Getting Here from There #1: Ten Years
It's been 10 years since I graduated from college. 9 years since I moved across the continent to get as far away from my parents as possible.

I consider myself at the end of my life in that I have nothing to strive for, no goals, there is nothing to progress with. I'm doing now what I might have been doing right after college if my parents hadn't intervened and pushed me to go to friggin', useless law school. Idiots.

I look like I'm still trying to find direction. I'm not. I don't want a house. I don't want a family. I'm just sort of stuck, having been given a terrific life, and not wanting to do anything with it.

I have no appreciable health problems, I have no cash flow problems, I have no uncontrollable addictions, I may or may not have unresolved mental health issues, I am not losing my hair, I am not emotionally stunted despite my last entry (that was more my attitude or perspective, not what I feel).

I'm just lazy and unmotivated. It's pathetic, really. What a waste. Do I feel guilty about it? Sorta. Do I feel guilty about it enough to do something about it? Um, not really. It's still my life. Take your friggin' judgments elsewhere.

All I want from life is to get a little bit more clarity on the nature of life and reality, and I'm not doing anything pursuant to that anymore. I did that when I was in school. When you're a working schlep, you don't have the time or energy. If you're lazy and unmotivated, you end up in a job you really don't care about and all it does is pay the bills and maintain a physical, biological entity.

If you're a functional member of society, at least you do something with the money, buy a house, invest in stocks, start a 401(k), be social goddammit, go out on weekends and do the mating dance (I have witnessed it and it disgusted me, the men and the women). At least have a companion or a crew, at least be in a relationship.

Can't be bothered.

minor epiphanies:
+ I'm finding myself relating to the "undead" in Buffy the Vampire Slayer. (i.e., the vampires)
+ the perfect descriptive of my attitude towards life in the worst of times: sarcastic disinterest
+ the perfect descriptive of my attitude towards life in the best of times: ironic disinterest
That hardly makes me manic.

current soundtrack: The Kinks: "(Wish I Could Fly Like) Superman"

So I had a minor panic at work after 5:00 yesterday. I realized that I had five cases that could be filed by next Wednesday, and therefore needed to be filed by next Wednesday. I prepared one set of forms right away and it took 30-40 minutes. I got to work today and casually banged out the other four. They are now with boss-lady to review and I'm waiting for her to finish so I can send them out for signature.

My wrists are toast. I'm going to do very little else today aside from sending out those forms and sending an e-mail to the HR person to please turn them around quickly. I have tendinitis in my right wrist and it started acting up lately. I did the whole ergo thing at my work station, and IT gave me two mouses to switch back and forth from whenever it got painful. I can also now have mouse wars with myself. I'm surprised I haven't broken anything here yet.

Overheard:
Q: Are you going to Pride this Sunday?
A: What do I have to be proud of? I'm hetero.

current soundtrack: "Quadrophenia" - The Who

Pick a band and answer the questions only using that band's lyrics: Taken from Shahrzad (The Smiths) who took it from Katie (Talking Heads), who took it from Jeremy (They Might Be Giants), who did it on Jessica's (Superdrag) livejournal. Mine's is, of course, helluv longer than any of theirs.

0. Band: Supertramp
1. Are you male or female?
Take a look at my girlfriend, she's the only one I got
Not much of a girlfriend, never seem to get a lot
"Breakfast in America" from . . .title track

2. Describe yourself:
Just when I'm down, I'll be the clown, I'll play the fool
Please don't arrange to have me sent to no asylum
I'm just as sane as anyone
It's just a game I play for fun, yea I've been fooling everyone
"Asylum" from Crime of the Century

3. How do they feel about you?
They sent me away to teach me how to be sensible, logical, responsible, practical
And they showed me a world where I could be so dependable, clinical, intellectual, cynical
"The Logical Song" from Breakfast in America

4. How do you feel about yourself?
Dreamer, you're nothing but a dreamer
Well you can put your hands in your head, oh no!
Dreamer, you stupid little dreamer
So now you put your head in your hands, oh no!
"Dreamer" from Crime of the Century

5. Describe your object of affection?
You are the reason I was born
Be with you through all seasons, I'll always hear you when you call
We'll keep the love light shining through each night and day
A lonely life behind me, what a change you've made
So down here on the ocean, we will stay
"Downstream" from Even in the Quietest Moments

6. What would you rather be doing?
You'd better gain control now
You'd better show 'em all now
You'd better make or break now
You'll have to give and take now
You'll have to push and shove now
You'll have to find some love now
You'd better gain control now
"Rudy" from Crime of the Century

7. Describe where you live.
When lonely days turn to lonely nights
You take a trip to the city lights
And take the long way home
"Take the Long Way Home" from Breakfast in America

8. Describe how you love:
I'll give a little bit
I'll give a little bit of my life for you
"Give a Little Bit" from THE FRIGGIN' GAP COMMERCIAL. grrr.

