become a mixed blessing.

I must admit that despite continuing mindfulness practice and quasi-urban-hermit-existence I've been becoming restless. I started having doubts about how long I could maintain doing nothing and being useless.

So this might all be perfect for me in the larger scheme of things regarding my path. The cash windfall was allowing me to be lazy and complacent, when really I need to challenge my attachment to life.

It also squares with the nature of our total relationship and what I hope can ultimately be a complete break in karma between us. Whatever karma brought us together is over. There is no mutual impression between us that will bring us together, contentious or amicable.

I don't know what brought us together in this life. I've entertained the idea that it was a complete accident, but it may have been something contentious. Whatever it was, it must have been some feeling, and any feeling is now gone. We tried, failed, you go your way, I'll go mine.

(Speculation on karma is pretty useless as it can go on and on with endless possibilities. There may be any level of karmic connection between me and my parents from none (accidental) to a lot (teacher-student), but the controlling karma might have nothing to do with them and actually be between me and my cousin or brothers.)

Ironically, I'm going to visit New Jersey for a month starting this coming Tuesday. The visit includes going on a cruise for a week with the whole brood; all siblings, in-laws and grandkids. The only reason why I agreed to this was in response and appreciation to the credit they should get for supporting my efforts, irregardless of their intention.

I think that still stands. They do get the credit for the few years they gave me where I just focused on practice. But the withdrawal of long-term support brings things back to reality.

Embracing and understanding death is supposed to be my mission and should be the most important thing to me. And their habit of wheeling and dealing with money is their karmic reality. I do what I do, and that's what they do.

When I say I'm not interested in relationships or intimacy anymore, it's more that I'm no longer interested in that sort of human attachment anymore; the banal desire, the wanting, the pursuit.

But when I say I reject relationships and intimacy, it would be mistaken to infer any undercurrent of prudish or moral rejection of human sexuality. There's a spiritual aspect of human sexuality that I think is worth exploring.

It's hard to discuss because it's such a fine line and slippery slope between the crass, carnal lasciviousness of the sex act and exploration of the divine nature of male-female union. There's a distinction between strictly animal sex – carnal drive, lust; which evolutionarily speaking likely has something to do with reproduction and propagation of the species – and the exploration of human energies, the most potent possibly being sexual energy.

To paraphrase Aerosmith's Steven Tyler in his memoir, he suggests you can have two people having sex and if they concentrate their minds and energy enough, they can hypothetically cure someone's cancer. It's an unscientific statement of potential, but I don't disagree with the basic principle.

And what Tyler is talking about likely involves a certain amount of "training" by both parties as well. This training being most thoroughly investigated in the human realm through Tantra, of which I'm no expert so I'll leave it at that.

The only thing I want to say is that sex is important to spirituality. It isn't to be shunned by spiritual seekers, but investigated.

Not to entirely remove pleasure from my observation, is there anything in the world aside from sex whereby when one person does something to please oneself, it brings pleasure to the other, or when doing something to please another brings pleasure to oneself? And this act, by design, is what creates human life. I dunno, but there seems to be something possibly inherently spiritual in that equation.

Of course, humans can have sex selfishly concentrating only on their own pleasure, but therein may be what distinguishes animal sex and the potential of understanding the spiritual aspects of human sexuality. Animals fuck. They go into heat, lust and satisfy their urges. Some humans do that, too, but other humans do more.

Sexual union is perhaps the analog of the bliss of enlightenment to which Buddhists and Hindus refer. As separate individuals, we feel this separation is normal and that sexual union is something special and different and wonderful. But maybe that's because we've gotten used to the separation as normal.

But really the bliss of union is what's normal – being complete, fulfilled, without desire – and our state of individual separation is a state that is lacking.

And I'm heterosexual, so the male-female union is what makes the most sense to me, but that doesn't preclude homosexuality in this equation. It doesn't matter that it removes the connection with the procreation of human life (it should be recreation, but that's kind of another word totally. Or not). It's the energy created that matters.

And personally, the Buddhist framework of reincarnation reasonably accounts for and accepts homosexuality just fine. The only thing that continues from lifetime to lifetime is karmic matter, and part of that karmic matter for many includes what we call sexual preferences; what gender we're attracted to.

Genes determine sex, not what gender we're attracted to. In the reincarnation process, I think karma does have something to do with what we become in the next life, which is based on familiarity and habit (species tend to be reborn as the same species as a matter of familiarity until some other karma changes it), and so there may be strong inclinations for previous men to be reborn men and women, women, but with genetics, there's an uncertainty involved. Karmically imprinted males and can be born females and vice versa and to whom they're attracted to is karmically the same.

Karmic intolerance, hatred and judgment of people who are different and other is a whole different matter.

