Northern Exposure Quote of the Day:
Joel: It's a clear cut case of damages as far as I'm concerned.
Maggie: You want damages? OK, Fleischman, let's get this over with once and for all. Come on, damage this, Fleischman, come on!
Joel: O'Connell, you're making a fool of yourself.
Maggie: C'mon, Fleischman, give it your best shot!
Bystander: Hit her, doc.
Joel: Do you mind?

I'm living a pretty luxurious lifestyle here at my parents' house. It's even better than the monastery. I can continue my studies and practice at my leisure, the only downside-which-is-not-really-a-downside is that I have to maintain my own discipline. The annoyances of living in a community are replaced by the annoyances of living with the 'rents, but my gratitude towards them for shelter and occasional food far outweigh those.

The biggest downside is that this can't go on for much longer.

I have to move on, figure out my next bold move. I haven't gotten any further on researching Nagasaki, nor have I contacted Madoka since leaving the monastery. I have some great resources for Taiwan that I haven't perused yet. And to get to the point of moving on, I need or want to re-visit my perennial suicide ideal – the euphemistic "leaving".

I know that after the last time I said I would buckle down and just accept living. That was really naive, and at no point did I really think that would happen. I also said that entering a monastery was my only living option. I still feel that way, which is why leaving is again at the forefront of my thoughts. But after years of holding this ideal and never being successful in executing it, I'm not dogmatic about it. And same deal as last time: I'll plan it, talk about it, say that I'm going to do it, but until I succeed, no one should take me seriously.

Again, if I'm serious about doing it, then I should be able to walk out the door and execute the plan right now, and I'm not. I'm blogging. Furthermore, I tell myself I'm waiting until my brother and his wife get back from their honeymoon since I'm picking them up from the airport. What? If I leave before they come back, they'll be stranded at the airport? It wouldn't be nice news to come home to, but when will it ever be nice news? Stupid.

I'm looking at the original planned date from two years ago. Right before they left for their honeymoon, they were trying to convince me to take sailing lessons with my sister-in-law, the first one being the day before that date, two more on the following weekend. My impulse was that agreeing would interfere with my plans, but that's also stupid. If I go for a sailing lesson on one day and leave the next, that's fine with me.

I'm obviously not going to do it.

My brother's marriage was in crisis mode even before they got married. These sailing lessons are an attempt to form a bond between them, something they can do together. First she lets him pull her into his hobby, then hopefully something reciprocal occurs in the future.

The idea for me to take lessons with her is to keep her company (no, I'm not interested in learning how to sail). I asked why didn't he go with her to the lessons, and the response was that would mean paying x amount of money for him to just sit on a boat, hearing what he already knows.

It doesn't enter his thinking that the money would be a small amount to pay to build up a much-needed bond between them. The idea is for them to do these things together. I'll try to explain this to him in simple, non-offensive language after they get back, but his habit-patterns of selfishness will make it a hard argument.