I started playing in bands in high school. It was a once a year dealie, and I was always a bundle of nerves before going on. It was a bad feeling; hated it. In college I started doing open mics, playing my own, now-acknowledged-terrible, material and it always sucked getting up in front of a bunch of people; hated it with a passion.
Then I joined a steel drum band, and that was totally fine, no nerves, no stage-fright. The ensemble thing was the key, being just one of many, with any mistakes easily drowned out. I've done the ensemble thing ever since and I've never had trouble getting on stage.
Tonight I did my first open mic in over ten years, playing a song that is nine years old because I have no new material. And there it was, the old feeling, the gripping fear, the anxiety while preparing for the performance, not attributing the source of the anxiety with the performance.
Even while I was there, I was hesitant and resistant to playing, although I noticed that was also a delaying tactic to allow more people to arrive. You want to hold off to play in front of as many people possible, but not hold off too long that people get tired of prodding and you become irrelevant. You want to make it seem like you're going up against your will and better judgment. Neurotic.
Now that's a juicy piece of character analysis.
February 25, 2003; 2:32 P.M. - Rode up the Marin Headlands.