A couple days ago I was in the public library and I saw a woman who I found stunningly attractive. She was three tables away from me and I kept on looking up to astonish myself at her beauty. Perfect hair, round face, perfect skin.

Mind you, I'm done with relationships. I'm done with "being attracted to" people. I'm done with intimacy. These things, as a matter of practice, do not cross my mind. I have no problem in seeing someone of the opposite sex and objectively observing, even appreciating, their aesthetic qualities, but such an assessment in no way ever gives rise to desire.

But seeing this woman in the library, it was different. I was bewitched. I imagined that given the proper sets of circumstances, I could find myself drawn into entering a relationship with her. If we had a common language, if we were in a social setting to get to know each other, if we had commonality to be interested in each other . . . I just might be tempted.

Or not, in reality. I resisted Hyun Ae and there's no reason to believe I couldn't resist any other temptation. The calculus involving considering where this would all lead to, and the conclusion being, from a practice point of view, no where I'd want.

But I couldn't stop looking at this woman. I was having trouble establishing an upper limit of her age. She could have been young enough to still be in her 20s, but I finally decided that it was possible for her to be as old as 37. Within my range.

But as time went by at the library, something changed. I don't know if it was a trick of the light, but as I kept looking up to catch glances at her, she changed. She didn't change before my eyes, just between furtive glances.

She wasn't beautiful at all. She was no where in her 30s, but late 40s at best, even 50s. Her hair was dry and middle aged, and her face wasn't round but oval. At first I wondered if the original woman had left and this was someone completely different, but no, her clothes were the same as well as the pen she was using.

After that, I continued to steal furtive glances to acknowledge a complete misperception.

I'm not reading anything totally strange in this incident. My pragmatic, scientific side sees it as psychological misperception. Mind fooling me. It wasn't something magical or mystical whereby the appearance of something changes before my eyes (or between furtive glances).

Still, there's a side of me that doesn't totally side with science. Science does science very well; science is great with science, but I also don't believe science explains or can explain all various phenomena in the human experience.

Subjectively, I remember seeing a woman who was ravishingly attractive at one point, and then ordinarily old a little later on. I'll accept an objective conclusion of delusional perception. I would never testify my experience as evidence of anything. Still, I recall what I saw, and I have to acknowledge to myself that strange shit happens even just to teach us something and that makes it no less real.

I managed to consciously push myself into a conscious dream state 2 or 3 times this morning. I've been trying since my last post, and it isn't easy. I'm still not sure what conditions are amenable to succeeding.

It reminds me of Star Trek-like scenarios where they're dealing with fabric of space challenges like trying to keep wormholes stable or negotiating different dimensional realities. But it's "psychic" space in this case. Difficult to induce, difficult to maintain.

As difficult as it is to induce these dream states, I'm not surprised that when I first managed it this morning, I was lying in a bed since that was what I was actually doing. When the dream coalesced, the color of the room was a cold light blue and bare. I could look down towards the foot of the bed and see the entrance of the bedroom and see that it led into a hall of a colonial-type architecture house. And that's all it was for a few seconds, just a framework dream image.

Then in what could have been a horror film image, a ghostly image floated into the room and came towards me lying in bed. When it reached me, it turned around and turns out it was a woman. She resembled a past girlfriend, Shiho, but her personality was too flighty to be her.

It was apparent we were intimate. I remember telling her that this was a dream and I was conscious of it, but she didn't respond to that. I don't remember how it ended, but it probably fell apart as I couldn't maintain it in my consciousness.

I'm remembering the second and third dreams as one dream, even though I remember a total of three instances of pushing myself into these dream states. There are both differences in the former and latter parts of the dream, but also a continuity, so I'm not really sure. No surprise, we're talking about dreams.

It was set in a corner apartment on the second or third floor of a building with an outside view, afternoon-ish, orange-y light, and also a mysterious woman with whom I had an ambiguous relationship. It seemed like our interactions indicated some level of intimacy and at one point I coyly asked her what her name was, which she coyly avoided answering.

That's interesting because I was consciously asking what her name was to try to get more information about the dream, but her avoidance is also a reflection of my subconscious. What about my subconscious, I don't know. Maybe it just didn't know who she was. That . . . makes sense.

In another part of the dream, I saw a post-it that included my name on it. I forget if there was any qualifier regarding it, like indicating an appointment, but I remember the awareness in the context of the dream that the people in the dream knew who I was. Or not.

Also as an indicator of my level of consciousness, at some point, one of the people in the dream suggested going to a certain place, naming it by name. It could've been a bar, an eatery or a record store. So I asked, "You mean so-and-so place in . . ." trying to prompt them to give an indication of where the dream was taking place. They didn't take the bait.