9. Share a few words of wisdom:
Hide in your shell 'cos the world is out to bleed you for a ride
What will you gain making your life a little longer?
Hide in Your Shell from Crime of the Century

I thought I'd leave jahva to do U2.

John Entwistle (1944-2002)
It was John Entwistle. It must have been. The first bassist who really caught my ear. I clearly remember figuring out the bass solo on "My Generation" on a red, Explorer-shaped Hondo bass, in my suburban room in New Jersey. I remember jamming along to "Tommy", trying to learn all the songs. Being stunned by "The Real Me" off Quadrophenia. And, of course, there was "Boris the Spider". It took me years to realize that very few bassists can defy the "less is more" maxim for successful bass playing, and he was one of them, and I sure as hell wasn't.

And he wrote some pretty funny lyrics.

My Wife
My life's in jeopardy
Murdered in cold blood is what I'm gonna be
I ain't been home since Friday night
And now my wife is coming after me

Give me police protection
Gonna buy a gun so
I can look after number one
Give me a bodyguard
A black belt Judo expert with a machine gun

Gonna buy a tank and an aeroplane
When she catches up with me
Won't be no time to explain
She thinks I've been with another woman
And that's enough to send her half insane

Gonna buy a fast car
Put on my lead boots
And take a long, long drive
I may end up spending all my money
But I'll still be alive

All I did was have a bit too much to drink
And I picked the wrong precinct
Got picked up by the law
And now I ain't got time to think

Gonna buy a tank and an aeroplane
When she catches up with me
Won't be no time to explain
She thinks I've been with another woman
And that's enough to send her half insane

Gonna buy a fast car
Put on my lead boots
And take a long, long drive
I may end up spending all my money
But I'll still be alive

And I'm oh so tired of running
Gonna lay down on the floor
I gotta rest some time so
I can get to run some more

She's comin'!
She's comin'!

Holy cow! I scored the "Hitsville USA Motown Singles Collection 1959-1971" yesterday for $33, and it is . . . unspeakable!!! What is it about these old songs that are SO magically good? I don't think it's nostalgia, I'm coming across a lot of this new. Just the grooves, the feel, the TUNES are just so excellent. I just can't stop dancing around my apartment, whoops, gotta go dance . . .

One of my favorite J-pop bands is called Southern All-Stars, and they are easily Japan's premier rock band. I always thought of them as the Japanese equivalent of The Beatles and The Rolling Stones combined. But granted Motown influenced both The Beatles and The Rolling Stones, listening to these tracks I'm hard pressed not to believe that it was Motown that was the source inspiration that guided Kuwata Keisuke's brilliant songwriting.

a little known fact that just hit me:
RAY CHARLES COVERED SOUTHERN ALL-STARS!! Ray Charles' Ellie, My Love is the Southern All-Stars hit Itoshi no Eri, re-worked with English lyrics.

current soundtrack: Hitsville USA Motown Singles Collection 1959-1971, disc 1

I've been looking around at the desolate wasteland I call my life, in the affectionate of course, and I've been trying to draw lines from my past to figure out how I got here from there.

It's fascinating. Granted I fascinate myself pretty easily. Some things I go back to and look at where I am and it's totally unfamiliar, can't believe that was the same person. Then there are elements which have just reinforced and maintained the status quo on who I am now. Can we move on already? No, honey, we can't.

I think back to my old boss, Ritu, who died in September 2000. I still think of her and miss her. I wonder how she would have reacted to Sept. 11 and the corporate changes at the firm. I go to the New York Times website and I think of her whenever I see her friend Somini's name in a byline.

I think Somini came out here to help when Ritu was melting down. I think she was the one Ritu finally threw out of her apartment and locked her out and she had no choice but return to New York. And I think we chuckled about the incident later.

Ritu was somebody, something, to a lot of people. Her landscape was tormented and tortured, but it wasn't just some nameless wasteland. She was a participant, not just an observer, and she still excised herself from our realities. The rest of us go on, what can you do?

Northern Exposure Quote of the Day:
Joel: You're not going to your own father's wedding?
Maggie: No, I wasn't invited.
Joel: What? Whew, boy that WASP blood, give you the shivers.

Flatlining or "How the Numbness Became an Acute Matter of Record":
I think I used to be suicidal. From the first time I learned what the word meant, it resonated, it was familiar, it appealed. And I've gotten this far by always having a plan to do it (with the actual intention of doing it) on or by a certain month or date in the not-so-distant future.

