February 2, 1997, Lake Merced, San Francisco
I'm just about done with this experiment and exercise in getting back in touch with my anger and hatred towards my parents. Not quite done, though. I think in my mind, I can start reeling it back. Playing with anger certainly is playing with fire, and there definitely is a nasty risk of burning myself if I get too cavalier or cocky, calling it just an "experiment and exercise".
What I'm not done with yet is . . . the part of the anger that is not in my mind – the expression, the externalization, the manifestation of it. I'm not satisfied yet with how I've responded to anger stimuli. I haven't been succinct or forceful enough, I've been too restrained and elusive, subtle – too subtle for them, they don't get subtlety. I still get flustered.
I would like to hone in on exactly what the issue is and express clearly what the problem was with what they said. Lock and load. This is something that might be good for them, too. The part that is still the experiment and exercise is for me to make it seem that what I'm saying is coming from a place of anger, cold and venom-ous.
But not in my mind, because I realize that there is no reason to be angry. My parents are coming from a place of great suffering and ignorance. My father has this problem with communicating with other human beings. That's no exaggeration, no hyperbole, it's literal.
When he has to communicate non-professionally in English, he's a regular Forrest Gump. No condescenion intended. He has trouble saying things to me that don't sound like he's trying to insult me, but are so flawed and devoid of reality or logic that he just looks like an idiot in my eyes.
I don't view any of it as their fault, or that it is a fault of theirs. I don't know if anything they say is sourced in malice or anger, but if it's not clear, and if there isn't anything for me to learn without offending my own beliefs and values, then what does what they say or do matter to me?
Their ignorance and inability to see the world from any other point of view but their own is so incredible that no one at the monastery would believe me, and they would think my descriptions were coming from a place of childhood anger, resentment, and bitterness.
And maybe you would, too, but OH MY GAWD. You really have no idea.
So I sit and I calm my mind, and I consider their beings and their circumstances in the best light, and there is no reason to be angry. There's also nothing for them to learn, no way for them to learn, certainly not from me, so this anger experiment is just for me.
Once it ends, they won't even notice that something happened for those 2-3 weeks. Just suddenly, there will be cordial and polite conversations again with no coldness or venom. Their purpose on this planet is not to learn or understand things, especially things in the abstract.
I think I've done my part through the years, and I can't fault myself for giving up, because they don't care one way or another whether I give up or not. They don't understand this "giving up". Giving up on what? So I can just accept them and the important thing for me is to protect my mind from the anger stimuli, not cultivate anger in my mind, and establish a foundation of peace in my mind and not let them disturb it. And not even do that from a place of anger. Tricky stuff.