A difference between these forced consciousness dreams and ordinary sleep dreams is that I can remember them more clearly afterwards, whereas sleep dreams start fading within minutes and can completely disappear in hours. Still, as I try to recall them now, it's apparent I should still rely on recording them orally because they do fade.

As I mentioned, I still don't know what conditions are amenable to inducing these forced dream states. Insomnia or some sort of sleep disturbance seems to play a part. Otherwise I'd simply fall asleep.

There's some sort of balance involved between not being able to fall asleep, and navigating a liminal state where I know I haven't gotten a full night's rest, and I'm still trying to get more sleep.

I might just have found a way to take advantage of insomnia to help progress my training into the nature of mind. Insomnia may no longer be a source of frustration and suffering and become an opportunity to appreciate.

I've had two experiences during insomnia whereby I was able to force myself into a dream state while essentially still being aware that I was still awake.

The first time was a few months ago and I wasn't posting anything so I didn't write about it, but I remember it. It was a bout of insomnia and eventually I turned on the TV to something mindless, maybe LPGA or some other sport or CNN.

During the mindless listlessness, I would start drifting into light sleep and start having dreams, fading in and out. At one point I faded in during a dream that had been interesting and I didn't want to leave it. So I wondered if I could force myself to sink back into the dream. I tried it and it worked!

I was able to force myself into a dream state that certainly was no where near REM sleep. The dreams were vivid and chaotic, too chaotic to relate afterwards, but with many elements memorable for a while.

This morning was back-end insomnia. I woke up after a few hours of sleep and couldn't get back to sleep. After a couple hours of ritual music listening, and an uncomfortably high body temperature that may have been the source of the insomnia, I tried to see if I could force myself into a dream state instead of trying to sleep. It worked!

That's weird, right? But that's what's important. The dream state definitely wasn't sleep. I was awake, but dreaming. When I was trying this out while the music was still on, I was fully aware of each song that was playing. I was fully aware of the position I was lying in, which was dictated by discomfort from high body temperature. But I was dreaming.

It wasn't lucid dreaming, whereby being in a total dream state, and being consciously aware of it and having some degree of control where to go in the dream. I was actually awake with an active consciousness, and in the dreams I wasn't aware that it was a dream, I'd still be just going through the dream as I went through it, without the thought, "This is a dream and I'm aware of it". I had no control over it.

That's super weird even as I write it.

Actually, at one point there was a lucid dreaming-like incident where I remember wondering if I could create a situation and was briefly able to do so. But what that was is a secret at this point. Saying it's a secret possibly gives away what it was, but I'm still not sure how to breach the topic.

Another important aspect that is different from the first time is that back then it sort of happened organically. This time I was trying to force myself into a dream state and it was difficult to maintain it. All during it I was aware and worried that I'd lose it and come out of it. Sometimes I'd come right to the edge of coming out of it.

And one thing I clearly remember: the me in the dream state was like a "dream body" and distinct from my physical life consciousness, but there is a nexus between them where one becomes another. I remember there was one point that I was just getting into the dream body, but failed and coming back to consciousness was actually a shock, it kinda hurt.

I'm a little bowled over about what to make of this. Important to note that right now I'm in full conscious awareness and I know I can't go over and lie down on the bed and make it happen. It's that twilight, intermediate zone of mind between wake and sleep that is particular for insomniacs where these ideas can be revealed and explored.

If the true Buddhist path is anything, it's exploration of the nature of mind.

The past few months . . .

I guess I could've just continued posting like I had been posting; cycling, gym, insomnia. I guess it probably was getting boring, and nothing about posting now suggests anything less boring. Just marking time, I guess.

It was a super mild and dry winter in Taipei. All my preparation and bracing to get through another cold and wet Taipei winter turned out to be overkill; useful for only a handful of days at a time.

I should have been riding through good days in January and February, but just didn't get around to it. Finally getting on my bike in March, I've been struggling to accumulate distance, despite having getting back to the gym regularly since January.

The older you get, the harder it is. Treadmill running at the gym has continued to improve and I've been surprising myself at meeting my goals in incrementally increasing speed and distance. That said, treadmill running and road running are two totally different animals.

At my age, even one mile on the road is as hard as three or four miles on the treadmill. It's one thing for my legs to propel my 145-150 pound carcass over land at a certain speed and another to move my legs while the treadmill beneath me moves at that same speed. The latter being much easier.

To date, treadmill goals I've hit have been to run 45 minutes at no hard pace without injury, complete 5 miles in 40 minutes (8 minute miles), and 4 miles in 30 minutes (7:30 miles). A goal I still want to hit is 6 miles at an 8 minute per mile pace.