There was a lot of anger involved with it, I still won't admit that pain had anything to do with it. I look back and don't equate my feelings with pain. It was anger coursing through my veins. I know, maybe anger-coursing-through-veins = pain. Whatever.

There were a lot of scary and intense bad times and moments (one humorous recollection involves passing out into a patch of poison oak. . . . haha), but compared to now, there was a bite back then, an edge, it was alive and seething and living. And at some point it stopped. Suicide is still there, but it's more like background cosmic radiation rather than a violent, all-devouring black hole. It's no longer something to do, but it's more of a way of being, a paradigm (plus tax).

I'm not saying it was better then, or that it's worse being blah, boring, dull, and numb than being angry, self-destructive, and suicidal and not letting any of it show. Personally, I wouldn't recommend either to anyone with a choice in the matter.

In many ways, this numbness is better. It's truer to my belief about "reality" and this world. Negate all feelings, happiness is suffering because it will end, sadness is suffering because we are imprinted that way, heaven is not bliss, hell is this world around us (albeit perhaps the highest stage of hell, no where near as bad as it can get, and as good as it can get, it is still suffering because it will pass), god is truth and only truth, whether you like it or not. There is no human morality or emotion attached to truth. This, of course, has nothing to do with being numb.

No Woman No Cry:
I was grooving to work this morning, listening to that song by Bob Marley about how if you don't have a woman, you won't have a reason to cry.

Sorry, was that blasphemous?

Han just e-mailed me informing me that Mission of Burma will be at the Fillmore next month. I somehow doubt that Versus, who is named after a Mission of Burma album, will be opening for them like they did in NYC.

I have a U2 bootleg from 1981 recorded in Massachussetts and Bono mentions that they played with Mission of Burma the night before and how he found it refreshing in the U.S. that bands will say good things about other bands, which didn't happen so often in England or Dublin. This bootleg is incredible, mind you. 1981, supporting their first record "Boy", and goddam they kick ass!!

current soundtrack: U2 - "Version City"

What is wrong with me? Why can't I reconcile the macro of my life with the micro? The macro of my life is that I'm done, finished, I've done everything I hoped to achieve, take a bow, leave. The past five years of my life have not convinced me that there's "something coming", a la West Side Story, over the horizon. 

The micro of my life is stuck in a numbingly meaningless job, nay existence, from which I've overstayed my welcome several times over. It's stuck because of some twisted attraction of me to stability, and that isn't life, it goes against everything my life stands for, yet it is very identifiably what I inherited from my parents. 

I don't want to die like this, wallowing in numbness; I don't want to live like this until I'm 65, wallowing in numbness. So what do I do? Take the break I deserve and live off savings and then go to another country and be an expat? 

Overstaying my welcome – story of my life. I've certainly overstayed my welcome at the firm, I'm pretty sure I've overstayed my welcome in lives of the people I've met at the firm, I overstayed my welcome in the band, I've overstayed my welcome in this city, and needless to say, I've just overstayed my welcome. 

current soundtrack: Modest Mouse bootleg

  

I was in heaven 

I was in hell 

Believe in neither 

But fear them as well 

This one's a doctor 

This one's a lawyer 

This one's a cash fiend 

Taking your money 

Back of the metro 

Ride on the Greyhound 

Drunk on the Amtrak 

Please shut up!! 

Another rider 

He was a talker 

Talkin' 'bout TV 

Please shut up!! 

This one's a crazer 

Daydreaming disaster 

The origin of junk food 

Rutting through garbage 

Tasty but worthless 

Dogs eat their own shit 

WE'RE DOING THE COCKROACH, YEAH!!

 - "Doin' the Cockroach"

No, I didn't call my father for father's day for the same reason I didn't call my mother on mother's day. But at least they didn't call to try to lay a guilt trip on me. But since they didn't, I'm not sure I have a compunction to call them tomorrow. OK, I just should, it's a no-brainer, right?

I was thinking this morning about their philosophy on raising kids that "money = love". I've always held that equation as untenable. Money can run out. Does that mean your love can run out? Obviously yes. On the other hand, they've always made sure that they had the money to express their "love". Maybe that was conscious.

They have a ton of money that they're not spending, and they are getting on in age and still making money. What are they doing with all this money? In general money does not equal love, but maybe they thought it through well enough that they can maintain it. I wouldn't put it past them. But that is also to say that they decided long ago that they would never say "I love you" to their kids.

I don't know what it or I would be like if they ever said "I love you", but . . . all things equal, I guess I'll take the money. Even though it's certainly not how I would want to raise children. Not that that's anywhere in the plan.

current soundtrack: Kina Shoukichi & Champloose - "Niraikanai Paradise"

The Fade Out:
Sadie came over this afternoon and gave me some groundwork on the recording software she installed on my computer a couple weeks ago. So now I have another toy with which to try to write and record (that is, other than my four-track cassette recorder and eight-track digital workstation).

