Is honesty an intent or a result?

It occurs to me that my weblog is supposed to be a journal, a record, the intent of which was to record my decline so that it's out there somewhere, since I sure as hell know I don't show it in person to the people around me. And, well, yes, it is doing that, my decline just happens to be very sloooooow (20 years (at least) and counting).

It's not that this weblog is dishonest. I don't think. No, wait, it is dishonest. It has to be dishonest because even though I only post what I really want posted, I know and have known for a while that I'm not honest with myself. So how can this weblog be honest? It can't.

So much is buried and denied and I keep trying to access it to deal with it, but like Data on Star Trek meeting his match, as fast I pursue the circuit pathway to get to the problem, the problem creates blocks and diversions and always stays one step ahead.

I've known for a while that I don't know what the problem is. I've also known for a while that what is going on below really is my worst enemy but I think of it as a friend because it's still me.