Once I hit that goal, I want to venture more towards extending distance road running without injury. I haven't ventured more than one mile on land at a track. And I have been incorporating Pose concepts as I've been able, but I'm still not convinced I'll be able to fully become a Pose runner.

Sleep has been the same as it ever was. Cycles of competent sleep with cycles of insomnia that I take in stride since I don't have to do anything otherwise. If you can't sleep but still have to do something, that sucks. I don't have anything to do, so when I can't sleep, it's actually not a big deal.

Socially, I've only met up with my former Chinese teacher a few times.

ptd. 3/24/19 -ed.

All told, my last visit to the U.S. this past November was a disaster. My parents' assumption that we can do "family" things disgusted me so much that I was unfortunately unable to cut anyone any slack. They never cultivated family bonds or communication. Now that they're retired and have time for it doesn't mean they get it automatically now that it's convenient.

My brothers are more apologetic, and I do understand that. However bad our parents were as parents (we all agree that aspects of their parenting would nowadays qualify as abuse), they owe everything they have now (career, families) to them. Parents provided funds for education and weddings and are always present as safety nets, not that they really need it since they're both doctors. Whether they would have become doctors on their own volition is a separate discussion.

I've kept resentment much closer to home as nothing they've "provided" has been much of any benefit to me. Quite the opposite, such as my law school education they provided, which should be considered more of a disaster than anything else. Law school changes the way you think, as well as they way you look at and process the world. However I was before law school, I came to hate the way I thought and looked at and processed the world after law school.

I don't even owe them my life or existence since they're likely the direct source in this life of my leaning towards suicide. Of course, the final issue is much more complicated and metaphysical incorporating karma and previous lives, but in this lifetime, they were one source that makes suicide quite acceptable, even desirable, meaning they've done me a favor.

Separate from that dubious favor, I have had to recognize that they have helped me on my path, albeit accidentally and unintentionally. Aside from being crucial in my turning away from normative life and embracing death as central to my practice and progress, they provided the funds for my current quasi-hermit lifestyle where I can focus on practice. It's not what they expected and they tried and failed to get the funds back, thanks to my aunt's lack of cooperation – she basically told them if they wanted their money, they had to ask it back from me directly, something they were apparently unwilling to do.

My aunt placed the money in my account at their request. She wasn't about it take it back at their request. I think under their own code, money flows from them to me. The idea of it going from me to them is unthinkable. Them telling me to give them money would violate the primary and likely only defense of their parenting. Unfortunately for them, the money is in my personal bank account. Unfortunately for me, when it comes to money, actually nothing is unthinkable.

But within these past few months, I did come upon a teaching that stated that anyone who helps someone on the path is doing good, anyone who dissuades a person on the path is doing harm. The path is anyone even striving towards the bodhisattva ideal to help all beings. I'm no where near that ideal, but I recognize it as a pretty good goal. Even if my parents' support was accidental and unintentional, the teaching says they still get credit for it. So my bad reaction to them was something I needed to rethink.

For a while after I came back to Taiwan, my parents would call and I would just have nothing to say. Phonecalls were awkward and uncomfortable and ended quickly. After coming across that teaching, I realized I had to decide to not have nothing to say to them. I had to give them credit for the support they were providing, however accidental or unintentional.

I have started to communicate more actively, but with the principle that I wasn't going to make it easy for them. I've been engaging them (actually just my mother, but they are one entity) and challenging their memory and experience as well as their grandparenting and continuing interaction in my brothers' families. I've been digging up and delving into issues of their parenting in a non-argumentative way; when bringing up a point at issue, I always preface by saying that I'm not criticizing. I just present my facts, things of which they don't know or aren't aware, but should realize as alternatives to their version of memory or truth.

Since I've started doing this, we've had at least two lively, extended conversations. Much of it involving her parenting that is not so infallible, and that she needs to keep a check on her interactions with my brothers' families. She really didn't do such a good job the first time around, so she needs to keep an open mind in getting it right with the grandkids. She made decisions that she felt were defensible, and that's fine and reasonable, but she is currently in no position to try to impose such decisions on my brothers' families or their kids.

I'm trying to impose wisdom on my mother. If she doesn't have reasoned wisdom to offer, then shut the fuck up. And she has been receptive. She even said that she was open to be criticized during our conversations. She understood the nature of the discourse. She's willing to be challenged. This only applies to my mother. My father, as "intelligent" as he apparently is, still has acquired absolutely zero wisdom in his years and likely not only stands by his atrocious parenting skills, but also is willing to apply them to the grandchildren. If people don't act in the way he wants, he's willing to withdraw all assistance or care. He's, in short, a fucking bastard. No respect for him.

There's really no purpose to this blog anymore. It's just habit. It's just that I have it.