I'm not taking this seriously at all because I don't intend to do anything with this. I'm not a leader. I don't think I'd be a good front-person, I'm not a good writer, and I couldn't lead a band. I'm best in support positions, providing options and alternatives and letting someone else make final decisions.

It carries over with music. I'm best at playing bass or drums, being support, laying down a solid groove and keeping out of the spotlight. So whatever I do with writing and this recording software is just an exercise. I don't really care if I do or don't do music anymore. I'm just winding out my days fiddling with it because I've spent my entire life fiddling with it. It's habit. Never thought I'd habit, did you?

It's perplexing. I see my life a certain way, and that's fact as far as I'm concerned, yet my actions suggest something completely different. As always I'll keep my fingers on the pulse of all these contradictory things I can't figure out about myself, but at the end of the day, all that matters is the clarity I feel I've gotten in this life, whether or not I think I'm done, and the test is simple - if I'm still here, I'm not. If I'm not, I was.

current soundtrack: Pearl Jam - (No Code - "Habit")

*yawn*: Well, I am from New Jersey:
The Lakers swept the New Jersey Nets. I knew they would sweep. If Sacramento had beaten the Lakers in the playoff, I think the Nets would have had a fighting chance to beat Sacramento in the championship, maybe even won. Probably even won.

But I think the Nets were at a huge psychological disadvantage. Living deep in the shadows of the New York Knicks across the river, the Nets have always been pretty insignificant. The Nets have maybe three fans who live outside of New Jersey, and two of them are away only for college. For such an underdog to get to the championship and play against the Lakers, you can't expect to win. You expect to get squashed like a bug.

Whereas if they went against Sacramento, another insignificant, cow-town team, they would have gone for the jugular. Sacramento has a basketball team? At least when you mention that New Jersey has a basketball team, after a few seconds of thought, they'll go, "oh yea, the Jets, er, um, . . . Nets or something". Badda bing.

Kate's Chink-O-Rama:
This show was unbelievable! When I first saw it advertised, I thought, "oh no", but then I realized, "...couldn't be", and read more and it looked promising ("Sold Out Hit from New York"; "A hilarious send-up of Asian Stereotypes . . . see why all the round-eyes are freaking out!"; "'I was never so insulted in my life!' - Suzie Wong").

I think I heard the word "chink" more times than in my whole life! (which is saying more about how many times it's used in the show than how many times I've heard it in my life). It was hilarious and fun and ribald. There were parts that made me wince and cringe, because growing up in a country steeped (and in many ways founded, even legally) in racism and a society that generally accepts it against Asians, there are deep psychological imprints, that even when presented in a safe environment in a sarcastic, funny, slap-in-the-face way . . . there's something still unnerving.

"Chink" is not a term that will be taken back and used as a term of empowerment any time soon. It is only in extremely insular circumstances that it should be tolerated within our own communities ("it doesn't matter what country you're from, you're all chinks), because as soon as it becomes known that we are using it amongst ourselves, it frightens me to think how larger society will jump on that and start using it in the abusive way it's always been used, only more so and with abandon, and justified by, "well, they call each other that".

But I digress, the show is hilarity in a soft shell. Kate Rigg, the creator of the show, was fantastic.

Cianna, pt. II:
I ran into Cianna again at the show. Ten performances of Kate's Chink-O-Rama in this city, and Cianna and I run into each other at the same one. Once again her brilliance and radiance was permeating.

Here I am running my life into the ground and I meet up with Cianna and I realize, "it's all about connecting, it's all about the community you find". I can run my life into the ground, but I'd better be damn sure that it's what I want to do. And then do it with all I can give. But don't just wallow into that state and muddle along with it.

The energy I get from Cianna is something akin to . . . an exudement of life (I guess the real word is "exuberance"). It's something to be excited about no matter what you're doing, even self-destructing it, because life is much bigger than what we can sense with our five or six senses.

I may never find a community, a person or people I connect with, but if I get dragged down because of that, then I'm totally losing perspective about what I think life is. It's taking life too seriously. I never experienced depression until I got committed.

Before that, whenever I felt what I think might have become depression to other people, I channeled that feeling into anger towards my parents. It was fire. I learned depression on a psychiatric ward when I had the feeling, but wasn't able to channel it into something else.