All the reasons why I started it are now null and void. It was supposed to be a record, a last testament, but those things don't matter at all anymore.

I even tried to write an opinion post last month about religious extremists just being criminals and have nothing to do with religion, but even opinions don't matter anymore in a world where everyone can state opinions on the Internet like they mean anything. But millions of people disagreeing in comment sections is not a conversation. It's just idiotic.

So this is just a personal blog for myself. I'm not communicating to anyone, I'm not leaving a record of an invisible life for people who might be curious. There aren't any.

So the year turned. It's been 10 years since Deer Park. Nine years I've been in Taiwan doing nothing of any worth to anyone. Erased my identities. Continued with mindfulness practice. A lazy hermit-with-Internet-and-alcohol practice.

I finally started getting back to the gym in January. Still no cycling. Running on treadmill had been steadily getting back to where I was before I left for that trip to New Jersey; four miles without injury. From there, the idea was to keep working on strength and increasing distance and time.

I almost had a mishap, whereby I found and read a book about the "Pose method" of running. My first time trying out the concepts, I damn near re-injured my Achilles tendon, but fortunately it was nothing major and pain only lasted a week and I feel I'm good to continue with my planned regimen.

I'm not dismissing the Pose method, but it is particularly hard on the Achilles tendon, so with recent injuries, Pose needs to be approached slowly, with patience, and over a long period of time to develop appropriate strength.

The basic principle of Pose running is that running is optimized when developed as a technique, and not just an innate ability. Few other activities assume excellence can be attained without application and practice of technique, so the book says.

Actually, one that comes to mind is sitting meditation, although not excellence but ability perhaps. Practitioners are taught to apply methods and visualizations, blah, blah, blah, but it's a fine line between that and developing a technique.

I don't know if it was a coincidence in timing, but right when I was reading the book on Pose running, I also thought about applying technique to sitting meditation. It's a work in progress that I'm testing out. It may just be another method among the pantheon of existing taught methods.

I'm certainly not an "accomplished" meditator nor have I reached any level of alternate consciousness or understanding of consciousness.

I thought one of the first things I'd do once I got back to Taiwan is get back to the gym, but a week and a half later I still haven't. Tomorrow will mark four weeks I haven't been to the gym, but I'll try to go by tomorrow.

Granted I caught a head cold the day after I got back, but that cleared by mid-week last week, and physically I'm go for activity. I've been in a slump in addition to a sleep slump since flying to New Jersey.

I hardly slept at all on the flight to New Jersey, and immediately upon arrival my sleep pattern has been pretty constant to this day; that is, going to sleep between 1 and 3 a.m., sleeping roughly between 4 or 5 hours, and then crashing out for a nap later in the day or evening. It's not enough sleep, but I'm alright.

I guess motivation in general has been low. Slump. I'm in danger of alcoholism overwhelming. I'm in danger of becoming totally unmotivated and comfortable doing nothing. Which, as I recall, wasn't that bad as long as I don't get restless in it. I've even felt some possible relapses in my appetite. Not being able to eat is not something I want to go back to.

And now for something completely different, after almost 9 years in Taiwan, I'm pretty jaded about any ridiculousness here. I thought I'd seen it all. But something I'd never experienced was to buy something and find the item not in the box.

Yesterday I went to the supposed premier music store in Taiwan, ATB, and bought a Korg PX5D multifex unit. I had already scoped it out at another store and saw that the price was at least NT$8,000, so when I was quoted NT$7,500 at ATB, I went for it.

It's a weird feeling buying something and opening up the box and finding the item not there. I knew where it was. At the store, I had perused the box and noticed the actual unit sitting on the shelf, basically making it a display unit. That's when and where I asked about the price, got the quote and took the box believing a new unit was in the box based on the heft of the box (thick user's manual). And mind you the store people looked like they didn't give two shits whether I was interested in buying the unit or not.

So basically, someone had removed the unit from the box, left it on the shelf and still had the box displayed for purchase and no one at the store was responsible for putting two and two together and making sure if they sold the item, the item would be in the box.

I was as livid as I could get, which is not very livid (mindfulness practice), considering I was considering how livid I should act when I went back to the store. I ended up taking the civil, non-confrontational approach, but was fairly direct about it, that I wanted my money back.

The consumer experience of buying something and then finding the item bought absent = I'm not buying it from this store. To one of the store worker's credit, he looked reasonably horrified that this happened. He knew it was bad. Not to the store's credit, none of the other workers seemed at all interested that this happened and that they were losing a sale.

Anyway, I went to the other store which was selling the unit for NT$8,800 on the price tag and told them ATB was selling it for NT$7,500, just hoping they would match the price, and they gave a further discount at NT$7,300. I haggled without even knowing it. A seasoned haggler could've gotten it down to at least NT$7,000. I am not that seasoned haggler.

Needless to say, ATB is no longer the go-to place for music items for me. The store from which I ended up buying the item was Player Music Instruments, near exit 3 of the Chiang-Kai Shek Memorial MRT station. 

Flying back to Taiwan was just as grueling as flying to the U.S., even with no delays caused by an incoming winter storm the day I left nor other travel-related hitches and having a whole row to myself on the 13 hour first-leg flight to Asia from Newark. I think I may have been the only person in economy with a whole row to myself.

I have just about no incentive for making that trip in the future. I do enjoy visiting my brothers and their families. We're not super close and don't necessarily connect, but we're cordial and pleasant enough and I feel nothing ill when visiting them. I don't know if they feel the same way about me.

I've shunned the stress and responsibilities that they've taken on in living normative lives. I don't know if they acknowledge that whatever stress they have in their lifestyles is the result of their own decisions; I don't know if they even felt they had a decision. Or if they feel my own decisions are a cop-out.

I look at all they have and made a conscious decision that I don't want any of it. Wife, family, career, mortgages, cars, stuff . . . no thanks.

On the other hand, I recognize that my attitude has some degree to do with the parents. And this is a bit of a revelation and something my brothers probably don't understand.

There was never any way that I was going to get married and start a family because of what that meant regarding my relation with the parents. When my brothers got married, the parents were involved. They had to be involved. When my brothers started having kids, the parents became the grandparents. They had to be involved.

The course of my brothers' lives involved the parents and even developed a deep appreciation for the financial assistance they provided to get them where they are. I certainly don't fault them for that.

They don't know the extent of my lack of appreciation, though, specifically in regard to their financial provisions making my being alive possible when being alive is a take it or leave it proposal for me. I don't even owe them that.

So I'm stating it for the record that my relationship with my parents probably has been a major factor in why I never got married or had kids or even wanted to.

Still that's only part of it. The other part of it is that I myself really didn't want to get married or have kids. If I really wanted to get married and have kids, though, my parents wouldn't have anything to do with it.

If I truly found my "soul mate" and wanted to spend the rest of my life with her and make it "official" through some ritual concept referred to as "marriage", and then to sire offspring . . . and I can't even project any sarcastic or cynical meaning to that since it's simply inconceivable, so to speak, none of it would have involved the parents.

In other words, if I did have the drive to live some sort of normative life with a love of my life and kids, I would have likely cut all relations with my parents. My parents couldn't have anything to do with any relationship of mine with someone else, nor with any kids that we had. No fucking way. All they were in that regard was negative and chaos, and not something I would want perpetuated.

My relationship with my parents, and what toxicity they cultivated, simply doesn't include a relationship that involves those things. As such, if that were a path I wanted to take, it would have meant severing all financial ties as well; meaning a strong enough desire and ambition to find my own financial way in the world would have been required. A career, making money, being sustainable; what just about everyone normatively does anyway.

And I never had that ambition or desire. I never found that love of my life that would have superseded my financial attachment and dependence on the parents. Much too lazy? Maybe. The point is that they aren't entirely to blame. They were a major factor, but the decision was mine.

Englewood Cliffs, NJ

Last night in New Jersey, and as short as two weeks may sound, I'm glad to be going home tomorrow. Two weeks was enough.

In addition to basically my first week here spent at the resort, it's winter and it's cold. I have no access to a car here, no bicycle as my road bike was damaged the last time I visited, not that I would go out on bike in this cold. Public transportation is laughable. Parents are retired, so no alone time at the house to practice drums or make noise. And their internet is butt-slow.

On my last day here, I took my parents' car and went on a shopping spree spending almost $600. I got two sets of earbud headphones: Bose noise canceling and Monster noise isolating iSport Victory models.

I've been using Monster iSport Immersion earbuds for almost a year and they're probably on their last legs. I gave them a thumbs down because of poor construction and design. That model has been discontinued and replaced with the iSport Victory.

I was hesitant to go for Monster again because of the Immersion problems, but despite the problems they sounded incredible and I didn't know what else to get since the Bose are too expensive to be my daily active headphones. Fortunately, it seems the Victory model is better designed and possibly more robust. I'll wait until the Immersion dies before I really start using them.

Finally I got a Jawbone Mini Jambox, almost on a whim. I don't keep up with new products and technology at all, but I've heard about these portable, decent sound quality speakers, and I'm planning to use this on my nightstand to help get through insomnia.

I've been playing music during insomnia on my sound system across the room, and it's kinda too far away. I don't want to turn it up because I don't want to disturb neighbors. So the Mini Jambox is spoiling myself to be able to listen to music in good quality while I can't sleep.