Now I don't even hate my parents anymore, for most part, but I have to remember that fire that kept me from wallowing in self-pitying depression. bleah.

current soundtrack: Pinback - "Blue Screen Life"

sent via e-mail from Cass: working schleps can relate

NEW WORDS FOR 2002
Essential additions for the workplace vocabulary:

1) BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2) SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
3) ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard.
4) SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5) MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation’s answer to the couch potato.
6) SITCOMs: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What DINKS (Dual-Income, No Kids) and yuppies turn into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
7) STARTER MARRIAGE: A short-lived first marriage that ends in divorce with no kids, no property and no regrets.
8) STRESS PUPPY: person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
9) PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the heck out of an electronic device to get it to work again.
10) ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
11) OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you’ve just made a BIG mistake.

We experienced a partial solar eclipse! It was very neat, it's the first solar eclipse I've seen, partial or total. I used my binoculars to project the image onto my front door. It took a little bit to align my binos so that the sun's image was going right through, but when it became clear what it was, it was very cool. I tooks some shots with my digi (holding binos with left hand, digi camera with right), but I can't post them because I don't have a host. How can you post, when you have no host, yo!

Link Day:
I take back what I said about understanding World Cup fanatics. Sore fucking losers.

I wonder if it was a European or a Muslim who first translated "jihad" as "holy war". I can sort of see how jihad, meaning "struggle for betterment or justice" can be twisted by religious fanatics or outsiders to mean "holy war", but they really are a far cry from each other either way.

Regarding, what I wrote yesterday regarding Lain and the Japanese government, I know, it sounds like a long shot, but I noticed that Lain is copyrighted in 1998, and there was a groundswell through the 90's for the Japanese government to admit to, apologize for, and make reparations for the comfort women abuses during World War II.

Before victims started testifying in the early 90's to Japanese military atrocities, Japan's official position was that it never happened, there was no proof. If they could deny it and keep it under wraps until everyone forgot about it, then it never happened. A philosophical assertion that I think Lain posits as absurd, especially as we the viewers just watched 12 previous episodes and aren't about to forget anything. Anyway, the line from Lain sounded very much how the Japanese government was trying to weasle its way out of that issue.

Serial Experiments Lain:
The final episode of Lain was what I expected out of final episodes of anime - they don't pull everything together and was a mish mosh of ideas and elements from the entire series. Philosophically sloppy for anyone who tries to get too much out of a CARTOON!!

Given that, the series was pretty great. I thought that one of the final theses - that if no one remembers something or a person, then that thing or person never existed - was cynically critical of the Japanese government regarding abuses during World War II. The Japanese government is so resistant to accepting responsibility for abuses against Korea and China during World War II, it's as if by denying that the abuses occurred, they can convince the world that they never happened.

Regarding the existential thesis, there were elements of the movie, "It's a Wonderful Life". What would life have been for the people surrounding an individual if that individual never existed? But where "It's a Wonderful Life" was life-affirming, Lain may have simply deleted herself from reality, opting for the factory presets, and suggests that life would have just gone on. Perhaps lives wouldn't have been enriched by this single individual, but they would have gone on, they would have found a way without her.

Of course, "It's a Wonderful Life" was made in 1946, right after WWII and the Great Depression, when the U.S. needed a life-affirming message. We had lost so many lives that we needed a message that every life matters, so as to not fall into a negative cynicism.

In the late '90's, the modern world faces different challenges. Perhaps the uncertainty of self, community, and humanity in the internet age. "Modern" societies are pretty twisted for all of our technology and advancement.

I like the way anime don't wrap things up nicely. They leave conclusions open for the viewer. Hollywood spells out its conclusions as if there was one morality, one universal hegemony. Anime concludes series with ambiguity, requiring thought and personal interpretation.

It's beautiful outside and I still haven't gotten out today. I'm still too damn tired from the work week to get out. I have been a little more active with my 4-track lately, though, so I'll spend some time reviewing what I've recorded recently. Maybe I should have Sadie come in and come up with some guitar parts to make it more collaborative. I gotta get over this "I am an island unto myself" attitude. No I don't, but I'd like to try it out to see how it feels. 

Maybe if fog doesn't roll in tonight, I'll drive out somewhere and stargaze. Island unto myself. 

current soundtrack: Pinback - "More or Less Live in a Few Different Places"

Another Friday night, another trip to "Lost Weekend" video store. I can see Richard Baluyut from outside, but I'm committed to pretend he's a regular shmoe like I did the previous time, and not let on I know he's a rock star.

So I'm browsing and spot on the "staff picks" shelf Brewster McCloud!! I'd been looking for this movie ever since I saw the last half of it when I was in the first psychiatric ward years ago. It starred Bud Cort, and I had just seen Harold and Maude for the first time while I was at Oberlin. I had gotten to the point where I started thinking that the film never existed at all. It wasn't the most lucid time of my life.