Englewood Cliffs, NJ

I went into New York today to go to the 9/11 memorial site and museum. I kinda felt it was an obligation as an American citizen to go, especially being such an easy trip from New Jersey. It was a pilgrimage to the site of, historically speaking, the worst day of my life.

I noticed the newly completed and opened Freedom Tower from the New Jersey Turnpike right after I arrived. It's huge and appeared to dwarf the Empire State Building further uptown. "Muscular" was the word that came to mind. And that only the spire gives its claim of great height.

The reflecting pools created out of the footprints of the Twin Towers were appropriate and allowed for peaceful reflection.

The museum was pretty intense. I didn't make it through. I reached a point of saturation at some point and just had to leave. Having spent over 2 and a half hours there and needing to meet someone for dinner also precipitated a hasty exit.

My sister-in-law summed it up with why she didn't want to go to the museum yet. Too soon. That's exactly it. Everyone who went through 9/11 and its ongoing aftermath knows everything there is to know about it.

I certainly didn't learn anything new, per se. But it was meaningful, albeit intense, to be in that space and around artifacts of that day. Important to note is that the museum is underground and built around the footprints of the former Twin Towers, now marked by the reflecting pools above, and by the preserved iron bases of the foundation columns below.

The preservation of the footprints above and below, I think, are all-important to attest where the buildings physically stood. Various exhibits now attest to what had been there before.

But I had to meet Liz at Katz's Deli at 5:30. Liz is a friend from high school and she's currently the person I've known the second longest in my life, family notwithstanding. We were on the track team together and we also dated for a short while.

I'm not sure what to say about Liz, except that she's good at keeping in touch with people and not carrying over baggage. We were just two old friends meeting up after a long period of time. Can't say there was a whole lot of meaning to it. Just two old friends meeting up to say hi.

Englewood Cliffs, NJ

I just realized I hadn't iterated my recent use of "chaos". The recent mantra has been "Don't be the chaos", i.e., in other people's lives, the disruption, the unpredictable, uncertainty or frustration. The meditation is to pay attention to the disruptions we cause to other people, while also trying to not be affected by other people's chaos.

My parents are the natural and automatic chaos in my life without even trying to be. Like the car incident. They didn't maintain their own car, and when I offer a favor to drive my brother to the office in their stead, I feel the consequence of the chaos they create. They also have an uncanny ability to call at the worst possible times. Even with good intentions, it ends up as chaos.

The chaos doesn't have to be big. It's not necessarily bad. It's definitely subjective and interpretive. It's a little bit hyperbole, but also not. Some may relate it to karma, which I wouldn't deny.

I was a little bit of chaos to my brother's family when I was waffling in indecisiveness about whether to go with them to Philly or not. They had a set time schedule for the day and I put minor ripples into it. They possibly-probably don't see it that way, but I'm just being mindful of my own role.

I'm glad I went to Philly, it shouldn't have been such a hard decision. I wouldn't have made it down there for a visit this time otherwise. It's my first time visiting since they moved into a new house, and that was something that had to happen, and if it didn't happen now at the perfect opportunity, it may have gotten awkward.

It was a short visit, I stayed two nights and no one broke a stride in their routine for me. I had Monday all to myself and I walked about downtown Philly. Ate at DiNic's at Reading Terminal Market because I saw it on the "Man vs. Food" TV show. Good eats.

A poppyseed bagel with lox cream cheese also helped make my food experience. Still no decent bagels in Taiwan. I should've also fit in a Philly cheesesteak in there somewhere since it would've fit well with the no broken strides in routine thing (better to feed myself). I think too much, though.

I left Tuesday morning by train to New York Penn Station – the Septa transfer to NJ Transit in Trenton way, very well described on tripadvisor (you buy the tickets at the NJ Transit ticket machine near the Septa ticket counter at 30th Street Station). Another bagel with cream cheese affirmed that Philly bagels are decent. Easily comparable to New Jersey, not so much so with New York because of the water thing.

After getting to New York, I visited the Intrepid Air and Space Museum before taking a bus from the 42nd St. Port Authority to New Jersey. What crap NJ Transit is.

November was "space month" on Discovery Channel Science, and that made me want to visit the Intrepid, and specifically the Space Shuttle Enterprise. The Enterprise never went into space and so it was in fairly pristine condition. I'd like to visit the Smithsonian in Washington where the Space Shuttle Discovery is housed. Apparently the curator wanted the Discovery basically in the condition after it landed after its final mission with no touching up or making over.

I had a food misstep in New York going to Arthur Treacher's Fish & Chips fast food. I thought it would be a nostalgia thing, but it's for kids. After having real British style fish & chips as an adult, Arthur Treacher's is crap. I did grab a slice of pizza before heading to New Jersey, and it was mind-blowingly good.