At the counter, Richard didn't ring me up, he was eating pizza. When the person who was ringing me up went to get the video, Richard glanced at the "Brewster McCloud" box, and with reserved surprise asked, "Did you get that off that shelf?", I say "yea", and he gives me a nod of approval, "great movie".

*glow*

In grade school, Jimmy Page would have made me feel like that. In high school, it would have been Peter Gabriel. Fiction covered Versus's "Double Suicide (Mercy Killing)", but it reeked in comparison to the original. Nach.

Upon more reflection: What happened?
I was supposed to talk to boss-lady with an eye on gauging my worth and giving notice because the aggravation and frustration was too much if my worth wasn't high enough.

We talked in general terms, which was my fault because I led into it with my unproductivity and poor work-product caused by lack of motivation and morale, basically leaving the sky wide open for her. She did talk about the Ms. Case Manager point of contention without any prompt on my part. And what she said gelled with my experience with her today - that she is still human; something that I've been minimizing in order to maximize the resentment as an excuse to quit.

We talked about a lot of things, but in retrospect, I think she was flying by the seat of her pants, modifying her part of the conversation to fit me and push my buttons. She was manipulating me. That's why she's such a great manager. She treats me differently than Eric and Joyce. She treated us all differently from each other because she was able to figure out what motivates us. She let me do my own thing and figure out my own mistakes because she knew that would make me strive to do better. With someone else who needs to be told what to do, she would figure it out and tell them what to do.

But I did get out of our talk what I wanted to get. She addressed the possibility of me leaving, she didn't assume that I was staying, and merely asked that if I give notice, to give her a month instead of two weeks. And she got what she wanted, too. That I was reluctant to leave. And if she played the situation right, I wouldn't.

Maybe I'm giving her too much credit. We'll see as the month progresses. I do want to leave, but not for reasons she knows. She talked about planning ahead, about having a plan, about putting money aside in 401K's because you'd be surprised how far they go if you play them wisely, about the significance of planning ahead when you're 50 or 60.

I'm not about to tell her I'm looking no further than 34.

I had a meeting today with Debra, Jose, Ms. Case Manager (who was fine), and boss-lady to discuss a client. How things have changed. Debra, Jose, and I used to be on Ritu's team together. We were pretty chummy back then. I had forgotten. Well, the meeting was boring and it degraded into chatting and talking about incidents from long ago.

I had forgotten how fun it used to be to work here and how many hilarious moments and people there were. Debra brought up one incident that had me laughing and crying uncontrollably. We used to be close like that. Even Ms. Case Manager reverted into her normal personality and had us in stitches, reminding me why we hung out so much until she became all high and mighty.

Things change. Things fall apart. By Chinua Achebe. What can you do?

I didn't give notice. Boss-lady and I discussed problems at the firm, I said my peace. Or most of it. But the key point for me was that she asked that if I give notice, to give 30 days instead of two weeks, and I said absolutely. As long as I put it in her mind that I might, then I've done what I wanted to. So now, at any point where the aggravation and frustration peaks, I can give 30 days notice without feeling that I'm harming my loyalty to her and appreciation of her for being a great boss.

Here is a very long quiz I stole from . . . I don't know her name . . . because I am bored.

1. what facial feature do you find the most attractive on others?: Eyes. Boring, but true.
2. would you vote for a woman candidate for president?: Sure, perhaps even just on principle.
3. would you marry for money?: Hmmmmmm. Hmmmmmmmmm. I say, I say, I say . . . hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.
4. have you had braces?: No. What the . . . ?
5. do you pluck your eyebrows?: No.
6. do you ever cut or hurt yourself?: You don't?
7. when was the last time you had a hickey?: Oh my god! It's been years and years and years and years.
8. could you live without a computer?: Am I living with a computer?
9. do you use icq, aol buddy list, etc.?: No.
10. if so, how many people are on your lists?: About five.
11. if you could live in any past time period, which would it be?: Who says I haven't?
12. do you drink enough water?: Probably.
13. do you wear shoes in the house or take them off?: Take them off. Who wears shoes in their house?
14. what is your favorite fruit?: Mm, strawberries, the flavor of *happiness*!
15. do you eat wheat bread or white?: Wheat, always. Anything but white bread. I went to school in Ohio. I don't do white bread.
16. what is your favorite place to visit?: Friends' apartments. Just gotta go find me some friends.
17. what is the last movie you saw?: Monsoon Wedding
18. do you kiss on the first date?: Dates? I don't believe in dates. If you're attracted to someone, you get to know them. If you continue to be attracted, you become friends. If you're good enough friends and remain attracted, you hang out a lot. If you hang out a lot and you're mutually attracted to each other, eventually you find yourself in a compromising position where you're kissing this "friend" and wondering what the hell is going on. Then you find out that they feel the same way. You live happily ever after. The end. Or in the alternative, you start going out, blow everything to hell, and never see them again. Fuck!
19. are you photogenic?: Only when the camera is way out of focus.
20. do you dream in color or black and white?: Color, always.
21. are you wearing fingernail polish?: No
22. is it chipped or fresh?: Fresh.
23. do you have any dimples?: Nope.
24. do you remember being born?: Of course not. Stupid.
25. why do you take surveys?: Because they simplify complicated personalities and allow insight into the true self. How else would I know I'm Daria, Kate who was struck with an axe, Asteroids, that I will take my own life, that my ominosity quotient is five, that I think of myself as being happy, tropical, bright, and citrusy, that others think of me as being furry, warm, funny, and independent, that my relationships can be described as huge, ominous, mysterious, and inviting, that when stressed, I feel free, that I am calm, laid-back, and optimistic, able to see everyone's point of view and have a natural desire for peace, and that I'm an effective mediator, and fearful of conflict and separation from others, I can be too accomodating, that I'm Hoshi Sato, that I'm T'Pol, that I'm the Outsider high school stereotype, that my Inner Child is *The Toymaker*, and that I'm Sailor Neptune. It's all so clear now!
26. do you drink alcohol?: I enjoy a snifter of brandy at Christmas time.
27. did you like or hate high school?: I was too busy fantasizing about my sad demise to hate or like high school.
28. what is the most beautiful language?: French, Japanese, Bengali, Esperanto, Love, Humanity, whatever.
30. do you like sunrises or sunsets the most?: Sunsets.
32. do you think women should be expected to shave their body hair?: No. It sounds like a total pain in the ass and makes really no sense. Even though they do it.
33. do you like salty food or sugary food the most?: Salty food, sugary dessert. Mmmm, in America, first to get the sugar, then you get the power, then you get the women. The strong must protect the sweet. The sweeeeeet.
35. do you or have you played with a ouija board?: Yea, I think it was with Amanda Sorvino. Freaky.
36. are you loyal?: Extremely
37. are you tolerant of other peoples beliefs?: For most part. Not fanatics. Unless it's World Cup fanatics. Then I strangely understand.
38. when you watch movies at home, do you like the lights on or off?: Off.
39. do you believe in magic?: Magic. Maggie and Jack. Go watch the movie "Hook".
40. do you have nightmares frequently?: Yea. I call it life.
41. do you like your nose?: No.
43. do you think you can draw well?: Not to save my life.
44. do you listen to music daily?: Oh yes.
45. do you like to watch cartoons?: I do.
46. at what age did you find out that Santa Claus wasn't real? Wait a second, what are you suggesting?
47. how many pairs of shoes do have in your closet?: one gay guy.
48. do you like to wear the same shoes everyday or do you like a variety?: Same shoes, with an occasional change to break the monotony.

YOURSELF
Age: 33, I admit it now considering I don't want to live past 34.
Age you feel: 26 and 68 simultaneously.
3 words to describe you: not quite here
3 words to describe how you look: E for 'effort'
What are your guilty pleasures?: I am guilty of nothing but being beautiful.
What's your most traumatic childhood experience?: being abandoned and neglected.
Are you a team player?: Yes, I can be, but my natural tendency is to go solo.
What's your sign and does it fit you?: Aquarius. yea.
do you like your body?: What's not to like, it's mine.
book you read last: 'Bright Red Scream' by Marilee Strong.
fave pair of jeans: yes.
fave article of clothing: Amina's shirt.
fave place to buy clothes: Do you love it? I love it! I got it at Ross. Well, Mervyn's.
dream job: Broadway star
night or day?: Night
coke or pepsi?: Pepsi, but only diet.
number of pillows: three
what are you wearing right now?: Throwing Muses Gut Pageant t-shirt. Throwing Muses is the cat. I am the mouse.
what's next to you on the right?: x-acto knife and my mouse sitting on a mouse pad. Duh!
when do you get up in the morning?: 8:00 to get to work on time.

current mood: durnk
current music: jams with Sadie

I used to say, "Hey, I tell it like it is" quite a lot. I'll speak my mind and be blunt about it. And actually I almost always meant it sarcastically. Even so, more and more people have been quick and thorough about telling me that what I said wasn't the way it was at all, and was merely how it might be. So I've amended it and now I say, "Hey, I tell it like it might be".

It's not the same, but what can you do.

Joycee: To clarify 

So yes, Joycee's gone, and we will unlikely stay in touch because the connection and friendship we had was workplace-specific. It was contextualized. Put us in a different context and it wouldn't be the same. I'm not saying that it can never work, but for our personalities, it wouldn't, the connection would necessarily be different. 