Philadelphia, PA

So my brothers and their families all arrived at the resort on Thanksgiving day around noon-ish just before the big Thanksgiving meal. It was strange at that time that I had already been there for 24 hours and by the end of that day it was strange thinking that it was still their first day.

I was mostly dreading the trip because I didn't know anything about it, but it turns out we rented a whole house at the resort, so I had my own room to which I could and often did retreat. I didn't have to deal with the parents or the awkwardness or chaos of the nieces and nephews. It wasn't that bad.

One of my brothers' family is total chaos. I actually went over to their house the night I arrived from Taiwan and it was a total circus. I could see my sister-in-law caught with head underwater in the whirling rapids with hardly any chance to get a breath. It's hard to believe the great humor and grace with which she handles the situation. She deserves an award.

My other brother's kids are the total opposite: well-behaved, disciplined. If they can be described as soldiers standing at attention, the other brother's kids are like a bunch of baby squirrels playing in the first snow.

The parents continue to be sheer chaos. This was supposed to be a family vacation weekend celebrating their supposed 50th anniversary. But my mother scheduled with my oldest brother for him to go to work on Saturday, with her driving him all the way back to the office and then driving back to the resort afterwards. 

Whatever, all that is none of my business. However, even with the already existing tension with the parents, I offered to drive my brother at the last minute. Even though it was none of my business what arrangements they made for my brother to go to work on Saturday, once they were made, it only made sense for multiple reasons that I do the driving. I meant it as a favor, I'm sure my mother didn't see it as a favor.

The start of the parents' role as chaos began once me and my brother headed out in pre-dawn hours in my parents' car. It was quickly apparent in the mountain road darkness that without high-beams on, the car basically had no headlights. 

The left low-beam was completely out, a fact that I had already pointed out to them on my first day back. The right low-beam was damaged in a fender bender over a year ago that they never got fixed so that the beam pointed in a direction no where near the center of the road. 

Driving on the mountain roads, at points where it was completely safe, I turned off the high-beams and it was like I had turned off all the lights. Every time I had to shut off the high-beams due to on-coming traffic, I also had to slam on the brakes because I couldn't see anything and drive using the line immediately on the right side of the road. 

We had to drive on and deal with it, but since it was pre-dawn with few other cars on the road, it was manageable. Once we hit the interstate, the sky was just getting light, but I opined that if a cop saw us, he'd probably pull us over. So until the sky brightened sufficiently, I shadowed any vehicle in front of me both for safety, and to avoid how obvious our lack of headlights was.

The issue was what to do going back. My brother said that if we departed after three, we would certainly be driving in the dark once we got back to the mountain roads to the resort. Our options were to try to fix the bulb (which would be totally in his realm since I have no idea about any of that), or take his other car. 

The fixing option didn't pan out. He could pull it off if we had more time, but we didn't. But he did tell our parents about the issue, and the mother then called me and asked me to take the car to get it fixed. That was the chaos that sent me near over the edge. Mindfulness practice engaged, I didn't go over the edge. 

But I was furious. I reject cars. I got rid of my car. I got sick of the headache of maintenance and all the baggage that comes with cars. And here I am for just two weeks and the chaos asks me to take her car in for repair. 

I did half-assedly look for the repair shop she mentioned. I couldn't find it. When she gives directions, it's totally from her subjective point of view and doesn't take into account how other people might see things. 

One of my brothers acknowledges that about her. He doesn't listen to her driving instructions because they're so subjective as to be useless. She describes what she did and tells him that and it's nonsense to him, as opposed to when I give him directions when the first thing I ask is what does he see so we can coordinate our bearings (this happened when they were driving to the resort). 

For the return trip, my brother rejected my impulsive idea to just take their fucking car back to them and let them deal with it, so we ended up taking his other car. I didn't look at or talk to the parents until just before leaving the resort (which was just until the next morning).

I was furious (sorta), my other brother invited me to stay at his house for a few days, and I decided to accept. Not wanting to drive with my parents back to New Jersey or deal with them in any way was no small part of the decision to go to Philly. So the last thing I said to them was confirming they were alright driving my brother's car. 

So that's why I'm in Philly now. 

Funny thing about this traveling and insomnia, I have been maintaining morning sitting. Before leaving for the resort last Wednesday, departure was delayed so I started sitting. So it happened that when everyone was ready, I stuck my sitting cushion into my luggage which was otherwise near empty. 

As insomnia continued, I would get up early in the pre-dawn and do sitting, which was very pleasant in the mountain quiet. After the manifestation of chaos on Saturday, on Sunday morning I was sitting and thinking about the chaos when a huge blue throne-like block visualized before me and said "LET IT GO!". I thought that's probably a good idea.