That said, I would also like to state for the record that Joycee was a wonderful person to work with and to know. Her ever-present, bubbly, apolitical cheeriness did not belie her quick wit, genuine enjoyment and appreciation of fun things, cleverness, and detail and subtlety, and, yes, her intelligence. Her presence was an asset to this workplace and will be wherever she goes and whoever gets to know her. She, for me at least, and unlike Eric, increased the quality and enjoyment of this workplace. OK, I'm kidding about the Eric part. 

Why I can't maintain an away-from-work connection with someone about whom I have such glowing things to say? Yes, it's my loss, but that's just how I am. Someday maybe I will be able to maintain a prolonged connection with someone. I'm not holding my breath. 

Joycee: my favorite inside source on all things fun and useless.

WordsCharactersReading time

On Connecting:
I visited my cousin and her boyfriend yesterday for brunch at their apartment, and there was just no connection. I mean we’re family, sure, they don’t need to wait on me or anything, but it’s not like we see each other very often. Having seen her so very rarely over the past decade, meeting up with her in San Francisco felt more on a friendship level, with being cousins going way back a nice bit of nostalgia.

Two hours later, I left feeling like I had been nothing more than a ghost floating through their apartment. It didn’t matter at all that I was there, nothing had been altered in either of our lives, including knowledge of each other, except that I knew what the inside of their apartment looked like, and I put five more miles on my bike.

Sadie came over last night to install music software on my computer. I don’t know if it was just residual weirdness from my being weird about having people over at my place, but our connection was pretty thin, too. We haven’t known each other long or well enough where we couldn’t walk away from each other unscathed. And that's just fine with me.

Joycee’s gone, along with that connection. We were just co-workers. Our connection only existed in the work environment. It would be weird now.

I don’t mind my people connections fading away. What do they mean to me anyway, and what do I mean to them? What do I mean to me? Without that, the other questions don’t even exist. Or do they?

Let it all go!
For lack of ever being able to face, accept, and express my raw feelings, here's this as an adequate surrogate for now.

How this all began:
In February, when Fiction was still together and Lisa and I were auditioning for a lead guitarist, Lisa got a response from someone named Audrey. This Audrey person mentioned that she had been in a local band called Strumpet the Band, and so I checked to see if they had an internet presence. The search brought up an interesting website written by a woman named Shahrzad. It was thoughts and ideas, sort of like a journal. I was intrigued. She was interesting.

What the hell was this? Why is she doing this? What is this word "blog"? It sounded like a random made up word for the lack of a better one. I asked some younger folk at the office and none had heard of a 'blog'. I did a web search and that's when it dawned on me that 'blog' was a term of art.

Long story short, I figured out what the Blogger link on Shahrzad's blog was and started my own, using a similar template as hers until a few weeks ago. So if Shahrzad reads this, that's the story, cheers to you and muchas gracias. I probably would have found out about this one way or another, but it was through yours that I did.

current soundtrack: for stars - "We Are All Beautiful People"

Another wasted evening without turning on my gear . . . oh, wait, I did turn it on (flip of the powerstrip switch turns on the 4-track, drum machine, and multifex pedal)! I turned it all on and promptly went and did something else.

The walls close in around me 

Old habits fade far from me 

The ceiling falls above me 

And the sky is open to me now 

But my hands are tied 

And the ropes are tight around my wrist 

Makes me sick 

Think too hard on the other side 

Can't stare too long at the softest light

Pinback - "bbtone"

Sent via e-mail from Ray of Beale St. It might be offensive to some, but it redeems itself in the end. It might also be regarded as part social commentary:

The Geography of a Woman:
- Between the ages of 18 - 21 a woman is like Africa or Australia: She is half discovered, half wild and naturally beautiful with bushland around the fertile deltas.
- Between the ages of 21 - 30 a woman is like America or Japan: Completely discovered, very well developed and open to trade especially with countries with cash or cars.
- Between the ages of 30 - 35, she is like India or Spain: Very hot, relaxed and convinced of its own beauty.
- Between the ages of 35 - 40 a woman is like France or Argentina: She may have been half destroyed during the war but can still be a warm and desirable place to visit.
- Between the ages of 40 - 50 she is like Yugoslavia or Afghanistan: She lost the war and is haunted by past mistakes. Massive reconstruction is now necessary.
- Between the ages of 50 - 60 she is like Russia or Canada: Very wide, quiet and the borders are practically unpatrolled but the frigid climate keeps people away.
- Between the ages of 60 - 70 a woman is like England or Mongolia: With a glorious and all conquering past but alas no future.
- After 70, they become Albania: Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.

The Geography of a Man:
- Between the ages of 15 - 70 a man is like Iraq.............ruled by a dick.

current soundtrack: Mary Timony - "The Golden Dove"